I am of two minds about the Large Hadron Collider. My first instinct, as a quantum mechanics wonk and all-round science geek is “WAY COOL!”. I am excited and anticipatory and can’t wait to see the results/read about the science. The other instinct is a little less enthusiastic and tends more towards running around shrieking “Oh my god, we’re all gonna die!” Except that most of the folks trying to convince us all of the second point of view seem to be fundie religious conservatives and UFO abductees and other persons whose intelligence and logic I tend to scoff at in ways both impolite and impolitic. (I love that the scientist is quoted as saying that anyone who thinks the LHC will destroy the earth is a twat.) I have to keep reminding myself that Steven Hawking has given his stamp of approval to this project, and in fact, is waiting to see if it proves a lot of his theories. When we get right down to it, if this science is good enough for Steven Hawking, then it’s good enough for me.

Besides, as a species we tend toward the long-term destruction of the world (global warming, loss of habitat, ozone depletion, over population, food and water inequities among the inhabited areas). Just winking ourselves out by creating a black hole doesn’t really jibe with our modus operandi.

I leave you (hopefully just till the next entry) with this little number: the Hadron Rap. Rock out, physics geeks.

I love John Stewart. And no, I just can’t leave off worrying this particular bone.

It is morning, and we see the designers in their un-natural habitat. Stella is attempting to make coffee. It seems that she has never done this before and is using a giant pot-stirring wooden spoon to measure out the grounds. She refers to it as a tablespoon. I fear for her. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is sticking his little arm in a tiny patch of watery sunlight and attempting to photosynthesize. I fear for him, as well. Suede is complaining that Keith’s auffing has forced him, Suede, into the remaining suite with the rest of the boys and he’s not happy about it. I suspect that they are not happy, either.

At Parson’s, we are forced to endure another week of the winning designer not changing models. There are air-kisses, there are good byes. There is Tim Gunn, coming around the scrim, to tell the designers about their next challenge. They will be designing for a fashion legend. To find out who that is, they must follow him on yet another field trip.

As they walk, they speculate as to who this legend might be. An older celebrity? Oompa-Loompa-Licious hopes that it will be Mary-Kay Olsen, because he lurves her and wants to marry her. Oh, good lord. Does that mean Oompa-Loompa-Licious is straight, or that he wants to borrow her clothes because they wear the same size? Fortunately, this idle chatter is cut short as they arrive at their destination in the meat packing district. They enter a show room. It has pretty colors. It has a stairway made of glass that goes on forever. And descending the staircase is their legendary fashion figure: Diane Von Furstenberg. And descending. And descending. This gives the designers plenty of time to get all worked up, and Kenley lets loose with the tears. Jerell declares it a dream come true.

The challenge? To design a look for her fall collection, which is based on the Marlene Dietrich classic film “A Foreign Affair.” DVF gives them a 45 word plot synopsis, and half of those words are locations. Berlin. Shanghai. Paris. New York. Fabulous. Glamour. Where’s Daniel2.0, now? The designers will be allowed to ransack her workroom and use the actual fabrics she’s using in the fall line. The winner will get their garment manufactured and sold exclusively to American Express card holders, due to their sponsorship of the show, and DVF’s contract with Amex. This gets me a touch excited, because, hey! I have an American Express card. Here’s hoping that DVF makes clothes in sizes larger than Princess Puffysleeves does for Bluefly.

The designers have 15 minutes to grab all the fabric they can from the workroom. Jerell recognizes that this isn’t cheap crap and says that he is in heaven. Kenley cries. Stella can’t reach the bolts of black cloth that she wants and asks Tim to get it down for her. He tells her to figure it out, get someone else to do her heavy lifting, or find other fabric. Terri has glommed onto some black mohair from which she intends to make a jacket, some silk with an ugly, fireworks print and then interviews that she’s got the goods to make a pair of (and I quote, really. RJ went back and forth with the TIVO for at least three minutes to be sure) “sickening” pants.

At Parson’s, the designers have about 10 hours to review the look book from DVF’s fall line, design and construct. Leanne is relieved to have immunity in such a hard challenge, but she’s gunning to win again, any way. Straight Joe is doing layers and anticipates making 2 or 3 pieces. Jerell is doing a jacket, top, skirt, gloves and a hat. Kenley is crying. But she’s also going to do just one piece: a flawless, perfect dress that is the embodiment of 1930s Shanghai. She says.

