Open on the Atlas, where…Hey! Who’s sleeping with a stuffed lamb? Really, who was that? It was cute. Anthony says that after being on the bottom, winning was great, even if it sucks that he didn’t get immunity, too. Weepy McWeepersons is bummed that she was in front of the Editor of Marie Claire, and the woman hated her. Maybe it was her perky demeanor.

This week, the designers will get new models with not much experience, but they are an attractive little group. In case that is too subtle for you, that means little kids. Jesse sums up the feeling of the designers thusly: Oh, crap. We have to do something age-appropriate for little kids. But wait! What’s this? Seth Aaron is a father to a little girl? It’s yours to lose, buddy, because the rest of the pack is like Jonathon, who is afraid of the small. Amy lurves making mini clothes.

In the workroom, there are mini mannequins, and cards with the little girls measurements. They have thirty minutes to sketch, $50 at Mood and until midnight to make their outfits. Anthony laments that his forte is big women, and these little girls have no bootie and no breasts. He has no idea how to design for that. Jesse has a fantasy of little schoolgirl Madelaine in Paris. Emilio is going to make a “pretty little dress”.

At Mood, Seth Aaron scrambles to find black and white checked jersey. He’s going for a hoodie vest in his usual Hot Topics style. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Miz Shoes has found many cute little things (that may or may not be age appropriate for her) to wear at Hot Topics. Amy is not amused by pink. It is, she says, cliché. Jay thinks that today’s 8 year olds are fashion forward. He’s going for plum and navy blue. At the Apple store, we used to call the fashion forward 8 year olds prosti-tots.  Do we really need fashion-forward 8 year olds? Miz Shoes says we do not, because those are the girls who are going to end up on reality shows like “My Sweet 16” and “Bridezillas”. But I digress.

Jonathon is going to make a bolero for his little girl, but first he has to create his own fabric, and mock Michael Kors. Mil/ya is doing something new and innovative. PSYCH! No, she’s just doing another a-line dress with color blocking in a 1960’s vibe. Snore. Wake me when the decade is over. Weepy is channeling the lady bug costume her older sister wore in a school play when they were the age of the model. Seth Aaron says that his daughter is now 11, but that he knows what girls want. They want fun.

The next morning, Weepy calls home and cries. Tim comes to the workroom with some good news and some bad news. The good news is that they have another day to work. The bad news is they’re going to need it to complete the adult look they are going to make to go with what they designed for the kids. Not mummy/daughter necessarily. Winner gets immunity.

Jonathon says an adult version of his little yellow frock is easy: lower the neckline and raise the hem. Seth Aaron is in the zone. Jesse is whining, and Amy is going to take her little petal skirt and turn it into pants. Anthony chatters away until the other designers put a gag on him and take bets as to how long he can last without talking. Why did nobody think of that for the Angry Little Peanut? In the event, he lasts 14 minutes and 56 seconds.

Tim works the room, and begins with love for Jonathon’s little girl’s piece. Weepy, on the other hand, is rocking the Halloween look, and she doesn’t even know it. Finding out makes her cry. Tim isn’t so sure about Amy, either, and warns her that those pants (coral, turquoise, grey and black) are looking alarmingly like clown clothes. Seth Aaron has made a little hot pink and black purse for the little girl, and is constructing a very tailored jacket for the grown up look. He’s doing color blocking, actually, creating chevrons that mimic the hound’s tooth check on the child’s hoodie. Tim is profoundly wowed. As he should be. Amy thinks it will be close on the runway. Emilio is concerned. Weepy is weepy, and thinks she might be safe, but mostly just wants to get through the day. Chronic depression?

The morning of the show arrives and so do the models, both adults and little girls. There is the kind of chaos one would expect, and the high-strung designers and the wound up little girls are hard to tell apart. Jesse ponders whether he has created something weird ass or genius. Tonight’s guest judge is Tory Burch. Walkies!

Anthony has made something adorable. Amy’s petal pants are horrifying, and compelling in that I think my mother had that exact color palette in an outfit she bought in Capri in the summer of 1966. It was a pair of lemon yellow slubby silk toreador pants, and a boat-neck, ¾ sleeved jersey top. The top had a pattern of scallops, or clam shell shapes, very pop art: black out lines and colored insides…I seem to remember it being coral and turquoise and lemon yellow and black. Wow. Flashbacks. Where are we?

