Hang on, sweetiedarlings, this is a long, and particularly pointy review.

Prologue

Back at the Casita des Hámsteres, Tahlia is discoursing on the nature of the universe: i.e.: what it feels like to be stabbed in the back by a competitor on a long-running reality television show, where research has determined that there will ALWAYS BE A BACK STABBING BITCH among the cast. Duh. She is angry and hurt.

Over in the other confessional, Celia, AKA The Bitch Who Performed Said Back-Stabbing, is admitting that she stirred up drama, but does not regret what she did. Of course she doesn’t. The key word in that confession is DRAMA of which there need be a gracious plenty in the Reality TV Universe. We now have our protagonist and our antagonist. Stage is set for act one.

Act One

Sandra lies outright and tells Tahlia that she knew nothing of the planned shoot out at the OK Judging. We see footage of her sitting there in her Mammy do-rag along with the rest of the mean girls. Tahlia says that Celia made herself look “hella low”. Hell-low-oh? Wind In Her Face and Aminat, mean while, ask if Tahlia is going to say anything to those hos downstairs and when Tahlia says no, Wind In Her Face asks if Tahlia would mind if she went downstairs to attend to some bi-ness of her own. And again, Tahlia says you do what you gotta do. Aminat and Wind In Her Face then bound downstairs to take on the triad of Celia, Natalie and AllisonKeaneLemur.

Wind In Her Face (from the stairs): Can I ax? Don’t you feel a fool?

Allison: Huh? Wha? Get outta my face. I’m not getting this kind of air time unless I can’t help it.

Tahlia (From the stairs behind WIHF and Animat): Oh, I’m not going there. I have seen the mountain top. I have been praised in panel and gotten the first photo. I am not afraid of you. (ad lib ad nauseum)

Allison (safely in confessional): That crap from Tahlia was too Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul to be believed. (rolls eyes) I’m so sure. (exposes bunny teeth)

Back in the kitchen, Aminat and Natalie are on opposite sides of a granite counter.

Aminat: You are stupid. Let me spell that out for you S-T-U-P-I-D.

Natalie: Yeah, bring the A game, beyotch.

Aminat: StupidStupidStupid

Natalie: That all you got?

Aminat: Big stupid stupid head. Stoooo-pid.

Natalie: I’m loving this, I’m getting to do my Sly Stallone/Vin Deisel impersonation on television, viewed by millions. Totally worth looking like a moron.

Aminat: Stupid.

And cut.

Act Two

TYRAMAIL! Cut it out. I don’t want to see any more blank faces. Aminat decides that this is going to be acting class. It is not. It is Face Posing class. Also known as having an expression.

Mr. Jay is in an alley, surrounded by his faceless and less shiny sister mannequins. Mr. Jay explains the personality problem to this year’s crew (again). Nobody can tell you mindless twits apart. Today we are going to look like something other than a clothes hanger, OK? Today we are going to try to project a thought or emotion. To help teach this lesson they have Howard Stern’s wife: Beth Stern, A Model. Examples of her modeling flash on the screen, each one as plastic and as the same as the one before. Could be her, could be Ivanka Trump. Could be Ivana Trump.

The Mean Girls and the Hurt Innocents get lessons in front of a mirror as Mr. J and Mrs. Stern critique them. Celia gives a good mystery. Tahlia is a good sensual (and we get another lecture on being confident from The Girl With The Medical Issues.) Fo can be alluring. Sandra is not so much mysterious as vaguely threatening. Natalie is totally a Victoria’s Secret model, and you know that is totally what she aspires to.

To become a true icon, says Mr. Jay, you have to give all types of expressions and you have to nail them. The challenge will be to figure out what face the Icon Miss Tyra was giving when she took the shot in each of these five live-size enlargements. You will have noticed that there IS no face. We have cut those out. You will stick your head through the hole like a drunk at a Coney Island photo booth, and try to replicate what you think Tyra was doing. There are five shots, you will each pick two.

Miz Shoes thinks this might be a gentle reminder to the girls that their hostess is the Alpha Bitch in this dog pack. Yeah. Let’s see how you look compared to me. Mano a mano, bitches. And then tell me who’s got the right to say who’s all that and who isn’t.

Celia is up first and tanks badly. Fo is awful. Wind In Her Face is awful. Sandra is not quite as awful. Mr. Jay says that Sandra is disappearing. What personality she had has gone. Aminat. Allison (Mrs. Stern says “That’s just sad.” Mr. Jay says, “I’m not getting anything.”) Natalie gets it both times. LondonCometoJesus is also good. Tahlia, meh and meh. Celia focused too much on the body (which wasn’t visable anyway). Sandra just isn’t real. Allison looked like a scared

little kid. Natalie was committed and gave real expressions. She nailed it. (the word “bitch” appears in a thought balloon over each of the other girls’ heads.) She wins an extra 50% more frames than the rest of the girls at the next shoot.

