A caveat, if you will. Unlike the TWP folk, I don’t have TIVO. I recap more or less on the fly, taking notes as I watch the show live. I am surrounded, usually, by the RLA, my three attention-demanding pets and an assortment of Surrogate Daughters and their friends. There is usually alcohol involved, and food. Sometimes I don’t get things right, I only get my impressions. Deal with it, and if you feel the need to correct me in the comments, go right ahead. So, without further ado:

Korto opens the show reliving the glorious moment when she won immunity for this challenge. Daniel2.0 follows by reliving the not so glorious moment when he found himself in the bottom two, again. He vows that, as God is his witness, he’ll never go hungry again. Or end up in the bottom two. Way to curse yourself, dude. Don’t any of you people on reality shows actually watch reality shows? It’s called HUBRIS, and it goeth before a fall. Or an auffing. I’m just saying.

Model selection whizzes by as Korto foolishly keeps her model, and doesn’t steal Shannone. The week’s challenge will be to design an outfit for a glamorous, chic, high-powered professional woman. Stella assumes that would be Sharon Osborne. Sigh. But no, it is Brooke Shields, and they won’t be designing for her so much as for the character she plays on some Sex and the City knock-off that she’s in, Lipstick Jungle. Brooke is described as a fashion icon, author, model and actress. To me, though, she’ll always be the one who fought Tom Cruise over meds for post-partum depression… and won. To Suede, she is still the face/body of Calvin Klein jeans, and he loves her for that. I love the fact that Suede seems to have dropped the use of the third person. Brooke’s character is described as a Studio Executive, married to a musician and living a Bohemian lifestyle. Puh-leeze. Can you throw one more dramedy archetype in there? The ensemble should work as a day-into-night, office to cocktails look.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious says that he has friends who are exactly that, and he is “stoked” to be doing this challenge. Oompa-Loompa-Licious says that he has this one in the bag. (See HUBRIS, above) The designers are given half an hour to sketch, after which they will present their designs to Brooke. She will choose six team leaders, and they will pair up with the remaining designers to create the looks.

Jerell says that he really needs to listen to the challenge this week. And the sky is blue, and lemons are tart, and grass is green. Keith says some bullshit about a convertible sleeve. Kelli wants to design with an animal print because the show is Lipstick JUNGLE. Get it? Jungle? Animal prints? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ms. Obivous. Daniel2.0 is shown sketching and he can really draw. Not only is the design nice, but it actually looks like Brooke. Kiss of death, there, dude.

They present to Brooke in sequence: Suede is told to modernize his look. Kenley is selling a boat neck, and Brooke seems to like it. Terri is showing (another) pantsuit and Brooke loves the pants. Oompa-Loompa-Licious has a Bermuda short ensemble which is questionable, sort of like Oompa-Loompa-Licious. Daniel presents something and Keith presents something, and my notes say that Brooke likes the combination of textures in Daniel2.0’s work, but she may really have said that about Keith. Stella, in another quantum leap away from her usual crap, offers up a leather “cor-SET” (yes, she put the accent on the second syllable). Straight Joe goes by so fast that I can’t take a note. Korto has a palette of orange and lime green and Brooke says that’s perfect. Leanne offers up something that is comfy, yet impeccable? And Jerell shows khaki.

Before Brooke announces her team leaders, but not before they’ve seen sketches, she tells the designers that the winning look will be worn by her on the show next season. Since this is such a huge prize, there will be no immunity.

Terri, who refuses to play to her urban, inner-city stereotype, says “Oh, GURL, you don’t know what you just did.”

Keith is called first, and he gloats about it in an interview. I was FIRSTEST!!!! Then Korto, chosen for the ethnicity angle she spoke to Brooke about and which we didn’t see. Jerell, whose look was young and leggy, and Brooke’s got gams. Kelli is picked, but told to watch the use of the jungle print, that it shouldn’t be too obvious. Terri’s pants are perfect, and she was the only designer to feature pants. The last team leader is…. Oompa-Loompa-Licious. I know. We all groaned. Brooke says that she took a chance with Oompa-Loompa-Licious, and that she wants to see if he can be different without being too shockingly different. (She didn’t notice that he’s an orange little troll?)