Suede, who learned everything he ever knew about pre-war Berlin from repeated viewings of Cabaret, is going to do a masculine/feminine mash up with a camouflage-like print dress and a herringbone tweed vest. He interviews in THE THIRD PERSON (A-Fuckin-Gain) that “Suede is just focused on what Suede is here to do…hoping DVF adores it” and makes a widdle heart out of his fingers. There is sudden mass retching as MJ, RJ, The Number Three Surrogate Daughter and I all try not to lose the cosmos MJ has made.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious is working with black and has a pile of neon colored fabric at the ready. He interviews that he is a risk-taker, and he’s going to go out on a limb, and not just make another pair of pants like someone he could name. And he rolls his googly eyes. Speaking of the devil, Terri has made some high-waisted pants out of a tweedy, mens-wear fabric.

Stella, Leanne and Terri take a break to have a snack. Leanne asks Stella what she is going to make, and Stella gets very tight-lipped. She doesn’t want to reveal too much to the competition. Stella interviews that she isn’t telling anyone anything because she doesn’t trust Terri. Terri is badgering Korto about what she’s planning and Korto throws down that she’s making a vest. You wanna make a vest, Terri? Go ahead and we’ll take ‘em down the catwalk and see what happens. I’m thinking that nobody likes Terri.

Jerell is working with a dark blue fabric. Korto is saying that she wants to just blow DVF away. Stella, it turns out, is making a vest, a pair of pants and a cape. How this is different from everything else she’s done is yet to be seen. Straight Joe is working magic with a dusty rose fabric. He’s made a backless, wrapped blouse with a high, Asian-influenced collar and black frogs down the front. RJ and I love it.

Leanne is showing a cropped, oversize trench coat over a long evening gown. Her drawing shows a jacket that is so cropped, it looks like a trench bolero. I’m concerned. More disturbing is Leanne’s spy playing that involves skulking around corners and well, more skulking. Suede says that Suede would love to be a spy, but that the blue hair might be a give away. Terri talks trash about Kenley’s little dress. Kenley is still crying.

Finally. Three hours to go, and in comes Tim for a walkabout. He starts with Suede, who is still delusional about what camouflage looks like. Tim has concerns, Suede has crossed fingers (literally) that Suede is going to Bryant Park.

Leanne’s dress is sublime, he says, but edit the jacket: it looks sloppy. It is nothing like the cropped little drawing. Straight Joe’s Shanghai Lil ensemble is found to be ambitious. Tim is concerned about the amount of work left to do in the time remaining. Korto’s using a black and white print and a lemon yellow for accent. There’s a peek of the yellow along the armholes, and she’s piling it on as an underskirt to her evening gown. Tim first thinks the yellow looks like bra straps, then comes around to Korto’s point of view.

Stella explains, nasally, that she’s doing a pant/vest/cape. Maybe a small shirt? She’s wearing the Stupid Twee Hat of Doom. Don’t these people watch the show? The Stupid Twee Hat is right up there with Not Listening to Tim Gunn in the “guaranteed-to-get-you-thrown-off” category. Nevertheless, twee hat firmly perched askew on her black number one hair, Stella dismisses Tim’s advice that the judges found her work to be less than cohesive last week with this amazing exchange:

“They were clueless. That stylist with the oversized muumuu dress and waistband didn’t know any better.”

“Sorry, Rachel Zoe, we mean that in the nicest way poss..”

“No. I don’t. I meant it.”

“TIME!”

Kenley shows Tim her simple, beautiful silhouette with tears in her eyes. Tim warns her that that very simplicity could go either way for her. Kenley interviews (weeping the entire time) that this is Just. So. Big. She’s never designed for anything more high end than K-Mart or Wal-Mart. It is at this point that I realize that Kenley and Stella have the same, grating nasal voice. Not that K-Mart has anything to do with nasal.

Stella grates on about her perfect vest, which we on the couch can clearly see is not perfect, having fit issues and style issues and technique issues that are apparent to us, even in the soft glow of cosmos. She says that she isn’t going to listen to anyone about this. Knock, knock. Who’s there. Foreshadowing. Foreshadowing who? Foreshadowing that this is Stella’s last day at the rodeo.