TYRAMAIL! You’re all looking a little pale. You need color. Um, anyone? Anyone? Celia and Tahlia have a heart to heart up on a mid-air hallway.

Tahlia: I was humiliated.

Celia: I was a cold-hearted bitch who just wanted Tyra to hear that you wanted, in your weak moments, to leave. I’m sorry.

Celia: (to camera) I’m sure that I’m going home. But I’m going out with my head up, giving it my all, wanting it more than anyone else. And I better see that everyone else wants it just as much as me.

And cut.

Act Three

Keith Major is the photographer who is going to capture the spirit and essence of the colored powders that the girls will be doused with and have to tell the story of.

AllisonKeaneLemur is first, and she’s been doused in hot pink. She is thrilled to be girly! Girly!! Whee!!! And, we note, a mouth breather. She is very afraid to give a real emotion.

Aminat is earthy greens. And gorgeous. Tahlia is purple. She’s Confident. And at the end, when she starts making eyes at Keith Major, she gives some good face. Wind In Her Face is yellow and needs to never ever smile in front of a camera if she doesn’t want to scare the children. She has a lot of teeth and gum. Fo is fabulous as red. I think that Fo is over the Trauma of the Haircut. LondonComeToJesus is blue and blah. Natalie gets and needs her extra frames. As orange, she’s flat. Sandra is white and says that it’s all in her eyes. She is peaceful and angelic. Celia knows that if she doesn’t wow the tan off Mr. Jay, she is going home for sure, so she hits one out of the park. She is grey and she is giving more looks and poses and using her hands and you know, girl friend has it going on. Just sometimes you can take the girl out of Scratch Ankle, Kentucky, but you can’t take the Kentucky out of the girl. Celia thinks she won’t be going back to Kentucky tomorrow, but you never know.

TYRA MAIL! One of you bitches is out of here tomorrow. Only eight will continue the cat fight. Celia is picking out her wardrobe for tomorrow’s judging. She says like it feels she’s picking out clothes to be buried in. In which case, Miz Shoes wishes she were thin enough to be buried in the full and pleated skirt Celia chooses.

The guest judge tonight is Keith Major, who, coincidentally just shot Miss Tyra’s Ebony cover.  Aminat’s green is the first photo, and the judges love it. Natalie’s orange has no depth. Let’s call her NatalieWooden. (I can’t believe it took me 6 weeks to get there.) No angles. Tyra advises that NatalieWooden figure out where her bones are. Tahlia is told to lose the standy-uppy hair back in a clip thing over her forehead, and the judges regain their concentration to say that she took a great shot. Nigel picks at the scab a little and asks her how she felt after getting stabbed in the back last week. He tells her to just keep shining in panel.

Celia is praised for looking so sharp at panel, and for being so hot looking in her photo. Keith says how much he enjoyed working with her. Wind In Her Face was able to keep her mouth shut long enough to take a great shot. Paulina (or Nigel, either one is capable) says that the photo doesn’t even look like Wind In Her Face, but in a good way. LondonComeToJesus has taken the same shot as last week this week. Allison has no range at all, says Keith, she just stands there with a slack mouth. Sandra’s photo is weak, and Tyra says that’s because she promised Nigel to show him a full-face shot of Sandra for the first time. It explains why she always shoots in profile. Fo is Majah! Hott!!

Our Cover Girl in Action is Big Whitney, who is looking hotter than ever and bigger than ever. Go Big Whitney. Woot!

The judges judge thusly: Aminat is amazing. There is much love. Paulina does not like NatalieWooden or how she photographs. Tahlia has given an amazing glamour shot. And she has. You see her green eyes glowing out of the lavender powder and it is fierce. Celia has the best sense of personal style that they’ve ever seen in 12 seasons of ANTM, but Nigel says that she was so stank he doesn’t even want to look at her or be in the same room as her. Wind In Her Hair is beeeeeyooootiful. LondonComeToJesus looks like she puked blue and died, says Paulina, who might know. AllisonKeaneLemur has saucer eyes and bunny teeth and Nigel can’t stand looking at her, either. I hear you Nigel. Call me. We’ll talk about it. Keith says that he loved shooting Fo. Tyra holds up Fo’s picture and says: See? This is what I keep trying to teach these hamsters: Smiling With The Eyes. This is what it looks like. Get it?