Ben has made an asymmetric, below the knee hem for the little girl. Not pretty. Seth Aaron’s little hoodie top is adorable. There are two little pink pockets on the front, out-lined in big white plastic zippers, and they look like watermelon slices.  He did some sort of appliqué on the back of the hoodie.  Jesse has made a slightly off-kilter grey high-waisted dress with red trim and a red coat for his child. The adult version is a sleek and tailored sleeveless dress with a giant black belt and a red jacket.  Jonathan has made a toilet paper dress. May/la has made yellow jackets like little rubber duckies. Mil/ya has used hot pink and lime green, white and black and done the same old schtick. Over it. Emilio has made a liitle flower girl dress that comes to her ankles and put something hot pink on the adult.  Weepy’s made a tomato dress and leggings. Jay’s pieces are sophisticated and architectural. Vertical ruffles.

Jay, Amy, Seth Aaron, Weepy, Jonathan and Jesse had the lowest and highest scores. Jesse’s big red coat and the grey dress with red piping gets praise. Seth Aaron’s little model, Sydney loves her purse. Both looks are super. Tory Burch says that this is something a little girl would want to wear.

Jay’s pieces are chic. NinaGarcia calls is urban, New York and cool. Weepy’s dress was too plain, it needed more whimsy. Heidi calls the look cheap mall, and Michael Kors delivers a “looks a little home ec”. Although Jonathan thinks that he’s given the little girl an edge, she says it’s more of an itch. In her armpit where that damned bolero is too tight. Yep: Michael Kors calls the adult look a tornado of toilet paper.

Amy. Yeah. The judges can not heap on enough scorn and derision. The little girl ran out of a burning building, wearing everything she owned. The adult pants are a circus, a train wreck. They are hideous, says Heidi, and Tory Burch does not like the colors.

Jesse is in. Seth Aaron is the winner. NinaGarcia says that he designed something a child would point at and say “I want that!” (IIt’s the watermelon pockets.) Jay is in. Jonathan is in. Amy’s color sense was nonexistent, the pants were clownish and the little kid got dressed in the dark. Weepy, though, she didn’t design, she barely sewed. Her stuff committed the mortal sin of looking cheap. Weepy gets to go home. Finally.  Next week? A trip to the hardware store.

It is no secret that I am a rock and roll junkie, and that I have a particular soft spot for guitar gods. Mike Campbell. Pete Townsend. Little Steven. Lemmy. Well, I could go on and on, and I usually do, but that’s not the point. The point is that I have a phone, an i-phone to be precise, and I love it hard. I am not in the market for a new phone, and especially not a new carrier. Why then, do I want to go out and buy this phone, every time I see this commercial? Because the only thing that could make it cooler would be if they could somehow make a Flying V version. I’m sorry. I love this ad.

In the Atlas, Jesus has left, and Anthony is trying to wake Jay up for bible study…which entails smacking him on the head with the bible, or so Anthony says. In the women’s dorm, Anna Whomever declares herself sweet but fierce, and Mil/ya is peeved that nobody was happy for her when she came in second last week. Maybe that would be because she comes off as a peevish, demanding diva.

On the runway, Heidi reminds us that as last week’s winner, Amy has immunity. Their challenge this week will be to design something “picture perfect”. Tim’s field trip takes them to the Hearst Building, where they meet Joanna Coles, the Editrix in Chief of Marie Claire. This is going to be the biggest challenge in Project Runway history with an unprecedented prize. They will be designing a dress to be worn by Heidi on the cover of the April issue of Marie Claire.

Ms. Coles gives them some guidelines: cover photos are cropped, usually from the hip or waist up. No black; it doesn’t photograph well. No patterned fabrics; it’s hard to run a headline over them. It’s the April issue, so make it spring-like and seasonally appropriate. Finally, this is Marie Claire, so make it sexy, strong and eye-catching so that the magazine flies off the racks.

