Ming is still not eating, not drinking, not using his litter box. I have canceled my trip to Ratville. He’s just a little cat, and he’s getting thinner and littler by the minute. As much as it sucks, it is the ticket that we punch when we take this ride: allowing something to live with us and rely on us. He gives me unqualified love, and I protect him and send him on his way to the sunny meadow where the mice are fat and slow. Maybe this isn’t his time, but I’m not out-sourcing his guardianship while we find out.

Ming the Merciless is home today, having undergone an exploratory surgery Saturday. Where the vet found absolutely no reason for Ming to have stopped pooping. That’s both the good and bad news. No thread wad, no tumor, no adhesions from previous surgery. Just an immobile intestine, which the vet massaged, saying that often that will jump start the peristalsis. Anyway, Ming is home and the dogs are respecting his space. He’s drooling, which is both unattractive and suspicious, but again, the vet assures me this means nothing. Ming has used his litter box to pee, but we await the tootsie rolls of feline health.

I have delayed my trip to Mouseville another day. I have updated my etsy shop, where you can now find a lot of vintage knitting books, and a scarf and a shawl that were hand knit by yours truly.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the pool deck to watch Ming and knit a purse, not necessarily in that order.

Heather Mail!!!! And we miss her already. Binaca, however, only misses that there is no Heather to emotionally abuse any more. In her usual charming way, Binaca interviews that since Heather was always in her own world anyway, there’s really no difference with her gone. Have I mentioned that I loathe that beeyotch, Binaca? I have? Good. It deserves repetition. Jenah interviews that she just can’t see herself going home. Chantallobotomy can see Jenah going home, and she described the vision to the viewing audience: Jenah is just falling apart. However, and there is alway a however with the lovely yet clueless Chantallobotomy, she, Chantallobotomy is not falling apart. She is getting stronger, and more beautiful, and closer to that which is her destiny: being America’s Next Top Model. She was born to win this, even though the show wasn’t even a twinkle in Miss Tyty’s eye when C. was born. Binaca comes back in to say “Shut the fug UP, Chantallobotomy.” Binaca says that Chantallobotomy is always so cheerful and perky and happy and that just twists Binaca’s knickers into a very big and annoyed knot.

After that recap, we head out with the girls to a park somewhere in Beijing. In come a couple of pallaquins, holding Twiggy and Miss Jay. The girls are going to get a culture lesson about the four greatest, legendary beauties of China. There is the girl who made the flowers bow their heads, the girl who made the moon disappear and the girl who caused something else to happen and yet another one, ditto. Binaca pays less attention to this than I did, and makes eye-rolling what evs, and says yeah, yeah, yeah four girls/four beauties I get it, next. Kulchur ain’t her thang, it seems. So having paid little to no attention to the lesson, the girls go to their new home and find Tyra Mail and four boxes. In each box is one of the costumes from the four beauties. The challenge will be to update/modernize/accessorize these dresses and make them their own. To this end, the girls are sent off to a ginormous shopping mall and given a couple of hundred dollars. They have one hour to shop and chop and then they will have to walk a runway to show off the look.

Off they go. Binaca tells Jenah (in the previews I thought it was Salacious D) that across the street at the other side of the mall is some really hot stuff. There is only 35 minutes left, Binaca has already scoped out the other side and there is absolutely nothing nada nil over there. She says that fucking with Jenah and seeing her head off on a wild goose chase really made her feel better. Charming girl, that Binaca. Curious isn’t it that even before we knew how stank she is the name I gave her was one of an anti-stank breath spray? Stank just oozes on a subliminal level, I guess.

The guest judge for their impromptu runway is Ann Shoket from 17. Salacious D is first and she has accessorized well, and her walk is fierce. Chantallobotomy is smooth and natural. Binaca had a cute idea to hoist her skirt up with fleurchons and show off her great gams, but the overall look was a leetle too hip hop. Jenah has shortened her dress to a modern cocktail dress and unbuttons her overcoat as she comes down the runway, doing something (GASP! SHOCK!!!) that actually looks like a real model on a real runway. She is the clear winner. She is going to get a custom made traditional Chinese gown and she can include a friend in the prize. She chooses Chantallobotomy (SHOCK!!! GASP!) on account of she isn’t a backstabbing ho. She also gets private runway lessons from Miss Jay. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the prizes this year are better than in past years, even if there isn’t a $40,000 diamond bracelet in the mix. The lessons seem to do her some good.

