Previously on Project Runway, Mondo outed himself, Ivy was a stone bitch, Mayor Michael Bloomberg whored New York City, and the designers were unable to find inspiration in the second greatest city in the world (Miz Shoes respectfully bows to Paris). April did her same old same old and was aufed, but so did Andy, Gretchen and Michael Costello, who made it to the final four. The room is so small now, that Andy and Gretchen are pretending to like Michael C, at least for the cameras.

They get sent home with 9K and 6 weeks to make 10 looks. They will all come back to NYC to show pieces and one of them will not be showing (for teevee or money, but forever and ever on an internet search). Go home and create.

First we have to hear the deep, inner thoughts and reflections of our designers. Blah, blah, blah. And now, it’s Tim’s Travelogue Time. First up, Andy’s mountain top fish farm in Oahu. It’s an amazing place. Tim is freaked out by the catfish. Andy’s mom is a love. His is the immigrant story. He cries. He can machete the top of a fresh coconut. Miz Shoes loves Andy despite his treatment of Michael C.

He is working from the inspiration of the Buddha Garden in Laos, including hand-woven fabric from Laos and photos of his grandfather who was an elephant herder. There is nothing made, because the fabrics just arrived. There is a drawing of a pair of pants that looks like fish scale armor. Interesting. He has two weeks to finish his collection.

Next is Michael Costello in Palm Springs, California. Tim meets Richard and checks out the collection: feathers and the sunset skies. Feather skirt that looks like clouds, fringed top with sequined pants. He’s designed TOO much. Tim tells him to edit. Michael has a table full of friends in black t-shirts who all look like him. Richard (his boyfriend) outed Michael to his parents, and Michael’s parents as homophobic jerks to Tim.

Mondo in Denver! His studio is a Mondo space with a checkered floor. His inspiration is a marriage of vintage Mexican circuses and Day of the Dead iconography. He’s made a long evening dress in over-sized polka dots and black blocking. Mondo’s parents are totally blase over the fact that he’s gay. They tried to butch him up, but whatever. Mondo’s gay. He plays the piano. Miz Shoes says that Mondo’s “It gets better”-type confessional is tantamount to openly declaring him the winner. Miz Shoes also says that the PTB should just declare him the winner and put the audience out of the misery that has been Season Eight.

Finally, Gretchen in Portland. Gretchen’s life has fallen apart. She is perplexed to find she has come home to find out that she’s been dumped, has an empty bank account, an empty home and an empty life. Gretchen is not ashamed to share these darkest, deepest, most intimate moments with the one person she can share them with other than her mother and the millions of viewers on the other side of the confessional camera, Tim Gunn. Tim should be ashamed. Miz Shoes is embarrassed for Gretchen, but still finds herself shouting “I hate you, shut up” over and over at the screen whenever her face and Valley Girl flat drone come on. Miz Shoes may not be able to be objective about Gretchen. Miz Shoes would like to remind her readers that she had Gretchen pegged as insufferably self-absorbed halfway through episode one. Gretchen is inspired, as always, by herself and her childhood in the great southwest. BlahblahblahGRETCHENblahblahblah. Gretchen needs to be “authentic”, so she makes some authentically ugly costume jewelry that would look too cheap to be sold from a blanket on a New York City sidewalk.

Mondo claims the big room at the Hotel Sponsor. Michael arrives next and they have a joyful reunion, soon joined by Andy with a Pocahontas/Naomi Campbell weave. Gretchen brings the downer. Tim Gunn brings the Evil Velvet Bag, but in an attempt to rehabilitate the Evil Bag’s rep, the only thing to come out of it is Hotel Sponsor Resort Vacations for each of the designers. It doesn’t matter though, because the next thing Tim tells them is that they will be showing three looks from their collection: two that they brought with them and one that they will be creating in the next two days with $300.

Gretchen knows what she needs is casual to offset what she refers to as the sophistication of her collection. Mondo is a little lost. Andy is looking for a special shade of green. Michael is floundering. Andy goes back to his existing green fabric and pleats the shit out of it. Mondo makes a jersey color blocked dress, and at the end of the day, he hates it and decides to make something else the next day.