Thirty minutes to sketch, $150 and thirty minutes at Mood, and a whopping one day to create. Anna Whomever is going for icy: silver,blue and charcoal. Anthony (who has apparently seen Heidi before) is going for short and tight but not slutty. Ben is doing a color story. Emilio is thinking blue. Weepy McWeepersons is grabbing everything she can in blues and greens.

In the workroom, Amy wonders why time gets harder to manage with every challenge. Jesse thinks that the cover of Marie Claire is a huge prize. Seth Aaron sings, does a little soft shoe and annoys the other designers. Ben is working with fuchsia and black. Anthony is going to do something that says Anthony in turquoise. Weepy is doing creams and pinks and decides that this is too bridal, so she second guesses herself and goes off in another direction.

Jonathan says that this means more to him than anything else in his whole career. Mil/ya crows that she her time management gets better with every challenge. Anna Whomever is making shorts, Seth Aaron is making pants, top and jacket. Mil/ya crows that she has no competition in this competition because she is the shit.

Tim’s walkabout begins with Anthony, who is sort of designing on the fly. Tim reminds him to edit. Mil/ya is doing something in a stretch wool, in a sort of lingerie nude color, and color blocking (again.) Weepy is using layering waves of ocean colors. Tim tells her not to let it look like clown clothes. Ben says that his dress is Madame Butterfly on acid, (bad acid). Tim warns him about using metallic leather for the belt. Anna Whomever is doing a juxtaposition of feminine and short shorts. Emilio is all about color. Fuschia. A cocktail dress with corseting at the neck.

Model fitting reveals that Jesse has finished the basketweave inset for the front of his dark teal/green piece. Jay has made an ivory baby doll dress with lots and lots of whicketywhack and frippery. (So not Heidi.) Anna Whomever’s shorts don’t fit. Mil/ya gets the brunt of the majority of the other designer’s trash talk. They call her fake and a one-trick pony. Mil/ya delivers an “I’m here to win, not make friends”. Anthony needs more time. McWeepersons is stressed and needs more time. Emilio should recut his dress because it’s too short, but he HAS. No. TIME.

Day of show, and Weepy and Anna Whomever are catching a clue that their time is running out. Anna thinks she maybe missed the mark on this challenge. She is in “a mode of near hysteria” but Mil/ya is still swanning around being overly confident and Weepy is no where near done. Of course. Tim comes in: FOCUS! PERFECTION! MODELS! Hair. Make up. Blow Fly accessories. We finally see May/la’s dress. It looks like her couture dress, with flaps and layers of flaps making an organic construct at the neck. Weepy’s machine is broken. Ben looks at his cobalt blue and ochre and thinks that this may be his moment. Miz Shoes does not.

Our judges this week are (still and thank the lord) NinaGarcia, Michael Kors, Heidi and the guest, Joanna Coles. Let’s walk:

Amy has made something with patterned fabric. Seth Aaron has made a fitted, fashion-forward jacket and skinny jeans in what looks like a metallic denim. It is hott, and the RLA and I decide that Heidi would wear it in a New York minute. Jesse’s done a little green slip dress and the panel of basketweave is barely visible. Anna Whomever’s shorts are short, the little vest cropped too high and worn over a shapeless blouse. Anthony’s dress is sculpted with flounces of fabric sort of cascading down off one shoulder and working into a structure at the waist and hip. Weepy’s dress is beige with a dark trim on the cut away arm holes. Mil/ya has done beige on beige on beige color blocking. Emilio’s little slip dress is nicer than Jesse’s little slip dress, with more interest at the neckline. Jay’s long, asymmetrical baby doll is also pale. Jonathan has, inexplicably, made a micro-length romper with huge bell sleeves. May/la’s organic collar is beige on grey. And then there’s Ben and his bold color blocking.

Seth Aaron is called first, followed by Jay, May/la, Jesse, Jonathan and Amy, and our hopes of him being among the top designers are dashed. That’s the middle of the pack, and they are safe and sent away.

Ben says that his piece is his impression of Madame Butterfly (for the third time, and Miz Shoes wonders if he’s ever seen the opera or if he’s just hoping nobody else has, either.) Michael Kors says that if this were on the cover of a magazine, it would just cut through the noise of the newsstand. Really? Heidi loves the back. Ms Coles calls it a contender? Again, really?