And back we go to the gilded hamster cage for Tyra Mail.

Binaca gets more screen time as she interviews that old Chantallobotomy and Salacious D think that they are going to be in the top two, but they don’t realize that she, Binaca the Stank Ho from Queens has come here to win, and she ain’t leavin’ till she does. Ohhhh, hubris where is thy sting? Cut to Jaslene gargling something or another about her life as a Cover Girl and this is the Latina Magazine cover…. Which was in my dentist’s office in June… Still, it was a cover of something other than 17. I guess. There was some talking but, you know, it came out of Jaslene’s mouf, so it could have been Russian for all I could understand it. Speaking of Russian, what ever happened to Natasha? I miss her. She was sweet and cute and made cat noises in the cell phone for her husband. Anyway, the next shoot will be at the Great Wall of China. They will be Mongols trying to invade. They must have strong faces. Tyra will be the photographer. Salacious D says that she’s going to be Xena, Warrior Princess. Jenah says she misses her family and she’s going to cry. Chantallobotomy, predictably, loves the challenge, loves the enormous, gigantic sideways hair bun, the clothes and the model lifestyle of jet-setting around to cool places. Binaca, predictably, says the other girls can eat the corn from her shit and that she doesn’t care or think about anything but her own self.

Jenah is first and Tyra asks her what’s on the other side of the wall for her. Jenah says that Jenah is. That she’s losing her sense of self. She is wearing the same sideways bread loaf bun that Chantallobotomy is wearing. I’m just going to throw this out here: In the disappearing girls photo, Jenah and Chantallobotomy are standing next to each other. They are wearing the same color wraps. They were given the same make overs. They are being given the same hair and make up here. Do we think that there are going to be two winners this year? Did the show get such mileage out of the twins that they made a set? I’m just asking.

Binaca comes out and sucks. Tyra and the Little Orange Man say that the first 40 shots were “painful” but that the last 20 were good. Ish. Salacious D rocks the house, jumping and posing and looking edgy and fierce. This is her best shoot evah, and she even used the environment…whatever that means. Then, Tyra gets all four models together and does a group shot. Salacious D says that she kept telling herself that she had to stand out. Binaca says that Salacious kept sticking that damned bun in her face and blocking her from view. The world out in teevee land says, Thank you Salacious D. But alas, this absence of stank doesn’t last, because we are back at the house and there is Binaca, psyching everyone else about how scared are you guys about going home because I’m not scared at all. Chantallobotomy isn’t scare either, because she is sure that this is her birthright. Her destiny. God’s will. Binaca, having lost Heather, now starts up on Chantallobotomy and Salacious D. She has this to say about Miss Salecia: She has a lot of experience, so for her to not be outstanding really sucks for her. Jenah just says, tearfully, that she is not going home.

And, panel. There are Jenah and Chantallobotomy in their matching custom Chinese robes. Except (is this a hint?) Jenah’s blue dress has a magnificent stand up collar, sort of like the evil queen in Snow White. Ann Shoket is the guest judge. Jenah is first, as she was the challenge winner. Tyra says that even though Jenah did a good shoot, she (Tyra) couldn’t remember a thing about it when it was over. Except that Jenah looked like the costume was wearing her. Not good. Jenah cries and talks about missing her family and wanting to be a role model for her two baby sisters. And for baby sisters every where. Sniff, sniff. Girl, you don’t cry at panel, you are supposed to cry in your one on one with Tyra before the fashion show, and then tell her how she has changed your life. Do you girls not watch this show?

Miss Jay says that Binaca was as stiff as the wall, and almost scary. The main thing that Tyra took away from working with Binaca was that she is so NOT a natural model. Chantallobotomy was perfect, and she was the only one who really understood the concept. My head just exploded when I typed that. Ann tells her that she’s (Chantallobotomy) is so pretty and happy. Binaca seethes in the background, and you can almost see her head explode. Salacious D was great with a capital G and she jumped around. And she looked at the camera.