Sewing. Cutting. Tim. First he visits Michael Costello and finds that Michael is choking. Gretchen has made a little sundress with a diaper drape over the butt. She’s also making a bag. Mondo shows Tim the dress that looked too Junior. Gretchen opines about Mondo’s looks. Andy shows Tim the green pleats. Tim is happy. Mondo is unimpressed. Carry on, Mondo, Gretchen, Andy. Don’t choke, Michael, who now chokes harder. Mondo gives him a pep talk. Like that will work.

Day of Show, Gretchen is wearing a great burnt orange velvet tunic. She still needs to shut up. Scrambling in the workroom. Scrambling in hair and makeup. Gretchen wants the models to look like her and she wants to be the models. And it’s show time. Mondo cries. Andy cries. Gretchen cries. Michael C cries. Miz Shoes rolls her eyes. Heidi taunts the designers and introduces the judges: Michael Kors and Nina Garcia. There is no guest judge.

Andy sends out a silver cocktail romper, a dumbed-down version of his winning resort wear bikini and cover up, and the little green dress of pleats.

Michael C shows the fluid, drapey chocolate gown, a badly proportioned feather skirt and top and the sequined pants and fringed top. Gretchen calls it chicka chicka bow wow. Her work is brown. And more brown and animal prints and black and chartreuse and it is grim and not pretty.

Mondo sends out an impeccable collection, of course, and Miz Shoes wants the hot pink Evil Clown Day of the Dead purse with dingleberry fringe. So Mexican! So fun. Mondo is up first for critique. He easily explains his work. NinaGarcia beams at him. Heidi wants the polka dot evening gown. NinaGarcia says the polka dot dress is too close to farce, but NinaGarcia beams at him again anyway.

Andy talks about the Buddha park and how his fabric was made for him. MKors loves the green pleating. NinaGarcia is concerned about his range, and slams the bathing suit. He apologizes for not showing a better range in his mini collection. The judges slam him for not showing all his wow pieces today. They slam his styling. They slam him for the sake of slamming him.

Michael C is attempting to show that he can make structured. Of course the effortless gown is loved for being effortless. Heidi loves the blouse made of fringe. NinaGarcia calls him on his use of one color. MKors takes Michael to school about the concept of a collection. Heidi calls out his taste level, without saying “taste”. He, too is taken to task for not choosing the best of his collection for this.

Finally, Gretchen gets her turn in the barrel. She has delivered range, but NinaGarcia calls it “crunchy granola” that says that not only did Gretchen NOT pique her interest, but that “the only glimmer of hope I have of somewhat polish is this” and points to the diaper under the open-fronted tuxedo jacket and pimp hat. She flat-out says that she doubts that Gretchen “has it.” Heidi says that her models are schlumping along and MKors says that the girls do not look like a fashion show. Everything looks cheap. Gretchen challenges MKors’ opinion and says that she didn’t bring her best looks out.

The judges call the designers idiots for not figuring out that doing just that is exactly what they should have done. Gretchen is a phony. They are all over stressed. Heidi loves Gretchen’s granola, and MKors say that there’s nothing wrong with granola as long as it is fashion show granola. Mondo, on the other hand, walks too close to the line of not being taken seriously, according to NinaGarcia. MKors is concerned about Mondo being too over the top. Michael C is applauded for his draping, but the judges think he’s too inexperienced. And they worry that he may have edited out some of the better pieces. Andy gets praise, despite the underboob cape over the bikini. He used beautiful colors. Heidi finds him iffy. We hear a lot about the need to put on a “show” at Fashion Week, as if more than half of the discarded designers aren’t showing throw away collections.

Heidi says that this was a hard decision to make. Mondo, you are in. Be sure to keep on this side of the fine line between fashion and folly. Gretchen, Heidi loves your crap for no reason anyone else can fathom, so you get to go to fashion week, too. Mondo and Gretchen call each other ‘gurl’ and Miz Shoes tells the teevee to shut up.

Andy, you chose the wrong shit to show us. The last minute look was your best. Michael, a color isn’t a collection. We are afraid that you may not have anything new to say. Andy, you are in. Michael, we’re so sorry to crush your dreams. The next seven minutes are the longest, hardest to watch in Project Runway History (TM). Frankly, Miz Shoes did not need to see the depth of Michael C’s grief for that long, that up-close and that personal. Andy feels a little guilty for taking the last spot from Michael, but Miz Shoes believes that what Andy’s really feeling guilty about is what a shit he was to Michael C for most of the show.

Next week, a reunion AND the final show? Can that be right? And will Gretchen finally shut up and leave my consciousness forever?

