Open on bile green LA. Recap of Ra’Mon, Epperson and Qristyl bickering, and Mitchell going aufsie daisey. That was fun. DanielFranco Lite says something about having to separate the wheat from the chaff and the hacks are going home. Epperson graciously allows as how last challenge had been hard for both himself and Qristyl. Speaking of whom, we see her whining to Gordana that she is now seen as the B-I-T-C-H. Gordana assured her that this is not so, that she merely failed to stand up for herself…amazingly. Implying that Q may have been quite the bitch in the girls’ dorm.

Heidi is on the runway telling the designers that there are 13 women in the workroom, and to win the challenge, each designer must make one happy. The 13 women turn out to be the Models of the Runway. Now that they have their own show, they are even more anonymous clothes hangers to me than before. The scenario for the challenge is that the MOR are going to an industry event, and must have a dress that shows her style and ability to wear clothes. Upon this dress, a career may lie. I wonder if Diane von Furstenberg paid her to say that?

Logan is nervous. Miz Shoes is happy that he’s getting screen time. This is the first one-day challenge, and they will have 30 minutes to sketch with the models, then $100 to spend at mood.

Jonny is going to do something in deep purple that is not jersey. It will be simple and understated. He says that it is what he would design for himself, were he a “black girl.” Somebody else tells their designer that they want something “Fresh, simple, interesting, body conscious, straight and short.” Uh-huh. I’ve had clients like that. Those are the ones who need a photo of a short, fat, tall, lanky blonde/brunette/grey haired old young man/woman. You kill them and bury the body in your ex’s back yard.

Qristyl and her model want to stand out. Irina’s model is Kelly and she wants something with an open back. Maybe. Possibly. Or not. Irina recognizes that Kelly is indecisive and she’ll have carte blanche, if she can sell it. Louise is fretting that she isn’t happy with her model’s color scheme, but Althea is delighted that she and her model have the same aesthetic, which is why Althea won’t let anybody steal her.

Shirin’s model, on the other hand, wants a royal blue satin jumpsuit with a deep vee back and gold rope trim. She wants to stand out. Yeah. On the corner, you gotta be seen if you wanna make a dollah. Logan is panicking because his model wants something commercial and on-trend: 1950s. He’s showing a little flop sweat.

Epperson’s model wanted something in orange, but all the orange fabric he found at Mood sucked, so he bought browns instead. Louise and Jonny are working side by side in the sewing room and talking about people who have gone home. They are depressed about it. Christopher, no longer working the twee hats (thank you), looks around the work room and notices that there are missing bodies. The truth of being on a reality show is sinking in, it seems. We see DanielFranco Lite channeling That Daniel Franco as he laments that he will be sewing until Tim rips the needle from his bleeding fingers and pushes him onto the runway.

Tim tours the room: Althea is making a skirt and a man’s jacket. Tim says it has a WOW factor. It does? OK, if Tim Gunn says it, it must be true. Christopher’s model is long waisted, and she wants to show it off in something Christopher refers to as “emerald green”, but which is not… it is a sort of electric Kelly green. It’s…bright. Epperson is working under the following art direction: flowy, strong punk, cocktail, tiger. And you know? He’s doing it. It’s brown and body conscious and jersey and matte and shiny all at once. Tim says it is innovative and beautiful, which it is and which is why I’ll take Tim’s word about Althea’s mess.

Speaking of messes, Qristyl is using black and dark brown jersey to sculpt a whirlwind of fabric around her mannequin, or as Tim says, something that looks like the model rolled around in her sheets and wrapped it around herself to go out.

It gets worse as Logan shows Tim something that looks, in Logan’s own words, like a Smurf prom dress. Tim fans himself and tells Logan, Oh, lord, girl, don’t say that word on the runway. Don’t give the judges ideas. It is, inarguably, very blue, with lots of black lace. Carol Hannah is working with a deeply saturated mulberry purple and black. She is emphasizing, per her model’s wishes, the waist, with a close-to-the-body fit. Tim isn’t so sure about the one-shouldered neck line, asking if she is perhaps, robbing her model of her youth? (Translation: a little mother-of-the-bride, non?)