To chose their partners, the six team leaders’ names are drawn at random from the velvet button bag. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is drawn first and takes for his partner Leanne. Keith takes Kenley, whom he says is too bossy and opinionated, but that if he can get her to shut up, she can sew. Terri picks Suede. Korto takes Straight Joe and Kelli, with some sadness, opts for Daniel2.0. She says that she loves Stella, but that Stella just couldn’t make what she, Kelli, is going for. Which leaves Stella to team up with Jerell. Jerell shows the most class of any of the designers this season when he says that he wanted Stella anyway, because he wants to use leather and he needs her skill set.

There’s a midnight deadline and a budget of $150 per team. Off to Mood, where Keith and Kenley are getting into it immediately over fabric choices. Kenley has glommed on to some nasty little floral print, and won’t let go. Tim comes over to see what the fuss is, and tells them to keep looking.

Daniel2.0 and Kelli are not happy with each other’s choices, either. Kelli is looking at turquoise/jade green with black lace over it and it looks like ass. When Daniel2.0 tries to tell her that, she shuts him up and he goes back to looking like a sad little puppy.

In the workroom, Jerell and Stella agree that they can both knock out a skirt in no time, and Jerell leaves that to Stella. Kenley is whining about Keith’s design and that she doesn’t like it. Kelli is unhappy with Daniel2.0’s sewing skills and is riding him like a wild stallion.

Suede and Terri are also having issues. Apparently Suede measures everything first and Terri just cuts. Suede has draped the top and there doesn’t seem to be enough fabric to make the skirt. Suede is not happy with Terri’s management skills. Terri is not happy with Suede. Terri says, and I quote “I don’t know what he’s packin’ there, ball or a va-jayjay, but he’s gotta man up.”  Well, alrighty, then. Way to play against type, GURL.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious claims that he’s crazy because both his parents were crazy, then they got divorced and married another set of crazy people. Crazy is in the blood. There’s therapy for that, Oomps.

Keith tells Kenley to redo something. Jerell is confident and Stella is hammering away at some chartreuse leatha. Tim arrives to give the designers a happy surprise: extra time to fit the models. Is this because we’ve seen that there are fitting issues ever frelling week this season, or just to be nice? Daniel2.0 and Kelli are still having problems and issues with D2.0’s sewing skills. The skirt he’s made is described as being half ruched, half not, the skirt itself is crooked and the zipper isn’t set right. It’s awful. Kelli is demanding that Daniel do it over. Daniel interviews passive-aggressively that yeah, the skirt is awful, but it’s also Kelli’s design and he doesn’t much care that it sucks. I feel you, Dannytwopointoh.

Terri and Suede are nose to nose, too. Terri keeps saying that the shirt Suede made is “all jacked up; that everything Suede touches is NOT gold.” Terri is ready to throw Suede under the bus, and the sooner the better. I am a little shocked to say that my sympathies are lying with Suede on this. Tim comes into this drama to check on the designers, and heads over to Oompa-Loompa-Liciousville, where the khaki Bermuda shorts are taking shape. He tells Oompa-Loompa-Licious that this is not going to work for evening, and it might even be a little too casual for business day. Oompa-Loompa-Licious tries to get Tim to say “holla atcha boy”, but Tim merely grimaces stiffly in a death-like rictus of a smile, and beats it out of the area.

Jerell and Stella have truly collaborated and the colors and shapes are terrific. The chartreuse waist cincher is paired with a not-too-obvious leopard print flowy skirt and a sort of forgettable top. To Kelli and Daniel2.0, Tim says that he’s dubious about the look. Well, the look is dubious, so that’s an appropriate response. As he comes to Suede and Terri (still looking daggers at each other) Tim asks why they are concerned with their piece. Terri asks for a reality check about the top that she thinks is so jacked. Tim loves it, so stick a sock in it, Terri. Keith and Kenley are showing a really nice skirt/blouse thing, so Tim rubs Kenley’s nose in her choice of that tacky fabric that she insisted they buy. She has to admit that she was wrong. It’s sweet. For us, the audience and Keith, but not so much for Kenley.

Korto and Joe have an orange dupioni silk tunic on their mannequin. It’s very over sized (kind of like everything else Korto does). Tim isn’t happy and Straight Joe agrees that it looks like a giant sweet potato. This sends Korto over the edge, and she and Straight Joe have to have a time out in the lounge to discuss why he didn’t tell her it sucked before Tim got there. She says that she wouldn’t let him walk into a bus, and that he should have defended his point of view.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious rubs his little orange hands together in glee and chortles over how awesome it’s going to be when he sees his look on the Lipstick Jungle… I’m going to win, my precious, he says.