Miz Shoes regrets she will be unable to recap today. She and The Renowned Local Artist had to take the Noble Dog Nails (aka Lt. Commander Nails, Retired, Sah!) across the Rainbow Bridge. He was a good and loyal companion for fourteen years and will be forever in our hearts.

The Noble Dog Nails was a Jack Russell Terrier. When his vet first saw him, he warned us that JRTs tend to die early, because they are suicidal: jumping out of moving cars to chase a dog spotted in another car, running into traffic, running away, going down a hole only to never be seen again… Nails did many of those things. It took longer to train the RLA that a Jack can NEVER be off-leash anywhere without a good fence and adult supervision than it did to train Nails to sit.

Nails graduated at the top of his puppy training class, accepting his biscuit and carrying it back to his spot before he ate it. We were also thrown out of agility classes after a couple of sessions because the trainer felt that Nails “didn’t want it enough”. Which was probably a fair assessment of the situation. Nails fought an Akita and later a Golden Retriever, and came out ahead with the Akita and slightly the worse for wear with the Golden (known forever after around these parts as Cujo). He field stripped a banana tree, leaf by leaf until we had no banana tree. He caught birds, possums and bufo toads, and was smart enough to find the RLA after the first two bufos caused him to end up at the vet’s office for anti-toxin. Toad. RLA. Mouth wash. No vet. Smart dog. Nails was not afraid of thunder, nor was he afraid of fireworks, as our friends who were with us the July 4th when he seized a lit firework and tried to kill it can attest to. We got it out of his mouth before it went off.

When my father passed away, Nails jumped up on the bed, sniffed Daddy from one end to the other and then stood guard over his body, like a little terrier version of Anubis, escorting the Egyptian dead to the other side. I’m sure that my old man was waiting on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge for Nails, greeting him with a gruff “Hey, Dog.”

Nails was able to destroy indestructible dog toys. He could, and did, climb trees. He was a fearless and grouchy companion, who swam in our pool every day. He would sit like a little old Jewish man on South Beach back in the day, on the top step of the pool, with the water coming up to his chest. Then he would launch himself off the step and swim in doggie laps, a circle about 4 ft. in diameter, before going back for another sit on the step. He hated pool noodles. Whenever they were in the pool, they were the enemy and had to die. He would dive in the pool, and grab the noodle in his teeth and wrestle it out of the pool, where it was rendered harmless and could be ignored.

Our very favorite game that we played together was “Hunting Lubbers Out in India”, where Miz Shoes would wander about the back yard, a long stick in one hand and a martini in the other, Nails close behind. Once a giant yellow lubber was spotted decimating the foliage, Miz Shoes would beat the leaves with her stick, and when the lubber leaped for safety, Nails would pounce upon it, and with a quick shake of his head, kill the lubber. Miz Shoes would sing the great Bonzo Dog Doodah Band classic “Hunting Tigers Out in India” as we hunted. It was cracking good sport, and Nails was in full Lt. Commander Nails, Retired, Sah! mode, all empire and duty.

Good dog, Nails. Smart dog, Nails. Brave and loyal and fierce and handsome Nails. Sail on, little old man.

Last night I took Surrogate Daughters Two and Three (and Star, their mother) to see The Bob. Star has been to a Dylan show with me before, but I felt the need to warn the girls what they were in for. Don’t, I said, expect certain things. Don’t expect to necessarily enjoy the sound of his voice. While Bob’s voice can be generously described as “rough” on his recordings, live, it’s more like a phlegmish gargle. Don’t expect to necessarily recognize any of the songs. Bob’s been touring pretty much non-stop for the last 35 years, and he never plays the same thing the same way twice, much less the way it was released. Don’t expect a long show. Bob plays hard and fast, and then leaves. Don’t expect any interaction with the audience. Bob will not tell stories, talk between songs, or even acknowledge that there’s anyone in the room besides him and his band. Don’t expect to see him strap on his guitar for more than one song. (Rumor says it’s a bad back?)

Star nodded sagely. Yep, pretty much. Except it wasn’t. Bob was in amazingly fine voice last night. He smiled…a lot. He (I swear) almost mugged for the phone cameras in the front row. He postured. He posed. He played guitar on FOUR songs. The show ran well over an hour. His Workingman’s Blues #2 was almost like the recorded version. It was, all in all, the best Dylan show I’ve seen in years and years. And years.

