Previously on Project Runway: Kenley laughed at Straight Joe on the runway, and was six kinds of skank beyotch.

Open on the green Atlas, where Korto and Leanne reveal that they weren’t surprised to see Straight Joe auffed. Suede interviews that Suede needs to step up his game because he’s been in the bottom three times already. Is that all? And with that we are whisked away to Parsons where we have another model selection. At this point there are eight models and five designers, so there’s a large culling of the herd to be done. Jerell stays with Nicole. Kenley steals Joe’s old model Topogigio. Leanne loves her model, but thinks that Suede’s girl is better, so steals his TuhTuhTuhTia. Suede is Very Unhappy. Suede then takes Sephora, and Korta opts for Katarina. This leaves Paulina, Germaine and Karoline out. Karoline is pissed that Leanne turfed her after so many good weeks together, and she leaves the stage looking angry and teary. Hey, lighten up, it’s only fashion.

The challenge this week is to dress each other. The magic button bag works overtime as it reveals that Suede will be designing for Jerell, Kenley will design for Leanne, Korto will dress Suede, Jerell will dress Kenley and Leanne will clothe Korto. The added twist is that each designer is randomly assigned a musical genre and the clothes designed for them should reflect that genre. Got it? The next pairing from the button bag is designer to musical genre and Kenley will be pop music (she hates pop, because she thinks it’s cheesy). Fair enough, and if anyone but Kenley said that, I’d agree. But the Andrews sisters were the pop stars of their day, honey, and I’m willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that they are in deep rotation on your i-pod. If you have an i-pod, and not a portable turntable that only plays 78s. Suede is a punk rocker, yawn. Korto gets saddled with being country music. Leanne is deemed hip-hop, and Jerell gets rock and roll. Jerell thinks that Suede should be able to handle that.

The gang of five gets an hour to consult with each other, $150 to spend at Mood and until midnight to sew. Leanne tells Kenley that she wants to be gangsta. Kenley tells Leanne no. Kenley is going to make a pair of high-waisted jeans, because that’s what hip-hop is to Kenley, and if we know one thing about Kenley by now, it is that she is a stone bitch who will do what ever the hell she wants and is delusional about how right she is about everything. Jerell tells Suede that he wants a high collar and a cape. Neither Suede nor the audience can tell if Jerell is just putting Suede on. I can sort of see Jerell in an Elvis jumpsuit, though. It could be fun. Jerell is loving the idea of Kenley as a pop tart, and takes great delight in telling her that he’s going to turn her into Kenley Spears. Korto and Leanne are working on Korto’s look when Kenley comes over and tries to eat up more of Leanne’s time by having her try on some shoes. Korto tells Kenley that this is her thirty minutes and to back the fuck off. Kenley insists and whines, but knows that Korto could snap her in half and finally backs off.

At Mood, Jerell is still cracking up over what he plans for Kenley: “stretchy, netty and shiny.” Kenley herself has found some more ugly floral prints and argues with Tim about whether or not it’s hip-hop. Tim (and everyone who’s watching) thinks that it is not. Kenley of course, knows that it is. “It looks like grafitti.” Or not.

Back in the Parson’s workroom, Korto tries on a pair of hot cowboy boots and suddenly becomes Shania Jenks at the CMAs. This sets off a round of “what’s my musical name” and Jerell says that Leanne is L’il J Blige. It was a lot funnier when he said it. Korto and Jerell do a little bonding over the fact that Kenley has got absolutely no clue about what hip-hop is. Jerell says that there is nothing hip-hop in Kenley’s bag of 1950s dresses. That’s pretty funny when he says that, too.

Jerell is fawning over the two mannequins with his winning designs and asks Korto to give it up for him a little. She puts him back in his place, promptly. Undaunted, Jerell says that he wants to win three in a row, and he’s hoping that his fishnet minidress with rhinestone cuffs will do it. Kenley says that getting sexed up by Jerell is scary. Honey, you have no idea. Suede shocks us all by saying that the blue mohawk is just for show. Actually Suede is a trained classical cellist. My mind explodes a little. Suede is making stretchy jeans with a super-long leg that will scrunch up at the ankles. Did I already say yawn? Where’s the cape and the Superfly collar? Meanwhile, Jerell is still laughing at Kenley and her aversion to his sexy little pop star dress. She did NOT want to try it on, or come out from behind the dressing screen.

With four hours to go, Tim comes in for the walk-about. He starts with Jerell. He loves it. It’s a beautiful silhouette, but Tim isn’t sure about the cobalt blue fake fur that Jerell intends to make into a mini vest. Of Leanne’s C&W, he says that it might be too subtle, and tells her to watch the proportions. Leanne takes his advice, and turns a purple trapeze blouse into a sleeveless classic cowboy shirt. Korto’s punk look for Suede is deemed to stereotypical. Tim tells Korto to push it more. He tells Suede the same thing: rock and roll should be over the top, and he needs to ramp up the visuals. I love the fabric that Suede chose for the shirt. It is very much Jerell, a sort of muted purple and brown tie-dyed charmeuse. Kenley sneers at Tim that her designs of a micro leather jacket and high-waisted jeans are totally hip-hop, and that when he thinks oversized, he’s thinking 80s hip-hop. She omits making a big “L” sign on her forehead, but the tone implies it. Tim tells her to remove the sarcasm, and that although she might think he’s being “snarky” (Yes, our Miss Gunn used the word snarky), he is merely attempting to give her advice and direction, which she would do well to take (if she weren’t an insufferable know-it-all bitch). OK, he didn’t say the last part out loud. But I heard it clear as a bell, especially when Kenley interviews that (and I quote) “What does Tim know about hip-hop, anyway?”

With one hour left to sew, Leanne tries on her hip-hop jeans. They are awful. The crotch does not, by any stretch of anyone’s imagination, fit. Kenley says that she’s thinking Alicia Keys. Even your reviewer here, the impossibly white Miz Shoes is aware that Miss Keys is not hip-hop. She is R&B, and Soul, and hot beyond all sensibility, but she is not hip-hop. Korto and Jerell try to tell Kenley that Alicia Keys is R&B, and she tells them that they are wrong. I bet she wouldn’t have told Terri she was wrong if Terri tried to tell her who was or was not hip-hop.

Korto is frantically bleaching Suede’s jeans. Seude’s getting nervous. Jerell admits that he did think about sabotaging Suede… it IS a competition, y’all. Kenley makes her weekly prognostication: “I’m confident. I LOVE my outfit. It’s the bestest. I’m going to win! I’m not changing anything ever, ever, ever for Tim “what-the-hell-can-he-tell-me” Gunn!” Speaking of which, her jeans still fit Leanne like crap. Jerell and Korto are watching as Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong digs her own grave, styling Leanne with ever more inappropriate items. This is hip-hop, right? she asks. Oh, yeah, say Korto and Jerell, and roll their eyes. It’s the finest moment yet, this season.

Suede isn’t happy with his neon extensions. Kenley looks, in her own words, like Brittney Spears-The Good Years. She does, actually.  It’s sort of scary, in fact, how much she does resemble our favorite train wreck. Once more, Kenley announces that she totally nailed the hip-hop look for Leanne and she is going to win. Or, maybe not, because it turns out that no less a hip-hop royalty than LL Cool J is the guest judge tonight. This, the RLA and the Number Three Surrogate Daughter agree, is going to be good.

Korto comes out and is country. Kenley Spears is flawless as a pop star. Leanne comes out and is embarrassed to be there. Kenley voices over that she’s furious with Leanne, because Leanne is NOT SELLING IT. (Because it sucks, sweetheart.) Suede works the runway. Who knew? He’s throwing devil horns and sticking out his tongue, and slouching all over. The distressed jeans fit beautifully, even though Suede does not have a model’s willowiness. Jerell, who does, gives us the most lack-luster walk of the evening. Jerell used to be a model, remember? Well his catwalk is a textbook example of how not to do it. But the outfit Suede made for him fits like a glove. Is this Jerell’s sabotage, after all?

Korto explains her look: punk, metallic denim that she bleached. LL says that this is right on the money. NinaGarcia says that Suede looks like Marilyn Manson, and that the pants fit well. Korto can tailor, that is a certainty.

Suede designed a rock and roll look for Jerell. Jerell says that his idea of rock and roll is Aerosmith. While the judges love the vest, they agree that subtle doesn’t work for the stage. LL says that you want to keep the audience interested and surprised throughout the entire show. And I agree, but idiot little rocker girl that I am, I thought that the best shows were the ones where it was the music, not the costumes that did that. Take for example, Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band (Bruce turned 59 earlier this week. Happy birthday, Bruce). The Boss and the entire band dress in black. Oh, maybe Little Steven will have on a dark purple paisley gypsy shirt, but by and large, the guys (and Patti and Suze) wear black. Black jeans, black shirts, black vests. They are almost invisible on the stage, and what hits you is the power and the glory of their music. Even that fop Tom Petty wears a pair of jeans under that plum velvet blazer. Rock and roll is about the music, LL. Unless, you know, you suck and only have theatrics to prop up the show, like KISS. But I digress. Heidi makes the astute assessment that Jerell looks like Jerell, and not a rock star. True dat. But everything fits.

Jerell has made a pop tart out of Kenley. Kenley is clearly uncomfortable in her little fishnet mini with the built-in rhinestone bra. But she looks totally pop. Sexy, not vulgar, exposed but not naked. Michael Kors loves it. And everybody sees that Kenley looks just like Brittney Spears. There is something so delicious about this. Almost as delicious as what comes next: Kenley defends her hip-hop look. I made a classy, expensive hip-hop outfit she announces. After a moment of stunned silence, Heidi says “Those are the worst pants I have ever seen.” Someone utters the dreaded “mom jeans”. Kenley looks to LL for expiation, and pleads, this is hip-hop, isn’t it? And LL Cool J says, flatly: NO. Sweet.

Leanne has gone for a vintage Dolly Parton with a modern sensibility. Or something like that. NinaGarcia says that the country look needed more glamor. Michael thinks that it looks like Korto is going out for a plate of ribs. ? Heidi says that the skirt fits like a glove, and LL leers appreciatively at the junk in Korto’s trunk.

The judges have their final confab and agree that Jerell nailed the pop look, as did Korto and the punk. It felt authentic, according to LL. Kenley’s outfit looked like a bad mall purchase, and Suede’s rock and roll was a grocery store run. Leanne made something good, but too quiet. So. Does Jerell go for three? Nope. Korto finally gets a win (although I think she should have won for any of a number of other challenges, and not this one). Jerell has his third win stolen, but gets a pat on the head for doing well. Leanne is safe. Kenley and Suede are the bottom two. Kenley is told that she had no glamor, no bravado and missed hip-hop completely. Delusional bitch. Suede played it safe, and that is the one thing that rock and roll is not. Suede is out. Suede delivers his final monologue in the third person, and finger guns it that “Madonna, I’m ready to dress you up in Suede.” With that groaner, we cut to previews where we see Kenley sneer at Heidi. I’m thinking that isn’t going to go over well at all.

A moment of silence for Paul Newman, please. A fine actor, a fine human being and a fine looking man. I got to see him race once at Limerock. He was a fine driver, too.

In other news, it seems like Senator Obama actually read the Rude Pundit’s play book regarding the first debate. At one point, I even high-fived the RLA for the way Obama made McCain get a little squirmy.

Finally, regarding America’s Next Top Model: with the departure of Isis, the show has lost all appeal for me. Sorry, gentle readers, but there will be no further Miz Shoes Reviews of that show. You’ll have to get your laughs from Potes on Television Without Pity, instead.

We start our week with confessionals: Brittney is sad because she is just too damned pretty, and not high fashion. This is a trial for her, because she hates it when people call her pretty, and they do, all the damned time. Analeigh thinks that she needs more personality. This may be true, because I didn’t know who the hell was whining.

And then, just like in a fairy tale, Tyra appears in the living room of the hamster house. She has ordered pizza (which looks to be very old and very cold) and there are goodie bags and plastic tiaras all around, which is exactly the sort of party every gang of women over the age of, oh, say, six wants. Needless to say, TyTy has a giant tiara, and it’s probably real. The hamsters have little baby princess tiaras. Tyra tells the girls how when she started to grow booty, her mama ordered pizza and refused to let her starve herself skinny. Instead, they reinvented her career from runway to cheesecake Victoria’s Secret model.

What follows is an embarrassment to everyone involved: hamsters, the Two Jays, Tyra, the camera crew and editors, and us, the poor viewing public. I refuse to acknowledge the scene. Suffice to say that Number Three Surrogate Daughter and I marked the calendar as the Day ANTM Officially Jumped the Shark. Hell, they didn’t just jump it, they beat it to death.

The next day, the girls go to the salon to find out what Tyra’s vision has decreed for their new looks. It has to be a surprise for all involved, so the mirrors are covered. Marjorie loses her Agnyes Deyn and goes chestnut brown. She’s still cute. Joslyn gets a wavy weave. Elina gets the Ruh-Roh edit as she confessionalizes that she is very careful about her image. Drab, uber-serious animal liberation activists are Serious like that. Samantha gets a short blonde boy-cut. Hannah gets straight bangs and a bob. She’s no Anna Wintour. Clark gets dark brown hair and LaurenBrie goes blonder. Sheena gets highlights like Tyra. Analeigh gets blonde layers. Elina says that she doesn’t want any sort of drastic changes. Ruh-roh. Foreshadowing, thy name is ANTM. Elina says she’s skerred, and Miss Jay says she should be. Then he tries to comfort her by telling her that the Weave Master of the known universe is here to work on her head, and says that this is the Most Dramatic Makeover Ever in Top Model History. It’s a giant red Bozo weave, and it looks a lot like Brittney-Who-Had-Brain-Damage. Remember her? She lost it on go-sees and cursed like a longshoreman?

M’Key gets an awesome short, black do. Isis gets long Cher hair. Brittney, who is just too catalog, gets a heavy, wavy black weave. She cries to Miss Jay that she hates being too pretty. He tells her to try harder. Yeah. See, people who don’t get called “pretty” day in and day out, we don’t have sympathy for the hard life of those who do. Go cry on someone else, bitch.

The hamsters arrive home, only to discover Tyra mail, telling them that they’re going to have to work the night shift. At Wal-Mart. They are met by Big Whitney’s Cover Girl display, Sutan and Mrs. Nigel Barker. Mrs Nigel is on hand to give them instructions: they’ll have to ad-lib a 30 second commercial for Cover Girl right after they do their own make up. The commercials range from merely mediocre to dismal. Hannah wins, inexplicably. For her troubles, she’ll get a $1 thousand dollar gift card for Wal-Mart (you can get rifles and plaid flannel there) and have her ad on the Wal-Mart web site.

Back to the Hamster House, where Tyra Mail asks “Who’s suited to be America’s Next Top Model.” There is debate as to whether this means swim suits or business suits. Nobody asks about the possibility of birthday suits. We then cut to Elina talking to Brittney and Joslyn about how much she hates her mother, because she was a bad mother. Brittney asks Elina where she lives. With her mother. Who feed you? My mother. Brittney rightly calls Elina an ungrateful little bitch, and we head to another Big Whitney commercial.

When we return, Analeigh is having a hard time posing in front of a mirror. The other girls try to help her. I think typing those two sentences just lowered my I.Q. In any event, the girls are hauled off in the bio-bus to a huge beach house in Malibu. It looks like it will be the swimsuit edition. Russel James (who shot Tyra’s famous Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover) will be shooting. “Supermodel” Susan Holmes (I never heard of her) is also a super swimsuit designer, and it’s her suits the girls will be in. Mr. Jay leaves the hamsters in the capable hands of Russel and Susan, who will art direct this shoot.

Analeigh can’t pose any better in the water than she can in front of the mirror. Hannah has crazy eyes. Brittney is stressing over being pretty and shows no range. Samantha is beautiful. Elina is gorgeous, and not your typical swimsuit model. (Partly because of all of her tats, I guess) Marjorie is flawless, and Isis is difficult to shoot. All too soon we are back at the Casa De Marmotas where Analeigh is nervous about the morrow’s judging.

In the judging room, Susan Holmes is the guest judge. Tyra imparts this wisdom to the little model-ettes: You must master the swimsuit. Meh, it’s no “short, shiny and tight is the fastest way to look cheap”, but then Tyra is no NinaGarcia.

Sheena tells the judges that she was “smiling with her eyes.” This means that she’s watched an episode or two. Analeigh’s arms are scary. Clark has a skinny mouth, and needs to remember to keep them soft. Hannah is European sexy, to Nigel, but she only has one pose. Tyra thinks Lauren Brie looks like CariDee. But without the dread heartbreak of psoriasis. Brittney is absent in her photos and M’Key looks like Linda Evangalista. Hot!! Isis gets mixed reviews, Marjorie didn’t do enough, and Samantha was pretty good. Elina gets all sorts of raves, and Paulina tells her that body tats are bad for modeling, but then the photo they choose for her is just a head shot. Which is bullshit, because everyone else is being judged on a full-body pose.

The girls are dismissed and the judges rip them up: Sheena was too soft (which I guess is an improvement over too hoochie). Analeigh is too dull. Clark is not photogenic, and she’s a bitch. Lauren Brie photographs well. Brittney is just pretty, and not a model. Samantha is loved by the judges and the cameras. Hannah needs to get messy. Isis is stuck. M’Key is amazing. As they debate the pros and cons of the hamsters, I realize that Susan Holmes looks like the illegitimate love child of Janice Dickenson’s second face and Hillary Swank. That’s a lot of jawline, is all I’m saying.

And Elina gets the first photo. See? Bullshit. There’s no bathing suit anywhere in the shot: it’s all face. Photos are handed out to the rest of the girls in order: Lauren Brie, Samantha, M’Key, Sheena, Joslyn, Majorie (who is no longer getting the cheesy accordian music, at least), Clark, Isis and Hannah.

Analeigh and Brittney are left waiting for the other spike heel to drop. Brittney is pretty, but she just doesn’t photograph well. Analeigh used to be a figure skater, and so should know how to pose, (I don’t know, I thought figure skaters moved, but what the heck do I know) but is sort of blah. Who goes? Who do you think? The pretty girl, who is still whining about being pretty as she leaves the Casa des Marmotas.

Next week? The cat walk. Let’s see who’s never had on a pair of heels before. My money is on Hannah. I bet Isis can work it.

We open on the Atlas, where the usual suspects are doing the usual things. Suede is being an ass and interviewing in the third person that Suede will be clawing and scratching all the way to Bryant Park. As the boys head out, we see the final goodbye from Oompa-Loompa-Licious “I will miss youlicious” and I realize that against all odds, I will, in fact, miss the little orange troll. He was, in the final analysis, sort of sweet, if not deluded about fashion.

Speaking of delusional, Kenley is tossing her fascinator and declaiming to the cameras that she has NO IDEA how she ended up in the bottom two last week, because she was the only one who EVEN CAME CLOSE to being avant garde and she is the shit and everyone else is the pits. Flounces all the way to the Parson’s runway where we meet up with Heidi and the next challenge.

Heidi has special ladies for the designers to meet. Out come a bunch of middle-aged and none too stylish women. The designers begin to choke and freeze. HA-HA! sez Heidi, gotcha AGAIN!!! These are not the women you’ll be designing for, these are their mothers. You will be designing interview/work clothes for their daughters, each of whom has just graduated from college and is about to go out into the work place for the very first time. This is a Trésemme make-over challenge, and their hair will be done for them, too.

The magic button bag comes out and the designers and daughters are paired up at random. There is a $100 budget, a half hour to meet with the clients (both mother and daughter are the client) and two days to sew.

Kenley is delighted to discover that her girl (Anna) has just gotten a job as an accessories buyer, she delights in vintage clothing, and has no discernable taste: she’s JUST LIKE KENLEY!! Which means that Kenley is going to make another of her 1940’s frocks. In a ghastly floral pattern. Quel surprise, non?

Korto has confidence that she can relate to her model, because she (Korto) is a “hip mom”. Her girl is Megan, and she works in a bio-lab. She likes green. Jerell finds out that Caitlin is a designer, and is tall and thin and prefers to dress androgynously, just like him! It’s another match made in heaven. Leanne’s Holly is off to be an elementary school teacher, and she needs to look older than her charges. Her mother is a tough, critical bird and tells both Leanne and Holly that Holly wants a dress.

Avital is a photographer, and she wants Suede to make her something she can wear to work and then out to play: pants. Suede says that pants are not Suede’s thing. Avital does want something a little femme. Our last girl is Laura, and she’s working with Straight Joe. She doesn’t have a job, yet. She wants something that will suit the office, but still be sexy. She’s one of those.

Korto tells us that she’s going to pick up some “leatha” at Mood, and that now that Stella is gone, she, Korto, is the queen of leather. Suede tells us that Suede wants to find a Pucci-esque print, but in purple. Then Suede tells us that Suede DID find purple pucci print. Oh My God!!! Suede needs to find a new schtick before MizShoes finds out where Suede lives, is all Miz Shoes is saying.

We find out that Straight Joe’s first job was as a stock boy at Gucci, and that’s where he got bitten by the fashion bug. And then we have a commercial for Top Design, where former Project Runway contestants are involved in some form or another. I had the sound off, so I don’t know what way. Look! There’s Andre. And Sweet Pea, awww. And there is Jeffrey-the-Pinheaded-Shmoo, and even though I never thought it would, in a million years be possible, he is more heinous than ever. He’s wearing a mod haircut (and by mod, I mean fucking 1960’s Carnaby Street shaggy do) and has grown a porn ‘stache that looks like he stole it from Frank Zappa’s dead body. It is a particularly creepy sort of Fu Manchu. I am prevented from stabbing myself with my knitting needles by the quick reflexes of the Number 3 Surrogate Daughter. Pass the eye bleach then, child.

Back at Parson’s, Jerell is excited by the challenge and the girl he’s working with. Jerell’s first job was as a fry boy at Mickey D’s. He got lots of free food, and bad skin from working the fryer. I’m growing quite fond of Jerell. Suede is making a jacket first, because Suede does not want to make pants.

The clients come in for a look-see and Suede’s girl and her momma think that Suede’s work isn’t edgy enough. Straight Joe’s girl hates on the men’s wear pinstripes he bought. But it all fairness, it would look flawless on Tim Gunn. Kenley is so busy telling her client how fabulous her work is, and how utterly charming the raggy old fabric is, that we can’t tell how her client feels. But Kenley is happy, so all is right in Kenley’s world.

Jerell endears himself to me a little more by interviewing that Kenley can make a hell of a 1950’s dress, but that her talent starts and stops right there.

Leanne’s mother daughter pair aren’t happy with Leanne’s work. They are quite vocal and clear about that. Like, start over again, kind of clear. Suede is making a dress, not pants, and he is just going to sell it to his client, because Suede doesn’t do pants. (Doesn’t or can’t?)

Kenley then starts trashing Straight Joe’s suit, to his face. Jerell piles on a little, when Joe says that the girl can accent with pocket squares. Who the hell has pocket squares (other than Tim Gunn?). Kenley gives Joe a little rag of her floral and she and Jerell just fall over from the hilarity.

Day Two

The girls come in without their Mommies, and things go better for the designers. Korto’s jacket, which is a sort of hempy/burlapy fabric, is tailored to within an inch of it’s life and it works over a green floral that has overtones of a Diane von Furstenburg wrap. Holly (without her mother badgering on about it) loves Leanne’s dress. Avital loves that ugly purple disco frock that Suede has made. It has braided straps across an open, asymmetrical back, and it’s snug.

Miz Shoes used to work in a commercial photography studio, did you know that? Yes. And I worked as the photographer’s assistant on shoots. Hauling equipment cases, tri-pods, light stands, reflectors, film bags, and camera bags. Let me just tell you right now, the only thing you wear as a commercial shooter is jeans. Or overalls. Or leggings and a giant shirt. You do not wear a fucking dress. There is no way you can scramble over the equipment, haul, tote, tug, carry, crouch and crawl in a fucking dress. Unless, to speak ill of the dead, you are Linda McCartney (nee Eastman) and you are shooting Warren Beatty while wearing a mini-skirt and you have chosen to go commando that day. Or so the old rock and roll rumor goes. Avital is no Linda Eastman, either.

Gather round! says Tim, and the designers all groan. It seems that they think that it is never a good thing when Tim asks them to gather round. But in this instance, it is merely Jeannie Syphu, the lead stylist for Tresemme, who is going to work with the girls on the hair portion of the make-overs. And guess what? The winning look will get a photo spread in Elle magazine. Whoo-hoo!!!

Now it’s time for Tim to do his walk around. Suede’s jacket is whackadoodle, to use Suede’s own word. The sleeves are not the same length, and the pockets aren’t even. And it’s fugly all the way around, but Tim doesn’t really go there.

Tim thinks that Straight Joe has made something for a lawyer, not a designer, but Joe says eh, a job interview’s a job interview, and doesn’t listen to Tim. There is a sudden out break of eye-rolling and sighing in the Casita des Zappatos.

Tim has nothing to say to Jerell except that the look is stunning and to be careful with the excess fullness in the jacket. Then he moves on to Kenley. He picks his words carefully with her, and tells her that it’s a cute enough dress (even though we’ve seen it before) but that maybe the tulle that is sticking out of the bottom about 5 inches deep all around could be NOT sticking out?

Kenley flounces into a confessional where in she says that Tim Gunn does NOT understand her design aesthetic. She is not gonna listen to that. She has never and will never change one damned thing for Tim Gunn. Hummph.

Straight Joe has daughters, you know, and he is on Project Runway to show them that you can live your dreams, blahblahblah. He also has an insight into the mother/daughter dynamic: it’s the 8th wonder of the world, he says. You will never, ever, ever get them to agree on anything. (Not true. Mummy had exquisite taste, and always bought me things that were divinely flattering and taught me how to dress myself to accentuate the positive. She was a fine clothes horse and the daughter of another, my Grandpa the tailor.)

Back in the dorms, Suede is waxing rhapsodic about his boogie nights dress to the other boys, and Kenley is holding court on the girls’ side with her wisdom and opinions about Suede: he’s a poseur. He has no talent. He has no right to be there. Suede’s particular problem, she feels, is his inability to bend his design sense to meet the challenges. “He can’t change.” A-hem. Miss Pot? I’d like to introduce you to Mr. Kettle. I think you’ll find you have a lot in common.

Runway Day

Joe’s girl likes the suit once she puts it on. So does Joe. That makes two and that may be the total number of votes for the pin-stripes. The fit is not flattering, to say the least. Kenley has given on of her fascinators to her client. Loud retching from the vicinity of the Casita des Zappata’s couch.

Jerell is wearing a huge acorn cap on his head. Or a bunch of dead leaves. Or a portrait hat made of velvet petals. I’m not sure. He says that Suede’s dress looks like 1992, and “that is going to work against you, my man.” I can’t stop staring at the thing on Jerell’s head.

Pop quiz: who said this: “I’m confident and I’m not impressed with anyone else’s work. I’m going to be in the top three for sure.” If you guessed Kenley, you probably find her as obnoxious as I do. On the runway, Heidi looks ravishing in a dark green Rami-of-the-Heavenly-Arms short, tight but not shiny dress. Our guest judge tonight is Cynthia Rowley. She’s wearing a necklace of leather oak leaves. She and Jerell must shop at the same forrest.

Straight Joe’s suit comes first, and again, the fit is awful. Leanne has made a cute little jacket to go over a darling little dress with a flippy skirt. Jerell’s high-waisted skirt and over-sized cardigan are amazing. Tilda Swinton would kill for this. Korto’s jacket is a masterpiece, and works nicely with the green print dress. Suede’s 1980’s disco dress and sloppy jacket, meh. Kenley’s poofy-skirted, tight bodiced same old same old is belted a wide pink belt that looks like the girl’s skin. Kenley says that it’s perfect.

Heidi calls up Kenley for the first review, and just laughs and laughs that Kenley has gotten herself a little “mini-me to dress.” I’m thinking that Heidi likes Kenley about as much as I do. NinaGarcia rather unenthusiastically agrees that in this instance, it is a cute look. Michael Kors says that it’s a case of the right dress and the right styling for the job of an accessories buyer.

Straight Joe’s interview suit does not go over as well. Cynthia asks why a suit? Miss Kors says that it looks like a 60-year old’s idea of what a girl should wear to an interview and Kenley loudly guffaws at Joe’s discomfort. Charming gal. The suit is just too clichéd, the judges all agree. They also agree that Korto’s work is solid and stylish and perfect for a 21-year old. Cynthia Rowley loves the jacket (as well she should) and NinaGarcia points out how well made it is.

Leanne isn’t getting the love from the judges, at all. They demand that the jacket come off, and then the dress is approved. They hate the jacket and call the look matronly. But Jerell’s androgynous separates are back in the love column. Cynthia finds the whole look perfect for the girl’s body type. There is much, much love.

And then there is Suede’s photographer. Michael Kors just about topples out of his director’s chair when he hears that she’s a shooter. Cynthia says if you want something that goes day to night in that profession, you need to go home and change your clothes. Woof. NinaGarcia just says that the awful jacket is the merest tip of the iceberg of the problems inherent in Suede’s work.

Jerell, Kenley (dammit) and Korto are the top three, Joe, Leanne and Suede are in the bottom. The judges allow that Kenley’s design worked even though it was looking backward, stylistically, but for who and what she was designing for, it was deemed appropriate. Korto’s work is (as always) perfectly tailored and expensive looking. Jerell’s is the perfect expression of sophistication for a 22-year old girl.

Over in failure-land, Suede’s look was from another decade. Leanne’s dress was frumpy, and Joe’s was out of a time-capsule from the day of “Working Girl.”

Korto is robbed of yet another win, and sent backstage with a “you did well, and you’re in”. Kenley is in and completely pissed that she didn’t win, and sweet Jerell and his acorn cap are the winners. Jerell is over the moon, and says that it’s doubly sweet because it’s two in a row. Leanne is in because she’s good. That leaves Straight Joe and Suede in the spot lights. Joe took a beautiful girl and aged her 25 years. Suede made something impractical, overworked and dated. Joe goes home to his wife and daughters, proving once more that fashion is no place for a straight guy. Suede gets to stick around and annoy us for another week.

Next week we hear Kenley say “What does Tim Gunn know?” Here’s hoping that’s the last thing she says before she leaves.

In Nazi Germany, a Jew Catcher was a Jew who, in exchange for a little food, or a few months or years of life, would turn in their fellow Jews to be sent to the death camps. The most famous Jew Catcher was Stella Goldschlag.As inconceivable as her story may be for some, for others it was just survival… survival at the cost of her fellow man, but you know, survival. In her defense, she originally worked for the Nazis to save her parents. It didn’t work, they were eventually deported and killed, as was her husband. And she ultimately committed suicide in her old age, but you know…

I believe that Sarah Palin is the feminist equivalent of Stella Goldschlag. She would use her position as a woman of power to prevent other women from ever getting that power. She would help overturn Roe vs Wade. Why do I believe this to be true? Her politics and her religion. Here is an excerpt from an essay about that religion. You can find the whole article here.

Palin enjoys the enthusiastic backing of the Christian right because she is blindly obedient to the male hierarchy. She does not question. She submits and obeys. Her views on abortion and marriage, on the Middle East, on gays and the war against Islam are precooked. They are handed to her by men who claim to speak for God. And in power she would be the perfect conduit for an ideology that seeks, in the end, to eradicate individual moral choice and replace it with subservience to a terrifying Christian fascism.

On another note, this came over the transom yesterday, and I think it’s a wonderful idea. I pass it along to you, now and encourage you to make a donation.

Dear Friends:



We may have thought we wanted a woman on a national political ticket, but the joke has really been on us, hasn’t it? Are you as sick in your stomach as I am at the thought of Sarah Palin as Vice President of the United States?

 

Since Palin gave her speech accepting the Republican nomination for the Vice Presidency, Barack Obama’s campaign has raised over $10 million dollars.  Some of you may already be supporting the Obama campaign financially; others of you may still be a little over the primaries. None of you, however, can be happy with Palin’s selection, especially on her positions on women’s issues. So, if you feel you can’t support the Obama campaign financially, may I suggest the following fiendishly brilliant alternative?



Make a donation to Planned Parenthood. In Sarah Palin’s name. And here’s the good part: when you make a donation to PP in her name, they’ll send her a card telling her that the donation has been made in her honor. Here’s the link to the Planned Parenthood website:



http://www.plannededparenthood.org

You’ll need to fill in the address to let PP know where to send the “in Sarah Palin’s honor” card. I suggest you use the address for the McCain campaign headquarters, which is:



McCain for President

1235 S. Clark Street

1st Floor

Arlington, VA 22202



Feel free to send this along to all your women friends and urge them to do the same.

And finally, a little perspective on the Republican spin from a viral e-mail that I haven’t gotten yet, but found here:

If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you’re “exotic, different.”

Grow up in Alaska eating moose burgers, a quintessential American story.



If your name is Barack you’re a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.

Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you’re a maverick.



Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.

Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you’re well grounded.



If you spend 3 years as a community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate’s Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran’s Affairs committees, you don’t have any real leadership experience.

If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you’re qualified to become the country’s second highest ranking executive.



If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising two daughters, all within Protestant churches, you’re not a real Christian.

If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you’re a Christian.



If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.

If , while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state’s school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant, you’re very responsible.



If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family’s values don’t represent America’s.

If you’re husband is nicknamed “First Dude”, with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn’t register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.

Before I begin with the ANTM re-cap, I need to say that I am the shit. I’ve been on a roll in the kitchen, and Sunday I made a batch of the yummiest ever molasses raisin cookies. They are nice and chewy. Then last night, I came very, very close to the right recipe for my Grandma Dorfman’s potato pierogies. Just need to revise the dough recipe a little more. Maybe one less egg and roll the dough even thinner? But using the Cuisinart and the pasta roller made working the dough very easy. And they are tasty.

ANTM opens with Nikeysha interviewing that she needs to shut up. The award for most obvious statement of the season has just been won, folks. Tyra Mail arrives to much squealing: “Would you bend over backwards to be a top model?” Must be posing lessons with Benny Ninja, who is much less fabulous now that he’s a regular, but you know, familiarity and all. And yes, it is. Sheena is very bendy. The hamsters have to pose in sheer fabric tubes. It’s awful. Hannah tries hard and fails, Nikeysha has no neck and looks like she’s in pain. The girls are told to go home and practice. Instead, they go home and play Truth or Dare in the hot tub.

Sheena discusses her overt hoochiness and how she tries to hard to play it down. The award for most disingenuous statement of the season has just been won, folks. Clark is dared to kiss Elina, and she does. Elina loves it. Hannah is offended by the excess of sex and sex talk and sexy, and thinks cold showers all around would be better than the hot tub. Isis makes the mistake of getting too near Hannah, and Hannah gives Isis a shove. She then interviews that she’d never hang around someone like Isis in real life, you know, a transgendered person. Hannah’s from Alaska, right? I’m just sayin’. (CoughcoughPALINcough)

Back in the hamster house, Britney and Sheena are all over Hannah for being racist, or at least prejudiced against transgendered persons. Then they gossip about her behind her back. Someone who doesn’t have issues with Isis is Analeigh, who helps her with her hormone shots and says that she was touched and flattered that Isis would trust her to help. That’s more like it.

Oh, well. Time to go to a photo shoot. This is an audition for Tarina Tarantino, who is an accessories designer and who is wearing Britney Spears’ old hot pink wig. Nikeysha walks on to the set and announces that if she pisses herself while modeling, it’s all in the line of duty or something, because she has to go wicked bad. This does not go over well with Tarina or Benny Ninja or Mr. Jay. Or with the folks out here in TeeVee land. Good lord, they just get classier every season. Speaking of which, Sheena attempts to do high fashion by being very bendy (i.e.: her ankles behind her head) while on a settee, and placing the hot pink purse in her exposed crotch. Now, not to be too erudite or anything, but “purse” has been a euphemism for twat for a few centuries now, and someone like Sheena, who appears to have no small amount of experience in the sex trade, should maybe know that, yeah? In any event, it is an appalling exercise in bad taste and even worse posing. Yeesh.

Isis got stuck in her own head (model speak for thinking too hard about posing). Hannah worked the chandelier (I have no idea why she thought a purse in a hanging lamp would be couture. Maybe because she’s from Alaska, and never saw electric lights growing up? Sheena gets called out for having no respect for the purse, and Elina gets the win.

Another day, another Tyra Mail: this one involves climbing ladders to the top. But before we go do that, let’s sandbag Hannah. A house meeting is called for the express purpose of talking about her alleged racism to her face. She sobs in the confessional that she’s just a misunderstood piece of white trash and is NOT a racist. We’ll see.

There is a park. There is a hot air balloon. There is a rope ladder hanging over the side, and the plan is to have the girls dangle off the rope ladder, while the balloon hovers about 40 feet off the ground. Nobody has a nervous breakdown over this, so the producers decide to just use a crane, hang the girls about 15 feet off the ground and over a big old cushion. Man, I HATE when the legal department interferes in the creative process. On the other hand, Sutan, over in hair and make up is giving all sorts of advice that the hamsters aren’t listening to.

A quick synopses of the shoot: Lauren Brie looks like Dior. Elina is OH MY GOD an ethereal Angelina Jolie (insert big old ethereal fucking yawn). Sheena is hootchie, hanging on to that ladder with no hands or legs, just with one rung wedged between her butt cheeks. Mr. Jay gets a leetle flustered over that. Isis struggled with her face, and because we still like Isis, we’re just gonna let that slide. Nikeysha was awful (and talky). Hannah looked scared. Samantha had no idea what was happening with the garment, and since you are supposed to be an animated clothes hanger, this is rightly viewed as a bad thing. M’Key changed poses too fast, and by the time the photographer had his shot lined up, she had moved on.

Back at the house, there is Tyra Mail announcing that one girl will be sent home. Sheena tells the other hamsters to start packing their bags, because she is the shit, and she will be the winner. The other girls all stare at her, and even though she may have meant it as a joke, nobody is even smiling. Oops.

Judging! Analeigh has a blank face. Samantha should not wear shiny fabric. Shiny fabric is not your friend. Hannah’s face doesn’t work. Nikeysha is way too skinny. The judges think she has an eating disorder. But her face is stunning! Still, try a burger and fries, girlfriend. Lauren Brie has the broken doll look that the judges all adore. M’Key needs to hold her poses. Isis needs to look like a model at judging: dress edgier! Elina was the challenge winner and is the Angelia Jolie look alike. There is much love. Sheena has the hootchie and just won’t let it go. She’s wearing hot pants and a cropped tank top at judging. The judges tell her to cover it up. Then Paulina asks about the boobs: are they real? Sheena is offended by this and says, they sure are and they’re big and spectacular. Brittney has a career in high-end catalog work. Joslyn is effortless.

The girls are sent out so that the judges can caucus. Samantha needs her hair chopped off in a high-fashion ass whooping make over. Lauren Brie is in the top 5 ever. Sheena is vulgar. (You think?) Clark needs a scrubbing. And an ass whooping. And maybe a sharp blow to the head. Brittney is just a catalog girl. Call the hamsters back in and hand out the pics. Then Sheena interupts to say, well, you know, she lied. Yeah the tits are totally implants and she feels bad for having denied it. She gets praise for fessing up.

Lauren Brie is stunning and gets the first photo. Then Elina, Josyln, Marjorie, M’Key, Samantha, Sheena, Hannah, Clark, Brittney, Analeigh and that leaves Isis and Nikeysha in the bottom two. NOES!!! Not Isis?! And no, not Isis. She stays, and Nikeysha goes. She doesn’t ever shut the fuck up, say the judges, and to prove it, she proceeds to talk over Isis saying thanks. She talks while she’s being shown the door, and she keeps on talking as Tyra tells her to shut it, because this is Isis’ moment to cry and say thank you. Nikeysha doesn’t shut it though, she gives an exit interview that continues on and on and on in voice-over, long after the door to the Hamster House has shut and the credits have begun to roll. Sad, really.

Next week? Makeovers! Our favorite! There will be tears, there will be bad weaves and worse bleach jobs, and! A Top Model FIRST!!! Yeah!!! Meet me on the couch, bitches. I’ll have the martinis on ice.

I’m feeling a little dyspeptic today, what with the boss blasting CNN throughout the office, and messages of “certain death” if people stay along the Texas coast, and the mind-numbing adoration of that Republican fuck puppet, Sarah Palin. So to make myself feel a little better, I give you the Rude Pundit’s advice to the Obama campaign. I’ll be following it as I argue with the right, I suggest you do, too.

You want the best route? Here it is: emasculate John McCain. Use Palin to cut his nuts off. Constantly say shit like, “Am I running against John McCain or Sarah Palin?” or “If the Republicans wanted her to be president, they should have nominated her” or “Maybe Republicans are used to a vice president that runs the show” or whatever. Make McCain have to defend himself. Turn him into Palin’s bitch. It’ll make him insane. And if there’s one thing that Republicans hate most about women, it’s the perception of the castrating bitch telling men what to do (see all the shit about Hillary Clinton).

Morning in the Gotham, and Terri is singing “Ding-Dong, the Witch is Dead” and making sure that we all know that she means StellaBarbarella. Have we remarked on the vast expanses of class that Terri shows from week to week? No? That would be because she doesn’t. Kenley is happy and chirping about how fly she is and how she knows that she is going to go all the way to Bryant Park with her fabulosity.

Leanne still keeps her model and the hapless Kendall goes home. There are “special guests” this week, and they turn out to be the previously eliminated designers. Not to worry, Heidi assures those who have not yet been eliminated, they are only here to work with you, not to replace any of you. That’s a relief. This is the Avant Garde challenge. The current and former contestants will be paired and must choose one of their astrological signs as the inspiration for their design. There is a large budget ($250) and a long work period (2 days). The designers are lined up in astrological order and their partners chosen by Tim from the button bag. Here are the teams, their signs and the one they choose to work from:

Korto/Aquarius & Kelly/Cancer (Aquarius)

Kenley/Aquarius & Wesley/Scorpio (Aquarius)

Straight Joe/Aries & Daniel2.0/Sagittarius (Aires)

Leanne/Libra & Emily/Scorpio (Scorpio)

Oompa-Loompa-Licious/Libra & Stella/Scorpio (Libra)

Terri/Sagittarius & Keith/Leo (Leo)

Jerrel/Sagittarius & Jennifer/Taurus (Sagittarius)

Suede/Sagittarius & Jerry/Libra (Libra)

Now, remember how well Terri and Keith worked together the first time? Yeah. That was a Martin & Lewis relationship compared to now. They loathe each other heartily, and Terri has her full bitch on. Keith still isn’t over being auffed and he’s a little fragile. Raw meat to Terri, and she sinks her teeth into it. Tim hands out dossiers about the signs and their attributes and gives the groups half an hour to sketch.

At Mood, Kenley is ordering Wesley around, and he’s meekly obeying her every whim. Terri bitches about Keith and tries to order him around, and then ignores everything he has to say. No, let me rephrase that, she abuses his every idea and comment and THEN ignores his input. When he asks what he can do she tells him to count the pins that fall on the floor.

Daniel2.0 (remember him? He had exquisite taste and high ideals of glamour?) and Joe have done an amazing sketch. I may look into that at auction. It is drop. fucking. dead. gorgeous. Too bad Daniel2.0 didn’t bring that in the earlier part of the game, because it is clearly his drawing and it is clearly FIERCE.

Jerry (remember Jerry and his clothes to commit serial murders in?) is going on about how he’s won major awards for his avant garde work, so if his partner will listen to him, they’ll win. Uh-huh.

Leanne is tired of Kenley’s overconfidence and obnoxious attitude, and she’s sharing that feeling with Emily. Kenley is like, two feet away and can hear everything, and shares with her partner, Wesley, that the other two are being high-school bitches and she won’t let them sit at her table in the lunch room, anyway, so there. Flounce.

Tim comes to do his little look-see and starts with Oompa-Loompa-Licious and Stella. They are going to play with scale. Get it? Libra, the scales? Scale? Weight and balance? Get it? Tim tells them to be sure that there is cohesion in their parts and Oompa-Loompa-Licious just says holla atcha boy and Tim doesn’t even acknowledge it, but just walks away. Is Timmy over Oompa-Loompa-Licious?

Jerell has used a really odd, geometric fabric for the skirt of his gown. It looks stiff and almost menswear. Tim is flummoxed by the fabric choice and tells Jerell that he is so far out on the precipice that he is either going to crash badly or win. “I’m perplexed.” he finishes, and leaves.

Leanne is using her noodles/flaps again, but this time in the service of creating a sort of exo-skeletal shape for her Scorpio dress. Interesting.

Kenley has chosen her usual appalling and unattractive florals, a purple plaid and tulle. Tim tells her that there is a fine line between avant garde and costume and she blows up at him. “Costume?” she shrills, “What costume? What show would this be in?” (Miz Shoes thinks that a sad sort of Cirque du Soleil clown might wear it, what with the grossly oversized purple plaid leg-o-mutton sleeves and the pouffe skirt and the bad color combinations) Tim says that it looks like Glinda, the good witch of the North, and Kenley just snorts that Glinda would never look so “fabulous”.  Tim just looses his patience at that point and says “Fine. Don’t listen to me, then.” And if ever more ominous words were spoken, I do not know. GAH!!!! Always listen to Tim Gunn, designers.

Terri and Keith are silent. Tim reminds Terri that Keith has great ideas and that she should listen to him. Keith rolls his eyes and Terri looks at Tim. Oh. Oh, sighs Tim. Riiiiight.

In other news, the clothes need to premier at a cocktail party at the Museum of Science & Planetarium at 8 pm, cutting the work time by 4 hours. Also? No more immunity. And? Two designers are getting auffed tonight. Terri responds to this by telling Keith to leave her alone to work. He says that she’s an angry and bitter person and that he isn’t designing costumes for The Lion King (which is a pretty accurate description of both Terri and her dress). Kenley, continues to trash everyone else’s work. Korto is pinning her dress onto the model to make it to the party.

We break for commercial and look, Chemistry.com has gay match-making. Good for them. At the Planetarium, the judges for the evening are previous Project Runway designers who still live in New York or its environs. I recognize Daniel V., Jay Carroll, Christian Puffysleeves & Kara Janx. Oh, I’ve missed Daniel V. True to form, Terri is complaining about other designers picking the winners. She is standing with Keith, and totally ignoring him as they talk to Christian. Christian hates her Lion King collar (HAH!).

Kenley takes offense at Heidi questioning her design and the placement of the bust line on her monstrosity. Kenley basically rips Heidi a new one. It’s pretty, uh, ballsy? Insane? Suicidal? Gutsy? Heidi doesn’t care, and takes on the matter of Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ onesie with attached wads of fabric. She tells him that the color of the unitard looks like Granny Panties. She has a point.

Daniel V is awed by Jerell’s work. He counts 6 trims and 7 different fabrics, and is completely in love with the look. There are peacock feathers, and bronze and I can’t tell what all.

It’s the morning of the show, and Terri is cutting off the collar per Christian’s critique. Keith makes one more half-hearted attempt to help, and goes off to take a nap, since Terri wants him around like a case of head lice. Kenley is re-doing the bodice on her dress to satisfy Heidi, not because it was wrong. Suede is back to the third person, full time, and interviews that “Suede is rilly, rilly sad that 2 people are going home.”

Straight Joe has been on the show long enough that he lets out his inner bitch to say that Kenley’s piece is so Mickey Mouse (or Minnie) that she needs to be in the bottom two. Tim has to find Keith, sleeping in the breakroom, in order to get him out to the runway for the show. And what the HELL is Jerell wearing today? Girl, get a grip on yourself.

The judges tonight will not be selecting the winner, that was done by the former contestants last night. What they will be doing are choosing the two designers to go home, and providing color. The guest tonight is Francisco Costa, lead designer for Calvin Klein.

Korto, Jerell, Leanne and Straight Joe are the top designers and are sent off stage while the bottom four are savaged by the judges.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious is first, and has to defend his Libra/weight and scale design. It is called haphazard by Nina. Michael Kors is not having any of it, saying that it isn’t forward, it isn’t pretty and it looks like the model is pooping fabric. I’m all for odd beauty, he says, but this isn’t beauty, it’s only odd.

Michael is impressed with the pairing of two fire signs: Terri & Keith. This should have been brilliant, but the personality clash has caused this to look like “Voodoo princess in hell.” All taste, says Miss Kors, has flown out the window. The word we are looking for to describe the expression on Keith’s face (and the evil in his heart) is scheudenfraude.

But wait, there’s more. Kenley’s aquarian design is attacked by NinaGarcia as having absolutely nothing to do with the zodiac. Oh, yes, it does, she says. NinaGarcia shrugs, eloquently. And then we get to Suede, still working that third person like she is the Queen of All England. “Suede and Jerry chose Libra. Suede didn’t want to go too crazy, so Suede pulled back.” Michael says it looks like department store, off-the-rack.

And then the designers are sent away for the real cutting to begin. Michael says that Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ piece is just unbearable to look at… a joke. Ooooh, says Heidi, that’s bad (waits a beat) but true. Michael makes no pretense about his feelings about Kenley. He hates her. He mocks her “I don’t look at other designers” remark. Well, honey, you should, he says. As for Terri? NinaGarcia hated it. It looked cheap. (Always the death knell for NinaGarcia) And Terri didn’t take any responsibility for her work, trying to blame Keith for walking away (count the pins that fall on the floor??). But Michael brings the full bore of The Duchess to bear on poor little Suede. It seems that this is the first time that Miss Kors has heard Suede use the third person. In addition to his work being boring and tacky, MK says that Suede is not ready for the third person. Not at all. Miss Kors thinks that there was way too much ego on display from a bunch of rank amateurs tonight and she is having none of it.

Jerell is named the winner, and poor Straight Joe is robbed!!! Kenley gets to stay, but only because they couldn’t send three designers home tonight. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is sent back to Portland to find his tan, Suede is allowed to stay so that Michael can sharpen her claws on him next week, and Terri is given the boot for being a bitch and a talentless hack. See? Justice in the world.

Next week? Michael Kors gags.

WHEEEEE!!!! Back wit da bitches and de hos.

Where does the time go? It seems like only yesterday we were cheering on Big Whitney, and dissing the other hamsters (whose names we have already forgotten), and here we are, back on the sofa, cosmos in one hand, notebook in the other. Shall we begin?

We are in El Ay, and there is a bio-diesel bus and lots of very skinny girls. They are being taken to the Top Model Institute of Technology, where they will be molded into potential top models. Or just reality teevee fodder. Either way, yo? There is much silver, and bad special FX and Miss Jay in a white blonde wig and Mr. Jay in a really cute set of short extensions, giving him a tousled look. We love it.

The girls fly by: Sheena is Asian and from Harlem. Elina is a vegan and into animal liberation. This is a cause only someone with an IQ below room temperature can get behind. Does this mean I shouldn’t have a house cat or spay or neuter it? Because surely keeping the Ming inside is alien to his widdle kitty nature. As is neutering him. I’d better stop now before I digress to far into that train of thought. There is Isis (I had a Russian Blue named Isis) who can’t walk to save her life, and Clark who claims that her walk is intimidating. I think she means imbecilic. Joslyn twirls around for no apparent reason.

The 2 Jays reveal the Glaminator 11.0 which is a large box, and after they shake it around, out comes the Tyra-Bot. This entire set was designed by someone who thought the sets on the 1970s-era Dr. Who were too sophisticated. And who also found the original Star Treks too well written and acted. TyraBot and company demand to be beamed up fiercely.

The hos reveal their secrets to the panel: Joslyn says that her mind was opened. I’m not sure by what. Some blue-eyed blonde claims to be exotic. Only in Syria, babe. Clark reveals that she is a mean-spirited, manipulative cunt. Casey, who is Black, tells Tyra and the Jays that she is white because she has white friends…who aren’t really her friends because they don’t understand why she won’t go swimming with them. CLUE: It’s the hair.  Marjorie is French and although she came to America as a seven year old, still talks like a French Canadian with a mild speech impediment. She’s got the Agynss Deyn thing going on and seems to live in black tights. It’s kind of cute…now.  Veronique is a Mormon. Those people are like belly buttons on reality shows: everybody has one. Isis was one of the extras in last year’s homeless shoot. She was homeless and living in a shelter. And she’s a he. With an Adam’s apple and a man’s voice. She’s pre-op. Sheena has a tongue stud which we see whenever she talks. Clark’s really a self-involved bitch. Hannah is from Fairbanks and didn’t have running water, electricity or indoor plumbing until she came to LA for the show. Joslyn has auditioned at least three times each season, which, by her tally means that she’s tried out at least 30 times. No wonder they let her on. Get over it, already.