A Tender Moment

Epperson calls his family and cries. Uh-oh, is Epperson getting the loser edit? He sniffs a little that he’d never chose to do this (presumably a reality show) again. Dude. Miz Shoes hears you. Miz Shoes would rather stab herself under the fingernails with the charred ends of bamboo skewers than ever appear on television. Ra’Mon is doing something with cobalt blue leathah? The models come for their fittings and approvals, and Epperson shows his girl all the cheap, nasty oranges he discarded in favor of the browns, and she is completely in love with the dress, so all is well in Epperson’s corner. Jonny’s model is asking for more cleavage, but not any lower in the neckline. He snipes at her that he doesn’t tell her how to model, but then realizes that in fact, he does, and we get to see Jonny try to show his girl how to walk.

Althea and her model agree that their collaboration is more amazing than either of them (or me) envisioned. Logan has dubbed his look “goth Cinderella” and hopes that somebody on the judging panel likes it. DanielFranco Lite is only 85% done and a complete wreck. Qristyl has taken Uncle Tim’s advice and ditched the brown and made a little black dress. Is it too simple, she wonders aloud. Shirin’s model hates her dress. And Logan is looking around at everyone else’s work and worrying that his is different, and not in a good way. The electric green dress which, when last we saw it, was a tight strapless sheath dress with a 1980’s drop waist and a deeply ruffled skirt, now has a matching crumb catcher on the top. It looks like a giant version of the scallions my mother used to make in the 50s for the Thanksgiving relish tray. You know, frayed at both ends, then stuck in ice water to make festive sprays? Yeah. That’s exactly what it looks like.

Morning of the Runway

Logan is shirtless (thank you) and wearing skin tight silver jeans. Really editors, thank you for that. It’s a good thing Miz Shoes does not have tivo, or else she might have embarrassed herself in front of the RLA. Logan interviews that his model, Kojii, has a harder edge than the others, and he thinks that although this dress is not his particular cup of organic green de-caf, it did please his client.

Too late for regrets, Qristyl is questioning her decision to use just black. Gordana has made something beige with a woven element adding interest to the bust. Carol Hannah is confident, which means she isn’t going to win. Irina sniffs that nobody’s work looks like crap, really, but Althea’s would have looked better if she’d just stapled it together. Saucer of milk, Irina? Nicolas says that Epperson’s looks like trash, and Christopher says that if the judges don’t understand Epperson’s style, he’s history. Tim gives a ten minute warning.

DanielFranco Lite has done something fitted, white satin(?) with grey trim. There is are cut-away arm holes, showing off the model’s shoulders and arms, There is some sort of woven element at the high neckline. It is extremely tailored, and is evocative of That Daniel Franco. Jonny has made frayed edges on all his seam lines. Althea still needs more time.

On the Runway

Heidi is wearing something grey, and reminds the viewers of the challenge: to make something for a fashion industry party. Tonight we have a full panel of guest judges: Marc Bouwer, Zoe Glassner (editor for Marie Claire), and Jennifer Rade who is identified as a celebrity stylist/designer. OK, sure. If you say so.

Qristyl’s dress is short, black, jersey with an asymmetrical hemline. Nicolas’s dress is tailored to within an inch of its life. The cut-away neck line makes it almost a bib top, but there is no side boob exposure. Irina has made something that looks like I could wear it to work: a simple printed day dress with a belted jacket with some sort of huge collar. Gordana’s beige jersey. Something very blue. Logan’s black top and blue skirt. Christopher has added black bands to the top and bottom of the fitted center band of the giant scallion. Now it looks like a rather lurid green Christmas cracker. Epperson’s dress is all stripey and stretchy and fitted and raggedy, but not whickety-whack. Jonny’s dress is a whole lot of eggplant purple.

Althea’s model comes strutting down the runway, boobs akimbo, with the jacket open and her grey jersey tank top leaving every movement hypnotically visible. Is is a bubble miniskirt, micro-mini bloomers, a black diaper? Louise’s dress is black. Ra’Mon’s cobalt blue, skin tight dress also has a self-fabric corsage on one shoulder that is going to eat the model’s head. Carol Hannah has made a very sexy purple top with a textured black pencil skirt. When the model turns around, the skirt has a set of pleats in a center gore, almost bustle-like, that moves beautifully.

Louise, Irinia, Christopher, Nicolas, Gordanna, Shirin and Ra’Mon are safe. The others are the top and bottom of the pack. We begin with CH. Marc Bouwer loves her draping combined with the sharp tailoring of the skirt. It’s hard and soft. Logan is called out for making a cheap, tacky prom dress. And then Jennifer says that his dress looks like crap but he’s cute and she likes his pants and sneakers, so she’s giving him a pass, and I fall in love a little with Jennifer. A woman after Miz Shoes own heart. Next is Epperson, and Marc Bouwer is blown away by Epperson’s masterful technique with stretch fabric.  Heidi, on the other hand, says that either the dress or the model needed a lot more support in the bust. The other women agree, but Jennifer gives Epperson a golf clap of approval. She then gets on a roll and tells Jonny that the purse is the most interesting thing about his look, and that even though Qristyl’s model loves her dress, that’s why she isn’t a designer… thank God. Really. Jen? Call me. I’ll pay for the first round.