We have made it to the morning of the runway show, and are rewarded with a shot of Jerell in his boxer/briefs, and just as quickly punished by a shot of Stella in her skin-tight leathers. In a small mercy, she is not wearing those damned Dr. Suess striped leggings. Hair and make up. Bluefly accessories.

Tim tells the designers to knock those pumps right off of Diane Von Furstenberg’s fabulous legs. Did she pay him to say that, do you think? We all notice that Kenley (who is still teary-eyed) is wearing pretty much the same dress as her model, but with large, fuchsia feathered epaulets. There is debate as we try to figure out if those are the fascinators she is so fond of wearing, or actual sleeve things. We finally agree that we don’t much care, and release the TIVO from its pause. This allows us time to watch the designers panic, diss each other and sew right until Tim shoves them out the door.

The guest judges tonight are Diane Von Furstenberg and Fern Mallis.

Joe’s design comes first, and from the couch, we’re loving the hooded shawl and wrap top. Leanne’s evening gown is perfect 1930s glamour, complete with a ruffle down the back seam. The micro-grey flannel trench coat is a little iffy. Terri sends out a furry trench coat thing, with the usual blah blouse and tight pants. Snore. Jerell’s concoction includes one of those Nehru hats he’s always wearing and a bunch of layers of stuff with a skirt that’s a little too short. Korto’s dress and jacket have lovely proportions and the color just pops against the black and white print.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious has made knickers. Or golf pants. Or something. It’s awful and we quickly move on to Suede’s fur-lined vest and faux-camo evening dress. Stella’s cape is sort of nice, in a British bobby sort of way. The vest and pants don’t fit, though. Last out is Kenley’s simple little dress.

Terri, Jerell and Oompa-Loompa-Licious are sent away as safe.

Korto’s look is free. DVF loves the yellow, and the Shanghai influence in the kimon-style wrap.

A close look at Straight Joe’s design reveals a lot of flaws in the workmanship. A lot. Michael says that the whole thing would land a woman in the “What was she thinking?” column in the fashion pages.

Kenley’s dress was colorful and chic. She stops crying long enough to say “I nailed it, didn’t I?” And the answer is no. Heidi says it’s pretty, but had nothing to do with DVF’s look book. Kenley says that’s because it was missing, and she filled in the blank. Diane very dryly thanks Kenley for her astute assessment of what her line needed. Kenley doesn’t recognize sarcasm when it’s wedged that far up her ass by DVF’s fine pumps. Michael allows as how it was beautifully made, and Fern Mallis likes it.

Stella is taken to task by Kors on the fit of every piece. She doesn’t care. Fern gets in a lick with “Stella wasn’t stellar.”

Leanne wows everyone. DVF loves the ruffles. Fern says that the whole look is a whole lot of good design. Suede, on the other hand, is loathed by everyone. The herringbone and print is derided. The skirt is torn to shreds. Michael throws the “Did she get dressed in the dark?” dish on Suede. Suede sort of whimpers that he didn’t think it was that bad. Suede is wrong.

The final results are: Korto is in. Poor Korto, always a bridesmaid, never a bride. I’m thinking she’ll be in Bryant Park, though. Leanne wins her second challenge, and does so going in with immunity. Way to go, little one. Suede is allowed to stay. That leaves Straight Joe and Stella standing in the spot lights. Straight Joe’s look was confused and the back a disaster. There was too much going on. Stella’s work was three pieces of ill-made crap. The entire look was bad, and she is told to leave. As she bends down to kiss Heidi’s cheek, Stella says that her ego was too big for this competition anyway and she never should have been there.

She goes into the back with the other designers and basically tells them all that she’s thrilled to be leaving and that the judges can all go suck eggs. Tim is only too happy to tell her to pack her bags, and she is more than delighted to oblige. And that, my dear readers, is that. Except for the final, nasal “fuck you if you don’t like my stuff, I’m a rock star” that Stella delivers. I rather think that if Jeffery-the-Pinheaded-Shmoo had been kicked off, this would have been the exit interview he gave. The two of them should get together.

Next week? Terri loses her mind.