Kelli and Daniel2.0 make a new skirt and the girls all get together and have a good laugh over the fact that they think that Daniel2.0 wouldn’t know high-end glamour if it sat on his lap and called him daddy. Then Jerell trashes Terri while wearing a stupid, twee and obnoxiously bright green (and too small, sitting on the side of his head) hat. Tim comes in and tells the designers to “appropriately” borrow from the BlueFly accessory rack. Hmmm, do you think somebody noticed how badly the designers are styling the models this year? They are styling themselves badly, too. Oompa-Loompa-Licious appears to be wearing a micro-vest. Leanne has on a huge, folded, pleated, asymmetrical collar that is attached to another mini-bolero thing. Jerell is wearing a white dress over his pants. Stella has on the jacket that matches her Dr. Suess on bad acid stripey leggings, but thankfully not the leggings. All in all, this is a motley crew.

On the runway, the models are not faring a whole lot better. Korto’s tunic has been belted and looks smart. Then the model takes off the tunic and there is a flesh-colored, strapless column dress with a wonky cut out in the back. It doesn’t fit. Anywhere. Kelli and Daniel2.0s ensemble is cut too short on the bustierre thing, so that there is belly showing between the top and the top of the plain skirt. It’s just awful on so many levels, especially the tacky leopard print with the tiny bra-cups of teal. Ick.

Jerell and Stella’s outfit is amazing. The skirt flows, the proportions are great, and the colors and patterns all work. They have put a zebra skin belt over the chartreuse waist-cincher, and it needs to come live in my closet. I know. I can’t believe it, either. Terri and Suede’s model looks like a giant inverted triangle. She’s wearing skin-tight pants, and a flow-y top with a super-wide, ruffled boat neck, and falls to a belted waist. It is reminiscent of the thing she did that won, except it doesn’t fit as well. Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ has made very low rise Bermudas, paired with a jersey top with some strappiness going on at the shoulder/neck/sleeve and a teal Forever 21 cotton top over it.

The teams of Jerell/Stella, Kelli/Daniel2.0, Keith/Kenley and Oompa-Loompa-Licious/Leanne are asked to stay, as they represent the best and the worst. The other designers (who?) are sent away, safe. For now. Brooke tells Jerell that his combination of textures and patterns is perfect. Michel Kors agrees that the silhouette is flirty, sexy and NOT cheap. Heidi loves it. I love it. The Surrogate daughters love it. The RLA loves it. Safe to say that it won’t win.

Brooke is horrified by Kelli’s design. “The shape is the truly unfortunate part,” she says. “It’s cheaper than I thought it would look.” And MK delivers a “slutty, slutty, slutty.” Heidi asks Kelli who should be auffed, should her team lose. Daniel.20, says Kelli without skipping a beat. Daniel2.0 is miffed, and says that he has impeccable, high-end taste, thankyouverymuch, and Kenley about pisses herself laughing out loud at him. What’s so funny,? asks Daniel2.0 with wounded dignity.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious is told that it was a leap of faith to make him the team leader, but that she, Brooke, liked how inspired he was, and how willing to take a chance. But this look is not appropriate for her character. Leanne is asked how she could have let Oompa-Loompa-Licious go so far wrong. Heidi says that the model looks like a woman who got dressed in the dark with no mirror. Schnort. And then, a miracle happens. Heidi asks the who should go question to Blayne, and he says that as a matter of integrity, he should, because he was the team leader. Well played, Oompa-Loompa-Licious.

The judges deliberate a little more, and agree that Jerell and Stella’s work was impeccable (the word of the night) and that they did a terrific job working together. Keith and Kenley made something inspired and sophisticated and completely appropriate for the show and the character. On the other hand, Daniel2.0 and Kelli did what Kelli liked. NinaGarcia is doubtful about either of them having taste. She points out that Daniel has yet to display the wonderful taste he keeps talking about. Of Oompa-Loompa-Licious, the consensus is that he’s a bratty little snot who didn’t listen, and that Leanne has lost her confidence. (And her mind, if you look at that neck warmer.)

Brooke announces Keith/Kenley the winners. Stella and Jerell come in second. Leanne and Daniel2.0 are safe. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is given a stern talking to and left in, and Kelli is sent home, but not before she delivers a sort of snotty exit interview.

Next week is the return of Chris March and the challenge to end all challenges: Dress a Drag Queen. Need I mention that my darling, dearest Paulie of the House of Gallofornia would win that with one hand tied behind his back and the other eating pie? I didn’t think so.

