Wow. Was that the best episode of Project Runway ever, or what? Even better than the 33 Faces of Gretchen. We open with a recap of Ivy spreading nasty rumors about Wimpy. Well, it ain’t slander if it’s true, so there’s no fault, no foul if he did say she was the bitch of the season.

April laments the loss of Peach, and has to move in with the mean girls, who pretend to make her feel welcome. In the men’s suite, Andy gets his bitch panties on and tells Wimpy that he can’t respect him as a designer because he just doesn’t know who Wimpy is. First use of “aesthetic”, so take a shot. Wimpy is gracious and tries to answer. April is gracious, and pretends to believe that the mean girls are sincere.

What the hell is Heidi wearing? Blue satin Hammer/genie pants? Were they a gift from En Nino del Infierno made with the left overs from the last challenge? While the viewer is still reeling from that, the designers are whisked away to the Hudson River to take a short spin on a tour boat. They meet Tim and Michael Kors at the dock, and MKors explains that the challenge will be to design a resort wear look, and he knows resort wear. Wimpy reminds us that he’s from Palm Springs, and has this one in the bag. Michael Knitwear loves resort wear. Mondo’s idea of resort wear is his underwear in his apartment. Miz Shoes pauses for a moment to consider that vision and shudders. On to the boat for breakfast, champagne and sketching. MKors gives everyone a pair of sunglasses from his new line. Gretchen sucks up for the cameras. Christopher and Michael Knitwear are psyched. Tim hangs on the rail for dear life, while attempting to look nonchalant.

Andy is going to go a luxury one piece and cover up. He and April are wearing the same grey nail polish. Mondo and April bond over their loser status. Miz Shoes is loving April: she is spitting image of Miz Shoes’ college best friend, Psycho Patti, although in those days she wasn’t Psycho yet. April reminds us of her diaper resort wear fiasco. Tim gives Michael Knitwear a pep talk, and he refers to his vision as a gift. Ivy buys more colorless fabric. We get a huge Swatch spotting at the five minute warning, as designers panic and just grab anything.

Back in the workroom, Tim comes in with the velvet bag of doom. Michael Knitwear hates the bag. Casanova hates the bag. Valerie hates the bag. The bag is there to pair up the designers. They will be executing each other’s design work: they will be each other’s sample rooms. Valerie is chosen first, and she gets teamed with Andy. Michael C (Wimpy) is paired with Mondo, who has just delivered a sound bite about NOBODY WANTS TO BE ON WIMPY’S TEAM and is pissed to have to take the bullet for the team. April is paired with Christopher, and they are happy because they work exactly the same way. Casanova is paired with Gretchen, who tries to put happy face on it. That leaves Ivy and Michael Knitwear, and Ivy immediately puts down his sewing skills as being nowhere on a par with her own.

Tim implies that the teams will be judged on their communication. But the designer will own the design, the sample maker is merely the sewer. Mondo starts off with Wimpy by telling him that he doesn’t want to be his partner because Wimpy’s sewing skills suck. He is an utter ass, and Wimpy just sighs and tries to get along. For all that the blogosphere has been told that Wimpy isn’t without fault, Miz Shoes knows that if she’d been in Michael C’s place with the non-stop high school shunning going on, she’d have snapped a long time ago. It would have been a Project Runway First as she attempted to stab someone through the heart with a French curve.

Andy isn’t sure that Valerie can do swimwear. Ivy is already up Michael Knitwear’s grill and he’s already looking in his head for his happy place. Gretchen is speaking slowly and clearly to Casanova, who tells us that she gives him BIG drawings, too. There is nothing wrong with my eyes, he says, and then comes to the horrible realization that Gretchen “believes that I am a retard”. Oh, honey, don’t take it so personal. Gretchen advises El Nino del Infierno on his color choices, telling him it looks old lady. She then belts out TWO “aesthetics” in one sentence. Double shot!!

Mondo and Valerie and Andy all trash Wimpy. Mondo thinks it’s going to be the end for him, this horrible, horrible, torturous working with Wimpy. Andy and Valerie and doing well. And then, the most amazing thing happens. Wimpy makes a great garment. And Mondo confesses that he had been a dick. And then he actually manned up and apologized to Wimpy. And with that he became Miz Shoes favorite contestant, except for April.

Very Special Surprise!! A guest critic, who is Michael Kors. The Dutchess is going to review the work in the workroom. Resort wear. He’s a little gay. Gretchn and Casanova. MKors says its looking a little older and a little beige. Gretchen is also making a super pallazo pant, using the same burgundy from the team challenge. MKors warns her about the color. Wimpy has done a pallazo pant jumpsuit in shiny. Mondo’s turquoise and yellow boy shorts and lime green print micro-hoodie and the green twee visor/hat and the hot pink trim on the bra top is a little too busy for Kors.

MKors and April have a bonding moment. Shorts better fit, and no ass cheek, says Michael to April. Christopher is doing a chiffon draped item. Ivy has dumbed down her designs to her idea of what Michael Knitwear’s skills are capable. All the other designers know that Ivy is a stone bitch and good luck with that. Andy and Valerie are warned that they have much work to do, and Valerie breaks down after MKors tells her to get over that cadet blue and the hideous bordeaux.

Michael Knitwear can’t sew what April designed. Valerie loses it and utters the “Going home is not an option” line. She has to talk to her mom. Crying. Drama. Michael Knitwear is resigned to being the death of Ivy. Mondo realizes again that he was a jerk, and now he and Wimpy are BFFs. The designers will have ten minutes before the show to take back their work. April checks for ass cheeks on the model as she walks and instructs Christopher to drop the short to cover all of their asses. Ivy is a stone bitch and is perched on Michael Knitwear’s shoulder like Snoopy when he’s a vulture. Her crazy is radiating off of her in waves. And as soon as Tim says that they can switch positions, they are in each other’s chairs.