In the group shot, each of the four judges found a different girl to be the standout. Tyra likes Binaca and says she looks sort of like a boy. Do you think it might be the shaved head? Twiggy likes Jenah, and Nigel says something really pervy about why couldn’t you look at ME like that about one of the two blondes. Time to discuss who’s getting the boot back to the US of A. Nigel says that Jenah’s little speech sounded like her swan song, like she’d already lost in her head. Twiggy says that Binaca is the least natural model she’s ever seen. Chantallobotomy has begun channeling her inner diva, but Miss Jay says (and redeems himself with me despite that dopey Afro he’s been sporting) that she looks like a boat show model. You know, the girl who stands around and points to the Evinrudes. Salacious D has finally found the high fashion model inside her.

And the winner this week is Chantallobotomy who gets two pictures: the group shot and the single. Salacious D is second. Jenah and Binaca are the bottom two. Jenah was strong from the start, but is starting to weaken. You didn’t sound like a winner when you talked to us today. Binaca, this has been a long journey for a girl from Queens, but we feel that the only way you can do a fashion shoot is with constant coaching. You still have your training wheels on. You can’t do it on your own. So go the fuck back to Queens, you stank ho. Jenah, we’re giving you another chance.

And so it is the two dim blondes and Salacious D. I think it’s too early for another Battle of the Blondes (Carideemented and Melrose who wuz robbed). Unless they are going to give us a twin win, it’s Salacious D in the cat bird seat next week.

Over at the NEW GOTHAM apartments, Kit Pistol and Sweet P are talking. They were sad to see Carmen leave, but well, screw it, more closet space and Sweet P says, you know? better her than me, so wtf. In the boys’ room they are talking about what a Project Runway perfume would smell like: fear and Chinese food. Nice, I can’t wait to see that on the market. We head back to Parson’s and right in to a model selection. Jack can choose to stay with his girl or take someone else’s. So he does. He takes Ricky’s model. This means that Ricky now has Jack’s former model. Ricky manages not to cry. Heidi tells the designers to head to the workroom where they will find Tim and some old friends. True to reality shows everywhere, the designers immediately hit upon the totally wrong solution to the puzzle. OLD LADIES!!! We’re going to design for geriatrics! Whee! Actually, no. They find Tim and NinaGarcia and a bunch of photos from old Elle Magazines that display some of the most egregiously ugly fashion trends of the past. One of them is overalls. Jillian is wearing overalls and there is a moment of sweet embarrassment for all concerned.

Tim tells the designers to choose an ugly trend, and out comes the button bag to determine order. Jack as last week’s winner goes first. He chooses Brittney Spears on cracked out pleather. The rest of it goes like this: Victorya/underwear as outerwear; Christian/a Zoot Suit (playing to his strengths as a Vivienne Westwood drone); Rami/Poodle skirts; Kit/fringe; Elisa/cut outs; Jillian/overalls; Ricky/neon; Kevin/70’s elephant bell bottoms; Chris/Joan Crawford shoulder pads (oh, come on, could you please be a little less of a drag queen cliche Chris?); Squinty/dance wear as day wear; and Sweet P wonders if her button is glued to the bottom of the bag, that she’s always last as she takes the baggy, oversized sweater.

The challenge will be to update the look. The twist is that the designers have one minute to organize themselves into teams of three, and the three bad trends must be combined into a collection. They will show together, and they must use all three trends in all three looks or figure out some other way to make the three pieces into a cohesive collection. They must choose a team leader. They have $250 to spend and two days to work. Your minute starts now. When the dust settles, the teams are: Kit, Christian and Jack (fringe/zoot suit/pleather); Rami, Kevin and Jillian (poodle skirts/bell bottoms/overalls); Ricky, Victorya and Elisa (neon/underwear as outerwear/cut outs}; Squinty, Sweet P and Chris (dance wear/baggy sweaters/shoulder pads). I have bolded the team leaders.