The photos go to: FO! (Smiling With The Eyes! Tyra likee.) Wind In Her Face. Tahlia, Aminat, AllisonKeaneLemur, NatalieWooden, LondonCometoJesus. That leaves Sandra and Celia, the two short-haired blondes. Sandra is wearing her red Mickey Mouse shoes and her bloomer shorts. That alone is reason to send her home. Tyra explains that Sandra only has one look, unless she can learn real fast how to face the camera. Celia take the strongest pictures every week. She has the strongest sense of style. But what she did last week was ugly enough to get her tossed. Tyra explains how she had a fellow girl mess with her money for years. And how it is a personal hot button for Tyra when a girl throws another girl under a bus for the money. (Cough Naomi) Tyra will Not Tolerate it among her own girls. Does Celia understand? Celia does and begins her redemption arc, and Sandra goes home.

Epilogue

Her final interview is this: I’m the best and they were crazy to send me home. Ah, the delusion loser exit. All is right in the Reality Television Universe.

Not a fence, but here’s my sweet little female painted bunting, sitting on the hook of the bird feeder. I apologize for the quality of the shot, but I’m shooting through screen. And I could use a longer telephoto. But who’s counting? She’s a shy little thing, and this is the first time she’s come to the main feeder. I was out on the deck with my morning coffee and the Nikon, just in case.

In keeping with my recent theme of post titles with snippets from the works of artists I don’t much care for… and before the hate comments come pouring in, yeah, yeah, yeah. e.e. cummings was a fucking genius. But if I had a nickle for every time some well-meaning English teacher made me suffer through that little lame balloon man, I’d be rich. Well, I’d be rich enough to buy a grande Starbucks. If we’re going to suffer through the no caps thing, I’d rather read anything from Don Marquis. And if we’re just going to be reading from the American poets of the 50s, then I’d rather be reading about Frost’s stupid fence or his diverging roads. Or Laurence Ferlinghetti’s trips. And if we’re widening this to all areas and times, then even Wordsworth’s lonely little cloud beats that stupid twee balloon man. And I positively adore the sleekit, cowrin’, tim’rous beastie.

Anyway. It is spring, and that means new shoes are showing up on the train platform. There has been such a dearth of fine footwear these past years, what with the ubiquitous yet slovenly flip-flop, and the equally ubiquitous peep-toe pump. There have been the abominations that are Crocs and Uggs. There is that goat-hoof looking platform made popular by the Olsen gnomes, and the endless parade of gladiator sandals. People! That movie was ten years ago, already. Let it go.

But on Friday, the first sign of spring appeared. Sweeter than a robin, brighter than a daffodil. Pink cow spot strappy sandals on a pink cow spot skin wedge. Sweet.

We open as the hamsters return to their Upper East Side cage, and Sandra sees herself (and Celia cropped out) on the big digital display. Her reaction? “Wow! I look so hot!” She then opines that winning the last challenge shows that she is so much better than the rest of the girls, and she’s sure that they all know that now.

Except for Tahlia, who’s getting positive feedback, and is regaining her confidence.

Suddenly, the door bell rings! Who can it be now? It’s Tocarra, the formerly plus sized model from season back in the day. She brought Mira Kelis sleepwear for everyone, and they are going to have a slumber par-tay! She’s also there to make the pitch for having a plus-size personality. Aminat is down with that. She says that she’s loud and that’s OK. Kortnie the Pit Lizard says that she’s an old male comedian stuck in a model’s body. Some of the other girls say that Kortnie is always on, and it gets real old, real fast. (Wait. Real old, real fast, isn’t that Celia?) Either way, there has been no evidence in the aired footage that Kortnie is trying to be funny, or just trying.

Tocarra gives a quick run down of what she’s been up to since she got tossed off ANTM. She’s been the first Black and plus-sized model ever on the cover of Italian Vogue. She’s a correspondent for BET. She’s been working. She omits her two stints on Celebrity Weight Loss Challenge. Sandra and Aminat have a little cat fight over nothing. The next morning, Tocarra says that this crop of girls is so bland and boring that even after spending a night with them she can’t tell them apart. How do you think we feel, Tocarra? At least you got paid for your suffering.

Celia says that Tocarra was a wake-up call, or that Tocarra couldn’t wait for her wake-up call, and that she, Celia, needs to really show what she’s made of. In the event, and I don’t think this is giving anything away, what she’s made of is bitch.

TYRA MAIL! If you can’t move to the music, it might pose a problem. Must mean the return of Benny Ninja and posing classes. The girls head off to Marquee, where they do, in fact, meet Benny and Sky Nellor, who used to be a model, and is now a DJ. (Isn’t everyone?) Sky Masterson will be playing music to motivate the posing. Benny tells the girls to pay attention to what they are hearing, and to let the music move them accordingly.