And then, maybe NinaGarcia left the crack in the judges quarters because they all start heaping the love on Althea’s miniskirt and jacket. (Michael Kors would have deemed it too Studio 54 to be tolerated, but he wasn’t there and mores the pity.) Jennifer loses points with me by saying she wants to leave with it on her arm, so she can dress one of her clients in it. Invisible Marie Claire editor says that it is a suit! And yet, she would wear it. I have no idea what that means. Are suits bad? Too matchy, matchy?

The designers leave the judges to the real work of judging. M. Bouwer says that Qristyl was able to make simple look cheap. Heidi says that the model didn’t look like a guest at the imaginary party, but the girl passing drinks. Ouch. And true. Logan is credited for being too cute to cut and is excused for not making something cool, but something his tasteless model wanted. Jonny is dismissed as having made something too accessible: anybody could wear that, so who cares. Can we keep these judges?

Carol Hannah made something that moved beautifully. Epperson’s dress was sexy and fitted and Heidi says that it needed a bra. But Epperson knows how to make clothes, says M. Bouwer.  And so,

Epperson is in, and Althea is the winner and gets immunity in the next challenge. Her three pieces are so fabulous that they mesmerized Heidi out of noticing the bouncing boobies. Carol Hannah and Jonny are in. Logan and Qristyl are the bottom two. Qristyl made a cheap-looking, boring dress and took no chances. Logan made a dress that stood out for all the wrong reasons: styling and fabric all missed the mark. But he had on skin tight silver jeans and is very, very cute and so he gets to stay (thank you) and the judges, still remembering what a pill Qristyl was last week, send her and her non-existent taste level home.

In today’s Nature Notes, Miz Shoes attempts to illustrate the definitive answer to the age old question: Is it the heat, or the humidity?

The evening before I took the following photo, I saw an avocado on the ground when I came home from work. The squirrels had been eating away at it, and there was a large, clean hole (albeit ringed with tooth marks. The next morning dawned hot and humid, as all summer mornings do in the tropics. When I left for work, the avocado was sporting a festive fur collar, very much like Santa’s fur-trimmed suit. This was the mold growth in 12 hours.

When I reached my office, the heat was up, and the sun was shining in the breezeway of the building, turning the condensation on the windows of the empty restaurant into diamonds. As I turned around to get the shot, I saw where a long-since removed holiday decoration had been. The ghost of Christmas past, in the pattern of moisture on a too-cold window, on a too-hot morning.

As ever, this is part of the Nature Notes meme.

The Tide is High (and so are the judges)

Acid yellow LA morning: Ra’Mon is whining and moaning that one decision could be the mistake that sends him home, and he doesn’t want to go home. The other designers (most notably DanielFranco Lite) are ragging on Mitchell about being the perennial bottom. He grins, boyishly and (he thinks) charmingly and says that he wouldn’t wish the bottom two on anybody else. He’s really sort of simple-minded, isn’t he?

Heidi greets the designers on the runway and tells them that they will be going on a field trip, and to pack the sunscreen. Wild guesses all around as to their destination: the beach, the other beach, or that other, other beach? The thought of seeing an actual ocean gets Christian (Hey, I’m from Minnesota, eh?) all tingly. They arrive at a beach, only to find Tim Gunn in a summer-weight suit and sandals, having forgone the tie at gunpoint. Hah! I made a gun/Gunn joke. Laugh while you can, dear readers, because the only entertainment to be had from this episode is this and all the other snarky recaps on line. Tim has a back-up group of wahinis and surfboards. Mercifully, he does not say “duuuude.” He does, however, announce that surf culture is one of the many LA exports to the design community, and the world at large. There is no surf guitar music in the background, and MizShoes finds that to be an enormous failure.