I am transfixed by the Stepford Veep and her unwed, pregnant teenage daughter. It’s a train wreck that I can’t stop myself from watching, and of course, commenting on. Cynically commenting upon. And for all the people telling us that the pregnant daughter is a non-issue, to me, it is very much an issue, and only because she represents the failure of one of Palin’s firmest beliefs: that sex education should be abstinence education and no other method or mention of birth control should be addressed. That’s the sex ed Bristol had, and in the words of the LOL cat: Irony? She haz it.

So now, despite historic interviews and position papers and every other damned thing, we, the voting public are asked to accept that there was choice and free will involved in both Sarah and Bristol’s decisions to keep their babies: Sarah’s late-life Down Syndrome Trig, and the TBD spawn of the underage and unwed teen. The lack of logic in the arguments presented would give my old logic professor (Howard Pospesel) apoplectic convulsions.

A. I do not believe in choice (regarding abortion), to the point where, if my under-age daughter were raped, I would demand she carry the child full term.

B. My child is pregnant.

C. She had a choice, and made the decision to keep her baby and marry the father.

If I remember Dr. Pospesel’s class correctly, this is a fallacious argument, because point A states that there IS no choice. Therefore, point C can only be to carry the child. Unless they are saying that the choice portion was the intent to wed.

And just for good measure, the age of consent in Alaska is 16, which means that there is no cause to charge the baby daddy (who is over 18) with statutory rape.

But let’s just throw a few more links on the bonfire, shall we?

Book Banning? She’s all for it.

The oil boondoggle that’s lining Alaska’s pockets.

Maverick or Neophyte?

Privacy, Pregnancy and the Double Standard

The baby daddy.

RJ is particularly on point today, too.

And no evil, bitchy, inappropriate mud-slinging would be complete without the Rude Pundit’s take on the whole mess.

Sarah Fucking Palin?

That’s all you got? Are you kidding me? A creationist fundie with a suspect fifth child? Who defers to her husband, the oil-man?

Do you really think women are so stupid as to confuse this prom queen with Hillary Clinton? How utterly demeaning and dismissive to women is it to think that we’d not notice the basic differences between this twit and Hil? Thinks birth control is the same thing as abortion? Thinks that drilling in the Arctic Wilderness is a cure for oil dependency? Thinks unlimited and unending war in Iraq is a good thing? Thinks that being a hunter is the same thing as being an environmentalist? Thinks that

intelligent design should be taught in school?

Yeah, dead ringer for our Hillary, there. What? Do the Republicans honestly think that women will be eager to vote for anything with ovaries and a vagina? Like that’s the be-all and end-all of our concerns?

And good luck with the links. This woman’s web trail is getting scrubbed on a minute-by-minute basis.

ETA: More on Palin’s judgement/circumstances of her last child’s birth.

Well, fresh off the drag show, what could the Powers That Be at Project Runway give us that could be any better or even as good? We’ll find out soon enough. Open on a yellow/green Manhattan newsstand, with a shot of Elle Magazine. One of the Olsen trolls is on the cover. Yawn.

Kenley interviews that Daniel2.0 was her bestest friend among the designers and she’s sorry that he’s gone. Keith interviews that he doesn’t know how to behave being in the bottom two. (Miz Shoes says that Keith could have ended that sentence five words earlier.) Keith wants to change the way the world dresses. Keith has delusions.

We quickly get to model selection and Straight Joe wants to keep peace in the model world, so he keeps Carpacio/Topogigio. Jermaine and Elana go home. Heidi tells the designers that they will find their next challenge on the roof of 142 W. 31st Street. The designers sit there and wait for more information. What they get is a Teutonic MACH SCHNELL!!!

As they walk, the designers speculate. What crazy superstar will they be designing for? What crazy rooftop style? says Oompa-Loompa-Licious. (Hint to RJ, you don’t have to type his name every time, just do a copy and paste. That’s what I do.) Korto thinks that maybe they are going to Mariah’s penthouse. On West 31st? What crack are you smokin’, woman? The building turns out to be a parking garage, and this leads the designers to think that they are going to a party. I know that’s what I think every time I walk into a parking garage. I think PAR-TAY!!!! Or not. I’m just sayin’. The big-ass industrial elevator scares them all. What a fucking bunch of panty waists this group is. God. You know who wouldn’t have been scared by an elevator? My dearest, darling friend Paulie of the House of Gallofornia, that’s who. And no, I’m not letting it go.