The RLA and I watched the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. It was an amazing feat of engineering, propaganda, visual overload and better commercials than the Super Bowl. Yeah, sure, the adorable little girl was lip-syncing because she had the face, but a less-adorable little girl had the voice. Yeah, sure, the amazing fireworks were computer generated. Yeah, sure, a lot of the costumes on the athletes during the march of the Olympians were almost as awful as the losing designs on Project Runway. And yeah, sure, the POTUS is an idiot who kept looking at his watch, and Laura has been replaced by a robot, not that anyone would notice. And, yeah, sure and really, the talking heads were way out of their depth and kept spouting some really odd things about China, about the ceremonies and about life, the universe and everything, but none of that is what made the hair on my arms stand straight up and heart leap to my throat.

Nope. What brought the chill to my very soul was the fact that none of the precision drills were done by computer. The drums, the marching, the amazing, amazing, amazing kaleidoscopic silk boxes that moved and changed in time to the music, they were all operated by individual living men (I didn’t see any women, but everybody was dressed the same and had the same haircuts, so maybe there were women in the silk boxes or banging the drums). Each act took 2008 people, and nobody worked twice. The talking heads made reference to the artistic director just shrugging off the question, and saying, “we have plenty of people”. Don’t get me wrong, I am not chilled by the sheer numbers. I am chilled by the sheer numbers working in unison with a hive mind. Yeah, this was all friendship and doves and we be one world, mon, but holy shit. If that hive mind turned to military ambition, the rest of the world could just start learning Mandarin.

The RLA didn’t see it. But that whole exercise chilled me and scared me and made me think that maybe this was a message to the globe. And then I had another revelation. With the one-child policy in force for the last thirty years or so, there aren’t any cousins. No extended families. The basic framework of China, the family and the ancestors, has been stripped away. There are no cousins. There cannot be. There are only single family units, and any devotion to anything larger has to be a devotion to the state, and there we are, back at the hive mind. The collective. The Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

My girl cousin admitted to a frisson of fear when the small military display goose-stepped across the field. But that was a function of the goose-step, I think, and not the implied military force. Anyway, I continue to watch, and I continue to marvel at the athletes. But when did beach volleyball become an Olympic sport? And why isn’t the Equestrian competition on a mainstream network? It’s on Oxygen, which, if I recall correctly, is pitched to women. Is it the old stereotype about girls and horses? Because in our house, it’s the RLA who’s been trying to watch the dressage and cross country.

I encourage him, of course, because I luv horsies.

Don’t ask. I got sucked into some nonsensical meme-y thing. Apparently all the kids are doing it. All I know is, I am now raising dragons. Or trying to. Will you please click on my eggs and hatchlings?

Morning has broken, and the girls are waking. Keith is showing off his tats and hard body. Kenley is interviewing that winning and having her point of view understood by people who are important in the fashion world feels good. Good lord, but this group is insipid. Putting the exclamation point on that is a brief shot of the boys’ blackboard where Oompa-loompa-licious has changed the name of his imaginary team to Sex-licious.

We trot off to Parsons for model selection and Kenley is smart enough to keep her model, Shannone, who is, hands down, the best thing on the show this season, model or designer. Heidi is wearing a wonderful, sheer grey blouse with a cascade of ruffles down the center front. I wonder if it’s one of Christian’s pieces.

The designers are sent away quickly, for yet another field trip with Tim. Joe (who is straight and has 2 daughters, remember) is whining about not knowing their destination. Tim is querying Oompa-loompa-licious about the tanning habit. Oompa-loompa-licious says that where other (more normal) people go to the gym every other day, he goes to the tanning salon. Tim points out that this is a huge time commitment. Oompa-looompa-licious is completely blasé about the whole thing, and whines a little about missing his tanning booth.

DESTINATION MOON

Or, to be more accurate, the Armory Track and Field Center, decorated with Project Runway and 2008 Olympics banners. Suede (who thankfully, does not refer to himself in the third person a single time this week, but who, unfortunately reveals other, equally annoying verbal tics) says “Oh. My. God. It’s GI-NORMOUS!!!” (pronounced with a jay and a hard i, like giant)

The designers enter the cavernous space and see a lonely speed skater whipping around the roller derby track on blade skates. He pulls up in front of them and reveals himself to be Apolo Ohno, gold medalist in the ’04 Olympics and winner of Dancing With The Stars. Apolo is as big a reality tee-vee star as he is an Olympian, and I long for the days when athletes were “just” athletes. He’s a wee little fellow, and cute as a bug’s ear. Terri interviews that the boy is HOTT and that “he sold it.” To which I can only add, no shit and duh. Apolo Ohno will also be their guest judge.