Runway. Heidi comes out in the bedazzeled version of last week’s winning dress. Judges are Michael Kors, NinaGarcia and Kristin Bell, “sytlish American Actess”. Miz Shoes is glad that someone told her. Wimpy’s jumpsuit comes out first, simply styled and well made. Mondo’s kicky Malibu Barbie beach wear. Micheal Knitwear’s black linen sheath with a glittery bikini bra under it. Ivy’s white and celadon boring nothing thing. Christopher’s chiffon top and super-fitted Bermuda shorts. April can tailor. April’s little hot pant and bondage and baby doll top is amazing. El Nino del Infierno’s look is camel palazzo pants and an ivory, low boatneck blouse with a bubble hem and a wide waistband of cotton crochet lace. Gretchen has made a slip-topped jumpsuit pallazo pants cum genie pants. Valerie’s shorts and best are meh, and she isn’t happy with how Andy sewed it. But Andy’s design is sewn beautifully, and those fabrics are perfect together and rich looking. And Andy’s model can walk the shit out of anything.

Andy, Casanova, Mondo, April, Ivy, Michael Knitwear are called out. They are the tops and bottoms. Andy, April and Michael have the high scores. The bottoms are sent back to the green room. We hear about Mondo’s underwear again. April defends her look by using “aesthetic”. Drink!!! Michael Kors is in love. Tough, punk baby doll. Hot but not vulgar. MKors appreciates the panty with no ass. Kristin Bell would wear it on the red carpet.

Andy allows that being from Hawaii, he is familiar with resort wear. Heidi finds it commercial, but in a yachting about the Mediterranean way. NinaGarcia loves the fabric and the expensive look. MKors loves the suit. Michael Knitwear thanks Ivy for her skills, and Ivy is a stone bitch and tries to throw him on anyone’s sword. Effortless and ageless agree Kristin and NinaGarcia about his design, though.

Mondo says that he’s never seen a resort and has no clue and NinaGarcia slaps that excuse like a mosquito. MKors uses the word “aesthetic” and Miz Shoes pretends not to hear it, thereby skipping the fifth shot. Junior wear. Wimpy praises working with Mondo and says that it was the “funnest” challenge. Mondo returns the love and admits that he was a dick before.

Ivy immediately says that her design sucks because Michael Knitwear can’t sew and had huge imitations. MKors says that he saw what she had on her fabric table. NinaGarcia says that she has the chops, but not the design skills. Wimpy says that Ivy is a stone bitch, and she is. Wimpy makes faces in the background as Ivy is a stone bitch.

Casanova loves his look and says that it was inspired by his grandmother. And now the judges pile on about how old the look is. Miz Shoes respectfully disagrees. It looks like it would be the nicest outfit on the page in a Soft Surroundings catalog. The model would be bone thin and elegant and have silver hair, but would probably be all of 45 in real life. Miz Shoes would look at the page and think the outfit handsome and realize that outside of certain parts of Texas, nobody wears that stuff. So. Yeah, grandmotherly, if your grandmother is 55 and plays tennis at the club every afternoon.

OMG. Mondo and Wimpy are sitting together on the couch, arms around each other’s shoulders. How sweet. The judges love Andy’s bathing suit and cover up. They love Michael Knitwear’s piece, and talk about how he was able to clearly explain what he wanted. April’s babydoll is hot, cool and wearable. Mondo’s work is called K-Mart. Ivy is recognized as a stone bitch and the judges agree that while she can sew, she is no designer. NinaGarcia wants to know where the middle ground is for Casanova, because everything he does is either Madonna or Whore.

Michael Knitwear is sent off the runway, safe. He is relieved not to have won, because he wants to be able to sleep. Heidi praises April for creating a piece that is true to her “aesthetic” and oh, please. Miz Shoes concedes the game. She cannot drink a shot every time someone on this show utters the word aesthetic. Andy’s work is dramatic, wearable and April wins. The green room explodes in applause and hugs and tears. April is so cute. Andy is in. Mondo is in, and runs off the runway like a scalded cat. Ivy is called out for being a neurotic bitch. Casanova is called out for designing for his grandmother. Ivy is in, and is encouraged to wow the judges next time, or there won’t be another chance. Ivy pretends not to want to kill Michael Knitwear, but Miz Shoes would keep one eye open. April is sad. Casanova gets a lovely montage of his greatest hits.

Tim is sad to say goodbye to Casanova. Hugs. Ball grabbing. Next week, Jackie O would not wear goth.

Previously on Project Runway, the popular kids were mean to Michael C aka Bluto*, and Gretchen revealed her true nature. Or natures, as there were many faces of Gretchen revealed.  In a team challenge which was supposed to have no leaders, Gretchen ran Team Luxe to a well-deserved loss, then AJ had to take the bullet, and was sent home. Team Even the Losers Get Lucky Sometimes won the challenge and El Nino del Infierno won immunity.

The Statue of Liberty holds her lamp high over the orange skyline of Manhattan. In the Atlas, the cool kids are still bitching that the losers won. Even April is trashing Wimpy and saying that he can’t tailor, drape, cut a pattern or sew. Ivy and Valerie want him to get sent home. Gretchen cries crocodile tears over Tim Gunn’s smack down and says he hurt her feelings. Ivy and Valerie are happy that Tim did it. They think it will give Gretchen a little reality check. Maybe, if they don’t go back to being her adoring sycophants, annnd we’re already too late for that.