Christian names his team “Team Star” because they are all FABULOUS!? There is the usual scrambling at Mood, with team leaders making bad choices and worrying about time and money. Ricky chooses duchesse satin for his team. Chris picks some horrible beige knit. Jillian’s team is into denim and Liberty of Londen tiny floral prints (also with a beige base). Christian’s team is working the black and white pattern on pattern to death.

In the work room, Sweet P is going for a sack dress to update the baggy sweater. Chris is doing some little bolero/shrug with what looks like black and brown upholstery cloth all the while telling SquintySteven that “Girl, this jacket is going to be fabulous!” I hereby request a moratorium on the word “Fabulous”. Ricky interviews that he isn’t concerned about working with Elisa because he used to be a dancer, and so he has lots of experience in talking to people who sound like they just smoked an ounce of sensimilla. You just have to speak to them in a language that they can understand, he says, and promptly does, talking about centering to Elisa and showing her how to mark her fabric with a pin as opposed to spit. She has a Helen Keller “water” moment, and it is a beautiful thing.

Over in Jillian’s corner, Rami is doing a denim dress, Kevin is making bell-bottom, high-waisted hot pants (Hey! I think I had those in the 70s!) and Jillian is being a nag about fitting the muslin to the mannequin and time management and whispering shit to Rami about Kevin. Don’t you miss high school sometimes? I know I don’t. SquintySteven does a Tim impression that lacks the spot-on tonality of Santino, but has better text: “Designers?” he says “I’m here to tell you that you are all screwed.” I howl. I love SquintySteven. He’s Miss Personality this season, at least for me, and it isn’t some toxic, evil thing like The Pencil-Necked Shmoo or Satan-ino.

Victorya is up and interviewing that her team decided to put all three looks into each piece. And she is micro-managing Ricky, her team leader, in a passive aggressive manner that we all can agree is inappropriate and annoying. Tim comes in to give the designers 30 minutes with their models. When she sees her design on her model, Victorya hates it, decides to completely redesign and redo, and dissed Ricky all at the same time. She neglects to tell him her choice to redo, and since he’s the team leader and will have to take the hit if everything goes wrong, this is rude and bad form. Jillian doesn’t think Kevin is working fast enough. She doesn’t say anything to him though, she whispers away in Rami’s ear. Since this requires her to lean up against those yummy arms of his, who can really blame her, except me, who thinks that if you have a problem with someone on your team the most efficient way to manage it is to speak to the team member in question. Rami inviews that Jillian should have been pushing Kevin harder. Maybe you should have said that to her instead of the camera and instead of nodding your head and continuing to whisper in the corner with her. What do I know?

Over at Team Jillian, the look is coming together nicely. It all looks like something Jillian herself would wear. Is this a good thing? Discuss amongst yourselves.

At Team Ricky, nothing looks finished or refined. Victorya is telling Tim that she’s decided to change the sillouhette. Tim asks her why she’s making these decisions when Ricky is the leader. So then there is a scene where Ricky and Victorya are talking, and Victorya is saying that she ‘s glad that Ricky’s the team leader, she just thinks that he sucks at it. Nice. They continue to bicker over his leadership skills.

And it’s Runway Day.  Ricky and Elisa are finished, but Victorya went ahead and changed her design (see above) and is now doing final fittings on the bodice. It’s flat. Ricky steps in and with his expertise in lingerie, adjusts the whole thing. The model says it feels better. Everyone in the room can see it fits and looks better. Victorya says that she likes it flat, despite all opinion and evidence to the contrary. Then she sulks about it for a while and until she finally admits that Ricky helped. Kevin is still working on his bell bottom hot pants and saying that he has to pull a magic rabbit out of his

hat. With two hours for hair and make up, we see SquintySteve worrying about Chris’ bolera jacket, which, it must be said “Girl? Is not so fabulous.”

Cut to Christian being a queen about his collection. I L-U-V it so mush. I L-U-V our collection. In all honesty, he says, Ricky’s is awful and Chris’ not much better. He may have a point, but that doesn’t mean I have to like hearing it from him. And cut to the runway where the guest judge is (without any ado or fanfare) Donna Karan.