Here are my notes from the Nova Southeastern University show:

The stage is hung with black scrims, and while we wait for the show to begin, D.W. Griffith’s Intolerance is projected on them. The idiot teen behind us reads (incorrectly) the title cards. His papa is indulgent. The Number Three Surrogate Daughter offers, as a certified Autism Worker/Assistant, to help the father control the boy if he needs it. This shuts them up a little.

Rainy Day Women #14 & 35

It Ain’t Me, Babe (Bob on guitar for this and then next three songs, until Tryin’ to Get to Heaven)

Stuck Inside of Mobile With the Memphis Blues Again (and in the middle of this, he somehow sticks in a surf guitar riff or two)

The Levee’s Gonna Break

(Then he leads with a beautiful, true waltz tempo harmonica solo. Is it? Could it be??? It is.) Just Like A Woman (and he does it as an audience participation)

Honest With Me (into which he inserts funky under line of sci-fi woo-woo from the electric dobro. I can’t explain it.)

Tryin’ To Get To Heaven

High Water (for Charlie Patton)

Desolation Row. (And this is where Miz Shoes drops to the floor, dead from happy. I cannot even begin to explain the arrangement on this. It is not C&W, and not boogie and not blues. It contains a descending 4-note repeat)

Highway 61 Revisited (For reasons unknown, Bob sings this as Highway 65. The Surrogates and I are thrilled, because I have been reciting this to them during Rosh Hashona services since they was babies… G-d says to Abraham and all )

Workingman’s Blues #2 (with an exquisite harmonica finish)

(At this point my notes say “some boogie-woogie or another” and the drunk, slightly obnoxious Dylan-head to my right tells me it’s)

Thunder on the Mountain

Ballad of A Thin Man (This is an amazing version. It is all slinky rhythm. The black scrim is left black, with no lights. The band moves up. Dylan takes the mike at center stage. The band is lit with a flat yellow light, and the whole look and feel is like a vaudville minstrel show. It is absolutely fucking perfect, and the end of the show. They come back for an encore of)

Jolene

Like A Rolling Stone

It was the best I’ve seen him in years. Miz Shoes is a tired, happy woman today.

ETA: Just ganked this from YouTube. Shot with a camera phone, it isn’t exceptional footage, but it is the show from last night.

Miz Shoes is very sorry, but there will be very little snark hereabouts today. Miz Shoes has made a point of not reading any other recaps or reportage about this week’s episode and so does not know where she falls on the Metaverse’s spectrum of responses. She sincerely hopes for the majority.

This episode was sold as being full of the dramaz, and it was that. It was some pretty fucking compelling reality up on that screen. What Mondo did and what Mondo said could not have come at a more opportune time for the American soul, what with two very young men dead this week as a result of bullying.

But you know what Miz Shoes thinks about this? Miz Shoes would like to politely ask what the collective and ever-loving fuck is wrong with America’s collective morals that this behavior is considered anything less than criminal under any circumstance? Miz Shoes has plenty to say about this, but you want to know what it is that just irks Miz Shoes down to the very molecules that comprise her cranky existence? That the parents of the bullies are her age or thereabouts.

Would NinaGarcia like to hear the story behind why Miz Shoes is so incensed that her peers taught their children that it is somehow wrong and bad and deserving of public ridicule to be any other than a white heterosexual? Miz Shoes would be happy to tell her story to Miss Garcia.

Because twenty-five years ago, Miz Shoes had friends who were gay, and they were her companions from college. They were true and dear and it had cost them a lot to come out in the early seventies, almost forty fucking years ago. And then they started getting sick, and dying horribly, several of them alone and abandoned by their families. Some of them in hospitals, surrounded by love. And nobody gave a shit that gay men were dying in droves because they were somehow less than human for being gay. Really? It’s twenty-five fucking years into this epidemic and there are still people too afraid to come out to family or to tell anyone their HIV status? Well, where were their parents, Miz Shoes’ peers in the 80s and 90s, that they didn’t lose a single friend or relative and are able to pass along fear and prejudice to their kids?

Really, America? This is heartbreaking, but not for the reasons I suspect are being discussed around the web. This week’s episode was heartbreaking because it was true and people in situations like Mondo’s do have to live in fear and secrecy and that’s just unacceptable.