Up on the roof is a line of Saturn hybrids, Tim Gunn and Chris Webb, who is introduced as the lead color designer for Saturn. They plug the Vue and tell us that 85% of the materials used in manufacturing the vehicle are recyclable, and since the designers all sucked using unconventional materials from Gristede’s in the first challenge, they are getting a do-over this week, using the raw materials from Saturn. They have 4 minutes and a push cart to do their best to strip the materials they can use from the cars. And as interesting as it would have been to give them crowbars and torches, all they have to do is open the cars and piles of raw material falls out. They scramble, except for Stella, who monotones nasally that it is embarrassing to rush around, and she isn’t moving. She is also less than inspired by ALL THE FUCKING PILES OF LEATHER. God. The woman is just never satisfied. All she wants to work in is leather, so when she gets it, she complains.

Terri is having a panic attack, and Kenley is bitching that these are things you make cars from, not clothes. No, I don’t know what her point was. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is snatching up seat belts. Straight Joe reminds us that he is from the Motor City and that he is straight, and that he has immunity and therefore, he is loving this challenge.

Jerell has taken a pile of dashboard decals, the cutouts that detail the intrument panels. Baroo? Suede uses the “word” whackadoodle, but does not refer to himself in the third person. It’s still not helping with his curb appeal, if you know what I mean. Leanne admits that she is clueless.

Back at Parsons, Tim tells the designers that they have till midnight and the winner will get immunity. Tim reminds them that the key to winning this challenge will be innovation. He exhorts them to have fun. Korto is clueless. Straight Joe is still into it, and has a carburetor. That’s … interesting. Keith continues to bitch and moan about how the judges have no appreciation of his fabulous designs and that he’s getting tired of sending out this magnificent work only to have the judges ignore him. Keith considers himself to be a pretty special snowflake, doesn’t he?

Suede goes back to referring to himself in the third person AND uses “whackadoodle” AGAIN. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Suede. Stella pouts and decides that using leather would be too predictable for her, so rather than do something fabulous and amazing and true to her vision and skill set, she decides to make something “pretty”. Judging by how she dresses herself and how she works her hair and makeup, I’m guessing that Stella and I would have very different definitions of pretty. We’ll see. Suede talks about some more dead relatives. Getting as old as the use of whackadoodle, there, sport.

Keith has stopped whining long enough to design a pencil skirt, although I would debate whether design is the right word when speaking of a straight skirt. I mean, it’s a straight skirt. And tight. That’s sort of the definition of a pencil skirt. There is nothing to design. Cut a pattern for, drape, maybe. Design? Not so much.

Korto is weaving the seatbelts into a heavy fabric, and she is going for an everyday coat. Kenley is sneering at the other designers who are using seatbelts. She claims that she is being innovative because she’s using a magic marker to draw a zebra pattern on the air-filters that she’s using to make a peplum. Didn’t Kelli do that with bleach and coffee stains on the vacuum cleaner bags in the first challenge? Oh. Sorry. Persistence of memory is a bitch. Sort of like Kenley.

The industrial sewing machines in the Parson’s workroom are having a hard time on the truly industrial materials, and tension is going off, threads and needles are breaking. Oompa-Loompa-Licious decides to sew by hand. He’s making a princess line dress out of the seatbelts. It actually looks like a dress. And it actually looks sort of nice. Huh? Does Oompa-Loompa-Licious actually have some design chops?

Jerell says that the other designers are having problems, but he’s just whistlin’ Dixie. I’ll let RJ speak to that issue.

Stella has ripped open a headrest cover and is calling it a helmet. She says she’s going to use it on her model for the runway. She says it looks like Planet of the Apes. She sticks it on Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ head, and he does a pretty good Darth Vader “LUKE, I’m your father.” Despite myself, I find him cute and funny at that moment. The Number Three Surrogate Daughter and the RLA both rush to slap me back to consciousness.