Runway: Casanova has immunity. New models and quite a task. Oh, lord. It’s the reconfigure some of the world’s ugliest bridesmaids’ dresses challenge. Make something they would like to wear out of this crap fabric and these ugly colors. There is a blue vertical bow, a dress that looks like a Twizzler, another that looks like the inside of a Pepto-Bismal bottle. Every one is made of horrible polyester satin.

As the winner, Casanova picks first and goes for the tallest and thinnest girl. Everyone gets someone and something. Micheal Knitwear is appalled to be last and left with the big girl. Ivy picks the ivory dress, of course. Mondo goes for a rose-colored dress which is later revealed to be sporting a giant white stripe down the back.  The designers are told to create something that looks like a runway, nothing like a bridesmaid’s dress. $50 and up to two yards of additional fabric. Use most of the bridemaid’s dress. Christopher’s model bails and he gets a new girl with a sort of metallic net and embroidery.

April’s model is a pain. She wants the pleats ironed out of a Fortuny-pleated grey dress and does not get April’s aesthetic. Miz Shoes considers taking a shot every time one of the designers says “aesthetic”. Knitwear Michael calls his model “vo-LUMP-tuous. Tailoring and smart decisions will be key to his success, he says. And off they go to Mood. Michael Knitwear is so undone by the size of his model that he buys upholstery fabric instead of dress-making fabric, because he can only buy two yards, and upholstery fabric is about three times the width of dress fabric. It’s also coarse and cheap. And insulting to his model, although as far as he’s concerned, he’s being “mindful” of her special needs, saying to Gretchen that he doesn’t want his model’s size to even be a conversation topic. He’s really sort of a douche, isn’t he?

In the sewing room, Valerie and Andy trash Wimpy and his sewing skills, while Valerie sneers that the judges will tell them that they are crazy to think he can’t sew and love his work. They agree that the judges are the crazy idiots. Gretchen calls her mommy and blah blah blah time of reflection. Blah blah blah. Her mother is like a character from “Northern Exposure” but she is Gretchen’s mother, and Miz Shoes is not a person to talk trash about someone’s mother. Christopher is crushed inside for Gretchen. Gretchen and Tim are especially polite to each other as he comes in for his walkabout and Gretchen says blah blah blah. Tim tells Wimpy to edit and Michael Douche says something about size and trying to be kind. Valerie is making clothes, not fashion.

Tim’s Surprise is that they’ll have an extra day, one in which they will have a Project Runway Open House and hundreds of random people will come through and have a chance to meet them and vote on their favorite, which will influence the judges decision, but how much so is to be determined at a later date, depending, you know, on if the judges like who these people like. Some of the designers do not look happy about this.

Michael Douche is dressing the big girl in a fucking baby doll dress. Miz Shoes wants to slap him. Wimpy’s model is insisting on the black lace that Tim told him to ditch. He thinks he can make it work. The bust is lined with the ivory that was part of her ebony and ivory and rhinestone dress. Michael Douche is being a douche. April and her model are not happy together. Peach is in a panic, having cut her skirt wrong.

Life in the popular girls’ room is on display. Miz Shoes fast forwards. Peach is fatalistic and cute as a button, bless her heart. April continues to fantasize what she really wanted to say to her client. Wimpy and his model love the dress with the lace capelet bodice. Tim tells the designers to interact and wow the masses, earn their buttons in your fishbowl. The people love Wimpy, and Ivy spreads rumors that Wimpy is telling the strangers that she’s the season bitch. Michael Douche only gets one button…from the model’s sister, it would seem. Peach is adorable. Mondo’s getting buttons. Ivy continues to spread poison.

Christopher is shaving the sides of Andy’s head to give him a Mohawk, and then Andy confronts Wimpy about Ivy’s accusations. Wimpy steadfastly denies it (and there is no footage of him doing it, at least none that aired). Andy notes that that a lot of the designers are tweaking their work based on

the audience response

their own editing eyes. Peach is in the weeds. Wimpy confronts Ivy and straight up tells her he never said a word about her and his model will swear to that. Ivy is a stone bitch and says she doesn’t believe him for a second.

Time for the runway. Michael Douche is wearing a do rag. Mondo says that Michael Douche has handled his “special challenge” with grace, by which he means that MD didn’t throw a tarp over the fat girl. April is wearing her hair down.  Mondo got the most votes from the commoners at the previous night’s event. Our special guest judge is Cynthia Rowley (coolness).

Mondo’s model is from Jersey and working the Jersey/Snookie strut. Ivy’s made ivory pants and a blouson top in yellowish chiffon. Valerie’s dress looks like bad junior wear and the fit of the top is one of the worst Ever Seen on Project Runway.™  Gretchen’s Post-Apocalyptic cocktail dress with Mad Max™ boots prompts one of her minions to coo sweet nothings. Peach’s disaster of a dress is not helped by the fact that her model has apparently never seen a single episode of America’s Next Top Model and has never learned to stomp it out on the runway with wind in her hair and smize. Andy’s overdyed shorts and vest are short, but not as short as Wimpy’s very Little Black Dress. Christopher is confident. Michael Douche has made an adult woman look like a chubby, awkward girl at her bat mitzvah. Casanova has made a sand-colored blouse from Flashdance and a pair of teal blue satin toreador/motorcycle pant.  April’s black and silver grey dess is fierce and so is her model.

Casanova, April, Ivy, Andy, Gretchen are all safe. In the green room, they all talk shit about Wimpy. Michael Douche talks about his dress. Oh! Michael Kors says bat mitzvah, too. NinaGarcia is appalled by the upholstery fabric sheer that he bought for cheap. She says it looks like cheap mosquito netting. Christopher gets a little love. Cynthia Rowley loves it. Heidi likes the short, tight and shiny. Peach is savaged and there is no way to defend her. She knows it, too. Mondo claims that his model could wear “leggins” and flats with his dress. The judges think it looks tough and cool, but the Jersey Shore lo-brow styling is killing them.

Valerie is getting the same harsh treatment as Peach. Michael Kors calls her attempted color blocking unfortunate. To say the least. Cynthia Rowley explains proportions and NinaGarcia calls out the construction on the top. Heidi didn’t hate it as much as the others. Wimpy gets serious love. Even though he made a dress short enough for Heidi, the coverage of the lace at the top give it a modest look and a great proportion. MKors loves his draping at the shoulders. Miss Rowley loves the hip pocket. They all love that he turned drab dowdiness into chic edginess/edgy chicness. NinaGarcia loves his use of so many different materials.

The judges start with Wimpy’s dress and Heidi reminds everyone that the designers on Team Luxe were so universally mean to Michael C. The judges educate the viewers as to their opinion of Michael C’s skill sets and list the many virtues of the garment that was sent out. They like Christopher’s attempt to make faux organza drape. Mondo’s modern hot dress was styled like Snookie and the Flintstones, but not vulgar. Impeccable tailoring: perfect seams, perfect hems.

Valerie’s dress was a tennis dress gone very wrong. They loathed Michael Douche’s fabric. Peach is toast. Michael Kors says that she can sew well, at any rate. Gretchen, Andy and Ivy are all “if Michael C is on the top, why are we even here?” They are horrified. Wait until they find out he won and Mondo came in second. He gets immunity again. When Wimpy enters the green room and says he’s won, Ivy stone-faces “Of COURSE you did.” Gretchen confessionalizes that she is very disappointed that the judges don’t care about craftsmanship. Casanova points out that both Gretchen and Michael are twice winners. Gretchen looks for the razor blades.

Christopher is safe. Valerie is safe. Michael Douche and Peach had the two worst looks, but Michael gets to stay and Peach goes home. Don’t cry for Peach, viewers, for she has had the time of her life.  She was just jazzed to be there. April starts to cry. Mondo cries. Peach goes out in style.

Next week, resort wear, designers acting as art directors, maybe or some other form of collaboration that they don’t want and won’t be successful making work and it looks like Gretchen and her posse try to throw Michael C under yet another bus when he has immunity.

* An astute reader pointed out that it is not Bluto who will “gladly pay you on Tuesday for a hamburger today”, but Wimpy. Therefore and henceforth, we will be referring to Michael C as Wimpy.

We begin with a recap of last week’s episode, where Michael C (Bluto: I’ll give you couture tomorrow for a burger today) won and all the prissy divas (Ivy, Gretchen, Christopher) rolled their eyes, pouted and talked trash about his skills. But that was then and this is now. A team challenge, where there will be no team leader, but a group of 6 designers, who must work together. One member of the losing team will go home. As last week’s winner, Bluto picks first. He picks Gretchen, which prompts April to ask: “Do you wanna hire Hitler? Seriously?” Which is totally wrong. Gretchen’s style is much more Stalinesque.

The next designer chosen will be the first member of the second team, it’s April and she picks Mondo. Each freshly picked designer gets to chose the next team member. Gretchen picks Christopher. The final teams consist of Michael C, Gretchen, Christopher, Andy, Ivy and AJ are “Team Luxe”, or as Miz Shoes calls them, Team Prissy Divas. The other team is the classic high school lunch table assortment of freaks and geeks: April, Mondo, Casanova, Valerie, Michael Knitwear and Peach. April assesses Team Ego Freaks as a clusterfuck of personalities waiting to clash.

Tim gives the challenge: a 6-piece collection that is on trend for Fall 2010. There is a Chinese menu of trends and color stories. Pick one from each side, bring them together and create a collection. Gretchen signs that this will be a piece of cake for Team Masters of the Egoverse. They have an hour to sketch and a cool thou to spend at Mood. It’s another one-day challenge.

Over at the Lunch Table of Losers, Michael Knitwear encourages respect and individuality and being a team. They all hold hands and sing Kumbaya. On the other side of the room, Michael C is immediately ignored by the rest of his team as Gretchen has gotten the bit between her teeth. With Christopher as her trusty gay lieutenant and Ivy as her sniveling Renfield, they decide to do menswear in a palette of camel and beige. Miz Shoes wishes to weep. Some of the fabric choices were plaids, metallics, lace and jaguar/animal prints. But what did Team Our Futures’ So Bright We Gotta Wear Shades opt for? The most predictable and overdone for menswear: camel and beige and grey. Oh, the innovation is killing Miz Shoes here.

Team Loser votes to do military, using black (not green) lace. They share their drawings, and each picks up a design element from another team member. They are each doing their own thing, but working off of each other. Clever. Democratic. They discuss every fabric concept and assign areas of Mood shopping responsibility. Clever.  Mondo is Notions Boy. Miz Shoes suspects Mondo has that particular costume already prepared and hanging in the closet at the Atlas. The RLA says it has a blue cape. And he also wears Jason the Droog’s tool corset, but in purple cracked patent leather.)

Team Gretchen & the Sniveling Minions abuse Michael C. Bluto, sweetiedarling, Miz Shoes could have told you that the short, chubby Hispanic kid would never be cool enough to sit with the popular kids in the lunch room. You would have been better served to be on Team We Are the Losers Who Lunch.

The next thirty minutes are painful. El Nino del Infierno goes on the couch, curls up in the fetal position and weeps from the Critique of Tim Gunn. His model finally is able to rescue him from his dark mood and he goes back to the workroom to rework his concept. Team Gretchen is The Shit So Say We All treats Michael C with contempt and disrespect and when they see the way they were edited for this episode, Miz Shoes hopes they are suitably ashamed of themselves and apologize to their families for appearing on national television to have been raised by wolves. They talk trash and cannot envision a future where they are not the top of the heap. Let’s just skip that whole thirty minutes and go straight to the runway.

Michael Kors, NinaGarcia and guest judge Georgina Chapman, Founder of Marchessa. First collection is Los Losers, and the show leads with Mondo’s little black lace stripes top and shorts or mini-romper with no sleeves but plenty of brass and braids. It’s kicky. Miz Shoes wishes she could find another word for Mondo’s aesthetic, but kicky is the most accurate. Peach has left her comfort zone behind, making a sleek high-waisted skirt in blue with buttons and chains across the front, and a beautiful tank top of black lace over cranberry. It has a lovely sweetheart neckline. April has made another of her patent leather, lace, visible zippers, post-apocalyptic Klingon dresses. It fits the challenge perfectly and nods back to Mondo’s look. Valerie has used white and blue, and made a sharp little cropped jacket and skirt. There are lace insets at the shoulders. Next is El Nino del Infierno’s sheer, backless top and skin-tight white pants with a brass zipper and brass buttons all down the side seams. It is easily the best look, and well-made. Huh. And we end with Michael Knitwear’s LBD.

Team We Need To Get Over Ourselves Already leads off with AJ’s sheer linen big shirt over jodhpur-style leggings. Maybe he shouldn’t have tried to French seam that puppy, because those are not well made. For the record, Miz Shoes’ has sewn French seams before and they are not as hard as little AJ tried to make it appear. Christopher has made camel pants and a drapey blouse and a floppy jacket. He is certain that the tailoring is flawless. Andy’s “Grandpa” sweater has been belted with a narrow belt. This causes it to look like it’s been buttoned wrong. There is a huge brass exposed zipper all the way down to the hem. There are lots of zippers.

Heidi calls each member of Team Freaks and Geeks by name. They are the winning team. They have a group hug. Heidi sends the popular kids back to the green room to wait and consider how this could have happened to them. They are shocked. Christopher says that not being on top is uncomfortable. As they sit and talk about the fact that the judges were clearly insane, the same judges are pouring the love on Team Even The Losers Get Lucky Sometimes and explaining why they won. Eventually, Casanova is named the challenge winner and there are more group hugs.

More evil plotting and pinky swearing to have each other’s backs by Team We Still Don’t Know How We Could Have Lost to the Uncool Kids. On the runway, Gretchen continues to wank and lecture the judges. Then she cries. All the minions cry, too. Michael Kors rolls his eyes. Gretchen lectures the judges to be “mindful” of who they send home, because she won’t name a name. Until she does. NinaGarcia lets loose and explains that every garment has a proportion problem, that this is in no way a cohesive collection, and as for the color choices? NinaGarcia has to take a breath and look to the heavens for strength before she can utter the final “ghastly”.

There are another ten minutes where Gretchen and her minions all trash Michael C and declare he was the weakest link and immunity or not, should get sent home. Despite repeated warnings that the judges didn’t care about Michael C, and to name a valid victim, none of the cool kids do, sticking together and insisting that they are the shit. The judges, the blogosphere, the viewing audience and all sentient beings in the known universe see right through that bullshit and Gretchen’s endless stream of crocodile tears, but in the end it is AJ who gets sent home for only making one garment (damn those French seams of hard work), and not even putting any of himself into the design. The final confessional of Gretchen saying that he brought it on himself by making a shitty garment should make her mother proud.

PEE ESS: Tim Gunn comes into the green room snorting fire and brimstone (albeit in a very lovely suit and without so much as a hint of anger in his calm voice) and tells Team No, Really, Get the Fuck Over Yourselves that they should be ashamed of themselves for their behavior on the runway and that Gretchen is a bully and an asshole and they are too for following the Mean Girl. Ivy has the blinders lifted from her eyes. Or so she says. We’ll see next week how this week truly plays out.

Item the first: Miz Shoes did not receive her i-Tunes download of this episode until late Saturday night, making it impossible for her to meet the Blogging Project Runway Recapalooza deadline. She is not happy about that.

Item the second: Miz Shoes doubts sincerely that any of the contestants this week had ever heard of Philip Treacy, or else they would have shown some respect and imagination. Because she is so late to this particular rodeo, Miz Shoes is going to give her gentle readers the down and dirty overview and not a play by play.

The clothes hangers are all brought out to the runway wearing Philip Treacy hats and the usual black slips. The designers, starting with Andy who has immunity, get to chose which hat they want to work with, and as an after thought, the model wearing the hat. This is the first place that Miz Shoes’ blood pressure rises. These idiots do NOT look at the hats. They do NOT respect the hats. They are not inspired by the hats. Every single one of them sticks with their previously used model, hat be damned. People. This was not about the models’ feelings. It was not about how this nameless human clothes hanger is your (and they throw this word around as much as Gretchen uses “aesthetic”) “muse”. Please. You’ve been working with them for what, two weeks?

There is sketching time and money and Mood. Kristin, who was the last designer and had no choice but to work with her usual model and her unusual hat, is totally and completely flummoxed by the enormous orchid. She thinks it looks like a giant vagina and she has no idea what to do with it. Honey, if yours looks like that? Green, protuberant and striped? Whatever. She goes with black and hot pink. El Nino del Infierno is also perplexed by this challenge (but when isn’t he) and calls the hat a costume that is not a hat.

Gretchen is insufferable. Ivy is also insufferable. Peach is perplexed and goes back to her pink/yellow/boring pallette. Christopher is using a silver and black over-sized rose taffeta and making something that sorta kinda echos the shape of his hat. Tim loves it. Miz Shoes loves it. That’s a kiss of death these days. Michael the Knitwear guy is doing something that looks like corrugated cardboard mated with Edo-era armor. It is beautiful and worthy of his spade-shaped hat. Bluto is doing something awful. Andy is working with heavy magenta satin. Ivy is making something inspired by the fucking privacy curtains in the ER where she had been briefly treated for dehydration. Bitch, please. You have a Philip Bloody Treacy hat to work with, something that the average designer, much less the average American woman of style, will NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS BE ABLE TO HAVE HER HANDS ON, and you are inspired by the polyester privacy curtains? Go home. And while Miz Shoes is on the subject of Ivy, has the woman ever met a color she liked? Give her beige, nude, ecru, sand, greige, ivory and anything else with less than 10% shade to it, and she’ll whimper like my dog begging for a biscuit, but an actual color? Not in her “aesthetic” apparently. Mondo is making something with upholstery-weight double knit in white/black polka dots and gold and black leopard stripes and a purple sateen. It is beyond hideous. AJ is doing a frothy little number in navy and white polka dots. April is making resort wear for Hooville. The concept works with the hat. The execution does not.

At the runway, there is an excruciatingly twee bit involving Heidi, a PT rose chapeau and an audio over of Seal’s Kiss From a Rose. Everyone involved looks embarrassed. Philip Treacy is the guest judge and proves himself to be quietly well-spoken. So.

Photos: 1). A.J. 2). Andy 3). April 4). Casanova 5). Christopher 6). Gretchen

7). Ivy 8). Kristin 9). Michael C 10).Michael D. 11). Mondo 12). Peach 13). Valerie

Photos courtesy of ProjectRunway.com. and collage lifted wholesale from BloggingProjectRunway.com

AJ’s bouffant cupcake. Andy’s magenta Michellin Man. HIDEOUS. He’s so lucky he had immunity, because that is one ill-fitting, badly-proportioned, hot mess. April’s Hooville diaper set. Miz Shoes found it to be a lot less horrible than the judges. The concept was strong and worthy of the hat. El Nino del Infierno made a simple black knit dress. BORING. Christopher ruined a perfectly good tunic by making lumpy grey satin leggings and a top that wasn’t seen except for the crotch which gave the model the look of a full diaper on backwards. Black tights and an armload of bangles, and he could have been a contender.

Gretchen’s too-literal interpretation of the feathers in her hat, and those ugly, ugly, ugly legging with built-in boot/spats. They are so ugly, she might have a career ahead of her designing leggings for Lindsay Lohan. Ivy’s boring beige nothingness. Kristin’s messy mess. Miz Shoes just doesn’t get it. IF Miz Shoes could draft a pattern, she would have looked for striped chiffon, and lime green and made a floaty garden party dress (think Uli-style).

Bluto’s last minute replacement dress is a basic bronze goddess. It’s sort of lovely, even if it isn’t new or exciting. Michael the Knitwear Guy’s understated and simple little broomstick skirt of orange silk and architectural top. Mondo’s bad acid. Peach’s bad Barbie. Valerie’s baby doll dress with a stupid, and she claims David Bowie-inspired bolero jacket. The baby doll dress has a big black exposed zipper in the middle of the back, which may or may not be functional.

The judges have all been smoking crack in the green room again, because they announce AJ, Andy, Mondo, Ivy, Peach, Gretchen and El Nino del Infierno safe. April, Valerie, Kristin, Christopher, Bluto and KnitBoy are the tops and bottoms. The judges savage Christopher’s grey tunic, and send him off stage as safe, but barely. KnitBoy gets love, but not the win (Miz Shoes thinks he should have). Valerie inexplicably gets major love for her baby doll with the handkerchief hem. She’s merely safe. Bluto gets the win and in the green room, the other designers resent him and hate him for it, and talk smack about him pretty much to his face.

Back on the runway, Kristin and April are the last two. April is saved by two things: she HAD a concept and Philip Treacy liked it. Kristin has no such luck, and is sent home. The end.

In case you haven’t read it lately, or are buying in to the various right-wing and tea party arguments about the right of a mosque to be built near the 9/11 Ground Zero, allow me to refresh your memory concerning the First Amendment to the US constitution. It’s my personal favorite, by the way.

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

See, all this blathering about can they or can’t they and is Obama a traitor to America for saying that a mosque can be built on what a very vocal minority thinks is Holy Ground, that’s all bullshit and beside the point. It is really, really simple. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

It’s in the constitution. Separation of church and state. Right to assemble. Right to worship. No right to abridge the freedom of speech or religion. Done and fucking done, you pin-headed morons. If you want to make America a theocracy, you are the traitor to the basic tenets of the Founders. Simple as that.

No official state religion. Not yours, not mine, not theirs. I think a very wise judge just pointed this out a couple of weeks ago in San Francisco: You cannot legislate morality based on your ideals of religious rightness. This whole mosque debate is moot. Any religion can build a house of worship anywhere they want in this country. Within the local zoning regulations, at any rate.

Even Michael Bloomberg, who has had no problem banning smoking in NYC bars, and who turned the seamy underbelly of Times Square right side out, pressed it, cleaned it and made it into a family-friendly Disney park, knows this much: “We do not honor their lives by denying the very Constitutional rights they died protecting. We honor their lives by defending those rights — and the freedoms that the terrorists attacked.” (referring to the men and women who died in the attacks)

In sum, STFU. Mosque, temple, church, mission house, synagogue, Kingdom Hall, stupa, wat, Gurudwara, atashkada, or shrine, any of these can be built in America. Anywhere. Even in New York City.

Before we begin, a final “Ode to Jason”, with apologies to Leonard Cohen.

With Jason gone,

Whose brain to compare to a small hard pea?

Not that I did compare,

But I do compare,

Now that he’s gone.

Thank you. Don’t forget to tip the waitress.

Previously on Project Runway, Gretchen wins, Jason is auffed and Nicholas cries. Now it’s another orange morning in Manhattan. This is no time to be cute. Gretchen is obnoxious, and the other designers hate her already. Model selection, where Gretchen keeps her muse and the two other hangers go home. Party! No, it’s the unconventional material challenge. This year, it’s a party supply store. Tim advises the group that using things that are like fabric (table cloths, wrapping paper, etc) is not loved by the judges. AJ, with his drag queen/Heatherette portfolio is generally acknowledged to have the edge going in. Will he crack under the pressure of expectations? Will Gretchen get her head out of her ass, or has the swelling become so bad that it is now anally impacted?

As has already become usual, Casanova, or as Miz Shoes has now dubbed him, El Niño del Infierno, doesn’t get it. He complains that he cannot make couture from party hats, so he instead buys plush puppies, table covers and anything else that looks like fabric. Gretchen tosses the word “aesthetic” around in every conversation. Bluto (Michael “I’d gladly make couture for you tomorrow for a hamburger today” Costello) is psyched. Mondo and AJ are both going with a birthday theme, but Mondo insists that a quince is different and AJ insists that it isn’t. AJ goes off to tweak his concept. Tim announces that the winner will have immunity. Gretchen continues to swan around the workroom, dispensing unasked for advice, glorying in her own genius and generally getting the bitch edit. Miz Shoes had her pegged as insufferable from the first. Casanova guts the plush puppies and drapes their little fuzzy pelts on his mannequin.

April is game. Mono is wearing yet another pair of outrageous glasses. AJ is back peddling on his claims of being able to design with innovative materials. He just won’t shut up. He’s one of those people who chatters when nervous. Valerie is working in black and white. Sarah’s sketches look a lot like her dress from last week. Same lines. But with cardboard palm leaves. En Nino del Infierno defends his use of plastic table cloths. Andy is making braids from ribbon. Another use of the word “aesthetic”. Gretchen is trying to psych out Christopher. More Gretchen bashing and Gretchen giving the editors plenty to work with on that particular story arc. AJ is panicking. Tim and Valerie bond over love of the Ascot Gavotte.

Andy is experimenting. Kristin is making a bohemian dress, and Ivy calls it a jelly fish. Dis. Kristin has bought bags of Animal Woolly Balls. She also has real balls. Tim prefers the wooly balls. It is just hysterical. Ivy is using mylar balloons. Christopher is making fabric out of his parts. Tim tells Peach that she needs to take the lump of coal she has stuck up her rear end, turn it into a diamond and pull it out. Miz Shoes considers the possibility that Our Mr. Gunn may be on pain meds. Bluto is doing something monochromatic and red. Tim calls it sensational. Sarah has used floral paint on her palm leaves, Tim loves the palette and playful shapes. Schiaparelli, he says. Gretchen hand cut “chevrons” in her fringe. Faux leather from crumpled paper bags. She is so smug.

El Niño del Infierno is troubled because the other designers have told him that he can’t use tablecloths, but that’s all he bought (except for the now-disemboweled plush puppies). Tim says that he never said “couldn’t” use, merely “shouldn’t” use. Did El Niño del Infierno not listen? Oh, he listened, he just, and we quote, “didn’t get the point”. Dude. Yours is not to wonder why, yours is but to do or die. And frankly, he is killing Miz Shoes. Tim tells him to make it work. He tells the room that the concepts are “profound”. Sarah is lost, and Gretchen gives her advice: scrap the pink. Sarah takes Gretchen’s advice. Bitch, please. Did Mr. Gunn not just say that he loved the palette? When the models come in, they are carrying bags of more party crap. For the added twist, the designers have to use the materials in those bags to create an accessory to their looks.

Andy only has his muslin for the model to try on. Sarah’s not happy with her dress, just wants to get it finished. Ivy is running out of time. Andy is running out of time. It’s midnight and there are a lot of unfinished garments left in the workroom as the designers go home for the night. In the morning, Mondo asks his roommates if he should wear a fake mustache or not. Predictably, the only one who responds well to the atrocity is Casanova, who advises that Mondo wear the press-on facial accessory to the runway. Gretchen pretends that she doesn’t think she is going to win again. Valerie says that if she’s in second place again, she’s just going to be the Susan Lucci of Project Runway. That would be Korto, who was robbed twice for the big check, thank you. Still, Miz Shoes recognizes a good line when she sees (and can steal) one, so good for you Valerie.

Workroom before the runway show, and Sarah is resigned to her fate and there is general mayhem about. We see more Gretchen swanning around getting the bitch edit (understandably, sometimes it’s just too easy not to run with the plot line you are handed by the subject…but for those of us in the audience too oblivious to be annoyed by her, there is a long pause on a rhinestone tiara that spells out “BITCH” as Gretchen has a bossy-girl voice over). AJ whips out a fabulous necklace in minutes. Gretchen bosses around the make-up staff. Ivy says, like my face, only professional. Sarah is still waffling. Peach realizes that Andy has genius going on on his mannequin and clearly not enough time to finish, so she helps him. April has also finished her dress, and she comes to his aid, too. Gretchen sniffs about some people have time management issues, but not her and we are off to the runway. Christopher has made this amazing fabric out of napkins and his dress is fragile. Sarah’s doesn’t fit, Andy has made a glove out of a balloon.