Anna Whomever says that she made her color palette just for Heidi. NinaGarcia calls her pieces shapeless. Joanna Coles says that she has used three ingredients in one dish that make one nauseous, and that furthermore, Marie Claire is a fashion magazine, not a teen magazine and that Anna Whomever has totally missed the readership.

Anthony says that he was inspired by Heidi her own self and that is why his dress is feminine and modern. Michael cheers that he has taken the one-shoulder look and made it new. Nina is enthusiastic that Anthony has embraced color. Ms Coles calls it great.

Weepy’s ocean inspired dress is dismissed as having seaweed organza hanging around the neck. Heidi does not see it as fashion-forward at all. Ms Coles sniffs that if that is the ocean, it is a polluted sea. Not to be outdone by her boss, NinaGarcia announces that it is sweet and bridal and if there is one thing that Heidi Klum Samuels is not, it is sweet.

Mil/ya’s dress is feminine but strong, she says. No, says Michael Kors, it is an Ace bandage. It is a jog bra with a v-neck. NinaGarcia flatly states that the beige/greige/bland color blocking makes a giant V pointing to the crotch.

Emilio has a strong color, and good detail at the neckline. Michael impressed with how he took soft, drapey jersey and made it structural. NinaGarcia thinks it might be a little junior-ish, and Emilio whips out his scissors and cuts the straps off, right there on the runway. Then he undoes the model’s tight little pony tail. Emilio earns huge points for that with the judges.

The designers are sent away for the real critiquing to happen. Weepy’s dress was not Heidi. Anna Whomever’s work was horrible. NinaGarcia and MK admit that the shorts seem to have been sewn well, though. Maybe. Mil/ya gets the worst of it, with her dress called the color of hospital food, and that being on the cover would cause people to walk right by the magazine rack.

There will be no immunity for our winner tonight, because the reward is So. Huge. And Anthony wins!!! Oh, happy happy joy joy. Heidi loves the dress and can’t wait to wear it. Anthony acknowledges that he has taken every bit of every critique the judges have given him to date and used it to better his designs. Ben is in, Emilio is in, Mil/ya is in. That leaves the expected bottom two: Anna Whomever and Weepy McWeepersons. True to her inability to hold the viewer’s interest, Anna Whomever gets sent home. Weepy weeps and is told to get off the runway, already.

Next week? CHILDREN!!!! This is going to be fun.

In a yellow Manhattan, Anna Whomever is not surprised that Ping is gone, and she and Weepy McWeepersons are the last roommates standing. Miz Shoes speculates that in two more episodes, that room will be empty. For now though, the Nameless One and the One Who Cries ALL the Time are bonding. Jesus is going to show he deserves to be here, gosh darn it. Jesse has to come out. That’s what my notes say. Come out swinging? Come out with something amazing? Come out with a bon mot? Whatever. Mila and Maya are recreating the mirror scene between Harpo and Groucho. Or they’re just sitting side by side working on their grim bobs and red lipstick. May/la speculates that they are competitors because they are so similar.

On the runway, Heidi says that the challenge this week will be to tell Mila and Maya apart. Then she says that the hint is that Mila has immunity and Maya doesn’t. The sewing challenge will be to design a look for a Fashion Week gala. Their models will be some inspiring women. Lisa Walker, VP of Innovation for Campbell’s Soup defines the challenge. Campbell’s Soup is a sponsor of Go Red For Women, a women’s heart health not-for-profit. The Go Red For Women Gala is a big deal and top models and celebrities walk the runway in red dresses by top designers. For a gimmick, it’s ok. The Project Runway designers have to use red, Campbell’s branded fabric or create their own version of the Campbell’s logo and make a dress to wear to this event for one of these 13 randomly sized/shaped women whose lives have been impacted by heart disease. Actually she said that the women had been impacted, and one supposes that’s true in a literal and grammatically correct way, but Miz Shoes prefers her sentence structure. The winner of the challenge will have their design sold as a limited-edition on the Project Runway web site. The winner will also get to be the model’s date at the gala.