The challenge this week is create a look (women’s wear only) for the opening ceremonies where the teams walk onto the field, representing their countries. It is always a fashion show, and one of the more colorful and entertaining parts of the meet. Tim reminds the designers that their design should represent America, and that in real life, it’s a big deal. This year Ralph Lauren has designed the Americans ensembles, and in the past names like Giorgio Armani have designed for their home countries.

Daniel2.0 reveals that he has never watched the opening ceremonies of any Olympics. Oh, great.  The budget this week is $150, and they have until midnight. There is an Olypmics museum at the Armory (who knew) and the designers get to wander around for an hour or two, all by themselves, to find inspiration from the past.

In interviews, Oompa-loompa-licious says that this is “HUMUNGOUS!!!  (which should not be confused with another word for Blayne: homunculus. Joe, who is straight and has two daughters, cackles madly that this is his challenge to win or lose, as he always watches the Olympics and he’s a sportswear designer and he’s straight.

As they go through the museum, and while shopping at Mood, the designers reveal their plans. Terri is going to create something that is classic Americana sportswear (What ever that is. I have visions of square dance costumes and bad stage productions of Paint Your Wagon. I think she meant American sportswear.)

Pop quiz: who says that they will be making some thing that is “bold, fur, progressive, leatha, aerodynamic and like modern gladiators”? Yeah. Right. Stellicous.

Jerell is going back to the 1940s and 50s for suits and blazers. Daniel whines that he’s totally into glamour and that this challenge has nothing to do with him. Is it just me or is there a lot, and I mean a metric shit ton lot more whining this year than in past seasons?

Korto is going to use leather and linen. Kenley has a cobalt blue over-sized plaid. Stellicious has glommed onto some black stretch satin, which she is going to trim with red, white and blue. There is drama as Keith steals Terri’s op-art red and white chiffon. (Where the HELL is my chiffon?) Terri, who will never play to stereotype, delivers a “Oh, no, you DI’N’T!” with a tear in her eye and a straight face. Leanne or Jennifer says that Stellicious’ work looks like a “goth night club”. Stellicious is all “There’s a lot of bikers who watch the Olympics.” Which may very well be, but they are neither the sponsors of same nor are they competing in any sport. Unless boob-flashing, drinking and beating someone with bike chains become Olympic sports.

Tim makes the rounds, gives the designers until midnight to complete their looks, and adds that the winner gets immunity in the next challenge. He does not say “Make it work” but instead tells them to pull the stops out and work hard.

PUMPING IRON(ing boards)

Leanne or Jennifer says that she was a cheerleader because she was a gymnast. Joe (who is straight and has two small daughters who play softball) played football in Junior High, but then everybody else grew and so he never made it to varsity. He took up sewing instead. And yes, he’s straight. Really. Daniel2.0 is going to make a cocktail dress, because drinking (see above about the bikers) should be an Olympic sport. I concur, and there’s a sport where age would have an advantage. I could try out.

Oompa-loompa-licious makes some feeble joke about being an Olympic tanner and that the medals only go to bronze. Ha. Ha. Ha. He’s killing me here. Terri’s making a jacket, pants, bustier and a shirt or a dickie or something. Jennifer is making a little skirt and a short swing jacket with a Peter Pan collar. Stellicious gets teased about her choice of color: “Stella, are you using black because we’re in a depression?” (That, on the other hand, is funny.) No, she says, in her nasal deadpan, because it’s tuff. Keith says he’s doing something playful with fleece and silk. Sounds vaguely dirty to me.

Joe, the straight dude, spends a long time bitching about Daniel2.0 and Kenley having a good time and working together. In fact, this leads to a lot of the designers whining about Kenley’s laugh and the fact that she and Daniel2.0 are getting along. They think that these two are having altogether too much of a good time and that they have no consideration for the miserable demeanors of those around them.

Korto talks about coming to America as a refugee and how America is, to her, a land of hopes and dreams and second chances. She always watches the Olympics and she is using white because she says those teams dressed in white always pop during the opening ceremonies. There’s an awful lot of back story, and I have a moment of fear that we will be going the female circumcision route again. Thankfully, this is not so.