And, oh yeah, Mondo won his third challenge in a row, knocking a little sigh of pleasure from NinaGarcia over the exquisite tailoring and styling of his suit. Valerie finally and deservedly got the aufsie daisy. Next week, cheating?      

Previously on Project Runway, despite the judges having on their collective bitch pants,  Mondo won a challenge with a Jackie Kennedy on mescaline Chanel suit, Michael Knitwear guy was aufsie-daisy for the horror of cartridge pleats, and Tim had a hissy fit on his vlog, then remembered his manners, took it down and created a huge flutter in the Metaverse.

Gretchen and April are ready for another challenge, while Ivy and Valerie engage in mutual enabling of delusions and generally neurotic behavior. Ivy declares Valerie utterly broken by the last challenge. Mondo and Christopher have to move in with Andy and Wimpy. Not that Mondo calls Michael C Wimpy. No, that is Miz Shoes’ pet name for the Rodney Dangerfield of the Project Runway workroom. In fact, from now on we will refer to him as Rodney, so pay attention. But we digress. Andy throws some shade on Rodney, implying that he’s untrustworthy, and we’re off to the runway.

Heidi tells them nothing about the challenge, except the winner will walk away with a huge chunk of change. Tim tells them that this is the

make-up sponsor’s

couture challenge, that they have two days to create something over the top and fabulous, and $300 to spend at Mood. Their design will be featured in an advertorial for L’oreal. Massive product placement by Mr. Clean, and Pee Ess, the winner will also get a cool twenty grand. Montage of designers telling us how poor they are and how they need the money to stay out of the homeless shelter. Use our eye-shadow palettes as your inspiration. The palletes are Metallic, Velvet, Matte, Crystal and Bright. Gretchen considers the velvet, because she wants a challenge. Then Tim says not to use velvet unless you are really good with it or up to the challenge. Well, of course, our Miss Gretchen is up for that, by golly. Miz Shoes considers the possibility that Gretchen is a Sarah Palin supporter. As last week’s winner, Mondo gets to choose first, and he naturally gloms onto Bright.

The remaining designers chose in order, Christopher-crystal, April-matte, Rodney-metallic, Ivy-bright (because she can, too, use color, dammit), Valerie-crystal and Gretchen declares for “risky” velvet, because that’s just the sort of takin’ risks kinda girl she is, donchaknow? Andy goes for metallic. The designers stare at the piles of makeup and see Hawaiian waves in electric blue (Ivy), Galadriel’s fairy bathrobe/kimono (Gretchen), and Mondo is reminded of his childhood kaleidoscope.

At Mood, Swatch steals the show. First he barks at Tim’s feet, then Tim chases him around (looking for all the world like C3P0) and ends with a final thank you Mood and goodbye, Swatch. Yay for Swatch. In the workroom, Gretchen is furious with Rodney, because he is using her signature color, and she turned him on to it during the group challenge. He haz stole her colur! Oh,  NOES!!! Miz Shoes feels that there are about six hours of Gretchen kvetchin’ and decides that Gretchen is smug and humorless and clueless of her lack.

Tim Thru (TM)! Valerie has a lot of work, and a lot of her usual swoopy pleating things, coming from shoulder to hip across the body. Tim warns her that she has a lot of look. April is doing another riff on her winning resort look, and again in black on black. I love you, April, but use some color! Andy is doing a futuristic warrior woman, and while the other designers opine that his look is questionable, Tim tells it to take it further. Ivy is doing these bias ruffles and says it’s waves and water crashing and Tim recoils from the literalness of it all.

Gretchen attempts to sweet talk Mondo over Capri Suns. Since it’s a two-day challenge, the designers have all been working slowly, except for April, who has watched this show before and knows that there is always a twist and so has been working steadily all day, just in case. Models come in for their fittings and nobody has anything for them to try on, except Rodney and April. By the end of the night, Mondo has determined that he needs to start over on his bodice.

The next morning, as the designers settle in for the second day of work, Tim comes in to deliver their

death sentence

twist. They will have to create a ready to wear riff on the couture piece. And they have little time to sketch, little money at Mood and no additional hours, really, to do it all. There is much open-mouthed gaping and rending of garments. More Mood, more Swatch. In the sewing room, the designers fantasize over what they could do with 20K. There is a lot of debt to be paid off, but April wants a miniature pony. Miz Shoes is more than ever convinced that April is the natural daughter of her her long-lost friend, Psycho Patti. Tim comes around for his second walk though, Valerie has a nervous weeping fit and Ivy pities Val’s weakness. Morning of the show, however, finds Valerie with a lot of hand work left to do, but Ivy without a single finished piece. Extended footage of sewing, styling (Gretchen again uses the bone suede knee boots, this time under her elvish robe. Girl, give those tired things a rest, already.) At the ten minute warning, there are still a lot of unfinished garments in the work room.