Tim comes in with the models for fitting, and tells Kenley that her model, Shannone, had to drop out, and that she’s being replaced by Germaine. Kenley pitches a fit, and whines at a level that would do Keith proud. Kenley claims that Shannone bailed on her and Jerell (it’s off camera, but I think it was Jerell) says that Shannone probably got a real job that paid real money, and that it is hard to be a model in New York. Kenley sympathizes with that and says she was sorry for being such a self-involved bitch. Actually, she doesn’t. She says that this is all about her and she has a right to be pissed if she wants to be.

Tim does his turn around the workroom. Oompa-Loompa-Licious says “Hi, Timlicious” and Tim looks like he has a toothache. He is as surprised at what Oompa-Loompa-Licious is working on as we are. Jerell has taken the car seat leather, but turned it inside out so that he’s working with the rough, suede side. He’s using the decals and lining them with black leather. It’s sharp.

Korto has made a swing coat. Tim tells her not to loose the 60’s mod sophistication. Leanne’s is well-executed and has a very daring silhouette. She has taken bits of either seat belt, or fabric seat cover, made tiny swatches and frayed the edges to create an eyelash fringe. It’s pretty amazing (ahem, KEITH). Speaking of whom, Tim visits him next and is bored senseless by Keith’s whining and blahblahblah, clean look. Tim escapes the workroom with a final word of advice: “Don’t lose your trajectory.”

Terri interviews that Korto’s sleeves are awful and that Korto’s work is awful and that it looks like some horror movie or another and cracks herself up to the point that she’s rolling around on the ground. Jerell says that “Terri’s got two faces and four patterns. Don’t trust the bitch.” Well said, Jerell. And, sting. In the sewing room, Keith is being a pissy little bitch to all and sundry, enough so that the other designers opine about his ability to handle stress. And it’s night. Cut to the Atlas/Gotham, where ever the hell they live these days.

Stella is talking to her boyfriend Ratbones. Rat. Bones. Yeah, I know. I can’t. I’m just gonna let that one lie where Jesus flung it.

Morning of the show, and Korto says that if she’s called in the bottom three, then it is on. She is not going without a fight. But with whom would she fight? Would she pull off Terri’s rat weave? Would she kick Heidi in the knee? Slap the orange right off of Michael Kors? Have a throw down with NinaGarcia? This could be fun, except that I like Korto and don’t want her gone, just yet.

Tim comes to the work room and tells the designers to work like there’s no tomorrow, because you know, for one of you there won’t be. Nice. I think that Tim’s over this group, too. Keith’s got some major fitting issues with his model and tells her not to sit down. Then she heads off to hair and make up. And comes back with ten minutes to show time. She has, in fact, had to sit for the stylists, and Keith just unravels. I ask her to do one simple thing, he shrieks, and she can’t even do that. Well, you know, if you are 6 feet tall, it is a little difficult for someone to do your hair if you are standing up. Think about it, do-rag boy. Stella is back in her Dr. Suess on bad acid leggings. Please make them go away. 

The Bravo poll is who would you rather hop in the back seat with: Oompa-Loompa-Licious or Kenley or all of the designers. The consensus in the Casita de Zapattos is that there should be a none of the above, or death option. The smug, naked bitch is still naked and advertising BlueFly. Come on, buy something already, skank.

On the runway, Heidi is wearing a short, shiny and tight little dress by Rami of the Heavenly Arms. We have two guest judges today. Sitting in for NinaGarcia is my old favorite Laura Bennett, who is still fabulous, and who was robbed. That grey and chartreuse gown still needs to be hanging in my closet. Our other guest judge is Hollywood stylist to the stars Rachel Zoe, the woman who single-handedly made most startlets orange and carry a handbag larger than Tom Cruise.

Jerell’s look starts the show, and the hair and makeup folks have taken his futuristic look and run with it. She looks amazing, and the cutouts and decals and suede have combined into a nice little dress, very modern and wearable.

Keith’s halter top and pencil skirt don’t even deserve this many pixels. Terri has made…wait for it…. tight pants! (that would be pattern number 1, eh, Jerell). Kenley’s design is a black leather halter top with an air filter peplum over a pencil skirt. Leanne has made a bubble skirt? A skirt with hip bustles? A very daring and exaggerated shape, and a tight bustiere with that seatbelt fringe along the sweetheart neckline. HOTT!