Heidi is fabulous in beige and ivory. Challenge review. Judges are Michael Kors, NinaGarcia and a very special guest: Betsey Johnson, who defines the word “fabulous” and deserves her description as icon. Christopher’s dress is a simple little party dress, but he has created the fabric out of napkins. That sentence does not do justice to what he did, though. The base is mustard yellow, but there is something shiny going on, too. Did he fuse circles of mylar tulle onto the base? There are shiny tiny stripes of individual shreds of mylar in purple, gold and teal that he has placed vertically on thethe stripy tulle. It is just an amazing piece of fabric. Stunning. Michael the Knitter sends out a foil skirt and mylar fringe top. Andy’s ribbon dress looks like leather and chain. And has anyone talked about his model Cassie? That girl can work it. AJ’s Hello Kitty flamingo cupcake. Ivy’s petal ballerina/garden party/cocktail dress. Bluto’s flamenco dress. He has used at least three different textured items in the same shade of crimson to make an evening dress. There is crepe paper used as tiers of ruffles from about knee down, above that to the waist are silk flowers? maybe, and the bodice of cut plastic cups that create paillottes, one shoulder and fitted beautifully. This is the first knock-out from him.

Peach has used zebra print, white and hot pink and made a saucy little number with a matching purse. Gretchen’s flapper skirt. She says that she could see herself wearing it. In the make up room, she said the look was “the girl everyone wants to be”. Bitch edit. Hot pink party dress from Mondo. There is a bustier of hot pink plastic plate edges made into armor, and a mini-poodle skirt of darker oranger pink plastic leis. The less said about what Mondo himself is wearing, the better. El Niño del Infierno has also made a flamenco dress, his has alternating panels of dolphin grey “thousand of ruffles” and what used to be a Transformers tablecloth. Bizarre graphics and matte grey. A bodice made of mylar fringe.  Kristin has made a baby doll bodice out of stripes that remind Miz Shoes of Fruit Stripe gum.

There is some sort of green plastic swagging that makes a grass skirt like fringe-y thing. April talks about her Klingon “aesthetic”. Sarah’s sad little dress is sad. She’s just happy that it isn’t falling off. Valerie’s Ascot Gavotte is well-made and graphic.

Peach, Bluto, Ivy, Kristin, Michael the knit guy, Mondo, Christopher and April are safe. They leave. The models come back out. Valerie, Gretchen of course and Andy are the tops, say the other designers. Ivy thinks that AJ and Sarah will be the last two standing. This challenge, the model will be automatically out if her designer is auffed. Valerie explains that she took the judges comments to heart with her styling. MKors says that she’s taken a complete 360. Oh Noes! Mr Kors a 360 would put her back where she started. You mean she made a complete 180. Gretchen deigns to nod sagely during MKors’ critique. Betsey Johnson is whack. AJ says he is inspired by NYC Club Kidz. Heidi says it looks silly, but she loves the necklace. NinaGarcia calls the dress a “hot mess” and AJ says thank you. Heidi gives him a short sharp course correct: That was not a compliment. MKors finds the fringe crotch to be tasteless. Betsey Johnson says that she’d wear it, and that it wasn’t over the top enough. Andy’s dress inspires MKors to say that he could see Heidi and Rhianna fighting over it. He has a very valid point. Betsey says that it is too pretty, and not enough party.

El Niño del Infierno explains why he was too good to use the materials he was asked to use. His model is wearing a plush puppy like a cowl/boa. He should have left the head and feet. That would have had Betsy clawing for him to win. Transvestite Flamenco Dancer at a Funeral. You have no taste. Sarah gives a half-hearted explanation of her sad dress. Heidi calls it sad. MKors gets to the very heart of it and says that it looks like she got so hung up on making the palm fronds work that she couldn’t let go and admit that they didn’t and move on to a new direction. MizShoes spent many years in therapy to be able to do that very thing, and relates to Sarah Trost. Gretchen uses finger quotes around the word “leather”, the top is made from a balloon. NinaGarcia wrote “fabulous”, MKors says that she uses herself as a template and he applauds that. Everyone else loves Gretchen uncritically.

Backstage, Gretchen dominates the conversation and AJ snaps and tells her that she talks all the time. (Miss Pot? This is Miss Kettle.) There is much shushing and eye-rolling and Gretchen says that AJ is just sensitive because he’s in the bottom. Oh, she did not go there, did she? She did. Bitch edit. On the runway, MKors and NincaGarcia ridicule El Niño del Infierno. Betsey says Sarah’s dress could have been more embellished, and MKors speaks up for Sarah, saying that she recognized that she had failed and adding that it takes a lot of strength to admit you screwed the pooch. AJ’s mess was a mess. Valerie’s dress was beautiful, sexy but not vulgar, and well-styled. It was Lovely. Andy’s look was well put together. Well cut. Gretchen’s look would be worn exactly as is by Kate Moss. And this is a good thing? It isn’t entirely unfactual or slang expressin to say that Kate Moss is often cracked-out.

Best. Worst. In. Out. Valerie’s in. Andy, Gretchen, one of you will be the winner. Andy, you’re the winner. Cut to Gretchen looking disbelieving that her minions didn’t recognize her brilliance once again. She leaves the runway. AJ is in. El Niño and Sarah are the bottom two. Casanova, you have no taste. None. Sarah, your dress was sad and boring, you should have trusted your instincts and not listened to Gretchen. The parade float gets to stay, and Miz Shoes’ early-season favorite goes home. Bummer. Air kisses. Bluto cries. He’s sweet. Tim comes in and loves the fabulous show, and Sarah calls him Mr. Gunn. She recognizes that she sent out a bad piece. Wait!!! Ambulances again???? At the Atlas? Someone is unconscious in the hallway. Ivy has fainted. She has to go to the hospital? Valerie says it seems serious and she doesn’t know if Ivy is going to have to go home.

Next week? Philip Treacy? NO FUCKING WAY!!! That is so huge. Miz Shoes lurves the Philip Treacy. We see neither Sarah nor Ivy in the remaining preview, and Miz Shoes wonders if Ivy does go home and Sarah gets to come back…