Guest judge this week is Naeem Khan, whose clients include Michelle Obama, and she always looks great in his stuff, so well done, Mr. Kahn. April’s two black looks come out, and the first is sort of a steam punk neo-Victorian riding coat with a mullet hem and bustle back. This is worn over another pair of granny hot panties. The RTW is a little black dress with a ruffle shrug. There may be organza involved. Mondo sends out a Memphis-inspired bustier and skirt, and both pieces seem to move independent of the model. His second look is a body-conscious sheath, with a panel of black and white chevrons down the center front, and a matching panel in the back of black and white horizontal stripes. There are button details at the neck.

Ivy has made two things that are very, very, retinal-searing blue. Neither piece is pretty and neither piece fits, but Ivy is sure that she is safe. Rodney (Michael C, remember?) has made a ridiculous dress with pectoral fins and a train that has a hoopy, boned hem and a few hundred yards of ruffles. He calls the RTW look a mini-me version. Miz Shoes calls it the mall version, but recognizes that he does tend to design for strippers who have married Texas politicians, and they would totally shop at the store that carried his work. Christopher has used cream and white and illusion netting and bits of lace to make an ice dancer bodice over a sort of swirling chiffon meringue around her hips, below which hangs Gretchen’s signature faded lavender. This is echoed in the RTW sheath dress in ivory with a center panel of lavender. A lot of froth, but no coffee.

Gretchen has made a flapperesque bath kaftan, in a burgundy and beige tie-dye velvet, with floating panels (predictably) of darker and lighter purples in crepes or chiffons. It is covered all over in a grid of long, dangly ivory feathers, like tufts of fringe, and the (predictably) open back has all of its edges highlighted with beading. The model is wearing her hair parted in the middle, and a Renfest headpiece made of beads. The RLA took one look and invoked the sacred name of Bea Arthur or maybe only said it looked old. Her ready to wear bears absolutely no relation to her couture look. It is made of shades of teal green, and the side seams overlap to create a high slit on the leg when the model walks. Valerie’s contributions are long and white and shiny and short and black with three shiny buttons. She’s just happy to have two finished pieces. Andy’s armor is black and red and shiny and covered with his accordion-pleated panels. It is samurai armor and cocktail umbrellas all done in a goth color way. His RTW dress fits like a glove and has panels of the shimmery stuff on the arms and sides, in an echo of the armor.

Christopher and April are safe. Ivy, Valerie and Rodney have the bottom scores, and are sent away. Mondo, Andy and Gretchen have the top scores, and proceed to critique. The judges are back drinking the Gretchen koolaid, and Miz Shoes respectfully disagrees. Her look was dowdy and limp, just like everything else she makes, and enough with the beige boots. April should have been the number three top scorer.

Mr. Khan loves Andy’s multiple techniques, and the cocktail dress. NinaGarcia is fascinated with the leggings that incorporate the boots, and she and MKors both love Andy’s two looks, but Heidi doesn’t care for the couture bootleggings. Mondo’s kaleidoscope and simple day dress garner more accolades. Mr. Khan loves the multiple stripes, MKors calls the back dreamy, and like a Kentucky Derby ribbon exploded, but in a good way. Heidi loves the hat.

The losers come back out and Ivy attempts to defend her look. Pieces are coming off at the neckline on the evening dress. It’s pretty sad, and the short version just as sad. Everyone hates it, especially Mr. Khan, and when Heidi says that she doesn’t hate it as much as the other judges do, he shoots her a disbelieving look and says “Huh.”

Valerie’s failures are explained to her: she didn’t listen to the fabric, she forced it, trying to do structured with soft fabrics and drape with stiff ones. She missed her inspiration (Audrey Hepburn) by light years. Rodney is told that of the bottom three, his is the only work to look well-sewn, because the judges just aren’t going to let the other designers forget how they stood on that runway and said he couldn’t sew at all. Then they call out his couture gown for the mess it is, but heap a little bit of love on the short dress with the Judy Jetson peplum.