Team Jillian goes first and they have put all three bad things into each piece. All three are made with the same denim/Liberty combination. The Liberty print is used as binding/finishing on the denim ho-down dress that is Rami’s interpretation of a poodle skirt. The high-waisted bell bottom hot pants are coupled with a shirt that looks like Daniel V’s blouse from his taken-from-nature challenge. (Remember the weird, poufy collar?) And Jillian’s overalls are adorable. High waisted, bell bottomed and with a sort of v-collared bib. In my youth, I either had them or would have worn them. If they were age appropriate, I’d still wear them.

Team Chris has chosen to unite the collection with their fabric choice. There is a wonderful sack dress from Sweet P, an Asian-inspired tunic over leggings from SquintySteve and a long dress with the awful bolero from Chris. Not so much a collection as three things in the same fabric coming down the runway at the same time. Meh.

Team Star (Christian) is a forgettable melange of black and white and stripes and nothing.

Team Ricky is a mini-ballerina tutu with a very nice boned bodice from Victorya, a hot mess from Ricky and a simple black sheath dress with neon splashes looking like cut outs from Elisa. Worse than meh.

The judges don’t even waste time on toying with the designers. The clear winner is Jillian’s team, since they had a vision, cohesion and well made garments. Done and done. The only thing left to do is to savage the crap from the rest of the designers. Christian escapes with his team. While there was no there there, there was also nothing to make Donna Karan or Michael Kors lose their lunches. Unlike, say, the designs of Team Chris and Team Ricky. With Team Chris, the pieces were seen as sort of OK, but not from the same show. There was a clear discrepancy of visions. The dance wear wasn’t fluid enough, the shoulder pads not modern enough, and hello? A bolero/shrug should be tight? Donna loved Sweet P’s dress, as well she should, because it looked like it came from one of her own collections; drab beige and black and knit and slouchy.

As for poor Team Ricky, NinaGarcia thought the concept was good, but badly sewn. Victorya actually stepped up and gave the credit for her fit and design to Ricky. Elisa jumped in to Ricky’s defense as well, saying that if his garment was poorly made, it was because as the leader, he had spent so much time helping and guiding her. But then it is the “Who goes home” question and Victorya gladly pushes Ricky under the bus. Elisa offers to sacrifice herself (of course) because that’s just the way she is. And Ricky glares at Victorya and opines that the workroom would be a better place without her passive/aggressive behaviors. Over on Team Chris, Steve says that Chris should go because he was the leader, Chris says he should go because he was the leader and Sweet P tries to take a pass. When pressed, she sort of squeaks out that Steve should go, but I forget why. Because he turned on Chris? Because his garment was weak? Because he squints?

The judges don’t like Victorya’s attitude (neither does Miz Shoes). They say that Chris failed as a leader by not making the collection cohesive, while Ricky failed by making bad choices and making decisions that made the challenge more difficult (Hel-lo? Duchesse satin? Are you mad?). Michael tosses out the Mother of the Bride insult for the millionth time and we hear the judges verdict: In are Sweet P, Elisa, Steve, Victorya (boo) and Ricky (who manages not to cry, which brings the total to two shows with and two without, weeping). Which means that Chris is out. Well, we’ll always have the salad dress.

He’s not a stray, he’s Ming the Merciless and he’s 14 years old. He is my beloved little Siamese and three days ago he stopped eating. He’s throwing up. He’s lost weight. He hasn’t pooped in two days. I’m waiting for the vet to call and tell me why. They wouldn’t let me stay with him, I had to drop the little fuzzball off. I’m crazy with apprehension. I just know that despite my watchful eye and care to close the door to my sewing room/studio, that Ming has gotten in there and eaten thread. I just know that he has an intestinal blockage and will require surgery, if that can even save him. I’m fretful and stressed and waiting for the phone to ring.

Think good thoughts, and help me get my shtinky puddin home safe and healthy.

UPDATE: Yes, it’s an intestinal blockage. No, he isn’t in mortal danger. We’re bringing him home overnight and he’ll go back in the morning, and most likely have surgery. Thank you for the good thoughts.