In a shocking! development, the girls are nearly universally unable to rock out. Or move in any way related to the various genres of music presented. LondonComeToJesus is marginally better at heavy metal than Sandra, who is deemed clueless. Neither AllisonKeaneLemur nor Natalie can shake it to rock and roll. Wind In Her Face is somewhat less pathetic than Fo at interpreting country music into poses. Kortnie and Celia pose off to hip hop, and Celia beats Kortnie. In the words of Benny Ninja, beats her BAD. Aminat and Tahlia try to work it to jazz, and Aminat gets it, and Tahlia gets another beat down for not having any confidence.

AllisonKeaneLemur admits that she’s shy and posing for Benny Ninja scared her. I sense a new drinking game coming on. Whenever AllisonKeaneLemur says she’s scared of something, take a shot. Might be fun, might be alcohol poisoning.

The next day, the girls have to take their new-found (or, you know, never-found) posing to music skills and participate in a pose-off at Mansion, which is populated by the meanest queens in New York City. Benny tells them to be out loud and free with the cat-calls, hoots of derision and any possible praise. The hamsters will be modeling sparkly, shiny clothes from the house of 2 Blondes. Dave and Phillipe Blonde will be in the audience, and the winner gets to keep what they modeled. The girls are all given long blond Barbie wigs, and stripper heels and sent out like lambs to the slaughter. AllisonKeaneLemur is scared, Celia is stoked and Talhia is overwhelmed and unsure of herself. Oh, good lord. No wonder Tocarra couldn’t leave fast enough.

Annnnnd, AllisonKeaneLemur gets booed. Wind In Her Face gets love. Kortnie and Sandra hear the boo birds, but Celia is a drag queen’s dream and gets major love. Aminat, LondonComeToJesus and Tahlia all get booed. Natalie and Fo get loved. Natalie and Celia have a pose off and the fag hag wins it all. (That’s Celia, for those of you who may be unsure.)

Back in the hamster cage, Tahlia has lost all the confidence she got at panel and whines to AllisonKeaneLemur about wanting to go home. Celia says that Tahlia is too timid for this business.

TYRA MAIL! says that models aren’t the only ones who migrate to NYC to make their dreams come true. This leads us to a photo shoot on Ellis Island, where Brian Edwards will be shooting the girls, a grab-bag of child models and Benny Ninja as very on-trend immigrants. Well, immigrants, whose native dress has been updated to BoHo chic. These are yet more group shots, and this time the girls have to try and stand out among children and a posing queen. They have some hard work ahead of them, is all MizShoes is saying. The additional twist to this shot is that they will be using an antique box camera that uses 8X10 sheet film, and requires that they actually hold a pose.

Sandra leads off, albeit stiffly, and Mr. Jay tells us that Sandra is his biggest disappointment, because she started strong and gets weaker every challenge. Fo immediately gets into character, and becomes a fierce Spanish dancer. Since I never saw the movie, I have no idea why she and Mr. Jay say that she was straight out of “Titanic”. LondonComeToJesus also does some far-away look and feels the immigrant experience. Natalie claims that she’s channeling her Croatian immigrant ancestors. What ever. Wind In Her Face is good, but Kortnie struggled and took too long to find a boring pose. Tahlia continues to blow hot and cold, as she owns the shoot as a Gypsy and Mr. Jay fawns all over her, calling her impressive and telling her that she’s growing in leaps and bounds.

Celia acknowledges that her posing is not as strong as her runway, and flails about looking stumpy. Aminat is all body and no face and no neck. AllisonKeaneLemur looks like a Walter Keane painting of Heather Graham pretending to be Chico Marx in a striped shirt and a cone-shaped felt hat. And with that, thankfully, it is all over but the judging.

In confessisonals, Sandra says that she knows she could have been better, but that she isn’t going home, that’s Tahlia’s fate. Tahlia is on the up side of her mood swing, and knows that she’s doing fine. Celia and Natalie, mean time, are organizing a lynching. If Tahlia doesn’t get booted at panel, Celia tells the other girls, then they need to step up and tell Tyra that Tahlia has said she wants out, and demand that she get that wish.

At judging, Sandra is wearing black tights, a blue shirt, bloomer shorts with suspenders, and bright red Mickey Mouse shoes. The gang on the couch is unanimous in its derision and demand that the shoes alone are enough to have Sandra thrown off the show.

Benny Ninja is the guest judge and Miss Jay’s bow tie is almost as wide as his face. Now, maybe it was because Benny Ninja is in the house, but for what ever reason, our host today is Jive-Talkin’ Tyra. Fo’ shizzle.