The judges deliberate and offer up sound bites of scathing disapproval. MKors declares a tight race for hideous this week. In the end, Mondo wins over Andy and Gretchen is safe, Michael C is safe, Valerie squeaks by and Ivy, the bitterest of kittens is sent home, to be forever bitter and resentful of the color turquoise.

Previously…orange Manhattan. The boys are sad that Casanova is gone. It’s quiet, now…too quiet. Ivy is a stone bitch, and Wimpy says that she needs to use a color other than opaque. It’s a great line,and MizShoes regrets not thinking of it first.

On the runway, Heidi is wearing the formal version of last week’s winning garment and delivers the challenge: step back in time. Gretchen doesn’t want to be forced to make a corset. The challenge as revealed by Tim, however, is nothing more than Michael Kors 2.0: American sportswear as personified by Jackie Kennedy. Just in case anybody has forgotten that the current first lady is oft compared to Jackie O and oft dressed by Mr. Kors. Not that Miz Shoes thinks that there is anything wrong in any of that.

Christopher says that he has this one in the bag, as he IS an American sportswear designer. He’s going to do a fantastic dress. Andy is perplexed and seems to be drawing costumes for a post-apocalyptic remake of Newsies. Aesthetic, aesthetic.

At Mood, Mondo hears the voices in the fabric bolts, Ivy is making bold and unusual color choices (i.e.: not beige), we get a Swatch sighting and Michael Knitwear Guy starts to question himself before the cashier hands him his change. Kicky do-rag or no, the guy is pouring flop sweat. The countdown to his exit has surely begun.

In the work room, Mondo has this over scale black, purple and white houndstooth boucle that looks like Chanel suiting, if Betsey Johnson were doing Chanel suiting. Gretchen wonders about Mondo’s taste level.  She and Valerie bond in the sewing room, and Valerie says aesthetic. Ivy throws shade on Wimpy.

Tim comes for walkies! He begins with Christopher, whose silvery one-shouldered cocktail dress is lovely. April says it looks like her grandmother’s clothes. What does everyone one this show have against fashionable grandmothers? More sound bites from the designers. Michael Knitwear guy says Mondo has designed for Jackie in the desert on mescaline. April calls out the fit on Andy’s cargo capris, which are wedged up the model’s butt. She doubts that Jackie in any century would wear his look. She is pretty spot on.

Valerie seems to think that calling Wimpy’s look “very Donna Karan” is an insult. We’ve moved on from he can’t sew, to he doesn’t have a clear point of view. Sour grapes, much? More workroom high jinks and morning coffee together high jinks and finally, we get back to the workroom to the Tim Twist(TM). Today will not be a runway day, after all. Instead, they will be going back to Mood with another $150 dollars and they will have to create an additional look, a piece of outerwear to compliment their original outfit. There is much consternation and gnashing of teeth.

Sinister interlude at Mood (and another Swatch sighting) where we see Wimpy come around a corner and trip over a bolt of fabric that’s been partially pulled out already. He loves it and starts touching it, when Gretchen, who’s already shopping that aisle, sees him and snatches the bolt saying she was going to buy some. And you know what? She probably was, and had already pulled it, so for this once, Miz Shoes is willing to cut the skank some slack.

Back in the sewing room again, and the unholy troika of Gretchen, Ivy and Valerie continue to bash Wimpy. Since his ability to sew has been established, the new charge against him is that he sews too much and makes too many garments per challenge, and relies on Tim Gunn to make his decisions and then brags that he made seven dresses. To use a TLo-ism, those are some bitter kittens. Another “Evil Wimpy” soundbite, as he says if you’re gonna hate on him for winning challenges, then step up your fucking game and win one your ownself (cough, Valerie, Ivy, cough). To which Miz Shoes says, right on.

We get a second Tim Through, where he is unimpressed with Valerie’s vest over jacket, completely mystified by Michael Knitwear’s grey wool jersey skirt with cartridge pleating at the dropped hip and inexplicable jacket, and concerned that Andy may be giving Jackie Kennedy camel toe. Mondo has made a little black jacket lined in purple to go over his Mondo/Chanel skirt.