As we head to commercials there is another Bravo poll which ridicules Oompa-loompa-licious and Stellicious. Back in the workroom, with three hours left till midnight, Tim comes in to review. First is Joe, who is working in red, white and blue. He’s making a skort, and he’s created a red and blue zipper by taking a zipper of each color apart, then recombining them. Tim is very impressed by this little detail and says it shows some wit.

IT WAS 20 YEARS AGO

Oompa-loompa-licious is making something. He says he wants to be literal, but clearly has no idea of what literal means, because when Tim doesn’t understand and asks Oompa-loompa-licious to explain his meaning, he says it means athletic. Tim says that rather than athletic, Oompa-loompa-licious’ garment looks a little Sergeant Pepper. Cue the crickets. Oompa-loompa-licious has no idea what Tim is referring to. Tim tells him. Oompa-loompa-licious points to something and says it’s a 1930’s cardigan and Tim says no it isn’t and walks off, but not before Oompa-loompa-licious gets him to say “holla atcha boy” one more time. The surrogate daughters grab the knitting needles out of my hands before I can stab myself with them.

Daniel2.0 is concerned that his cocktail dress is looking a little Superman-ish, and Tim assures him for Olympic athletes, this is a perfectly acceptable reference. Tim is concerned, however, that Daniel2.0 is starting to over-think himself and beginning to unravel…sort of like he does every challenge. Oh, Daniel2.0, eat a cookie. Relax.

Jerell is working with a menswear suiting fabric and is using it to construct a skirt with horizontal stripes. Tim, ever so delicately, points out that they are designing for women athletes, who are muscle-y, and might not want to wear horizontal stripes. Tim thinks the whole look is veering dangerously into Lucy Ricardo-land. As he comes up to Jennifer, Tim says that her work is looking a little matronly, again. There’s a full, pleated skirt in gold and white stripes. Kenley is talking Daniel2.0 out of making a matching bolero.

We cut to the sewing room, where we see Daniel2.0 working away on a machine, surrounded by about a dozen other machines, which are not in use. Joe, who is straight and used to play football, immediately starts in on Daniel2.0 for being on HIS machine. HIS machine is HIS machine because he’s been using that particular machine for a couple of days, and furthermore, had threaded it with white thread before wandering out of the workroom to do something else. Joe, who is straight, is escalating this argument into WAHmbulance territory. Suede does not refer to himself in the third person, but does interview that fighting over machines is “whackadoodle”. MizShoes gets misty-eyed, reminiscing over the good old days when Suede referred to himself in the third person and refrained from using words like gi-normous and whackadoodle. And then, with absolutely no self-awareness whatsoever, Joe (who is straight) interviews that the reason there is SO. MUCH. DRAMA is because there are “too many queens around.”

RUN, RUN, RUN (A)WAY

It is morning in the boys’ room and Jerell is moisturizing his thighs.

It’s runway day and the tension is high in the work room. Kenley and Daniel2.0 are using the same blue fabric, but for some reason, Kenley thinks that Daniel2.0’s is going to look purple on the runway and hers won’t.  Straight Joe has gotten over his little snit enough to say that he’s going to win, because the judges are going to be looking for red, white and blue and he has a background in sportswear. That made no sense, did it?

Also making no sense is Oompa-loompa-licious, who says that Jerell’s picture hat, pencil skirt and secretary blouse look like the fashions on the Titanic. In fact, they look like Dior’s New Look, only tacky and ill-made. Oompa-loompa-licious absolutely no sense of history, fashion or otherwise. Korto says that the room looks like the past, but she looks to the future.

On the runway, Heidi is wearing something, short, shiny and tight and looking fierce. So much for NinaGarcia’s cautionary statement about that combination. We meet the judges.

Korto’s look is a nice vest with some color detail like epaulets on the shoulders and a high-waisted, very well-fitted pant with super-wide legs.

Suede’s got a micro roller skating skirt (in satin)with a racer-back top. Kelli has done something that looks like the 50s (again). Blue pencil skirt with white detailing, secretary/rockabilly blouse with a big, floppy bow.

Joe has made a nice little skort with USA actually appliquéd down the side. The two-tone zippers are a very nice detail. The consensus in the living room is that this works perfectly for the challenge.