The challenge will be to design a “fun and fashionable” surf look. They must focus on craftsmanship (coughMITCHELLcough) and style. They will be working in teams of two. This does not make Ra’Mon any happier, and he whines something or another about team challenges. Shirin, as last week’s winner, is the first team leader. The others are named, and then they pick their teammates in the same order. It goes down thusly:

Shirin/Carol Hannah; Logan/Christian; Nicolas/Gordana; Mitchell (who confessionalizes that he chose someone who could “carry me”) picks Ra’Mon, much to Ra’Mon’s continued misery. Althea/Louise; Qristyl/Epperson and a gracious Jonny is happy to be left with Irina. They will have to decide which of their two models to use. They will have 20 minutes to sketch/consult with the wahinis—remember the wahinis?

The surfer dudettes offer blinding revelations about what active girls like: comfort and function over fashion. Tropical colors. Ra’Mon bitches that working with Mitchell is the equivalent of having a target painted on his head. Beats the do-rag, I suppose. Qristyl is already pissed that Epperson is talking to the surfer girl and sketching. Nicolas has no clue what the surfer girls are saying, but he’s game for the challenge.

Off the beach and on to Mood LA, where they have a meager fifty bucks and 15 minutes to grab and go. Qristyl is picking garish nastiness and getting overruled by Epperson. They are not a happy couple. And then, DRAMA!!! But not on Project Runway. On Miz Shoes’ couch, when the power flickers and the cable goes out for a minute. When it comes back, Irina is laughing at Jonny and chanting boho chic, boho chic. Well, duh. That is the obvious answer to this challenge.

DanielFranco Lite is proposing an amazing silhouette, with a wrap around pant. He’s going to hand-dye the white and black print so that it no longer looks like zebra. No animal prints. He and Gordana are going to do a woven/macramé top.

Qristyl and Epperson are fighting over Qristyl’s chosen lime green fabric (remember her purple print barf ruffle? Girl is either color blind, or tasteless, and I’m leaning toward tasteless. Epperson interviews that their tension is just fear of failure based. He’s very calm. Over in the other corner, Ra’Mon is complaining that Mitchell is just floating along and making him be the

captain of the team. They are another dysfunctional TV family, playing it all out for airtime.

Jonny refers to Mitchell as “she”. Is it just me, or is this group more fey and over-the-top out than ever before? It’s a veritable Village Persons of gay stereotypes in that workroom. Tim wanders in and announces that the judges didn’t think that there was enough pressure, so they are requiring the designers to come up with a second look. It should work with the first, but be avant-garde, and both looks will walk the runway. Ra’Mon (who is getting way too much air time to make Miz Shoes happy) bewails their fate: “Capital WTF”, and (excuse me while I look in my thesaurus for yet another word that means whine, complain, or bewail …aha!) snivels that he’s just got his hands full trying to keep Mitchell focused and on-task. There are only 3 hours left in the workday. Tim tells the designers that tomorrow one member from each team will go back to Mood with $200 to buy supplies for the second look.

Now it’s Qristyl’s turn to cry and she does, gnashing her teeth that she’s the captain, dammit and Epperson is acting like he is. She’s insulted and says that he treats her like a student, like she can’t sew, like she has no taste. To which Miz Shoes shrugs her shoulders, remembers that purple nastiness and says to the teevee, “and your point is…?”

Ra’Mon is going to make an avant-garde look based on a wet suit. Mitchell is fantasizing that he has wonderful ideas. DanielFranco Lite comes back from Mood to find that Gordana has almost completed the macramé top, but he’s worried that his avant-garde look might be a little too tranny. Epperson is trying to talk to Qristyl, but she’s all “talk to the hand” and won’t have any civility between them. Mitchell thinks he might try to finish the bathing suit and let Ra’Mon do everything else.

Tim comes in and says that he’s the prophet of doom. The designers are not amused. Carol Hannah’s model has decided to take a paying job instead of coming in for a fitting. This is supposed to be drama. CH is like, fine, I’ll go with one of the other models that was sent home. Buh-bye little model, who was originally Ari’s model and could have been auf’ed with the disco soccer ball, but was apparently saved during an epi of Models of the Runway which MizShoes has not, nor does she ever intend to watch. Buh-bye. Good luck with that career thing.

Gordana is watching DanielFranco Lite do something with lace, and says that well, it’s a bit provocative for her taste, but she’s sure that Nicolas knows what he’s doing (and he’s the captain, so on your shield or with it, fella). She doesn’t sound that convinced, and as we see the lace cat suit with no in seam, just sort of gartered on, neither are we.

Ra’Mon is kvetching about his frustration with the dim-witted, but happy-go-lucky Mitchell, who can’t focus long enough to thread a sewing machine. Nicolas is only too happy to offer to pack Mitchell’s bags for him when he’s auffed, and tells him so.

Tim comes for his walkabout, and sees Jonny’s over-sized macramé avant-garde top in brown. Epperson and Qristyl’s surfer look earns raves, it’s a bikini top with a corselet over a voluminous skirt (that’s sort of Epperson’s thing, we’re thinking) and then the model whips off the waist cincher and Tim gags. It was so nice, as a one-piece he says, and so tasteless as a bra top and wrap skirt. Logan has made a hat, and Tim is impressed. Nicolas and Gordana have created something beautiful with their macramé top. What’s up with the macramé this episode? Why? And why all the brown?

Speaking of brown, Ra’Mon is working on his wetsuit cat suit and we see Mitchell’s surf attire next to it. It is that same brown and blue ombre he was working with the first episode and it’s all floaty and drapey. Tim says that it looks like Greek Goddess meets cartoon super hero and that the two looks need to work together and they don’t. Ra’Mon scraps the jumpsuit.

Speaking of not working together, we see Qristyl and Epperson continuing to loathe each other. More to the point, Ra’Mon resents having to carry Mitchell (who chose Ra’Mon to do just that thing). The RLA asks why we haven’t seen any footage of the other teams. Because they aren’t fighting, obviously.

Morning of the runway show finds Mitchell acting like a little girl while Nicolas laughs at him. Qristyl is being arrogant. Logan and Christian are happy with each other and each other’s work. See? No drama, no air play. Tim comes in and says they have two hours to finish, fit and do hair and makeup.

Ra’Mon id dyeing acid yellow neoprene and having a nervous breakdown in the corner. Tim tells him to man up and that there’s on 35 minutes left, so make some thing to send down the runway. With a mere 15 minutes left, Ra’Mon is not giving up and is stapling his model into something made of blotchy neoprene. Qristyl is rehearsing her speech wherein she throws Epperson under the bus, and she is hoping that isn’t a metaphor. Mitchell comes down off his cloud long enough to realize that he’s been in the bottom two twice already, and there’s only been two episodes. Hmmmm, he thinks, this might be problematic.

Finally, we get to the actual runway, and meet the guest judges. Max Azria of BCBG and Rachel Bilson, who is billed as an actress/designer. We start with Epperson and Qristyl and that green patterned dress, and it is wonderful. The fit is marvelous and the avant-garde look is… a mystery to yours truly, because the power surges and blows the cable again and we don’t get the picture back until Shirin and Carol Hannah send down something that whips off to reveal an ACTUAL BATHING SUIT! I’m so stunned I don’t even care what they call avant-garde.

Althea and Louise have done something with a top similar to Althea’s maternity gown. Their attempt at avant-garde is a blue evening gown with swoopy things. DanielFranco Lite’s “macramé” top is beautiful, the wrap pants boring and too long. I don’t even want to talk about the lace cat suit with the cutout thighs.

Logan and Christian have done super skinny white/gold jeans that may be leatha. The model is wearing the beach hat. Their avant-garde look has an over-sized top with a voluminous skirt (need the thesaurus again) and the top sports an asymmetrical neck/collar and it’s all pretty fabulous, actually.

Shirin/Carol Hannah, Logan/Christopher and Althea/Louise are safe. Off they go. Nicolas/Gordana; Ra’Mon/Mitchell; Epperson/Qristyl and Jonny/Irina are left. They have the highest and lowest scores, and will now be raked over the coals.

Jonny’s sportswear look was sporty. There is a soft sweatery top with a macramé panel in the back to add interest, and a flippy skirt. The companion piece (Miz Shoes cannot force herself to either type avant-garde or grace these garments with that appellation) is brown evening gown with a big old pile of fabric along one shoulder that they all keep referring to as more macramé.

Ra’Mon says that their inspiration was a pile of seaweed that washed up on the shore while they were at the beach, and is promptly clocked by Heidi, who says that he wasn’t the captain, and what does Mitchell have to say. And what, exactly, was it that Mitchell actually sewed? The bathing suit? That nobody even sees because it’s under the dress? Riiiight. NinaGarcia, meanwhile, has been smoking crack in the back room, because she is just blown away by the blotchy, ill-fitting, stapled together neoprene dress.

Qristyl preemptively hurls Epperson under the bus, talks over him on the runway, defends her nonexistent taste level and continues acting like a modern day Battling Bickersons on the runway. The green leaf print dress was gorgeous. The other thing, which is brown with a big lump of Qristyl’s electric green fabric sort of eating one side, not so much.

Nicolas and Gordana get the love for the macramé top, not the floppy pants. The lace cat suit, the less said of which the better, is not classy. So.

Jonny and Irina did work that was solid and the two pieces tied together. Mitchell and Ra’Mon, well, see. There’s the problem. Ra’Mon did everything and Mitchell did nothing and how can the judges judge someone who didn’t sew? Nicolas needs to tame his Feather Princess tendencies, but the swimwear portion of the two looks was nice. Max Azria, who is subtitled, notes that Qristyl was weak, and Epperson took advantage of that. Again, the fit and style of the print dress is remarked upon and that was all Epperson. Qristyl’s being an ass on the runway didn’t win her any points with the judges. Back come the designers.

Ra’Mon is the winner for that monstrosity. Or he got the sympathy vote for dealing with Mitchell. The judges claim that his neoprene dress was fresh and beautiful and closest to the ideal of the challenge. I guess NinaGarcia was sharing the crack.

Irina, Jonny, Nicolas and Gordana are all safe. Qristyl and Epperson are taken to task for having such a bad marriage, but Epperson’s coolness is rewarded with “you’re safe” and he leaves the runway.

Qristyl had zilch in the way of leadership skills, but Mitchell is just a jerk and completely inept. Heidi says that he left the judges disappointed and confused and Never in the History of Project Runway has this ever happened before, but you, the team leader, are auffsie daisy.

Mitchell interviews that gee, maybe he didn’t try hard enough. And thus ends the worst episode of Project Runway, ever. Blergh.

There are fifteen beautiful designers before me, but only… wait. Wrong show. It is a bilious yellow green morning in LA, which looks no better in that color than 7th Avenue did with the mannequin in the middle of the street. In the girl designers’ room, Althea didn’t expect Ari to be gone so quickly. I can’t imagine why she didn’t. Where the boys are, Mitchell is just jazzed to still be in the contest. Logan is this season’s shirtless guy. Works for me. I like them long-haired skinny, bare-chested boys. I admit it. I’m not proud, but you know that somewhere, there is a ratings wonk turning to his co-worker and saying, you see? I told you it hits the demographic. Right. I digress.

On the runway, Christopher is reminded that he has immunity, and Heidi announces the next challenge. They will have to design this week for a real star of big and little screens, and a former super model,  and the designers get all twitterpated and think they’ll get to design for Heidi, but no. They will be designing for (remember, this show was filmed two years ago, or so it seems) a very pregnant with twins Rebecca Romijn. She tells them that her routine hasn’t changed because she’ pregnant, so they can design an outfit for any occasion: lunch with friends, dinner with the hubs, business meeting, party. Only caveat: it must show off the belly and be chic.

Back in the work room, Tim is waiting with a pile of fake bellies. Christopher puts his on his mannequin sideways, as though he’s got no clue what a pregnant woman looks like. Oh, right. Chris is this year’s “stupid, twee hat guy” and that’s one stereotype I wish they’d quit casting. I can live with the bitch and the bully and the clueless, but please, for the love of all that is holy, can we stop with the stupid twee hats? The baseball cap two sizes too small and perched at a rakish angle to one side? The little pork pie hats. The little pork pie hat worn over a do-rag coughSantinocough The ladies with the fascinators and Bettie Page bangs. Enough. Except, can I just say that this hat in particular is offensive? The badly crocheted, ear-flapped, green/brown camo version of Janye’s hat? I particularly never want to see its acrylic face again. But I digress.

They have a budget of $100 and 2 days to sew. Half an hour to sketch, half an hour to shop. Logan is clueless and says that babies scare him. Malvin says that he got from his critique last week that the judges want to see a combination of design and construction technique and that he can do that. Malvin seems to be the smartest designer we have.

Sherin is going to do a dress and a coat. Seems ambitious. Hannah Carol says that she’s designed a maternity dress before. For a bridesmaid. Let’s not open that can of worms. Her words. Qristyl is stressing out. Ra’Mon says he’s going to go tailored and refined. Althea is doing a ribbon bodice with a jersey skirt. LouiseBrooks is going to do a (this is a stylistic leap here) 1920’s negligee-inspired cocktail dress, and is hand-dying some lace. Malvin is conceptualizing eggs, and birds in nests and is using ivory burlap again. Ra’mon, having said not three sentences ago that he’s going the tailored and refined route is having a crisis of faith and is now as clueless as Logan. Mitchell is just agonizing over being safe and to hell with creative. So he’s doing kicky shorts, a t-shirt and a jacket. Oh hell no, he is not sending another naked model down the runway. As God as his witness. Althea is eager to see Malvin’s chicken/egg.

Mitchell, who says he’s designed for pregnant women before is working on his shorts. To say they are, at this point sans waistband voluminous is an understatement. Two of the girl designers climb in the shorts, one in each leg. Much hilarity ensues…among the designers who haven’t been there long enough to start having the giggles. At the end of day one, Shirin has finished her dress.

Day two begins with Tim coming for his walkabout. Althea says that she’s designing for a business luncheon and Tim arches his eyebrow, looks at the long train on this and says gurl, please. Don’t even try to sell it as day wear. Louise is doubting herself and asks kindly professor Gunn’s advice. He says if her viscera is telling her no, she needs to listen. In my low-brow world, that means listen to your gut.

Tim and Mitchell share a laugh over last weeks fiasco. Shirin’s dress is praised, as is her choice of materials for her jacket, and Tim warns her that she has to have the right jacket. Malvin explains about the chicken and the egg to Tim, who listens thoughtfully. Malvin then takes over channeling the aliens from Ari and says that he’s going to make jodphurs to go under the birds nest, cradled eggywegg top. Jodphurs with really exaggerated hips so that they will look like uncooked fryer chicken thighs. Tim suggests, ever so gently, that maybe pregnant women don’t want to wear exaggerated chicken thighs. Malvin says he doesn’t want to bore Nina. Oh, you won’t Tim assures him.

As quickly as he can, Tim sidles away and over to Ra’Mon, where he finds a color-blocked cocktail dress. The color blocking is done in great swoops and swashes along the line of the belly, tucking under into an almost straight skirt. Tim tells him not to play safe, but also not to worry, as coo-coo has already been taken. His words.

Malvin has second thoughts. Mitchell innocently mentions to Ra’Mon that his lines have succeeded in looking like a bowling ball, and for some reason, that just flattens Ra’Mon. He has to take walk. Mitchell follows, attempting to cajol Ra’Mon back into good humor. It’s gaggy enough to make me sentimental for Santino or the Pencil Necked Shmoo. Get a room, girls.

The models come for fittings and all freak out over the fake bellies, except for Althea’s model who has a kid and loves the dress. Ra’Mon’s model stays late and gets a scolding from Professor Gunn. Jonny seems to be doing something nice over in his corner. Nick, aka Daniel Franco Lite, advises the viewers that there is some real crap in the workroom. Neither fitted nor chic, Rebecca, he is certain, would not wear any of it. All we see of his dress is a black ruffled plunging neck line. Could be nice.

Day of the Show

My notes say “boys are weak” but I can’t remember who said it. The RLA? One of the girl designers? Me? The boys are weak. Malvin has doubts, and doesn’t think his egg motif is literal enough. Daniel Franco Lite has a broken zipper and Is Not Happy about having to sew his girl into her dress.Mitchell is feverishly working on those shorts. Ra’Mon accuses Logan of being “Stella, workin’ on yur leathah.” Nope. Self-referential is not funny.

Shirin’s dress is pretty and fits well. The black jacket with the print lining is beautiful. Mitchell’s shorts are ghastly. Qristyl breaks a needle. Oh, the humanity. Louise has tons of hand work to do. Malvin is self-concious. Christopher is still working the Jayne Cobb camo and it still sucks.

On the runway, Heidi recaps the challenge. Our guest judges are Monique Lhuillier and Rebecca. Michael Kors is sitting this one out. Heidi is quick to tell the designers that every one of the judges has been pregnant and unable to find decent clothing, so they have sharp eyes. Let’s start the show.

Logan has made a white billowy top and capris. Nicholas has attached that interesting neck to a plain pencil skirt which is riding up as the model leaves the runway and he sees Heidi throw a squint down at that. Christopher has done a magenta satin bubble top over black leggings. Qristyl has done a sexy draped brick colored top over brown. Could be a tiered dress, could be a skirt and top. Epperson has made a dramatic jumpsuit under a dramatic jacket. It’s all edgy and oversized. LouiseBrooks’ dress is pretty in a high-end nightgown sort of way. Gordana has made leggings and a top, in black with a little grey sweater. It’s invisible. Jonny has made a fun, easy dress that might be a wrap, with a self-fabric corsage. Malvin…well, I’m not sure. It looks a little like a baby sling, but there is some very interesting stuff going on at the same time. He’s paired it with skinny black pants. I could see Angelina Jolie in this. Ra’Mon’s dress is awful and not really made well. Carol Hannah has made a blue dress with a drape supporting the belly. It’s the same concept as Malvins, only better made and more flattering. Althea’s navy blue evening dress is has a deep v back. Real boobs would fall out of the bra top, but the model looks lovely. Irina has also made a blue dress. This one looks like a stretch velvet and it’s more turquoise. It’s another halter top and full skirt, and has about eight inches of satin at the hem. Shirin’s ensemble is amazing.