DEC. 9 UPDATE: He had surgery yesterday. The good news is that there wasn’t a tumor, scar tissue or a lump of thread. The bad news is that there was no reason for him to have had that blockage. The good news is I have the best vet in the world. The bad news is that he doesn’t know why Ming got sick, or if this will have gotten his intestines moving again. They just stopped. Lack of motility. The thing that has scarred me forever is that prior to the surgery, they gave Ming an enema. Now all of you cat lovers out there know how nigh onto impossible it is to give a cat a pill. The very thought of going in through the other end of the cat has me hiding under the bed in terror. One friend suggested that perhaps they knock the cat out first, but I don’t know if even that would help. Four paws full of claws, even clipped ones and an angry head full of teeth at the other end? I just can’t imagine the process, and every time I try to think about it, my mind skitters away like a droplet of water on a hot frying pan.

Oh, you people think that the only thing I do is watch Project Runway and ANTM, don’t you? Because I have been so very, terribly lax about posting these past couple of months. But you are wrong, wrong, wrong. I do so much more than that. For instance, I surf the internet aimlessly, I knit and ravel (un-knit) and I cook. Some of these things make for a nice synergy along the way.

Take for example, the aimless surfing and the food. When I was but a little shoe, my parents bought me a subscription to the Time/Life Foods of the World series for my birthday present. They were a wonderful introduction to the techniques and flavors of world cuisine. They were full of pictures and narrative and I still have every one of them, albeit a bit sticky, dog-eared and in some cases, a little water damaged. In one of the volumes about America, there was a two page photo spread on apples. I don’t remember what the title was in 1969, but today it would be heirloom apples. They may have been described as antique or lost varieties, or maybe just regional, but there was one apple in that spread that captured my imagination: the Sheepnose apple. It was longer, and somewhat more conical than a Red Delicious. It resembled, in fact, the nose of a sheep. Living in South Florida, there was no option of going around from orchard to orchard until I found one. Even today, with heirloom foods a major foodie trend, and boutique green grocers popping up, I have never seen a Sheepnose. BUT! In my aimless wanderings around the interwebs a couple of weeks ago, I Googled “Sheepnose apple” looking for pictures. Instead, I found Apple Source, a little, family-run business that sells varietal apples and ships them anywhere in the US. The lovely lady owner convinced me that I really didn’t want to eat a Sheepnose, because they are a fruit which is better in theory than in practice. She allowed as how one could find a really great Sheepnose, but only rarely, and then they don’t keep or travel so the only way to really and truly enjoy one would be to find an orchard having a good season, pick it and eat it right there. Sigh. But I did order a box of mixed heirlooms and the RLA and I have been doling them out like treasured jewels. And I ordered a box for the GirlCousin. And another for the David Lee Roth clone that is my brother-in-law. And now that the season has gone on and the varieties are changing, I may order another box for me.

Real apples. The smell alone is enough to make one swoon. The variety of tastes, and textures and colors is mind blowing. They are tart and sweet and tangy. The skins are rough (russets) or smooth. They are green with a rose colored blush, dark red, pale cardinal, yellow and green. Some of them are crunchy and others more mealy. None of them have been anything less than delicious. The RLA, who grew up in

Rochester, New York tells me that this has unleashed memories by the bushel. So go visit Jill and order yourself some apples. You’ll thank me.

The raveling and interwebs have intersected here at Ravelry.com. Ravel and unravel, like flammable and inflammable would seem to be opposites, but are actually synonymous. Anyway, you need to sign up for Ravelry (sounds like revelry, not to be confused with reveille) before you can get sucked in to the endless delights for yarn junkies. I have never seen a greater (in every sense of the word) time suck than Ravelry. I have entered my knitting needles and crochet hooks into a data base. Why? I can look over at the jar on my desk and see what I have. I’ve uploaded photos of my knitting, I’ve created a library of my reference books, even though they are on a shelf to my right (see WHY? above). I’m surfing patterns and yarns and looking for yarn junkie friends and looking at other people’s stashes. Yeah. I know. It’s yarn porn.

But there it is, and here I am, stuck to my laptop like a leech.

And then there is my love/hate relationship with “Tin Man”. And the never-ending garage sale plans. And a few bits of sewing that have yet to be finished, and did I mention that I’m heading to Disney World at the end of the week? Must commune with the mouse. More later, I think my boss has noticed I’m blogging and not working…