Leanne has made some kind of shapeless white top with a huge, fluffy peplum and an ascot-looking red/white/blue collar and shorts. Daniel2.0’s cocktail dress has the buttons from Mickey Mouse’s shorts down the front and looks like a 1960s stewardess uniform. Coffee, tea, or a 100 meter dash?

Jerell has made something truly ugly and truly awful with an absolutely abominable polka-dot hat and has stuck freaking Capri-length leggings under the skirt, just to add a little sartorial insult to sartorial injury.

Stellicious’ black stretch satin looks an awful lot like the crap she made last week: there is a vest, this one belly-revealing, and with semi-cap sleeves, and skin-tight Capri-length pants/leggings with an exposed zipper accenting the crotch. She’s accessorized with an ugly pair of bronze booties from the BlueFly wall. For a hard-core rocker, this look evokes nothing more than the “bad girl” costume Olivia Newton-John wears at the end of Grease.

Keith has made a micro-bubble skirt in a navy/white plaid, and paired it with a white, hip-length sleeveless blouse that has a huge, popped color. This is accessorized with a pair of long scarves: one navy, one red.

Terri’s red, white and blue bustier barely fits, but that problem is concealed by the cascading ruffles of her ascot/dickie/scarf made of the contested chiffon (which appeared nowhere in Keith’s outfit). The white pants are fitted, and have color detailing in the outside seam. The cropped blazer is really cute. Again, the living room is happy with this look.

Jennifer’s Peter Pan-collared navy swing jacket sits over a full, pleated gold and white skirt. It is very, very preppy and very, very cute. It is had nothing at all to do with sports, unless one intends to wear it to a polo match, or to dine on strawberries and cream on the grass at Wimbledon.

Oompa-loompa-licious has cranked out yet another one-sleeved, asymmetrical snooze fest. The pants are skin-tight, the top looks like a Flashdance remake. Kenley has used her immunity in this challenge to make a high-waisted, skin-tight skirt out of her large-scale plaid, which she has sewn on the bias. There is a high-collared white top with a large collar. As the model turns around, I see that the plaid doesn’t match, or even come within a shot-put throw of matching on the center seam.

WE WHO ARE ABOUT TO DIE

Heidi calls out Suede, Kelli, Stellicious, Leanne, Keith, Blayne and Kenley. These are the designers who are safe. The surrogate daughters and I exchange incredulous looks. We want what the judges are smoking, because we can’t believe that the designers who are left represent the best and worst. But the judges say they do, so what do we know?

Terri’s work is praised by Apolo who says that the colors pop and the look is American. Michael Kors says that it’s very Lauren Hutton, 1970s. NinaGarcia says that a team dressed in that outfit would be sharply dressed, indeed.

Jennifer claims that her look was inspired by a track suit from the 20s, but Heidi says that it is neither American nor Olympian. It is not strong, nor does it exude confidence. Furthermore, it is completely missing any athletic component. Well. That’s harsh. Accurate, but harsh.

Straight Joe, on the other hand, is praised for the zipper and the little athletic details. Apolo says that the look is very body-conscious and appropriate for athletes. Straight Joe glows with pride.

Daniel2.0 says that his look is modern. Apolo says that may be, but it is not athletic, at all. NinaGarcia says that there is nothing about the look that says USA and questions the color of the fabric, which looks purple on the runway. MK delivers the best line of the night when he says that the color is the least of the dress’ problems. Where is she from? He asks, putting his note card in front of first one eye and then the other, the Republic of Cocktail Land?

NinaGarcia loves Korto’s use of the super light weight leather and linen. It is, she declares: chic. Heidi loves it, too. Apolo says that it’s unique, comfortable and very modern, very ought eight.

Jerell is wearing something ridiculous: there’s a Nehru hat with stuff on it, and combat boots with his pants legs tucked in and lots of wicketywack on him, which perfectly (?) complements the over-the-top silliness of his outfit. He claims it is unique. MK almost chokes and says something like, yuh, but not in a good way. Apolo points out that it would be more at home on a movie set than in a track and field arena. NinaGarcia calls it Mary Had a Little Lamb. MK gets the last word, and that word is meshuggana.

As the judges tally up the scores, Terri gets all of Michael Kors’ love for sportswear separates. Joe, they say, made it look easy. They all love his athletic aesthetic. There is not so much love for Jennifer. Kors’ says her look represents a prim, romantic athlete who is bashful about her body, or, in other words, Jennifer can’t get past her own issues. About Daniel, they say that if your sport is drinking, the dress was perfect. Schnort. Does this mean I get a dress?