Jennifer tells Ben that her heart stops so she has a pacemaker. Jay’s model was dead for two minutes, and he just cries and cries at the drama of it all. Seth Aaron is working with Rose, who wants something “classy and sassy”. Jesus weeps with joy to find out that his model is “tiny” and so he can make pleats. Mil/ya drones in the nasal, flat and affectless way that all the grim Edith Head clones speak, that she has immunity but that, Wow. What if she could. Win two. In a. Row. Beep. That. Would. Be. Awesome. Beep. Tisha and Anthony both fan themselves, and swear that they won’t make each other cry any more than will get them air time.

One day, $100 at Mood. There are bins of Cambell’s red fabric all over Mood, or they can use other shades of red. Emilio is going to make a short cocktail dress. Jesse is wearing Logan’s old knit cap. Janeane complains that these are real women, not models and so she can’t make a pageant dress in ten hours because the seams take longer to sew when you have to make something bigger than a doll dress. May/la is inspired by the shape of the heart, so she’s going to make another sweetheart neckline. Anna Whomever is going to trace the Campbell’s logo onto red chiffon, using a darker red marker. She claims that this is because she’s been a printmaker for the last four years. Jonathan is happy to be sewing for a real woman using Campbell’s Soup branded fabric. Amy is having a hard time with the slippery fabric she’s using. Oh, honey, Miz Shoes feels your pain. Miz Shoes has tried to sew charmeuse before.

At the model fittings, Amy still hasn’t managed to get the chiffon onto the charmeuse. Anna Whomever is going to create an empowering experience, whatever that means. Anthony says that the other designers have never sewn for real women. Weepy’s model won’t shut up about how she’s had open heart surgery, and look at her, can you believe it? Blah blah blah. Shut up and let the woman pin. And then Weepy’s dress falls in a bucket of water that just happens to be sitting under the ironing board for no apparent reason, and she has to use a blow dryer and whine about her sad sack life and luck. My notes say “non-event”. (Sort of like the entire episode, frankly.)

Tim’s walkabout: Jesse is keeping it simple because his model is “full-figured” (designer speak for built like a small refrigerator) and he’s going to give the little red dress some interest with a little white jacket. Tim says that he’d better have a knock-out jacket because without that, Jesse will have nuthin’. Mil/ya or May/la says that she’s working with ivory and red taffeta and that the model is a “tough fit” (designer speak for not built like a drinking straw). Jesse’s dress is fitted and shows some cleavage. May/la is creating a swoopy, drape-y heart shaped swag across her model’s chest. Amy still hasn’t finished her foundation. Her dress exposes her model’s surgery scars like a badge of courage. (Amy, for those of you playing Project Runway Buzzword Bingo along at home, has facial piercings.) Seth Aaron has made a draped Grecian thing. It knocks Tim’s sensible brogues off, and in a bad way. Seth Aaron! he exclaims, I would never have expected this from you. Seth Aaron is not stupid. Seth Aaron abandons the look the second Tim turns away. Weepy is still whining about not being able to make a gown in one day.

Day of show and the men are all wearing twee bow ties and faux hawks. ALL of them. Except Jesus, who is wearing a scarf. Anthony says how horrible it would be to be one of their own models, being all struck with heart disease and shit, and now you gotta come out and have Michael Kors, NinaGarcia and Heidi Klum tell you that your designer has also made you look awful, too. Someone in the workroom says that things are looking more cooter than couture. At least, that’s what my notes say. Anna Whomever is rushed. Mil/ya and her model are thrilled with their gown, a red shiny thing with a giant white star inset around the hip, and other stars else where. Emilio snarks that it looks like a cheap flag, and Miz Shoes says that isn’t far from the mark. More catty talk behind each other’s backs. Running around, irons hissing, designers spitting steam. Finally, it’s time for the show.

Tonight’s judges are NinaGarcia, Michael Kors and Georgina Chapman, one of the founders of Marchessa, and so a legitimate judge who might actually say something meaningful.

Jonathan has made something in a deep tomato-soup red, not the kitchy red of the soup can itself. It has tiers, and reminds me of the Monique Lhuillier that Drew Barrymore wore to the SAGS, but with a couple more tiers. Emilio has done a strapless mini. May/la’s dress has that swag/swoop/heart shaped thing and it looks from the couch to be a wee bit Wonder Womany and a wee bit window treatment at the Hollywood Western Musical Saloon. Amy’s chiffon has finally been sewn onto the foundation, and it is a very pretty goddess gown. Jesus has made something very short and very tight and it has rhinestone straps. It is every bit as horrifying as it sounds. Anna Whomever’s short version of a goddess gown is NOT flattering. Someone has sent out a sweetheart neckline and a train. Jesse’s little red dress is covered by a great little white jacket. There is something about the way this guy uses color and cut so that what looks like a trim or an accent is revealed to be a full under layer with interesting details. He can be a pill, and not in the endearing way that Christian was, but there’s something there. Ben has done something using gold, and it looks a little Wonder Woman around the bodice, too. Mil/ya’s giant stars elicits an all caps and underlined “GACK” in the handwritten notes. Janeane made an asymmetrical bubble hem. We’ve never seen that before, and hope never to again. She’s made a silk flower out of the branded fabric. Seth Aaron has put a black skirt on that draped bodice and his model works it. It may be a bit short.

Mil/ya and May/la, Anna Whomever, Amy, Jesse and Jesus are the top and bottom designers. Mil/ya says that in researching the Campbell’s dossier, she gravitated to the star icon. Georgina, inexplicably, says that it made her smile, that it was fun and classic. This woman started Marchessa? NinaGarcia says that it is a brilliant incorporation of the star. Really? Has NinaGarcia started smoking crack again? Jesse says that he tried to make something that worked with his model’s body. Michael Kors says, really? because it looks like a majorette costume to him. NinaGarcia says that the neckline is beautiful and that better fabric would have helped. Georgina snarks about white at the waist, but she loved May/la’s clown suit, so what does she know.

Michael Kors tells Jesus that he has hit the Project Runway Trifecta: he’s made something short, shiny and tight. And he has committed an additional sin by adding on rhinestones. Heidi says that Jesus may be able to sew, but that his taste level is questionable. (Anybody have BINGO, yet?) Amy says that her model wanted strapless to show off her scar. NinaGarcia tells her that the fabric is perfect. Georgina says that it moved beautifully. So the woman is two for three. Michael Kors says it’s elegant and modern. Anna Whomever has used ivory to create a not-a-very-good illusion racer back and neckline. Mother of the Bride on Ice? And it’s short. MK says it is not flattering. Georgina points out the obvious and says it isn’t an evening dress. May/la has draped well and made something that flattered her model’s body, but the judges feel a little guilty liking it. (Miz Shoes thinks that could be because of the previously mentioned resemblance to the drapes at the bordello frequented by Adam and Hoss and when Ben Cartwright finds out that the two older boys took Little Joe, too, consequences must be paid.)

The designers leave the runway and the judges say what they really think: Jesse’s outfit was great from the waist up, taste is something you just can’t learn, JESUS. Anna Whomever tied a belt around a bag and missed the point of the challenge. (That’ll be on next week’s downloadable Bingo cards.) Mil/ya gets high praise for reasons that totally escape Miz Shoes and always will. Except, if she had to write a paper about it for an art history class. Then, there would have been a certain whimsy in Mil/ya creating another 1960’s pop art reference, when the patron saint of all things 1960’s pop art is Andy Warhol’s CAMPBELL’S SOUP CANS!!!!! Oh, the cool, hipster irony of Our Grim Miss Brooks kills us, rilly. Hand me my black turtleneck.

Amy handled the fabric well. Wait. Didn’t we see her struggle? Maybe she used tissue paper between the layers of fabric and between the fabric, the presser foot and the feed dogs. That’s the method we use here at Tante Leah’s Handmades. Liking May/la’s work made the judges question their own taste levels. So… May/la is in. Amy is the winner. Good for Amy. It is a pretty (and easily reproduceable for sale on the Project Runway website, remember) little gown. Mil/ya is in. Jesse is in. Anna Whomever made serious misjudgments and created something unflattering. Jesus had lousy taste. Jesus is history. Man, we’re going to miss the Jesus wept/slept jokes around here. Jesus is shocked to have been eliminated, proving that he was also your “clueless about his own ability” character.

Next week someone says that the designers have used three ingredients that leave you feeling nauseous. Can’t wait for that.

So much for my weekend. I had planned to launch MildBurningSymptoms (finally), since the RLA had photographed a ton of vintage clothes. Instead, I woke up Sunday with a cold. This on top of a long week of intestinal issues. I tested negative for H-Pilori, which means not an ulcer, but a prescription for something that’s stronger than OTC Prilosec. Still on the BRAT diet. Bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. If it has no taste or color, I’m allowed to eat it. I went back to bed. Today, I finally got to see the dermatologist to have a biopsy on the tiny white bumps under my eyes that the facialist refuses to touch. While she was poking my face with anesthetics, she removed the thing on my lip that’s been living there for years, since it appeared after I bit my lip one day. Crusty eye, crusty lip, I came back home and went back to bed.

In a yellow Manhattan, Jesus weeps. OK, so not so much weeping as whining about being on the bottom again. Jesus speaks of himself in the third person. Jesse is from Orlando and is wearing a twee hat. Ping is a flake, forgetting one contact lens and her shoes. On the runway, Heidi asks the designers if they would like to meet iconic fashion designers from all times. Of course they say yes, and end up at the Metropolitan Museum in the recently refurbished Charles Englehard Court, which is filled with mannequins wearing some seriously fierce shit from the fashion collection. Is that pink cocoon coat a Poiret? Who knows, because we spend no time on them. The designers will be given an unprecedented $500, 45 minutes at Mood and two days to make their own iconic design statement. And they have to work in teams. Whoa. Bummer.

Jay, as last week’s winner, is a team leader and gets the first pick of the pack. He takes Maya. That’s the youthful but grim, black-bobbed Edith Head clone. Jesus chooses Amy, and Anthony (who has taken to wearing a twee little bow tie) grabs up Seth Aaron (Sad wanna-be rocker). Weepy McWeepersons aka Janeane opts to partner with Ben from Tampa. (Florida represent!) Mila nabs Jonathan for his construction skills. Ping ends up as a leader and picks Jesse, who is inconsolable at the horror of working with her. Emilio ends up with Anna Whoever. The designers wander around going ooh and aaaah. Yves St. Laurent! Seth Aaron gets within a micron of a Dior and bursts into tears. That’s it for Miz Shoes. She now loves Seth Aaron, sad wanna be rocker boy persona, chipped black nail polish and possibly dyed black hair and all. Madame Grès. Balenciaga.

In the Parson’s workroom, the team dynamics shape up quickly. Maya is certain that Jay is going to do basically nothing because he has immunity, which means that she’s going to have to push her ideas on him and try to be the leader. Jesse is pissy bitch who is certain that Ping is too much of a skill-less whack job who lacks focus to be the team leader. Anna Whoever is intimidated by the masterful Emilio. Jonathan assesses his team thusly: Mila is going to swan around having a vision (a fashion-forward nod to 60’s mod) and he’s going to have to be the little seamstress. Ping is unhappy with Jesse trying to constantly rein in the crazy. Jesse is unhappy that Ping is his partner/leader. They both express their unhappiness at five minute intervals for the rest of the show, both in the confessional and in the workroom. At the other end of the spectrum, Anthony and Seth Aaron are having a love fest. It’s sweet: emo rocker wanna be and Madea’s baby sister. Anthony says they’re making a black, yellow and red gown…for the VP of McDonald’s. Because everyone needs a ball gown, don’t they? Jesse is piecing together grey lace and moaning about time constraints.

Day Two

Time for Tim to come in with the 11th hour twist! Now the teams have to do a second look: a low-end knock off of one of the other team’s iconic looks. Out comes the button bag and the picks go so fast Miz Shoes can’t keep track. $50 and 20 minutes for one person at Mood, then sewing till the end of day. Needless to say, Jesse hates the fabric that Ping brings back. Maya accuses Jay of slacking off. Ben and Weepy McWeepersons are collaborating well. Jonathan is a little stressed, because Mila is making a coat, and he’s doing everything else. Seth Aaron and Anthony have a little lover’s spat, while Ping and Jesse continue to loathe each other and the other designers just want them to Shut The Fuck Up already.

Now Tim comes in for his walkabout:  Jay and Maya have time issues. Ping has cheap looking fabric that she says cost a lot of money and Jesse smugly adds that he TOLD her it sucked. TIm likes Seth Aaron and Anthony’s piece and can easily identify it as the look re-imagined on the cheap by Jonathan (and Mila). Jesse wears a twee hat, and bitches about Ping.

Day of Show

Jonathan is feeling the pain: he’s done 2/3s of the signature look and the inexpensive knock off. Mila has done the coat. Over in the girl’s dorm, two of the nameless faces are dressed in black and one of them says that they’re dressed for a funeral: the death of their hopes and dreams. Perfunctory trash talking: Emilio likes Anthony and Seth Aaron’s concept but not their execution. Jonathan and Mila discuss their division of labor and the likelihood of throwing each other under the bus (about 100% on either side). Ben’s concerned about Jesse and Ping, Ping loves her work and Jesse is merely shooting for safe. Then he sulks that it sucks to shoot so low.

The judges are Heidi, NinaGarcia, Michael Kors and some dude named Matthew Williamson who’s an acclaimed British designer of whom Miz Shoes has never heard. Let the runway commence. Anthony/Seth Aaron have done a big gown with a yellow bodice covered with black tulle. Emilio and Anna Whoever have done something short with a bolero. Mila’s vision is a pair of high waisted skinny black pants and a shiny tank under a cocoon/kimono jacket in black with big white inset circles that go through the sleeves and into the body. It is admittedly very true to her 60’s Mod, but the high waisted track pants and shiny tank deserve a Michael Kor’s disco put down. Janeane’s dress is short and black and boring and has a bolero. Miz Shoes detects a theme. Jay’s dress is glamorous, with ruffles that cascade down the front and back. Jesse has created a gorgeous bodice onto which Ping has attached her usual yardage…with big honking buttons over the ass, and the model has got it draped up around her shoulders like a steel grey Statue of Liberty.

Then the knock-off looks come out and except for Jonathan’s yellow and black baby doll dress, complete with black tulle caterpillar on the bodice which is clearly based on Seth Aaron and Anthony, they all look alike. Black sheaths with boleros. Or just dark grey sheaths. Janeane, Ben, Jesus, Amy, Emilio and Anna Whoever are safe. Ping and Anthony are the bottom two, Mila and Jay the tops.

Michael Kors leads off by loading the love onto Mila’s coat. Heidi would wear it. NinaGarcia would photograph it. As for the knock-off? Juniors! Genius, except for the baby doll silhouette, proving that one day you’re in and the next you’re out, since it wasn’t that long ago that every other winning dress on the PR runway was a cooed-over baby doll. Jay and Amy’s couture look is deemed collectible. NinaGarcia loves the bare side. Their little $47 knock off blows away the $500 original it was based on. Must have been one of the black sheaths. On the runway, Ping, Jesse and even the model whip out the long knives on each other. Jesse says he had to teach Ping to sew at the same time he was doing all the work. Ping says that Jesse was a total pain. The model(!) says that Ping didn’t even take the time to fit the potato sack she’s wearing. Oh, come on, that dress totally looked like last week’s before materials.

Anthony and Seth Aaron earn Michael Kors’ “southern cotillion from hell” and a Gone With the Wind reference. Their look for less is an acetate cocktail number from the cheap floor. NinaGarcia asks Seth Aaron why he didn’t step in to rescue this mess and he mans up and says that Anthony was the team leader and a good one, and that it was a 50/50 collaboration, and that he stands by their work. That’s it, Miz Shoes is officially on Team Seth Aaron.

The judges toss around the words edgy, chic, costumey and ill-fitting before Heidi announces that Jonathan is in and Mila is the winner. (Really? Meh.) Maya and Jay are in. Seth Aaron is in. Jesse is in. Anthony and his little bow tie are safe, and Ping is sent home to be a physical therapist and make togas for her Barbies out of scarves.