Wind in Her Face has the story in her eyes, and is captivating and romantic. LondonComeToJesus looks like she’s only a foot and a half tall, and it’s not a great shot on top of that. Sandra is looking off into an imaginary sunset, and Nigel points out that she seems to only work in profile. Benny Ninja says she looks like a deer in the headlights…in Mickey Mouse shoes. AllisonKeaneLemur gets Nigel praise: he says this is the first shot where she actually looks like a model…and also one of the children, so… maybe not so good, after all.

Aminat is told that she is a natural poser (not poseur) and that she completely sold/told the story. Paulina tells Fo that this is her least favorite shot to date. Natalie has paid the judges to say that she resembles Keira Knightly in her shot, because there is no other explanation for why they would think that. Kortnie is SOUR! says Benny Ninja, which seems to be gay-speak for not so hot. She has no tension in her poses and she’s underperforming. I guess she needs a tune up in the pit.

Tahlia is astonishing. Nigel says WOW!!! and better than exquisite, and of all the girls, is the only one who looks somehow related to the children. On the other hand, she is wearing her hair in a rather small-town and tragic fashion at panel, and Nigel tells her that the “There’s Something About Mary” hair has got to go. Celia is schlumpping into her body, and looks like a piece of luggage dumped into the photo.

The judges deliberate and Benny Ninja says that Kortnie is not model quality. Paulina loves Fo, but sees nothing in today’s shot. Celia is giving the same pose she gave Nigel in his photoshoot, and is totally lost among the children, Benny and the luggage. Natalie is dull and not at all inspirational. Wind In Her Face is a model. She gives sweet. She gives sour. She’s sweet and sour. The Number Three Surrogate Daughter remembers that there is, in fact, some hot and sour soup in the kitchen.

The photos go to: Tahlia, much to the pissy faced reaction of Celia. Wind In Her Face. AllisonKeaneLemur. Natalie. LondonComeToJesus. Aminat. Celia. Fo. The bottom two are Kortnie and Sandra. Kortnie is beautiful in person (albeit a wee bit too tan) but dies on camera. Sandra is (and I quote Tyra) “just restin’ on what the Lord and yo’ momma and daddy gave you.” (See? Jive Talkin’ Tyra.) So, who stays and who goes? Why, that’s an easy one. Kortnie the Pit Lizard goes home, and Sandra the Drama Llama stays. DUH. And then, an ANTM first! Celia trots herself right up to stand next to Kortnie and interrupts Tyra. Celia lays out the facts that she thinks Miss Tyra needs to know: That it isn’t fair to keep Tahlia when Tahlia isn’t sure that this is the best career move she’s ever made. It isn’t fair to keep Tahlia when she doesn’t want it as bad as others. It isn’t fair that Tahlia got the first picture today. It isn’t fair. And Celia wants Tyra to know that.

Tyra fixes Celia with a Look of Death and Contempt and announces that what isn’t fair is Celia opening her yap and assuming to speak for Tahlia. Tahlia didn’t ask Tyra for permission to leave, and she took one hell of a picture this week, so Celia can go back to her place (“under a rock” is implied) and just shut the fuck up until Miss Tyra asks for her advice or opinion. Kortnie is sent home to practice being fierce (which seems to mean squinting) and we are left waiting until next week to see what vengance Tyra throws down on the unwitting Celia.

Great. Two posts, two disclaimers. Yes, Reecie, I really, really, really despise Genesis. Phil Collins is the Cabbage Patch Rocker, and Peter Gabriel is, in my opinion, the poster boy of poseurs everywhere. While I admit to a secret fondness for “Solsbury Hill”, there is nothing else in his oeuvre that I can stand. (And he claims to have been inspired by Bruce Springsteen when he wrote that. Which may explain why I can listen to it, but it bears no resemblance to any Springsteen I’ve ever heard.)

And here I am, titling another post with another song, which, if it were to disappear from the collective consciousness tonight, I would not mourn. But, as I said when I cited “Lamb”, you try to find a rock song that references birds or bird-watching. Oh. “Yellow Bird”. But that’s 1960’s Calypso. Still. Might have been more apropo. But I digress.

Today brought two new birds to the feeders and bath: a female Painted Bunting (olive green above and lemon yellow below) and a Grey Catbird, which had quite a time in the birdbath. This past weekend I saw not one, but two ruby throated hummingbirds. This habitat thing is coming along nicely.

I need to issue a disclaimer. I LOATHE that song. I LOATHE Genesis. But YOU try to find rock lyrics about sheep.

Anyway, I present you with extreme sheep herding: