We open on the Atlas, where the usual suspects are doing the usual things. Suede is being an ass and interviewing in the third person that Suede will be clawing and scratching all the way to Bryant Park. As the boys head out, we see the final goodbye from Oompa-Loompa-Licious “I will miss youlicious” and I realize that against all odds, I will, in fact, miss the little orange troll. He was, in the final analysis, sort of sweet, if not deluded about fashion.

Speaking of delusional, Kenley is tossing her fascinator and declaiming to the cameras that she has NO IDEA how she ended up in the bottom two last week, because she was the only one who EVEN CAME CLOSE to being avant garde and she is the shit and everyone else is the pits. Flounces all the way to the Parson’s runway where we meet up with Heidi and the next challenge.

Heidi has special ladies for the designers to meet. Out come a bunch of middle-aged and none too stylish women. The designers begin to choke and freeze. HA-HA! sez Heidi, gotcha AGAIN!!! These are not the women you’ll be designing for, these are their mothers. You will be designing interview/work clothes for their daughters, each of whom has just graduated from college and is about to go out into the work place for the very first time. This is a Trésemme make-over challenge, and their hair will be done for them, too.

The magic button bag comes out and the designers and daughters are paired up at random. There is a $100 budget, a half hour to meet with the clients (both mother and daughter are the client) and two days to sew.

Kenley is delighted to discover that her girl (Anna) has just gotten a job as an accessories buyer, she delights in vintage clothing, and has no discernable taste: she’s JUST LIKE KENLEY!! Which means that Kenley is going to make another of her 1940’s frocks. In a ghastly floral pattern. Quel surprise, non?

Korto has confidence that she can relate to her model, because she (Korto) is a “hip mom”. Her girl is Megan, and she works in a bio-lab. She likes green. Jerell finds out that Caitlin is a designer, and is tall and thin and prefers to dress androgynously, just like him! It’s another match made in heaven. Leanne’s Holly is off to be an elementary school teacher, and she needs to look older than her charges. Her mother is a tough, critical bird and tells both Leanne and Holly that Holly wants a dress.

Avital is a photographer, and she wants Suede to make her something she can wear to work and then out to play: pants. Suede says that pants are not Suede’s thing. Avital does want something a little femme. Our last girl is Laura, and she’s working with Straight Joe. She doesn’t have a job, yet. She wants something that will suit the office, but still be sexy. She’s one of those.

Korto tells us that she’s going to pick up some “leatha” at Mood, and that now that Stella is gone, she, Korto, is the queen of leather. Suede tells us that Suede wants to find a Pucci-esque print, but in purple. Then Suede tells us that Suede DID find purple pucci print. Oh My God!!! Suede needs to find a new schtick before MizShoes finds out where Suede lives, is all Miz Shoes is saying.

We find out that Straight Joe’s first job was as a stock boy at Gucci, and that’s where he got bitten by the fashion bug. And then we have a commercial for Top Design, where former Project Runway contestants are involved in some form or another. I had the sound off, so I don’t know what way. Look! There’s Andre. And Sweet Pea, awww. And there is Jeffrey-the-Pinheaded-Shmoo, and even though I never thought it would, in a million years be possible, he is more heinous than ever. He’s wearing a mod haircut (and by mod, I mean fucking 1960’s Carnaby Street shaggy do) and has grown a porn ‘stache that looks like he stole it from Frank Zappa’s dead body. It is a particularly creepy sort of Fu Manchu. I am prevented from stabbing myself with my knitting needles by the quick reflexes of the Number 3 Surrogate Daughter. Pass the eye bleach then, child.

Back at Parson’s, Jerell is excited by the challenge and the girl he’s working with. Jerell’s first job was as a fry boy at Mickey D’s. He got lots of free food, and bad skin from working the fryer. I’m growing quite fond of Jerell. Suede is making a jacket first, because Suede does not want to make pants.

The clients come in for a look-see and Suede’s girl and her momma think that Suede’s work isn’t edgy enough. Straight Joe’s girl hates on the men’s wear pinstripes he bought. But it all fairness, it would look flawless on Tim Gunn. Kenley is so busy telling her client how fabulous her work is, and how utterly charming the raggy old fabric is, that we can’t tell how her client feels. But Kenley is happy, so all is right in Kenley’s world.

Jerell endears himself to me a little more by interviewing that Kenley can make a hell of a 1950’s dress, but that her talent starts and stops right there.

Leanne’s mother daughter pair aren’t happy with Leanne’s work. They are quite vocal and clear about that. Like, start over again, kind of clear. Suede is making a dress, not pants, and he is just going to sell it to his client, because Suede doesn’t do pants. (Doesn’t or can’t?)

Kenley then starts trashing Straight Joe’s suit, to his face. Jerell piles on a little, when Joe says that the girl can accent with pocket squares. Who the hell has pocket squares (other than Tim Gunn?). Kenley gives Joe a little rag of her floral and she and Jerell just fall over from the hilarity.

Day Two

The girls come in without their Mommies, and things go better for the designers. Korto’s jacket, which is a sort of hempy/burlapy fabric, is tailored to within an inch of it’s life and it works over a green floral that has overtones of a Diane von Furstenburg wrap. Holly (without her mother badgering on about it) loves Leanne’s dress. Avital loves that ugly purple disco frock that Suede has made. It has braided straps across an open, asymmetrical back, and it’s snug.

Miz Shoes used to work in a commercial photography studio, did you know that? Yes. And I worked as the photographer’s assistant on shoots. Hauling equipment cases, tri-pods, light stands, reflectors, film bags, and camera bags. Let me just tell you right now, the only thing you wear as a commercial shooter is jeans. Or overalls. Or leggings and a giant shirt. You do not wear a fucking dress. There is no way you can scramble over the equipment, haul, tote, tug, carry, crouch and crawl in a fucking dress. Unless, to speak ill of the dead, you are Linda McCartney (nee Eastman) and you are shooting Warren Beatty while wearing a mini-skirt and you have chosen to go commando that day. Or so the old rock and roll rumor goes. Avital is no Linda Eastman, either.

Gather round! says Tim, and the designers all groan. It seems that they think that it is never a good thing when Tim asks them to gather round. But in this instance, it is merely Jeannie Syphu, the lead stylist for Tresemme, who is going to work with the girls on the hair portion of the make-overs. And guess what? The winning look will get a photo spread in Elle magazine. Whoo-hoo!!!

Now it’s time for Tim to do his walk around. Suede’s jacket is whackadoodle, to use Suede’s own word. The sleeves are not the same length, and the pockets aren’t even. And it’s fugly all the way around, but Tim doesn’t really go there.

Tim thinks that Straight Joe has made something for a lawyer, not a designer, but Joe says eh, a job interview’s a job interview, and doesn’t listen to Tim. There is a sudden out break of eye-rolling and sighing in the Casita des Zappatos.

Tim has nothing to say to Jerell except that the look is stunning and to be careful with the excess fullness in the jacket. Then he moves on to Kenley. He picks his words carefully with her, and tells her that it’s a cute enough dress (even though we’ve seen it before) but that maybe the tulle that is sticking out of the bottom about 5 inches deep all around could be NOT sticking out?

Kenley flounces into a confessional where in she says that Tim Gunn does NOT understand her design aesthetic. She is not gonna listen to that. She has never and will never change one damned thing for Tim Gunn. Hummph.

Straight Joe has daughters, you know, and he is on Project Runway to show them that you can live your dreams, blahblahblah. He also has an insight into the mother/daughter dynamic: it’s the 8th wonder of the world, he says. You will never, ever, ever get them to agree on anything. (Not true. Mummy had exquisite taste, and always bought me things that were divinely flattering and taught me how to dress myself to accentuate the positive. She was a fine clothes horse and the daughter of another, my Grandpa the tailor.)

Back in the dorms, Suede is waxing rhapsodic about his boogie nights dress to the other boys, and Kenley is holding court on the girls’ side with her wisdom and opinions about Suede: he’s a poseur. He has no talent. He has no right to be there. Suede’s particular problem, she feels, is his inability to bend his design sense to meet the challenges. “He can’t change.” A-hem. Miss Pot? I’d like to introduce you to Mr. Kettle. I think you’ll find you have a lot in common.

Runway Day

Joe’s girl likes the suit once she puts it on. So does Joe. That makes two and that may be the total number of votes for the pin-stripes. The fit is not flattering, to say the least. Kenley has given on of her fascinators to her client. Loud retching from the vicinity of the Casita des Zappata’s couch.

Jerell is wearing a huge acorn cap on his head. Or a bunch of dead leaves. Or a portrait hat made of velvet petals. I’m not sure. He says that Suede’s dress looks like 1992, and “that is going to work against you, my man.” I can’t stop staring at the thing on Jerell’s head.

Pop quiz: who said this: “I’m confident and I’m not impressed with anyone else’s work. I’m going to be in the top three for sure.” If you guessed Kenley, you probably find her as obnoxious as I do. On the runway, Heidi looks ravishing in a dark green Rami-of-the-Heavenly-Arms short, tight but not shiny dress. Our guest judge tonight is Cynthia Rowley. She’s wearing a necklace of leather oak leaves. She and Jerell must shop at the same forrest.

Straight Joe’s suit comes first, and again, the fit is awful. Leanne has made a cute little jacket to go over a darling little dress with a flippy skirt. Jerell’s high-waisted skirt and over-sized cardigan are amazing. Tilda Swinton would kill for this. Korto’s jacket is a masterpiece, and works nicely with the green print dress. Suede’s 1980’s disco dress and sloppy jacket, meh. Kenley’s poofy-skirted, tight bodiced same old same old is belted a wide pink belt that looks like the girl’s skin. Kenley says that it’s perfect.

Heidi calls up Kenley for the first review, and just laughs and laughs that Kenley has gotten herself a little “mini-me to dress.” I’m thinking that Heidi likes Kenley about as much as I do. NinaGarcia rather unenthusiastically agrees that in this instance, it is a cute look. Michael Kors says that it’s a case of the right dress and the right styling for the job of an accessories buyer.

Straight Joe’s interview suit does not go over as well. Cynthia asks why a suit? Miss Kors says that it looks like a 60-year old’s idea of what a girl should wear to an interview and Kenley loudly guffaws at Joe’s discomfort. Charming gal. The suit is just too clichéd, the judges all agree. They also agree that Korto’s work is solid and stylish and perfect for a 21-year old. Cynthia Rowley loves the jacket (as well she should) and NinaGarcia points out how well made it is.

Leanne isn’t getting the love from the judges, at all. They demand that the jacket come off, and then the dress is approved. They hate the jacket and call the look matronly. But Jerell’s androgynous separates are back in the love column. Cynthia finds the whole look perfect for the girl’s body type. There is much, much love.

And then there is Suede’s photographer. Michael Kors just about topples out of his director’s chair when he hears that she’s a shooter. Cynthia says if you want something that goes day to night in that profession, you need to go home and change your clothes. Woof. NinaGarcia just says that the awful jacket is the merest tip of the iceberg of the problems inherent in Suede’s work.

Jerell, Kenley (dammit) and Korto are the top three, Joe, Leanne and Suede are in the bottom. The judges allow that Kenley’s design worked even though it was looking backward, stylistically, but for who and what she was designing for, it was deemed appropriate. Korto’s work is (as always) perfectly tailored and expensive looking. Jerell’s is the perfect expression of sophistication for a 22-year old girl.

Over in failure-land, Suede’s look was from another decade. Leanne’s dress was frumpy, and Joe’s was out of a time-capsule from the day of “Working Girl.”

Korto is robbed of yet another win, and sent backstage with a “you did well, and you’re in”. Kenley is in and completely pissed that she didn’t win, and sweet Jerell and his acorn cap are the winners. Jerell is over the moon, and says that it’s doubly sweet because it’s two in a row. Leanne is in because she’s good. That leaves Straight Joe and Suede in the spot lights. Joe took a beautiful girl and aged her 25 years. Suede made something impractical, overworked and dated. Joe goes home to his wife and daughters, proving once more that fashion is no place for a straight guy. Suede gets to stick around and annoy us for another week.

Next week we hear Kenley say “What does Tim Gunn know?” Here’s hoping that’s the last thing she says before she leaves.

In Nazi Germany, a Jew Catcher was a Jew who, in exchange for a little food, or a few months or years of life, would turn in their fellow Jews to be sent to the death camps. The most famous Jew Catcher was Stella Goldschlag.As inconceivable as her story may be for some, for others it was just survival… survival at the cost of her fellow man, but you know, survival. In her defense, she originally worked for the Nazis to save her parents. It didn’t work, they were eventually deported and killed, as was her husband. And she ultimately committed suicide in her old age, but you know…

I believe that Sarah Palin is the feminist equivalent of Stella Goldschlag. She would use her position as a woman of power to prevent other women from ever getting that power. She would help overturn Roe vs Wade. Why do I believe this to be true? Her politics and her religion. Here is an excerpt from an essay about that religion. You can find the whole article here.

Palin enjoys the enthusiastic backing of the Christian right because she is blindly obedient to the male hierarchy. She does not question. She submits and obeys. Her views on abortion and marriage, on the Middle East, on gays and the war against Islam are precooked. They are handed to her by men who claim to speak for God. And in power she would be the perfect conduit for an ideology that seeks, in the end, to eradicate individual moral choice and replace it with subservience to a terrifying Christian fascism.

On another note, this came over the transom yesterday, and I think it’s a wonderful idea. I pass it along to you, now and encourage you to make a donation.

Dear Friends:



We may have thought we wanted a woman on a national political ticket, but the joke has really been on us, hasn’t it? Are you as sick in your stomach as I am at the thought of Sarah Palin as Vice President of the United States?

 

Since Palin gave her speech accepting the Republican nomination for the Vice Presidency, Barack Obama’s campaign has raised over $10 million dollars.  Some of you may already be supporting the Obama campaign financially; others of you may still be a little over the primaries. None of you, however, can be happy with Palin’s selection, especially on her positions on women’s issues. So, if you feel you can’t support the Obama campaign financially, may I suggest the following fiendishly brilliant alternative?



Make a donation to Planned Parenthood. In Sarah Palin’s name. And here’s the good part: when you make a donation to PP in her name, they’ll send her a card telling her that the donation has been made in her honor. Here’s the link to the Planned Parenthood website:



http://www.plannededparenthood.org

You’ll need to fill in the address to let PP know where to send the “in Sarah Palin’s honor” card. I suggest you use the address for the McCain campaign headquarters, which is:



McCain for President

1235 S. Clark Street

1st Floor

Arlington, VA 22202



Feel free to send this along to all your women friends and urge them to do the same.

And finally, a little perspective on the Republican spin from a viral e-mail that I haven’t gotten yet, but found here:

If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you’re “exotic, different.”

Grow up in Alaska eating moose burgers, a quintessential American story.



If your name is Barack you’re a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.

Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you’re a maverick.



Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.

Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you’re well grounded.



If you spend 3 years as a community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate’s Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran’s Affairs committees, you don’t have any real leadership experience.

If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you’re qualified to become the country’s second highest ranking executive.



If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising two daughters, all within Protestant churches, you’re not a real Christian.

If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you’re a Christian.



If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.

If , while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state’s school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant, you’re very responsible.



If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family’s values don’t represent America’s.

If you’re husband is nicknamed “First Dude”, with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn’t register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.

Before I begin with the ANTM re-cap, I need to say that I am the shit. I’ve been on a roll in the kitchen, and Sunday I made a batch of the yummiest ever molasses raisin cookies. They are nice and chewy. Then last night, I came very, very close to the right recipe for my Grandma Dorfman’s potato pierogies. Just need to revise the dough recipe a little more. Maybe one less egg and roll the dough even thinner? But using the Cuisinart and the pasta roller made working the dough very easy. And they are tasty.

ANTM opens with Nikeysha interviewing that she needs to shut up. The award for most obvious statement of the season has just been won, folks. Tyra Mail arrives to much squealing: “Would you bend over backwards to be a top model?” Must be posing lessons with Benny Ninja, who is much less fabulous now that he’s a regular, but you know, familiarity and all. And yes, it is. Sheena is very bendy. The hamsters have to pose in sheer fabric tubes. It’s awful. Hannah tries hard and fails, Nikeysha has no neck and looks like she’s in pain. The girls are told to go home and practice. Instead, they go home and play Truth or Dare in the hot tub.

Sheena discusses her overt hoochiness and how she tries to hard to play it down. The award for most disingenuous statement of the season has just been won, folks. Clark is dared to kiss Elina, and she does. Elina loves it. Hannah is offended by the excess of sex and sex talk and sexy, and thinks cold showers all around would be better than the hot tub. Isis makes the mistake of getting too near Hannah, and Hannah gives Isis a shove. She then interviews that she’d never hang around someone like Isis in real life, you know, a transgendered person. Hannah’s from Alaska, right? I’m just sayin’. (CoughcoughPALINcough)

Back in the hamster house, Britney and Sheena are all over Hannah for being racist, or at least prejudiced against transgendered persons. Then they gossip about her behind her back. Someone who doesn’t have issues with Isis is Analeigh, who helps her with her hormone shots and says that she was touched and flattered that Isis would trust her to help. That’s more like it.

Oh, well. Time to go to a photo shoot. This is an audition for Tarina Tarantino, who is an accessories designer and who is wearing Britney Spears’ old hot pink wig. Nikeysha walks on to the set and announces that if she pisses herself while modeling, it’s all in the line of duty or something, because she has to go wicked bad. This does not go over well with Tarina or Benny Ninja or Mr. Jay. Or with the folks out here in TeeVee land. Good lord, they just get classier every season. Speaking of which, Sheena attempts to do high fashion by being very bendy (i.e.: her ankles behind her head) while on a settee, and placing the hot pink purse in her exposed crotch. Now, not to be too erudite or anything, but “purse” has been a euphemism for twat for a few centuries now, and someone like Sheena, who appears to have no small amount of experience in the sex trade, should maybe know that, yeah? In any event, it is an appalling exercise in bad taste and even worse posing. Yeesh.

Isis got stuck in her own head (model speak for thinking too hard about posing). Hannah worked the chandelier (I have no idea why she thought a purse in a hanging lamp would be couture. Maybe because she’s from Alaska, and never saw electric lights growing up? Sheena gets called out for having no respect for the purse, and Elina gets the win.

Another day, another Tyra Mail: this one involves climbing ladders to the top. But before we go do that, let’s sandbag Hannah. A house meeting is called for the express purpose of talking about her alleged racism to her face. She sobs in the confessional that she’s just a misunderstood piece of white trash and is NOT a racist. We’ll see.

There is a park. There is a hot air balloon. There is a rope ladder hanging over the side, and the plan is to have the girls dangle off the rope ladder, while the balloon hovers about 40 feet off the ground. Nobody has a nervous breakdown over this, so the producers decide to just use a crane, hang the girls about 15 feet off the ground and over a big old cushion. Man, I HATE when the legal department interferes in the creative process. On the other hand, Sutan, over in hair and make up is giving all sorts of advice that the hamsters aren’t listening to.

A quick synopses of the shoot: Lauren Brie looks like Dior. Elina is OH MY GOD an ethereal Angelina Jolie (insert big old ethereal fucking yawn). Sheena is hootchie, hanging on to that ladder with no hands or legs, just with one rung wedged between her butt cheeks. Mr. Jay gets a leetle flustered over that. Isis struggled with her face, and because we still like Isis, we’re just gonna let that slide. Nikeysha was awful (and talky). Hannah looked scared. Samantha had no idea what was happening with the garment, and since you are supposed to be an animated clothes hanger, this is rightly viewed as a bad thing. M’Key changed poses too fast, and by the time the photographer had his shot lined up, she had moved on.

Back at the house, there is Tyra Mail announcing that one girl will be sent home. Sheena tells the other hamsters to start packing their bags, because she is the shit, and she will be the winner. The other girls all stare at her, and even though she may have meant it as a joke, nobody is even smiling. Oops.

Judging! Analeigh has a blank face. Samantha should not wear shiny fabric. Shiny fabric is not your friend. Hannah’s face doesn’t work. Nikeysha is way too skinny. The judges think she has an eating disorder. But her face is stunning! Still, try a burger and fries, girlfriend. Lauren Brie has the broken doll look that the judges all adore. M’Key needs to hold her poses. Isis needs to look like a model at judging: dress edgier! Elina was the challenge winner and is the Angelia Jolie look alike. There is much love. Sheena has the hootchie and just won’t let it go. She’s wearing hot pants and a cropped tank top at judging. The judges tell her to cover it up. Then Paulina asks about the boobs: are they real? Sheena is offended by this and says, they sure are and they’re big and spectacular. Brittney has a career in high-end catalog work. Joslyn is effortless.

The girls are sent out so that the judges can caucus. Samantha needs her hair chopped off in a high-fashion ass whooping make over. Lauren Brie is in the top 5 ever. Sheena is vulgar. (You think?) Clark needs a scrubbing. And an ass whooping. And maybe a sharp blow to the head. Brittney is just a catalog girl. Call the hamsters back in and hand out the pics. Then Sheena interupts to say, well, you know, she lied. Yeah the tits are totally implants and she feels bad for having denied it. She gets praise for fessing up.

Lauren Brie is stunning and gets the first photo. Then Elina, Josyln, Marjorie, M’Key, Samantha, Sheena, Hannah, Clark, Brittney, Analeigh and that leaves Isis and Nikeysha in the bottom two. NOES!!! Not Isis?! And no, not Isis. She stays, and Nikeysha goes. She doesn’t ever shut the fuck up, say the judges, and to prove it, she proceeds to talk over Isis saying thanks. She talks while she’s being shown the door, and she keeps on talking as Tyra tells her to shut it, because this is Isis’ moment to cry and say thank you. Nikeysha doesn’t shut it though, she gives an exit interview that continues on and on and on in voice-over, long after the door to the Hamster House has shut and the credits have begun to roll. Sad, really.

Next week? Makeovers! Our favorite! There will be tears, there will be bad weaves and worse bleach jobs, and! A Top Model FIRST!!! Yeah!!! Meet me on the couch, bitches. I’ll have the martinis on ice.

I’m feeling a little dyspeptic today, what with the boss blasting CNN throughout the office, and messages of “certain death” if people stay along the Texas coast, and the mind-numbing adoration of that Republican fuck puppet, Sarah Palin. So to make myself feel a little better, I give you the Rude Pundit’s advice to the Obama campaign. I’ll be following it as I argue with the right, I suggest you do, too.

You want the best route? Here it is: emasculate John McCain. Use Palin to cut his nuts off. Constantly say shit like, “Am I running against John McCain or Sarah Palin?” or “If the Republicans wanted her to be president, they should have nominated her” or “Maybe Republicans are used to a vice president that runs the show” or whatever. Make McCain have to defend himself. Turn him into Palin’s bitch. It’ll make him insane. And if there’s one thing that Republicans hate most about women, it’s the perception of the castrating bitch telling men what to do (see all the shit about Hillary Clinton).

Morning in the Gotham, and Terri is singing “Ding-Dong, the Witch is Dead” and making sure that we all know that she means StellaBarbarella. Have we remarked on the vast expanses of class that Terri shows from week to week? No? That would be because she doesn’t. Kenley is happy and chirping about how fly she is and how she knows that she is going to go all the way to Bryant Park with her fabulosity.

Leanne still keeps her model and the hapless Kendall goes home. There are “special guests” this week, and they turn out to be the previously eliminated designers. Not to worry, Heidi assures those who have not yet been eliminated, they are only here to work with you, not to replace any of you. That’s a relief. This is the Avant Garde challenge. The current and former contestants will be paired and must choose one of their astrological signs as the inspiration for their design. There is a large budget ($250) and a long work period (2 days). The designers are lined up in astrological order and their partners chosen by Tim from the button bag. Here are the teams, their signs and the one they choose to work from:

Korto/Aquarius & Kelly/Cancer (Aquarius)

Kenley/Aquarius & Wesley/Scorpio (Aquarius)

Straight Joe/Aries & Daniel2.0/Sagittarius (Aires)

Leanne/Libra & Emily/Scorpio (Scorpio)

Oompa-Loompa-Licious/Libra & Stella/Scorpio (Libra)

Terri/Sagittarius & Keith/Leo (Leo)

Jerrel/Sagittarius & Jennifer/Taurus (Sagittarius)

Suede/Sagittarius & Jerry/Libra (Libra)

Now, remember how well Terri and Keith worked together the first time? Yeah. That was a Martin & Lewis relationship compared to now. They loathe each other heartily, and Terri has her full bitch on. Keith still isn’t over being auffed and he’s a little fragile. Raw meat to Terri, and she sinks her teeth into it. Tim hands out dossiers about the signs and their attributes and gives the groups half an hour to sketch.

At Mood, Kenley is ordering Wesley around, and he’s meekly obeying her every whim. Terri bitches about Keith and tries to order him around, and then ignores everything he has to say. No, let me rephrase that, she abuses his every idea and comment and THEN ignores his input. When he asks what he can do she tells him to count the pins that fall on the floor.

Daniel2.0 (remember him? He had exquisite taste and high ideals of glamour?) and Joe have done an amazing sketch. I may look into that at auction. It is drop. fucking. dead. gorgeous. Too bad Daniel2.0 didn’t bring that in the earlier part of the game, because it is clearly his drawing and it is clearly FIERCE.

Jerry (remember Jerry and his clothes to commit serial murders in?) is going on about how he’s won major awards for his avant garde work, so if his partner will listen to him, they’ll win. Uh-huh.

Leanne is tired of Kenley’s overconfidence and obnoxious attitude, and she’s sharing that feeling with Emily. Kenley is like, two feet away and can hear everything, and shares with her partner, Wesley, that the other two are being high-school bitches and she won’t let them sit at her table in the lunch room, anyway, so there. Flounce.

Tim comes to do his little look-see and starts with Oompa-Loompa-Licious and Stella. They are going to play with scale. Get it? Libra, the scales? Scale? Weight and balance? Get it? Tim tells them to be sure that there is cohesion in their parts and Oompa-Loompa-Licious just says holla atcha boy and Tim doesn’t even acknowledge it, but just walks away. Is Timmy over Oompa-Loompa-Licious?

Jerell has used a really odd, geometric fabric for the skirt of his gown. It looks stiff and almost menswear. Tim is flummoxed by the fabric choice and tells Jerell that he is so far out on the precipice that he is either going to crash badly or win. “I’m perplexed.” he finishes, and leaves.

Leanne is using her noodles/flaps again, but this time in the service of creating a sort of exo-skeletal shape for her Scorpio dress. Interesting.

Kenley has chosen her usual appalling and unattractive florals, a purple plaid and tulle. Tim tells her that there is a fine line between avant garde and costume and she blows up at him. “Costume?” she shrills, “What costume? What show would this be in?” (Miz Shoes thinks that a sad sort of Cirque du Soleil clown might wear it, what with the grossly oversized purple plaid leg-o-mutton sleeves and the pouffe skirt and the bad color combinations) Tim says that it looks like Glinda, the good witch of the North, and Kenley just snorts that Glinda would never look so “fabulous”.  Tim just looses his patience at that point and says “Fine. Don’t listen to me, then.” And if ever more ominous words were spoken, I do not know. GAH!!!! Always listen to Tim Gunn, designers.

Terri and Keith are silent. Tim reminds Terri that Keith has great ideas and that she should listen to him. Keith rolls his eyes and Terri looks at Tim. Oh. Oh, sighs Tim. Riiiiight.

In other news, the clothes need to premier at a cocktail party at the Museum of Science & Planetarium at 8 pm, cutting the work time by 4 hours. Also? No more immunity. And? Two designers are getting auffed tonight. Terri responds to this by telling Keith to leave her alone to work. He says that she’s an angry and bitter person and that he isn’t designing costumes for The Lion King (which is a pretty accurate description of both Terri and her dress). Kenley, continues to trash everyone else’s work. Korto is pinning her dress onto the model to make it to the party.

We break for commercial and look, Chemistry.com has gay match-making. Good for them. At the Planetarium, the judges for the evening are previous Project Runway designers who still live in New York or its environs. I recognize Daniel V., Jay Carroll, Christian Puffysleeves & Kara Janx. Oh, I’ve missed Daniel V. True to form, Terri is complaining about other designers picking the winners. She is standing with Keith, and totally ignoring him as they talk to Christian. Christian hates her Lion King collar (HAH!).

Kenley takes offense at Heidi questioning her design and the placement of the bust line on her monstrosity. Kenley basically rips Heidi a new one. It’s pretty, uh, ballsy? Insane? Suicidal? Gutsy? Heidi doesn’t care, and takes on the matter of Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ onesie with attached wads of fabric. She tells him that the color of the unitard looks like Granny Panties. She has a point.

Daniel V is awed by Jerell’s work. He counts 6 trims and 7 different fabrics, and is completely in love with the look. There are peacock feathers, and bronze and I can’t tell what all.

It’s the morning of the show, and Terri is cutting off the collar per Christian’s critique. Keith makes one more half-hearted attempt to help, and goes off to take a nap, since Terri wants him around like a case of head lice. Kenley is re-doing the bodice on her dress to satisfy Heidi, not because it was wrong. Suede is back to the third person, full time, and interviews that “Suede is rilly, rilly sad that 2 people are going home.”

Straight Joe has been on the show long enough that he lets out his inner bitch to say that Kenley’s piece is so Mickey Mouse (or Minnie) that she needs to be in the bottom two. Tim has to find Keith, sleeping in the breakroom, in order to get him out to the runway for the show. And what the HELL is Jerell wearing today? Girl, get a grip on yourself.

The judges tonight will not be selecting the winner, that was done by the former contestants last night. What they will be doing are choosing the two designers to go home, and providing color. The guest tonight is Francisco Costa, lead designer for Calvin Klein.

Korto, Jerell, Leanne and Straight Joe are the top designers and are sent off stage while the bottom four are savaged by the judges.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious is first, and has to defend his Libra/weight and scale design. It is called haphazard by Nina. Michael Kors is not having any of it, saying that it isn’t forward, it isn’t pretty and it looks like the model is pooping fabric. I’m all for odd beauty, he says, but this isn’t beauty, it’s only odd.

Michael is impressed with the pairing of two fire signs: Terri & Keith. This should have been brilliant, but the personality clash has caused this to look like “Voodoo princess in hell.” All taste, says Miss Kors, has flown out the window. The word we are looking for to describe the expression on Keith’s face (and the evil in his heart) is scheudenfraude.

But wait, there’s more. Kenley’s aquarian design is attacked by NinaGarcia as having absolutely nothing to do with the zodiac. Oh, yes, it does, she says. NinaGarcia shrugs, eloquently. And then we get to Suede, still working that third person like she is the Queen of All England. “Suede and Jerry chose Libra. Suede didn’t want to go too crazy, so Suede pulled back.” Michael says it looks like department store, off-the-rack.

And then the designers are sent away for the real cutting to begin. Michael says that Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ piece is just unbearable to look at… a joke. Ooooh, says Heidi, that’s bad (waits a beat) but true. Michael makes no pretense about his feelings about Kenley. He hates her. He mocks her “I don’t look at other designers” remark. Well, honey, you should, he says. As for Terri? NinaGarcia hated it. It looked cheap. (Always the death knell for NinaGarcia) And Terri didn’t take any responsibility for her work, trying to blame Keith for walking away (count the pins that fall on the floor??). But Michael brings the full bore of The Duchess to bear on poor little Suede. It seems that this is the first time that Miss Kors has heard Suede use the third person. In addition to his work being boring and tacky, MK says that Suede is not ready for the third person. Not at all. Miss Kors thinks that there was way too much ego on display from a bunch of rank amateurs tonight and she is having none of it.

Jerell is named the winner, and poor Straight Joe is robbed!!! Kenley gets to stay, but only because they couldn’t send three designers home tonight. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is sent back to Portland to find his tan, Suede is allowed to stay so that Michael can sharpen her claws on him next week, and Terri is given the boot for being a bitch and a talentless hack. See? Justice in the world.

Next week? Michael Kors gags.

WHEEEEE!!!! Back wit da bitches and de hos.

Where does the time go? It seems like only yesterday we were cheering on Big Whitney, and dissing the other hamsters (whose names we have already forgotten), and here we are, back on the sofa, cosmos in one hand, notebook in the other. Shall we begin?

We are in El Ay, and there is a bio-diesel bus and lots of very skinny girls. They are being taken to the Top Model Institute of Technology, where they will be molded into potential top models. Or just reality teevee fodder. Either way, yo? There is much silver, and bad special FX and Miss Jay in a white blonde wig and Mr. Jay in a really cute set of short extensions, giving him a tousled look. We love it.

The girls fly by: Sheena is Asian and from Harlem. Elina is a vegan and into animal liberation. This is a cause only someone with an IQ below room temperature can get behind. Does this mean I shouldn’t have a house cat or spay or neuter it? Because surely keeping the Ming inside is alien to his widdle kitty nature. As is neutering him. I’d better stop now before I digress to far into that train of thought. There is Isis (I had a Russian Blue named Isis) who can’t walk to save her life, and Clark who claims that her walk is intimidating. I think she means imbecilic. Joslyn twirls around for no apparent reason.

The 2 Jays reveal the Glaminator 11.0 which is a large box, and after they shake it around, out comes the Tyra-Bot. This entire set was designed by someone who thought the sets on the 1970s-era Dr. Who were too sophisticated. And who also found the original Star Treks too well written and acted. TyraBot and company demand to be beamed up fiercely.

The hos reveal their secrets to the panel: Joslyn says that her mind was opened. I’m not sure by what. Some blue-eyed blonde claims to be exotic. Only in Syria, babe. Clark reveals that she is a mean-spirited, manipulative cunt. Casey, who is Black, tells Tyra and the Jays that she is white because she has white friends…who aren’t really her friends because they don’t understand why she won’t go swimming with them. CLUE: It’s the hair.  Marjorie is French and although she came to America as a seven year old, still talks like a French Canadian with a mild speech impediment. She’s got the Agynss Deyn thing going on and seems to live in black tights. It’s kind of cute…now.  Veronique is a Mormon. Those people are like belly buttons on reality shows: everybody has one. Isis was one of the extras in last year’s homeless shoot. She was homeless and living in a shelter. And she’s a he. With an Adam’s apple and a man’s voice. She’s pre-op. Sheena has a tongue stud which we see whenever she talks. Clark’s really a self-involved bitch. Hannah is from Fairbanks and didn’t have running water, electricity or indoor plumbing until she came to LA for the show. Joslyn has auditioned at least three times each season, which, by her tally means that she’s tried out at least 30 times. No wonder they let her on. Get over it, already.

Elina explains herself a little more. She’s not just a vegan, she’s a bi-sexual vegan who wants to convert all the hamsters to Sapphic love. And with that we cut to Big Whitney’s first Cover Girl commercial. She’s cute, she enunciates and has inflection to her voice. It is the first ANTM “my life as a cover girl” commercial in 10 seasons that does not make me throw things at the teevee. RJ and I just stare at each other in dumbfounded amazement.

Brittney S (There are three Brittneys in the running) has red hair of a color not found in nature. She is really, really pretty and a cage fighter. RJ and I have high hopes of a smack-down somewhere around week 5. Susan is a Harvard grad, with a double major in English Lit and something else. Tyra asks her who her favorite English Romantic heroine is and the crickets come out to chirp. She does not know from the sisters Bronte, from Dickens, from Austen. She can’t even summon up a brain cell for Jack London’s White Fang. Hell, I would have been amused if she could have done Soupy Sales’ White Fang. She does nothing for Harvard’s rep.

Samantha wants to “change the industry” and cannot name five designers or models. We are in the idiots who will only get air time to prove we do have a vetting system portion of the evening. The models have been winnowed down to 20, and the only way they will find out if they are in or out is to place their hand on the sci-fi scanner. If they are in, they will be granted access to the next room. It’s sort of cruel, which is why we like it. They have 5 minutes to get into their metallic cat suits and do their own make up. Then, there will be photos. The TryaBot and the Alpha and Beta Jays beam fiercely for the second and I hope last time.

Our final selection is: Sheena, Analeigh, Nikeesha, Marjorie, Samantha, Elina, Brittney R, Brittney S, Brittney B, Hannah, Lauren, Isis, Clark and Josyln. One of the girls has a pair of lucky ANTM panties. I hope she goes home first.

PART TWO

The first thing we have to do is make two of the Brittneys change their names. My girl crush cage fighter becomes M’Key. Brittney B is Shauron. Isis is causing much confusion and concern among the other hamsters. How does she hide the junk? Tape. M’Key is totally into Isis and bonds immediately. Clark and one of the other nameless, faceless, brainless hamsters, however, are disturbed by the presence of a “man” among the mice. Honey, she isn’t into you. She don’t want to use the junk. Accept this person as the greatest gift Tyra has ever given you, and consider her your biggest competitor. DUH. No, they are all about the hate, these two. And then Clark rags on my girl M’Key. I’m not feeling the love for Clark. I hope she gets a shitty make over.

The hamsters are taken to the Magic Castle Hotel and Private Club for Magicians. There they meet some hack who pulls Nigel and Paulina out of another box. Time for some introductory face time with the judges. Marjorie answers Nigel’s question: Who’s your favorite fashion photographer correctly: You, Nigel. Nigel interviews that the only girl who knew anything about the industry was Isis. HAH! And then Nigel finds out she’s packing a little extra.

The hamsters get home to find some basics: black pumps, skinny jeans, plain t-shirts. Unfortunately, nobody has yet to tell them that the chonga earrings have to go, and they are ALL wearing the chongas.

Their first shoot will be a politically-themed one. Mike Rosenthal, one of Tyra’s favorite shooters will be on deck. Marjorie takes on Immigration. She shows some variety and some awkwardness. Brittney does the Military and doesn’t suck. Clark has no idea what her word means: Bureaucracy, but when she sees all the red tape on the set, she thinks she may have a hint. It doesn’t help her. She’s stiff, plastic and Barbie. M’Key fights for the Environment. Literally. Little boxer stance. But pretty. Big Whitney gets A SECOND AD. And it doesn’t suck either. RJ and I are charmed

Hannah has to deal with Nukes. She isn’t sure how she feels about the issue. Isis has Privacy as her assignment and Clark and another couple of girls are used in the background. They spend their time behind the screen telling Isis she needs a shave and making other hateful sniping. Isis sucks it up and does beautifully. Classy kid. Isis is my early favorite. Well, Isis and M’Key. Sheena/Energy; Joslyn/Unemployment; Analeigh/Health; Sharaun/Homeland Security (and she bitches and moans); Samantha/Economy; Lauren/Education; Nikeysha/Cloning. They pretty much all suck.

At judging, Miss Jay’s schtick for the season is going to be giant blinged out numbers on a chain. It looks like it came from Flava Flav’s House of Bling. Nigel and Paulina start arguing immediately. Nigel sees nerves when he looks at Marjorie and Paulina sees a brain. Sharaun couldn’t pose. Clark was awful and didn’t understand the concept. Elina is hailed as the second coming of Katherine Zeta-Jones. I think by me. Nikeysha’s legs look lumpy and she argues with the judges and makes excuses.

Samantha is clocked for looking like she “went crazy at the mall” when she dressed. Joslyn is made to loose her accessories, too. Hannah is told to lose the “Gossip Girl” headband. Isis is told to take care of her raggedy hair, but her photo was perfect.

Miss Jay makes up a new word for Sharaun: Fladunkasauress, but it’s Clark who is called the worst in the bunch. The best picture of the week goes to Marjorie, and in an effort to work the nerves of the house bitches, her photo will be on display for the week in the house. Nice. Isis gets the second photo.

The bottom two are Sharaun and Nikeysha. Nikeysha is called touchy and argumentative, but Sharaun is just bad and uninspiring. She is out. And drops like a rock to the ground and moans and weeps and howls. Wow.

Next week, Elina kisses Clark in the hot tub and Hannah isn’t sure if she’s a racist.