Ra’Mon, LouiseBrooks, Althea, Malvin, Mitchell and Shirin are left on the runway. We begin with Ra’Mon’s cocktail dress. Monique says it’s too busy, and the construction is sloppy. They all agree that it looks like the racing stripes are pointing to the baby. These women are vicious.

Louise’s pleated bust and tiered slips get high praise for being adaptable to all stages of pregnancy. Althea’s evening gown is called perfection by Monique, and Rebecca loves it. NinaGarcia thinks that Malvin’s egg looks like a baby sling (see?) but they love the way he’s made the black organza look like feathers around the neckline.

Again, they all love Mitchell’s concept. They’d love to go to lunch or the grocery store in this. Well, not THIS. THIS is so badly constructed that they wouldn’t use it to mop the countertop. Heidi calls it a sad, pregnant mess. Shirin’s dress is comfortable. There are no bad angles. They all love the jacket and the detailing.

Then the claws come back out and they run down the list again. Ra’Mon’s construction made the baby bulge look like a bowling ball. Mitchell can’t sew. Malvin had a concept and he went with it. Sherin’s waistline treatment was beautiful, the coat was beautiful and the whole outfit the most wearable of the bunch. Althea had gorgeous draping, color choice and elegant lines. Louise’s dress was fun, but, you know, do you really want to walk around in your lingerie when you’re pregnant? But it was well executed. But, your lingerie. In public.

Louise, Althea and Ra’Mon are in. Shirin is the winner and the judges say that they would all wear it, pregnant or not. Which leaves Malvin and Mitchell. Mitchell’s total lack of sewing skills and time management is called to account. Inexcusable, says Heidi, and then tells Malvin that the whole chicken/egg thing was so heinous, that he has to leave. Aufsie Daisy. Inexcusable has been excused and Mitchell squeaks by to be auff’ed another day.

Next week, they have to work in teams. That’s never pretty.

Somehow, I don’t think this is what Freddie Mercury had in mind. And I wish I could have gotten a shot of the 10 gold hoops running down the side of each ear, the black nail polish and the fact that the red jacket is a NASCAR jacket. Or that the woman is not a young thing. That may even be her daughter over there on the left.

This is the “crime against fashion” post to tide you all over until I can post my Project Runway recap.

An embarrassment of riches.

The little Casita des Zapatos is old. It was built in 1954 (same as yours truly) and many of my trees date back that far, or close. As good as a year as this was for the mangos, the avocado tree is out to compete in the ridiculous amount of fruit olympics. This tree was a graft, way back when, and the main trunk produces pear-shaped fruit of good size, with thin skins that zip off like a banana peel, small seeds and thick, delicious meat. But at some point in the past 55 years, a sucker came off the root stock, and nobody ever cut it down, so the tree has a second, also good-sized trunk. On that side of the tree, the fruit is small, and almost round, with thick, crumbly skins and giant seeds and thin meat. It is equally delicious, though.

This year the root stock side of the tree has borne fruit like never before. There must be hundreds of avocados, growing in clusters like grapes. One branch was so loaded that the RLA built a crutch for it, to keep it from snapping under the weight. The nice thing about avocados is that they don’t ripen on the tree, so you can pull them off as needed, let them ripen in a brown paper bag on the window sill, and have a never-ending supply of guacamole. The nice thing about guacamole is that you can freeze it (just don’t put the onions and tomatoes in before you do; add those after you defrost it) and it lasts forever.

Here is my Tex-Mex guacamole recipe, exactly as written for me 30 years ago by my TINY friends (TINY, for those who aren’t old enough to remember, were Texans In New York, a very large population in the late 70s, when The Lonestar Cafe was the toast of 5th Avenue, with its giant iguana on the roof, red eyes glowing in the night.)

2 big avocados cut in 1/2 inch chunks

1 chopped up big onion (green onions are great too)

1 big handful chopped serrano chili peppers (green)

1 chopped green pepper

1 big tomato cut in 1/2 inch chunks

salt and pepper and lime juice

Just mix these with a big spoon. DO NOT MASH.

As ever, this is part of the Nature Notes meme.