The gold goes to Korto! Huh? What happened to all the Terri and Straight Joe love?

They get the silver and bronze. Jerell is in. Why? The bottom two designers are Daniel, who missed the concept completely and is told that his sad little purple cocktail dress was “slutty, slutty, slutty” (what about the belly-baring stretch satin from Stellicious? That wasn’t slutty enough for you?) and Jennifer, who is stuck in the past as a designer, when the whole point of this show is the future. Needless to say, Jennifer goes home. And as she leaves, she reminds us once again that she was a surrealist. Jen? Honey? Go back to art school, and figure out what Surreal means, because it isn’t a Peter Pan collar. Unless you’ve painted one onto a giraffe… in a bathtub… and called it Pan-Nationalism.

Till next week, let’s keep the scissors sharp.

I recently stumbled across the concept of Otherkins. Wikipedia has a very thoughtful and respectful explanation of what they are, or purport to be. But that’s not me. Excuse me here, but a much more convivial (to me) description is found on Encyclopedia Dramatica, which is itself a much more flippant version of Wikipedia. Allow me to offer you two quotes:

From Wikipedia:

Otherkin are a subculture of people, primarily Internet-based, who identify in some way as other than human. Otherkin often believe themselves to be mythological or legendary creatures, explaining their beliefs through reincarnation, having a nonhuman soul, ancestry, or symbolic metaphor.

Common creatures otherkin identify as include angels, demons, dragons, elves, fairies, vampires, lycanthropes, and extra-terrestrials, among others.

Outside of their own subculture, otherkin beliefs are often met with disbelief.

(You think?)

And from Encyclopedia Dramatica:

Otherkin are pseudointellectuals who believe they are reincarnations of non-humans. Similar to how all furries have their fursona as either foxes, wolves, or blobs of giant penises, most otherkin all believe they are either dragons or elves.

Otherkin differ from furries in that furries like to dress up and pretend, while otherkin believe they really are non-human and don’t usually dress up. Also furries generally pick real (usually furry) animals, while otherkin go for mythological creatures, almost always with wings.

Despite how there’s thousands of creatures from folklore and cryptozoology in cultures around the world, like the humanoid Ebu Gogo of Indonesia (proven real), every single otherkin only gets their creatures from the European mythology, and only the most popular, and only from some modern retelling of a myth that has lost all semblance to the original mythology.

At some point, otherkin lost track of what’s from mythology and what’s made up and there became otherkins based on anime characters (Otakukin) and Hubbard science fiction.

You got that? These are allegedly normal human beings, allegedly educated, and allegedly sane, who fervently believe, with their whole hearts and souls that they are really fairies, elves, centaurs, werewolves and vampires (oh, pardon me—vampyres) trapped in human form. Uh-huh. Right. And all of their past lives involve being Cleopatra or Napoleon.

Now, I’m into the arcane and the cosmic whoozitz as much, if not more, than the next fellow, but I do not believe I am an elf. Nor a fairy. Which is not to say that I don’t believe in fairies. But a five-foot six, 200 pound fairy? Who works in Hot Topics and dresses in mall-goth wear? Not so much. What’s wrong with just being different? Why do we need a second life? I have never fit in, I will never fit in. But I have never had a need to explain my otherness by being an otherkin. It’s just brain chemistry and personality and, if you need a deeper word for it, soul. OK? Just because I see things that others don’t, that doesn’t make me a fairy or possessed of anything other than very fine powers of observation. Or maybe a touch of ADD.

In any event, having heard about them, I cannot stop thinking about them. Are otherkin an American phenomenon? Because that would just reinforce my belief that we are living during the fall of Rome, when decadence rotted the empire from the inside out. Of course, I’ve been thinking that since bars started offering shots from the bartenders cleavage, or funnel shots.

Whatever.

And people, if you are going to vote that none of my suggested names for the little Screaming Yellow Smartie is any good, suggest something better in the comments. Really. I’m begging you, because I got nothing.

Finally, because it seems appropriate to this entry, and because I have no freaking idea why I got started with this: dragon eggs.

Here’s the SmartCar, looking exactly like Pikachu, which, just so you know, will not be her (or his) name. I don’t know what the name will be, and I haven’t figured out the gender, either. But so far, these are the names that are appealing to me, and they are all sort of gender neutral. Feel free to comment, and to offer your own ideas.

Doesn’t it have a cute smile?