Suede has made a bustiere from the floor mats, and a short, silver fringed skirt from the sun shields. It actually looks like something Keith would have made, if Keith could make an actual fringe as opposed to swatches. Korto’s coat looks amazing. I don’t know how much steam she used to make it flexible, but it looks like a million dollars walking down the catwalk. Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ dress fits like crap, which is unfortunate, because for the first time in this competition I can actually see what he was attempting. He’s shattered a rear-view mirror to make spangles, which he’s applied to the neckline. The princess seaming could have been attractive and stylish, but it doesn’t fit the model, and as she moves, the gaps and fitting issues move with her, now gaping in the arm pit, now bunching at the breast. Straight Joe has produced a sort of motocross dress and done some color blocking. He’s the only one to have found red leather, and he’s used the part that says “VUE” as a sort of breastplate. It’s a very clean, very automotive look, and I can absolutely see this at an auto show, on the salesgirls as they stand on a revolving platform pitching the new model year offerings. I was right. Stella and I do not have the same idea as to what constitutes pretty. She’s made a mummy wrap/pencil skirt and topped it with one of her usual racer-back leather vests. Ho-fucking-hum.

Terri, Suede, Straight Joe and Kenley leave the runway, safe for another week. Oompa-Loompa-Licious, Jerell, Keith, Korto and Leanne wait for the axe to fall on one of their dreams.

Jerell’s futuristic look with the resin molding is hailed by Rachel Zoe for his tailoring, and his styling is loved by Michael. Heidi thinks it’s wearable.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious is called out for his fit by Laura (who would know about fit and evening gowns). Michale hates the carwash hem, and Rachel says the whole thing is the wrong length.

Korto is lucky that Rachel, Laura and Heidi don’t rush the stage and engage in a little hair-pulling over who gets to take the coat home. They all want it. Even Michael says that it has great, restrained drama. And it does. And not to be a nay-sayer here, but it also has the same damn, oversized silhouette that she always shows. Which is nice the first four or five times you see it, but is starting to get stale.

Leanne has the judges in fits over her innovative and risky look. Words like “chic” “interesting” “FAB-ulous” “well-crafted” and “beautiful” are tossed at her like confetti. Remember Thing 2 or Thing 1 who used to say that she was all Holly Golightly meets Salvador Dali? and who was as boring as dry dust? Yeah. Bitch. THIS is what goes with that description, not the crap you were putting out.

And then there’s

Keith. He starts by saying that he didn’t want it to look like car parts. Rachel notices that there is a big hole in the back of the skirt. Was it intentional or bad sewing? Laura says that there doesn’t seem to be a concept anywhere. Keith says “You should have seen my other designs.” Laura gapes, smiles politely, if somewhat frozenly, and says “Excuse me?” Keith takes the opportunity to rage against the machine. He’s been sending amazing work down the runway, and nobody has appreciated it. His model sat down. Michael Kors is a mean old meany. “There’s criticism and then there’s insult,” Keith grouses, “and last week I was told my dress looked like a chicken.” Michael tells him to put on his big-boy panties and sack up, ho.

The poll results are back and a full 37% of voters want to hop in the back seat with all of the designers. Presumably because they can stuff them into the trunk if they fold down the seat? The judges deliberate and Heidi, Rachel and Laura do a quick rock, paper, scissors to determine who gets Korto’s trench coat. Then the producers tell them that it’s the property of the show and to get on with the voting, already.

Jerell is in. Korto is in. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is in. Leanne is the winner. Pretty good for the drab little girl who said she was clueless as she looked at her materials. This leaves Stella and Keith in the bottom two. Stella’s look was boring, too simple and disconnected. Keith had a chance to be innovative, but he was boring. And he blamed the model and the judges for his failure. And he was a pissy little bitch. Keith is sent back to Salt Lake City. Keith cries like a baby and says that his biggest disappointment (other than going back to SLC) is that he’s being sent home for something that wasn’t even his vision. Really? Did SATAN put it in your head? Did SATAN make you sew that crap? No? Then I guess it was yours. Own it, you big baby. And p.s., loose the bandana head bands. Really. You’ll thank me one day.

Next week, legendary designer Diane Von Furstenberg, the woman who invented the wrap dress, comes to torture the designers. It could be fun. Or it could be as exciting as a freaking wrap dress.