Runway day and the girls are worried for Andy, Andy is feeling confident and true to himself, and Michael Knitwear is hoping just not to go home. Mondo assures him he will not. Death spiral commencing in two. Christopher is not having an easy time with his leathah shrug. Mondo is dressed like a Kewpie Doll and does a little tap dance. Dead Man Walking Michael interviews that some people are hating on Wimpy because they are all stuck up elitist bitches. In case you’ve not been paying attention, the editors helpfully cut in views of Gretchen, Valerie and Ivy. He is still pleased with his outfit…with cartridge pleating on a high hip.

Smoky eye, smoky eye, smoky eye. Is there any other kind? And finally, it is runway time. Heidi introduces the guest judge, January Jones, actress. January Jones is a flawless blonde in the mold of Grace Kelly, and is famous for playing Betty Draper on Mad Men, where she is styled to perfection as such. In real life, she’s the kind of girl who wears jeans and white shirts. Still, she is as uniquely qualified to spot a Jackie Kennedy vibe as anyone who wasn’t around for the real thing.

Christopher leads with his beautiful silvery dress with the unfortunate dead animal shrug. Don’t misunderstand, Miz Shoes is all about the dead animal pelts, and this one, all frosty pale and hand-sheared to a sort of post-modern Persian lamb is gorgeous, but what Christopher has created is much less than the sum of its parts. Next comes April’s body conscious black outfit with a sheer black organza jacket. Ivy’s exciting use of black, white and grey: wide legged pants, asymmetric white blouse and sheer grey organza asymmetric mini trench coat. She’s pretty smug about how great a look it is and says she’s never seen anything like this before, in which case, she’s blind.

Wimpy isn’t as sure about his blue cocktail dress with a black denim vesty jacket. Miz Shoes is pretty sure that Gretchen’s outfit contained a lot of brown and a lot of floaty layers and that the proportions on that giant toast-colored, belted horse blanket were awful. Michael Knitwear guy’s grey, black and white ensemble comes out and the skirt is too short. He whispers to the other designers that he is toast.

Valerie’s three pieces are dark, full of her usual boomerang pleat/flaps and heavy. Andy is still delusional about his cargo capris and the lumpy vest he’s made. Even his model can’t save this with her walk. Mondo’s tailored his three pieces to perfection. His model sells the look to perfection. The striped boat neck tee shirt has three quarter sleeves, cuffed with the stripes perpendicular to the sleeve, and is fitted to perfection. The little jacket lined with purple is perfection.

Wimpy, April and Gretchen are safe. The others are the best and the worst. The inquisition begins with Valerie and her jacket over jacket. The judges hate everything about it, from her color choices to her floppy collar to her pleats and zippers. Christopher ruined his look with the dirty rug of a fur stole. Michael Knitwear is flayed, drawn and quartered by MKors who fluffs himself up and declares himself insulted by this vision of sportswear. NinaGarcia enumerates his failures. Miss Jones is unimpressed. He’s just circling the drain.

Mondo’s outfit is praised, and then the judges move on to what his model is wearing. The combination of patterns, the silhouette, the completeness of the elements working together all get praise. It does not look cheap! Next is Ivy, who garnishes love from MKors for the architectural elements of her tailoring. She claims that she was inspired by shapes, like triangles and squares, because shapes are timeless. As artistic statement wank goes, that’s pretty impressive wank.

Andy is completely blind sides by the judges’ responses to his vision. Heidi says she just wants to laugh at the very concept that any of this would under any set of circumstances, be worn by Jackie Kennedy. MKors, NinaGarcia and Heidi compete for the cruelest put down of Andy and then everyone is sent to the green room to lick their wounds. The judges begin again, and are bored by Valerie, appalled by Andy and ready to pull the plug on Michael Knitwear.

Christopher made a smart dress and wrapped it in a dirty dishrag, Mondo understood the challenge, the inspiration, his personal style and melded it together successfully. Ivy didn’t suck, for once, and used good materials and tailored well. Decision made, let’s bring back the designers. NinaGarcia is seen giving a sage nod in slo-mo.

Mondo is the clear winner (agreed), Christopher is safe, and so are Ivy and Andy. Valerie looks pityingly over at Michael Knitwear, who was resigned to being sent home when he first questioned his fabric choices back at Mood. Valerie made ill-fitting, unflattering mall wear, but Michael Knitwear made an unflattering silhouette with cartridge pleats and layered wife-beaters. Michael Knitwear apologizes to Tim for not listening, and they hug. Next week? It seems that there will be more blood on the runway.