Miz Shoes is very sorry, but there will be very little snark hereabouts today. Miz Shoes has made a point of not reading any other recaps or reportage about this week’s episode and so does not know where she falls on the Metaverse’s spectrum of responses. She sincerely hopes for the majority.

This episode was sold as being full of the dramaz, and it was that. It was some pretty fucking compelling reality up on that screen. What Mondo did and what Mondo said could not have come at a more opportune time for the American soul, what with two very young men dead this week as a result of bullying.

But you know what Miz Shoes thinks about this? Miz Shoes would like to politely ask what the collective and ever-loving fuck is wrong with America’s collective morals that this behavior is considered anything less than criminal under any circumstance? Miz Shoes has plenty to say about this, but you want to know what it is that just irks Miz Shoes down to the very molecules that comprise her cranky existence? That the parents of the bullies are her age or thereabouts.

Would NinaGarcia like to hear the story behind why Miz Shoes is so incensed that her peers taught their children that it is somehow wrong and bad and deserving of public ridicule to be any other than a white heterosexual? Miz Shoes would be happy to tell her story to Miss Garcia.

Because twenty-five years ago, Miz Shoes had friends who were gay, and they were her companions from college. They were true and dear and it had cost them a lot to come out in the early seventies, almost forty fucking years ago. And then they started getting sick, and dying horribly, several of them alone and abandoned by their families. Some of them in hospitals, surrounded by love. And nobody gave a shit that gay men were dying in droves because they were somehow less than human for being gay. Really? It’s twenty-five fucking years into this epidemic and there are still people too afraid to come out to family or to tell anyone their HIV status? Well, where were their parents, Miz Shoes’ peers in the 80s and 90s, that they didn’t lose a single friend or relative and are able to pass along fear and prejudice to their kids?

Really, America? This is heartbreaking, but not for the reasons I suspect are being discussed around the web. This week’s episode was heartbreaking because it was true and people in situations like Mondo’s do have to live in fear and secrecy and that’s just unacceptable.

And, oh yeah, Mondo won his third challenge in a row, knocking a little sigh of pleasure from NinaGarcia over the exquisite tailoring and styling of his suit. Valerie finally and deservedly got the aufsie daisy. Next week, cheating?      

Previously on Project Runway, despite the judges having on their collective bitch pants,  Mondo won a challenge with a Jackie Kennedy on mescaline Chanel suit, Michael Knitwear guy was aufsie-daisy for the horror of cartridge pleats, and Tim had a hissy fit on his vlog, then remembered his manners, took it down and created a huge flutter in the Metaverse.

Gretchen and April are ready for another challenge, while Ivy and Valerie engage in mutual enabling of delusions and generally neurotic behavior. Ivy declares Valerie utterly broken by the last challenge. Mondo and Christopher have to move in with Andy and Wimpy. Not that Mondo calls Michael C Wimpy. No, that is Miz Shoes’ pet name for the Rodney Dangerfield of the Project Runway workroom. In fact, from now on we will refer to him as Rodney, so pay attention. But we digress. Andy throws some shade on Rodney, implying that he’s untrustworthy, and we’re off to the runway.

Heidi tells them nothing about the challenge, except the winner will walk away with a huge chunk of change. Tim tells them that this is the

make-up sponsor’s

couture challenge, that they have two days to create something over the top and fabulous, and $300 to spend at Mood. Their design will be featured in an advertorial for L’oreal. Massive product placement by Mr. Clean, and Pee Ess, the winner will also get a cool twenty grand. Montage of designers telling us how poor they are and how they need the money to stay out of the homeless shelter. Use our eye-shadow palettes as your inspiration. The palletes are Metallic, Velvet, Matte, Crystal and Bright. Gretchen considers the velvet, because she wants a challenge. Then Tim says not to use velvet unless you are really good with it or up to the challenge. Well, of course, our Miss Gretchen is up for that, by golly. Miz Shoes considers the possibility that Gretchen is a Sarah Palin supporter. As last week’s winner, Mondo gets to choose first, and he naturally gloms onto Bright.

The remaining designers chose in order, Christopher-crystal, April-matte, Rodney-metallic, Ivy-bright (because she can, too, use color, dammit), Valerie-crystal and Gretchen declares for “risky” velvet, because that’s just the sort of takin’ risks kinda girl she is, donchaknow? Andy goes for metallic. The designers stare at the piles of makeup and see Hawaiian waves in electric blue (Ivy), Galadriel’s fairy bathrobe/kimono (Gretchen), and Mondo is reminded of his childhood kaleidoscope.

At Mood, Swatch steals the show. First he barks at Tim’s feet, then Tim chases him around (looking for all the world like C3P0) and ends with a final thank you Mood and goodbye, Swatch. Yay for Swatch. In the workroom, Gretchen is furious with Rodney, because he is using her signature color, and she turned him on to it during the group challenge. He haz stole her colur! Oh,  NOES!!! Miz Shoes feels that there are about six hours of Gretchen kvetchin’ and decides that Gretchen is smug and humorless and clueless of her lack.

Tim Thru (TM)! Valerie has a lot of work, and a lot of her usual swoopy pleating things, coming from shoulder to hip across the body. Tim warns her that she has a lot of look. April is doing another riff on her winning resort look, and again in black on black. I love you, April, but use some color! Andy is doing a futuristic warrior woman, and while the other designers opine that his look is questionable, Tim tells it to take it further. Ivy is doing these bias ruffles and says it’s waves and water crashing and Tim recoils from the literalness of it all.

Gretchen attempts to sweet talk Mondo over Capri Suns. Since it’s a two-day challenge, the designers have all been working slowly, except for April, who has watched this show before and knows that there is always a twist and so has been working steadily all day, just in case. Models come in for their fittings and nobody has anything for them to try on, except Rodney and April. By the end of the night, Mondo has determined that he needs to start over on his bodice.

The next morning, as the designers settle in for the second day of work, Tim comes in to deliver their

death sentence

twist. They will have to create a ready to wear riff on the couture piece. And they have little time to sketch, little money at Mood and no additional hours, really, to do it all. There is much open-mouthed gaping and rending of garments. More Mood, more Swatch. In the sewing room, the designers fantasize over what they could do with 20K. There is a lot of debt to be paid off, but April wants a miniature pony. Miz Shoes is more than ever convinced that April is the natural daughter of her her long-lost friend, Psycho Patti. Tim comes around for his second walk though, Valerie has a nervous weeping fit and Ivy pities Val’s weakness. Morning of the show, however, finds Valerie with a lot of hand work left to do, but Ivy without a single finished piece. Extended footage of sewing, styling (Gretchen again uses the bone suede knee boots, this time under her elvish robe. Girl, give those tired things a rest, already.) At the ten minute warning, there are still a lot of unfinished garments in the work room.

Guest judge this week is Naeem Khan, whose clients include Michelle Obama, and she always looks great in his stuff, so well done, Mr. Kahn. April’s two black looks come out, and the first is sort of a steam punk neo-Victorian riding coat with a mullet hem and bustle back. This is worn over another pair of granny hot panties. The RTW is a little black dress with a ruffle shrug. There may be organza involved. Mondo sends out a Memphis-inspired bustier and skirt, and both pieces seem to move independent of the model. His second look is a body-conscious sheath, with a panel of black and white chevrons down the center front, and a matching panel in the back of black and white horizontal stripes. There are button details at the neck.

Ivy has made two things that are very, very, retinal-searing blue. Neither piece is pretty and neither piece fits, but Ivy is sure that she is safe. Rodney (Michael C, remember?) has made a ridiculous dress with pectoral fins and a train that has a hoopy, boned hem and a few hundred yards of ruffles. He calls the RTW look a mini-me version. Miz Shoes calls it the mall version, but recognizes that he does tend to design for strippers who have married Texas politicians, and they would totally shop at the store that carried his work. Christopher has used cream and white and illusion netting and bits of lace to make an ice dancer bodice over a sort of swirling chiffon meringue around her hips, below which hangs Gretchen’s signature faded lavender. This is echoed in the RTW sheath dress in ivory with a center panel of lavender. A lot of froth, but no coffee.

Gretchen has made a flapperesque bath kaftan, in a burgundy and beige tie-dye velvet, with floating panels (predictably) of darker and lighter purples in crepes or chiffons. It is covered all over in a grid of long, dangly ivory feathers, like tufts of fringe, and the (predictably) open back has all of its edges highlighted with beading. The model is wearing her hair parted in the middle, and a Renfest headpiece made of beads. The RLA took one look and invoked the sacred name of Bea Arthur or maybe only said it looked old. Her ready to wear bears absolutely no relation to her couture look. It is made of shades of teal green, and the side seams overlap to create a high slit on the leg when the model walks. Valerie’s contributions are long and white and shiny and short and black with three shiny buttons. She’s just happy to have two finished pieces. Andy’s armor is black and red and shiny and covered with his accordion-pleated panels. It is samurai armor and cocktail umbrellas all done in a goth color way. His RTW dress fits like a glove and has panels of the shimmery stuff on the arms and sides, in an echo of the armor.

Christopher and April are safe. Ivy, Valerie and Rodney have the bottom scores, and are sent away. Mondo, Andy and Gretchen have the top scores, and proceed to critique. The judges are back drinking the Gretchen koolaid, and Miz Shoes respectfully disagrees. Her look was dowdy and limp, just like everything else she makes, and enough with the beige boots. April should have been the number three top scorer.

Mr. Khan loves Andy’s multiple techniques, and the cocktail dress. NinaGarcia is fascinated with the leggings that incorporate the boots, and she and MKors both love Andy’s two looks, but Heidi doesn’t care for the couture bootleggings. Mondo’s kaleidoscope and simple day dress garner more accolades. Mr. Khan loves the multiple stripes, MKors calls the back dreamy, and like a Kentucky Derby ribbon exploded, but in a good way. Heidi loves the hat.

The losers come back out and Ivy attempts to defend her look. Pieces are coming off at the neckline on the evening dress. It’s pretty sad, and the short version just as sad. Everyone hates it, especially Mr. Khan, and when Heidi says that she doesn’t hate it as much as the other judges do, he shoots her a disbelieving look and says “Huh.”

Valerie’s failures are explained to her: she didn’t listen to the fabric, she forced it, trying to do structured with soft fabrics and drape with stiff ones. She missed her inspiration (Audrey Hepburn) by light years. Rodney is told that of the bottom three, his is the only work to look well-sewn, because the judges just aren’t going to let the other designers forget how they stood on that runway and said he couldn’t sew at all. Then they call out his couture gown for the mess it is, but heap a little bit of love on the short dress with the Judy Jetson peplum.

The judges deliberate and offer up sound bites of scathing disapproval. MKors declares a tight race for hideous this week. In the end, Mondo wins over Andy and Gretchen is safe, Michael C is safe, Valerie squeaks by and Ivy, the bitterest of kittens is sent home, to be forever bitter and resentful of the color turquoise.

Previously…orange Manhattan. The boys are sad that Casanova is gone. It’s quiet, now…too quiet. Ivy is a stone bitch, and Wimpy says that she needs to use a color other than opaque. It’s a great line,and MizShoes regrets not thinking of it first.

On the runway, Heidi is wearing the formal version of last week’s winning garment and delivers the challenge: step back in time. Gretchen doesn’t want to be forced to make a corset. The challenge as revealed by Tim, however, is nothing more than Michael Kors 2.0: American sportswear as personified by Jackie Kennedy. Just in case anybody has forgotten that the current first lady is oft compared to Jackie O and oft dressed by Mr. Kors. Not that Miz Shoes thinks that there is anything wrong in any of that.

Christopher says that he has this one in the bag, as he IS an American sportswear designer. He’s going to do a fantastic dress. Andy is perplexed and seems to be drawing costumes for a post-apocalyptic remake of Newsies. Aesthetic, aesthetic.

At Mood, Mondo hears the voices in the fabric bolts, Ivy is making bold and unusual color choices (i.e.: not beige), we get a Swatch sighting and Michael Knitwear Guy starts to question himself before the cashier hands him his change. Kicky do-rag or no, the guy is pouring flop sweat. The countdown to his exit has surely begun.

In the work room, Mondo has this over scale black, purple and white houndstooth boucle that looks like Chanel suiting, if Betsey Johnson were doing Chanel suiting. Gretchen wonders about Mondo’s taste level.  She and Valerie bond in the sewing room, and Valerie says aesthetic. Ivy throws shade on Wimpy.

Tim comes for walkies! He begins with Christopher, whose silvery one-shouldered cocktail dress is lovely. April says it looks like her grandmother’s clothes. What does everyone one this show have against fashionable grandmothers? More sound bites from the designers. Michael Knitwear guy says Mondo has designed for Jackie in the desert on mescaline. April calls out the fit on Andy’s cargo capris, which are wedged up the model’s butt. She doubts that Jackie in any century would wear his look. She is pretty spot on.

Valerie seems to think that calling Wimpy’s look “very Donna Karan” is an insult. We’ve moved on from he can’t sew, to he doesn’t have a clear point of view. Sour grapes, much? More workroom high jinks and morning coffee together high jinks and finally, we get back to the workroom to the Tim Twist(TM). Today will not be a runway day, after all. Instead, they will be going back to Mood with another $150 dollars and they will have to create an additional look, a piece of outerwear to compliment their original outfit. There is much consternation and gnashing of teeth.

Sinister interlude at Mood (and another Swatch sighting) where we see Wimpy come around a corner and trip over a bolt of fabric that’s been partially pulled out already. He loves it and starts touching it, when Gretchen, who’s already shopping that aisle, sees him and snatches the bolt saying she was going to buy some. And you know what? She probably was, and had already pulled it, so for this once, Miz Shoes is willing to cut the skank some slack.

Back in the sewing room again, and the unholy troika of Gretchen, Ivy and Valerie continue to bash Wimpy. Since his ability to sew has been established, the new charge against him is that he sews too much and makes too many garments per challenge, and relies on Tim Gunn to make his decisions and then brags that he made seven dresses. To use a TLo-ism, those are some bitter kittens. Another “Evil Wimpy” soundbite, as he says if you’re gonna hate on him for winning challenges, then step up your fucking game and win one your ownself (cough, Valerie, Ivy, cough). To which Miz Shoes says, right on.

We get a second Tim Through, where he is unimpressed with Valerie’s vest over jacket, completely mystified by Michael Knitwear’s grey wool jersey skirt with cartridge pleating at the dropped hip and inexplicable jacket, and concerned that Andy may be giving Jackie Kennedy camel toe. Mondo has made a little black jacket lined in purple to go over his Mondo/Chanel skirt.

Runway day and the girls are worried for Andy, Andy is feeling confident and true to himself, and Michael Knitwear is hoping just not to go home. Mondo assures him he will not. Death spiral commencing in two. Christopher is not having an easy time with his leathah shrug. Mondo is dressed like a Kewpie Doll and does a little tap dance. Dead Man Walking Michael interviews that some people are hating on Wimpy because they are all stuck up elitist bitches. In case you’ve not been paying attention, the editors helpfully cut in views of Gretchen, Valerie and Ivy. He is still pleased with his outfit…with cartridge pleating on a high hip.

Smoky eye, smoky eye, smoky eye. Is there any other kind? And finally, it is runway time. Heidi introduces the guest judge, January Jones, actress. January Jones is a flawless blonde in the mold of Grace Kelly, and is famous for playing Betty Draper on Mad Men, where she is styled to perfection as such. In real life, she’s the kind of girl who wears jeans and white shirts. Still, she is as uniquely qualified to spot a Jackie Kennedy vibe as anyone who wasn’t around for the real thing.

Christopher leads with his beautiful silvery dress with the unfortunate dead animal shrug. Don’t misunderstand, Miz Shoes is all about the dead animal pelts, and this one, all frosty pale and hand-sheared to a sort of post-modern Persian lamb is gorgeous, but what Christopher has created is much less than the sum of its parts. Next comes April’s body conscious black outfit with a sheer black organza jacket. Ivy’s exciting use of black, white and grey: wide legged pants, asymmetric white blouse and sheer grey organza asymmetric mini trench coat. She’s pretty smug about how great a look it is and says she’s never seen anything like this before, in which case, she’s blind.

Wimpy isn’t as sure about his blue cocktail dress with a black denim vesty jacket. Miz Shoes is pretty sure that Gretchen’s outfit contained a lot of brown and a lot of floaty layers and that the proportions on that giant toast-colored, belted horse blanket were awful. Michael Knitwear guy’s grey, black and white ensemble comes out and the skirt is too short. He whispers to the other designers that he is toast.

Valerie’s three pieces are dark, full of her usual boomerang pleat/flaps and heavy. Andy is still delusional about his cargo capris and the lumpy vest he’s made. Even his model can’t save this with her walk. Mondo’s tailored his three pieces to perfection. His model sells the look to perfection. The striped boat neck tee shirt has three quarter sleeves, cuffed with the stripes perpendicular to the sleeve, and is fitted to perfection. The little jacket lined with purple is perfection.

Wimpy, April and Gretchen are safe. The others are the best and the worst. The inquisition begins with Valerie and her jacket over jacket. The judges hate everything about it, from her color choices to her floppy collar to her pleats and zippers. Christopher ruined his look with the dirty rug of a fur stole. Michael Knitwear is flayed, drawn and quartered by MKors who fluffs himself up and declares himself insulted by this vision of sportswear. NinaGarcia enumerates his failures. Miss Jones is unimpressed. He’s just circling the drain.

Mondo’s outfit is praised, and then the judges move on to what his model is wearing. The combination of patterns, the silhouette, the completeness of the elements working together all get praise. It does not look cheap! Next is Ivy, who garnishes love from MKors for the architectural elements of her tailoring. She claims that she was inspired by shapes, like triangles and squares, because shapes are timeless. As artistic statement wank goes, that’s pretty impressive wank.

Andy is completely blind sides by the judges’ responses to his vision. Heidi says she just wants to laugh at the very concept that any of this would under any set of circumstances, be worn by Jackie Kennedy. MKors, NinaGarcia and Heidi compete for the cruelest put down of Andy and then everyone is sent to the green room to lick their wounds. The judges begin again, and are bored by Valerie, appalled by Andy and ready to pull the plug on Michael Knitwear.

Christopher made a smart dress and wrapped it in a dirty dishrag, Mondo understood the challenge, the inspiration, his personal style and melded it together successfully. Ivy didn’t suck, for once, and used good materials and tailored well. Decision made, let’s bring back the designers. NinaGarcia is seen giving a sage nod in slo-mo.

Mondo is the clear winner (agreed), Christopher is safe, and so are Ivy and Andy. Valerie looks pityingly over at Michael Knitwear, who was resigned to being sent home when he first questioned his fabric choices back at Mood. Valerie made ill-fitting, unflattering mall wear, but Michael Knitwear made an unflattering silhouette with cartridge pleats and layered wife-beaters. Michael Knitwear apologizes to Tim for not listening, and they hug. Next week? It seems that there will be more blood on the runway.

      

Wow. Was that the best episode of Project Runway ever, or what? Even better than the 33 Faces of Gretchen. We open with a recap of Ivy spreading nasty rumors about Wimpy. Well, it ain’t slander if it’s true, so there’s no fault, no foul if he did say she was the bitch of the season.

April laments the loss of Peach, and has to move in with the mean girls, who pretend to make her feel welcome. In the men’s suite, Andy gets his bitch panties on and tells Wimpy that he can’t respect him as a designer because he just doesn’t know who Wimpy is. First use of “aesthetic”, so take a shot. Wimpy is gracious and tries to answer. April is gracious, and pretends to believe that the mean girls are sincere.

What the hell is Heidi wearing? Blue satin Hammer/genie pants? Were they a gift from En Nino del Infierno made with the left overs from the last challenge? While the viewer is still reeling from that, the designers are whisked away to the Hudson River to take a short spin on a tour boat. They meet Tim and Michael Kors at the dock, and MKors explains that the challenge will be to design a resort wear look, and he knows resort wear. Wimpy reminds us that he’s from Palm Springs, and has this one in the bag. Michael Knitwear loves resort wear. Mondo’s idea of resort wear is his underwear in his apartment. Miz Shoes pauses for a moment to consider that vision and shudders. On to the boat for breakfast, champagne and sketching. MKors gives everyone a pair of sunglasses from his new line. Gretchen sucks up for the cameras. Christopher and Michael Knitwear are psyched. Tim hangs on the rail for dear life, while attempting to look nonchalant.

Andy is going to go a luxury one piece and cover up. He and April are wearing the same grey nail polish. Mondo and April bond over their loser status. Miz Shoes is loving April: she is spitting image of Miz Shoes’ college best friend, Psycho Patti, although in those days she wasn’t Psycho yet. April reminds us of her diaper resort wear fiasco. Tim gives Michael Knitwear a pep talk, and he refers to his vision as a gift. Ivy buys more colorless fabric. We get a huge Swatch spotting at the five minute warning, as designers panic and just grab anything.

Back in the workroom, Tim comes in with the velvet bag of doom. Michael Knitwear hates the bag. Casanova hates the bag. Valerie hates the bag. The bag is there to pair up the designers. They will be executing each other’s design work: they will be each other’s sample rooms. Valerie is chosen first, and she gets teamed with Andy. Michael C (Wimpy) is paired with Mondo, who has just delivered a sound bite about NOBODY WANTS TO BE ON WIMPY’S TEAM and is pissed to have to take the bullet for the team. April is paired with Christopher, and they are happy because they work exactly the same way. Casanova is paired with Gretchen, who tries to put happy face on it. That leaves Ivy and Michael Knitwear, and Ivy immediately puts down his sewing skills as being nowhere on a par with her own.

Tim implies that the teams will be judged on their communication. But the designer will own the design, the sample maker is merely the sewer. Mondo starts off with Wimpy by telling him that he doesn’t want to be his partner because Wimpy’s sewing skills suck. He is an utter ass, and Wimpy just sighs and tries to get along. For all that the blogosphere has been told that Wimpy isn’t without fault, Miz Shoes knows that if she’d been in Michael C’s place with the non-stop high school shunning going on, she’d have snapped a long time ago. It would have been a Project Runway First as she attempted to stab someone through the heart with a French curve.

Andy isn’t sure that Valerie can do swimwear. Ivy is already up Michael Knitwear’s grill and he’s already looking in his head for his happy place. Gretchen is speaking slowly and clearly to Casanova, who tells us that she gives him BIG drawings, too. There is nothing wrong with my eyes, he says, and then comes to the horrible realization that Gretchen “believes that I am a retard”. Oh, honey, don’t take it so personal. Gretchen advises El Nino del Infierno on his color choices, telling him it looks old lady. She then belts out TWO “aesthetics” in one sentence. Double shot!!

Mondo and Valerie and Andy all trash Wimpy. Mondo thinks it’s going to be the end for him, this horrible, horrible, torturous working with Wimpy. Andy and Valerie and doing well. And then, the most amazing thing happens. Wimpy makes a great garment. And Mondo confesses that he had been a dick. And then he actually manned up and apologized to Wimpy. And with that he became Miz Shoes favorite contestant, except for April.

Very Special Surprise!! A guest critic, who is Michael Kors. The Dutchess is going to review the work in the workroom. Resort wear. He’s a little gay. Gretchn and Casanova. MKors says its looking a little older and a little beige. Gretchen is also making a super pallazo pant, using the same burgundy from the team challenge. MKors warns her about the color. Wimpy has done a pallazo pant jumpsuit in shiny. Mondo’s turquoise and yellow boy shorts and lime green print micro-hoodie and the green twee visor/hat and the hot pink trim on the bra top is a little too busy for Kors.

MKors and April have a bonding moment. Shorts better fit, and no ass cheek, says Michael to April. Christopher is doing a chiffon draped item. Ivy has dumbed down her designs to her idea of what Michael Knitwear’s skills are capable. All the other designers know that Ivy is a stone bitch and good luck with that. Andy and Valerie are warned that they have much work to do, and Valerie breaks down after MKors tells her to get over that cadet blue and the hideous bordeaux.

Michael Knitwear can’t sew what April designed. Valerie loses it and utters the “Going home is not an option” line. She has to talk to her mom. Crying. Drama. Michael Knitwear is resigned to being the death of Ivy. Mondo realizes again that he was a jerk, and now he and Wimpy are BFFs. The designers will have ten minutes before the show to take back their work. April checks for ass cheeks on the model as she walks and instructs Christopher to drop the short to cover all of their asses. Ivy is a stone bitch and is perched on Michael Knitwear’s shoulder like Snoopy when he’s a vulture. Her crazy is radiating off of her in waves. And as soon as Tim says that they can switch positions, they are in each other’s chairs.

Runway. Heidi comes out in the bedazzeled version of last week’s winning dress. Judges are Michael Kors, NinaGarcia and Kristin Bell, “sytlish American Actess”. Miz Shoes is glad that someone told her. Wimpy’s jumpsuit comes out first, simply styled and well made. Mondo’s kicky Malibu Barbie beach wear. Micheal Knitwear’s black linen sheath with a glittery bikini bra under it. Ivy’s white and celadon boring nothing thing. Christopher’s chiffon top and super-fitted Bermuda shorts. April can tailor. April’s little hot pant and bondage and baby doll top is amazing. El Nino del Infierno’s look is camel palazzo pants and an ivory, low boatneck blouse with a bubble hem and a wide waistband of cotton crochet lace. Gretchen has made a slip-topped jumpsuit pallazo pants cum genie pants. Valerie’s shorts and best are meh, and she isn’t happy with how Andy sewed it. But Andy’s design is sewn beautifully, and those fabrics are perfect together and rich looking. And Andy’s model can walk the shit out of anything.

Andy, Casanova, Mondo, April, Ivy, Michael Knitwear are called out. They are the tops and bottoms. Andy, April and Michael have the high scores. The bottoms are sent back to the green room. We hear about Mondo’s underwear again. April defends her look by using “aesthetic”. Drink!!! Michael Kors is in love. Tough, punk baby doll. Hot but not vulgar. MKors appreciates the panty with no ass. Kristin Bell would wear it on the red carpet.

Andy allows that being from Hawaii, he is familiar with resort wear. Heidi finds it commercial, but in a yachting about the Mediterranean way. NinaGarcia loves the fabric and the expensive look. MKors loves the suit. Michael Knitwear thanks Ivy for her skills, and Ivy is a stone bitch and tries to throw him on anyone’s sword. Effortless and ageless agree Kristin and NinaGarcia about his design, though.

Mondo says that he’s never seen a resort and has no clue and NinaGarcia slaps that excuse like a mosquito. MKors uses the word “aesthetic” and Miz Shoes pretends not to hear it, thereby skipping the fifth shot. Junior wear. Wimpy praises working with Mondo and says that it was the “funnest” challenge. Mondo returns the love and admits that he was a dick before.

Ivy immediately says that her design sucks because Michael Knitwear can’t sew and had huge imitations. MKors says that he saw what she had on her fabric table. NinaGarcia says that she has the chops, but not the design skills. Wimpy says that Ivy is a stone bitch, and she is. Wimpy makes faces in the background as Ivy is a stone bitch.

Casanova loves his look and says that it was inspired by his grandmother. And now the judges pile on about how old the look is. Miz Shoes respectfully disagrees. It looks like it would be the nicest outfit on the page in a Soft Surroundings catalog. The model would be bone thin and elegant and have silver hair, but would probably be all of 45 in real life. Miz Shoes would look at the page and think the outfit handsome and realize that outside of certain parts of Texas, nobody wears that stuff. So. Yeah, grandmotherly, if your grandmother is 55 and plays tennis at the club every afternoon.

OMG. Mondo and Wimpy are sitting together on the couch, arms around each other’s shoulders. How sweet. The judges love Andy’s bathing suit and cover up. They love Michael Knitwear’s piece, and talk about how he was able to clearly explain what he wanted. April’s babydoll is hot, cool and wearable. Mondo’s work is called K-Mart. Ivy is recognized as a stone bitch and the judges agree that while she can sew, she is no designer. NinaGarcia wants to know where the middle ground is for Casanova, because everything he does is either Madonna or Whore.

Michael Knitwear is sent off the runway, safe. He is relieved not to have won, because he wants to be able to sleep. Heidi praises April for creating a piece that is true to her “aesthetic” and oh, please. Miz Shoes concedes the game. She cannot drink a shot every time someone on this show utters the word aesthetic. Andy’s work is dramatic, wearable and April wins. The green room explodes in applause and hugs and tears. April is so cute. Andy is in. Mondo is in, and runs off the runway like a scalded cat. Ivy is called out for being a neurotic bitch. Casanova is called out for designing for his grandmother. Ivy is in, and is encouraged to wow the judges next time, or there won’t be another chance. Ivy pretends not to want to kill Michael Knitwear, but Miz Shoes would keep one eye open. April is sad. Casanova gets a lovely montage of his greatest hits.

Tim is sad to say goodbye to Casanova. Hugs. Ball grabbing. Next week, Jackie O would not wear goth.

Previously on Project Runway, the popular kids were mean to Michael C aka Bluto*, and Gretchen revealed her true nature. Or natures, as there were many faces of Gretchen revealed.  In a team challenge which was supposed to have no leaders, Gretchen ran Team Luxe to a well-deserved loss, then AJ had to take the bullet, and was sent home. Team Even the Losers Get Lucky Sometimes won the challenge and El Nino del Infierno won immunity.

The Statue of Liberty holds her lamp high over the orange skyline of Manhattan. In the Atlas, the cool kids are still bitching that the losers won. Even April is trashing Wimpy and saying that he can’t tailor, drape, cut a pattern or sew. Ivy and Valerie want him to get sent home. Gretchen cries crocodile tears over Tim Gunn’s smack down and says he hurt her feelings. Ivy and Valerie are happy that Tim did it. They think it will give Gretchen a little reality check. Maybe, if they don’t go back to being her adoring sycophants, annnd we’re already too late for that.

Runway: Casanova has immunity. New models and quite a task. Oh, lord. It’s the reconfigure some of the world’s ugliest bridesmaids’ dresses challenge. Make something they would like to wear out of this crap fabric and these ugly colors. There is a blue vertical bow, a dress that looks like a Twizzler, another that looks like the inside of a Pepto-Bismal bottle. Every one is made of horrible polyester satin.

As the winner, Casanova picks first and goes for the tallest and thinnest girl. Everyone gets someone and something. Micheal Knitwear is appalled to be last and left with the big girl. Ivy picks the ivory dress, of course. Mondo goes for a rose-colored dress which is later revealed to be sporting a giant white stripe down the back.  The designers are told to create something that looks like a runway, nothing like a bridesmaid’s dress. $50 and up to two yards of additional fabric. Use most of the bridemaid’s dress. Christopher’s model bails and he gets a new girl with a sort of metallic net and embroidery.

April’s model is a pain. She wants the pleats ironed out of a Fortuny-pleated grey dress and does not get April’s aesthetic. Miz Shoes considers taking a shot every time one of the designers says “aesthetic”. Knitwear Michael calls his model “vo-LUMP-tuous. Tailoring and smart decisions will be key to his success, he says. And off they go to Mood. Michael Knitwear is so undone by the size of his model that he buys upholstery fabric instead of dress-making fabric, because he can only buy two yards, and upholstery fabric is about three times the width of dress fabric. It’s also coarse and cheap. And insulting to his model, although as far as he’s concerned, he’s being “mindful” of her special needs, saying to Gretchen that he doesn’t want his model’s size to even be a conversation topic. He’s really sort of a douche, isn’t he?

In the sewing room, Valerie and Andy trash Wimpy and his sewing skills, while Valerie sneers that the judges will tell them that they are crazy to think he can’t sew and love his work. They agree that the judges are the crazy idiots. Gretchen calls her mommy and blah blah blah time of reflection. Blah blah blah. Her mother is like a character from “Northern Exposure” but she is Gretchen’s mother, and Miz Shoes is not a person to talk trash about someone’s mother. Christopher is crushed inside for Gretchen. Gretchen and Tim are especially polite to each other as he comes in for his walkabout and Gretchen says blah blah blah. Tim tells Wimpy to edit and Michael Douche says something about size and trying to be kind. Valerie is making clothes, not fashion.

Tim’s Surprise is that they’ll have an extra day, one in which they will have a Project Runway Open House and hundreds of random people will come through and have a chance to meet them and vote on their favorite, which will influence the judges decision, but how much so is to be determined at a later date, depending, you know, on if the judges like who these people like. Some of the designers do not look happy about this.

Michael Douche is dressing the big girl in a fucking baby doll dress. Miz Shoes wants to slap him. Wimpy’s model is insisting on the black lace that Tim told him to ditch. He thinks he can make it work. The bust is lined with the ivory that was part of her ebony and ivory and rhinestone dress. Michael Douche is being a douche. April and her model are not happy together. Peach is in a panic, having cut her skirt wrong.

Life in the popular girls’ room is on display. Miz Shoes fast forwards. Peach is fatalistic and cute as a button, bless her heart. April continues to fantasize what she really wanted to say to her client. Wimpy and his model love the dress with the lace capelet bodice. Tim tells the designers to interact and wow the masses, earn their buttons in your fishbowl. The people love Wimpy, and Ivy spreads rumors that Wimpy is telling the strangers that she’s the season bitch. Michael Douche only gets one button…from the model’s sister, it would seem. Peach is adorable. Mondo’s getting buttons. Ivy continues to spread poison.

Christopher is shaving the sides of Andy’s head to give him a Mohawk, and then Andy confronts Wimpy about Ivy’s accusations. Wimpy steadfastly denies it (and there is no footage of him doing it, at least none that aired). Andy notes that that a lot of the designers are tweaking their work based on

the audience response

their own editing eyes. Peach is in the weeds. Wimpy confronts Ivy and straight up tells her he never said a word about her and his model will swear to that. Ivy is a stone bitch and says she doesn’t believe him for a second.

Time for the runway. Michael Douche is wearing a do rag. Mondo says that Michael Douche has handled his “special challenge” with grace, by which he means that MD didn’t throw a tarp over the fat girl. April is wearing her hair down.  Mondo got the most votes from the commoners at the previous night’s event. Our special guest judge is Cynthia Rowley (coolness).

Mondo’s model is from Jersey and working the Jersey/Snookie strut. Ivy’s made ivory pants and a blouson top in yellowish chiffon. Valerie’s dress looks like bad junior wear and the fit of the top is one of the worst Ever Seen on Project Runway.™  Gretchen’s Post-Apocalyptic cocktail dress with Mad Max™ boots prompts one of her minions to coo sweet nothings. Peach’s disaster of a dress is not helped by the fact that her model has apparently never seen a single episode of America’s Next Top Model and has never learned to stomp it out on the runway with wind in her hair and smize. Andy’s overdyed shorts and vest are short, but not as short as Wimpy’s very Little Black Dress. Christopher is confident. Michael Douche has made an adult woman look like a chubby, awkward girl at her bat mitzvah. Casanova has made a sand-colored blouse from Flashdance and a pair of teal blue satin toreador/motorcycle pant.  April’s black and silver grey dess is fierce and so is her model.

Casanova, April, Ivy, Andy, Gretchen are all safe. In the green room, they all talk shit about Wimpy. Michael Douche talks about his dress. Oh! Michael Kors says bat mitzvah, too. NinaGarcia is appalled by the upholstery fabric sheer that he bought for cheap. She says it looks like cheap mosquito netting. Christopher gets a little love. Cynthia Rowley loves it. Heidi likes the short, tight and shiny. Peach is savaged and there is no way to defend her. She knows it, too. Mondo claims that his model could wear “leggins” and flats with his dress. The judges think it looks tough and cool, but the Jersey Shore lo-brow styling is killing them.

Valerie is getting the same harsh treatment as Peach. Michael Kors calls her attempted color blocking unfortunate. To say the least. Cynthia Rowley explains proportions and NinaGarcia calls out the construction on the top. Heidi didn’t hate it as much as the others. Wimpy gets serious love. Even though he made a dress short enough for Heidi, the coverage of the lace at the top give it a modest look and a great proportion. MKors loves his draping at the shoulders. Miss Rowley loves the hip pocket. They all love that he turned drab dowdiness into chic edginess/edgy chicness. NinaGarcia loves his use of so many different materials.

The judges start with Wimpy’s dress and Heidi reminds everyone that the designers on Team Luxe were so universally mean to Michael C. The judges educate the viewers as to their opinion of Michael C’s skill sets and list the many virtues of the garment that was sent out. They like Christopher’s attempt to make faux organza drape. Mondo’s modern hot dress was styled like Snookie and the Flintstones, but not vulgar. Impeccable tailoring: perfect seams, perfect hems.

Valerie’s dress was a tennis dress gone very wrong. They loathed Michael Douche’s fabric. Peach is toast. Michael Kors says that she can sew well, at any rate. Gretchen, Andy and Ivy are all “if Michael C is on the top, why are we even here?” They are horrified. Wait until they find out he won and Mondo came in second. He gets immunity again. When Wimpy enters the green room and says he’s won, Ivy stone-faces “Of COURSE you did.” Gretchen confessionalizes that she is very disappointed that the judges don’t care about craftsmanship. Casanova points out that both Gretchen and Michael are twice winners. Gretchen looks for the razor blades.

Christopher is safe. Valerie is safe. Michael Douche and Peach had the two worst looks, but Michael gets to stay and Peach goes home. Don’t cry for Peach, viewers, for she has had the time of her life.  She was just jazzed to be there. April starts to cry. Mondo cries. Peach goes out in style.

Next week, resort wear, designers acting as art directors, maybe or some other form of collaboration that they don’t want and won’t be successful making work and it looks like Gretchen and her posse try to throw Michael C under yet another bus when he has immunity.

* An astute reader pointed out that it is not Bluto who will “gladly pay you on Tuesday for a hamburger today”, but Wimpy. Therefore and henceforth, we will be referring to Michael C as Wimpy.

We begin with a recap of last week’s episode, where Michael C (Bluto: I’ll give you couture tomorrow for a burger today) won and all the prissy divas (Ivy, Gretchen, Christopher) rolled their eyes, pouted and talked trash about his skills. But that was then and this is now. A team challenge, where there will be no team leader, but a group of 6 designers, who must work together. One member of the losing team will go home. As last week’s winner, Bluto picks first. He picks Gretchen, which prompts April to ask: “Do you wanna hire Hitler? Seriously?” Which is totally wrong. Gretchen’s style is much more Stalinesque.

The next designer chosen will be the first member of the second team, it’s April and she picks Mondo. Each freshly picked designer gets to chose the next team member. Gretchen picks Christopher. The final teams consist of Michael C, Gretchen, Christopher, Andy, Ivy and AJ are “Team Luxe”, or as Miz Shoes calls them, Team Prissy Divas. The other team is the classic high school lunch table assortment of freaks and geeks: April, Mondo, Casanova, Valerie, Michael Knitwear and Peach. April assesses Team Ego Freaks as a clusterfuck of personalities waiting to clash.

Tim gives the challenge: a 6-piece collection that is on trend for Fall 2010. There is a Chinese menu of trends and color stories. Pick one from each side, bring them together and create a collection. Gretchen signs that this will be a piece of cake for Team Masters of the Egoverse. They have an hour to sketch and a cool thou to spend at Mood. It’s another one-day challenge.

Over at the Lunch Table of Losers, Michael Knitwear encourages respect and individuality and being a team. They all hold hands and sing Kumbaya. On the other side of the room, Michael C is immediately ignored by the rest of his team as Gretchen has gotten the bit between her teeth. With Christopher as her trusty gay lieutenant and Ivy as her sniveling Renfield, they decide to do menswear in a palette of camel and beige. Miz Shoes wishes to weep. Some of the fabric choices were plaids, metallics, lace and jaguar/animal prints. But what did Team Our Futures’ So Bright We Gotta Wear Shades opt for? The most predictable and overdone for menswear: camel and beige and grey. Oh, the innovation is killing Miz Shoes here.

Team Loser votes to do military, using black (not green) lace. They share their drawings, and each picks up a design element from another team member. They are each doing their own thing, but working off of each other. Clever. Democratic. They discuss every fabric concept and assign areas of Mood shopping responsibility. Clever.  Mondo is Notions Boy. Miz Shoes suspects Mondo has that particular costume already prepared and hanging in the closet at the Atlas. The RLA says it has a blue cape. And he also wears Jason the Droog’s tool corset, but in purple cracked patent leather.)

Team Gretchen & the Sniveling Minions abuse Michael C. Bluto, sweetiedarling, Miz Shoes could have told you that the short, chubby Hispanic kid would never be cool enough to sit with the popular kids in the lunch room. You would have been better served to be on Team We Are the Losers Who Lunch.

The next thirty minutes are painful. El Nino del Infierno goes on the couch, curls up in the fetal position and weeps from the Critique of Tim Gunn. His model finally is able to rescue him from his dark mood and he goes back to the workroom to rework his concept. Team Gretchen is The Shit So Say We All treats Michael C with contempt and disrespect and when they see the way they were edited for this episode, Miz Shoes hopes they are suitably ashamed of themselves and apologize to their families for appearing on national television to have been raised by wolves. They talk trash and cannot envision a future where they are not the top of the heap. Let’s just skip that whole thirty minutes and go straight to the runway.

Michael Kors, NinaGarcia and guest judge Georgina Chapman, Founder of Marchessa. First collection is Los Losers, and the show leads with Mondo’s little black lace stripes top and shorts or mini-romper with no sleeves but plenty of brass and braids. It’s kicky. Miz Shoes wishes she could find another word for Mondo’s aesthetic, but kicky is the most accurate. Peach has left her comfort zone behind, making a sleek high-waisted skirt in blue with buttons and chains across the front, and a beautiful tank top of black lace over cranberry. It has a lovely sweetheart neckline. April has made another of her patent leather, lace, visible zippers, post-apocalyptic Klingon dresses. It fits the challenge perfectly and nods back to Mondo’s look. Valerie has used white and blue, and made a sharp little cropped jacket and skirt. There are lace insets at the shoulders. Next is El Nino del Infierno’s sheer, backless top and skin-tight white pants with a brass zipper and brass buttons all down the side seams. It is easily the best look, and well-made. Huh. And we end with Michael Knitwear’s LBD.

Team We Need To Get Over Ourselves Already leads off with AJ’s sheer linen big shirt over jodhpur-style leggings. Maybe he shouldn’t have tried to French seam that puppy, because those are not well made. For the record, Miz Shoes’ has sewn French seams before and they are not as hard as little AJ tried to make it appear. Christopher has made camel pants and a drapey blouse and a floppy jacket. He is certain that the tailoring is flawless. Andy’s “Grandpa” sweater has been belted with a narrow belt. This causes it to look like it’s been buttoned wrong. There is a huge brass exposed zipper all the way down to the hem. There are lots of zippers.

Heidi calls each member of Team Freaks and Geeks by name. They are the winning team. They have a group hug. Heidi sends the popular kids back to the green room to wait and consider how this could have happened to them. They are shocked. Christopher says that not being on top is uncomfortable. As they sit and talk about the fact that the judges were clearly insane, the same judges are pouring the love on Team Even The Losers Get Lucky Sometimes and explaining why they won. Eventually, Casanova is named the challenge winner and there are more group hugs.

More evil plotting and pinky swearing to have each other’s backs by Team We Still Don’t Know How We Could Have Lost to the Uncool Kids. On the runway, Gretchen continues to wank and lecture the judges. Then she cries. All the minions cry, too. Michael Kors rolls his eyes. Gretchen lectures the judges to be “mindful” of who they send home, because she won’t name a name. Until she does. NinaGarcia lets loose and explains that every garment has a proportion problem, that this is in no way a cohesive collection, and as for the color choices? NinaGarcia has to take a breath and look to the heavens for strength before she can utter the final “ghastly”.

There are another ten minutes where Gretchen and her minions all trash Michael C and declare he was the weakest link and immunity or not, should get sent home. Despite repeated warnings that the judges didn’t care about Michael C, and to name a valid victim, none of the cool kids do, sticking together and insisting that they are the shit. The judges, the blogosphere, the viewing audience and all sentient beings in the known universe see right through that bullshit and Gretchen’s endless stream of crocodile tears, but in the end it is AJ who gets sent home for only making one garment (damn those French seams of hard work), and not even putting any of himself into the design. The final confessional of Gretchen saying that he brought it on himself by making a shitty garment should make her mother proud.

PEE ESS: Tim Gunn comes into the green room snorting fire and brimstone (albeit in a very lovely suit and without so much as a hint of anger in his calm voice) and tells Team No, Really, Get the Fuck Over Yourselves that they should be ashamed of themselves for their behavior on the runway and that Gretchen is a bully and an asshole and they are too for following the Mean Girl. Ivy has the blinders lifted from her eyes. Or so she says. We’ll see next week how this week truly plays out.