Elina explains herself a little more. She’s not just a vegan, she’s a bi-sexual vegan who wants to convert all the hamsters to Sapphic love. And with that we cut to Big Whitney’s first Cover Girl commercial. She’s cute, she enunciates and has inflection to her voice. It is the first ANTM “my life as a cover girl” commercial in 10 seasons that does not make me throw things at the teevee. RJ and I just stare at each other in dumbfounded amazement.

Brittney S (There are three Brittneys in the running) has red hair of a color not found in nature. She is really, really pretty and a cage fighter. RJ and I have high hopes of a smack-down somewhere around week 5. Susan is a Harvard grad, with a double major in English Lit and something else. Tyra asks her who her favorite English Romantic heroine is and the crickets come out to chirp. She does not know from the sisters Bronte, from Dickens, from Austen. She can’t even summon up a brain cell for Jack London’s White Fang. Hell, I would have been amused if she could have done Soupy Sales’ White Fang. She does nothing for Harvard’s rep.

Samantha wants to “change the industry” and cannot name five designers or models. We are in the idiots who will only get air time to prove we do have a vetting system portion of the evening. The models have been winnowed down to 20, and the only way they will find out if they are in or out is to place their hand on the sci-fi scanner. If they are in, they will be granted access to the next room. It’s sort of cruel, which is why we like it. They have 5 minutes to get into their metallic cat suits and do their own make up. Then, there will be photos. The TryaBot and the Alpha and Beta Jays beam fiercely for the second and I hope last time.

Our final selection is: Sheena, Analeigh, Nikeesha, Marjorie, Samantha, Elina, Brittney R, Brittney S, Brittney B, Hannah, Lauren, Isis, Clark and Josyln. One of the girls has a pair of lucky ANTM panties. I hope she goes home first.

PART TWO

The first thing we have to do is make two of the Brittneys change their names. My girl crush cage fighter becomes M’Key. Brittney B is Shauron. Isis is causing much confusion and concern among the other hamsters. How does she hide the junk? Tape. M’Key is totally into Isis and bonds immediately. Clark and one of the other nameless, faceless, brainless hamsters, however, are disturbed by the presence of a “man” among the mice. Honey, she isn’t into you. She don’t want to use the junk. Accept this person as the greatest gift Tyra has ever given you, and consider her your biggest competitor. DUH. No, they are all about the hate, these two. And then Clark rags on my girl M’Key. I’m not feeling the love for Clark. I hope she gets a shitty make over.

The hamsters are taken to the Magic Castle Hotel and Private Club for Magicians. There they meet some hack who pulls Nigel and Paulina out of another box. Time for some introductory face time with the judges. Marjorie answers Nigel’s question: Who’s your favorite fashion photographer correctly: You, Nigel. Nigel interviews that the only girl who knew anything about the industry was Isis. HAH! And then Nigel finds out she’s packing a little extra.

The hamsters get home to find some basics: black pumps, skinny jeans, plain t-shirts. Unfortunately, nobody has yet to tell them that the chonga earrings have to go, and they are ALL wearing the chongas.

Their first shoot will be a politically-themed one. Mike Rosenthal, one of Tyra’s favorite shooters will be on deck. Marjorie takes on Immigration. She shows some variety and some awkwardness. Brittney does the Military and doesn’t suck. Clark has no idea what her word means: Bureaucracy, but when she sees all the red tape on the set, she thinks she may have a hint. It doesn’t help her. She’s stiff, plastic and Barbie. M’Key fights for the Environment. Literally. Little boxer stance. But pretty. Big Whitney gets A SECOND AD. And it doesn’t suck either. RJ and I are charmed

Hannah has to deal with Nukes. She isn’t sure how she feels about the issue. Isis has Privacy as her assignment and Clark and another couple of girls are used in the background. They spend their time behind the screen telling Isis she needs a shave and making other hateful sniping. Isis sucks it up and does beautifully. Classy kid. Isis is my early favorite. Well, Isis and M’Key. Sheena/Energy; Joslyn/Unemployment; Analeigh/Health; Sharaun/Homeland Security (and she bitches and moans); Samantha/Economy; Lauren/Education; Nikeysha/Cloning. They pretty much all suck.

At judging, Miss Jay’s schtick for the season is going to be giant blinged out numbers on a chain. It looks like it came from Flava Flav’s House of Bling. Nigel and Paulina start arguing immediately. Nigel sees nerves when he looks at Marjorie and Paulina sees a brain. Sharaun couldn’t pose. Clark was awful and didn’t understand the concept. Elina is hailed as the second coming of Katherine Zeta-Jones. I think by me. Nikeysha’s legs look lumpy and she argues with the judges and makes excuses.

Samantha is clocked for looking like she “went crazy at the mall” when she dressed. Joslyn is made to loose her accessories, too. Hannah is told to lose the “Gossip Girl” headband. Isis is told to take care of her raggedy hair, but her photo was perfect.

Miss Jay makes up a new word for Sharaun: Fladunkasauress, but it’s Clark who is called the worst in the bunch. The best picture of the week goes to Marjorie, and in an effort to work the nerves of the house bitches, her photo will be on display for the week in the house. Nice. Isis gets the second photo.

The bottom two are Sharaun and Nikeysha. Nikeysha is called touchy and argumentative, but Sharaun is just bad and uninspiring. She is out. And drops like a rock to the ground and moans and weeps and howls. Wow.

Next week, Elina kisses Clark in the hot tub and Hannah isn’t sure if she’s a racist.

I am of two minds about the Large Hadron Collider. My first instinct, as a quantum mechanics wonk and all-round science geek is “WAY COOL!”. I am excited and anticipatory and can’t wait to see the results/read about the science. The other instinct is a little less enthusiastic and tends more towards running around shrieking “Oh my god, we’re all gonna die!” Except that most of the folks trying to convince us all of the second point of view seem to be fundie religious conservatives and UFO abductees and other persons whose intelligence and logic I tend to scoff at in ways both impolite and impolitic. (I love that the scientist is quoted as saying that anyone who thinks the LHC will destroy the earth is a twat.) I have to keep reminding myself that Steven Hawking has given his stamp of approval to this project, and in fact, is waiting to see if it proves a lot of his theories. When we get right down to it, if this science is good enough for Steven Hawking, then it’s good enough for me.

Besides, as a species we tend toward the long-term destruction of the world (global warming, loss of habitat, ozone depletion, over population, food and water inequities among the inhabited areas). Just winking ourselves out by creating a black hole doesn’t really jibe with our modus operandi.

I leave you (hopefully just till the next entry) with this little number: the Hadron Rap. Rock out, physics geeks.

I love John Stewart. And no, I just can’t leave off worrying this particular bone.

It is morning, and we see the designers in their un-natural habitat. Stella is attempting to make coffee. It seems that she has never done this before and is using a giant pot-stirring wooden spoon to measure out the grounds. She refers to it as a tablespoon. I fear for her. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is sticking his little arm in a tiny patch of watery sunlight and attempting to photosynthesize. I fear for him, as well. Suede is complaining that Keith’s auffing has forced him, Suede, into the remaining suite with the rest of the boys and he’s not happy about it. I suspect that they are not happy, either.

At Parson’s, we are forced to endure another week of the winning designer not changing models. There are air-kisses, there are good byes. There is Tim Gunn, coming around the scrim, to tell the designers about their next challenge. They will be designing for a fashion legend. To find out who that is, they must follow him on yet another field trip.

As they walk, they speculate as to who this legend might be. An older celebrity? Oompa-Loompa-Licious hopes that it will be Mary-Kay Olsen, because he lurves her and wants to marry her. Oh, good lord. Does that mean Oompa-Loompa-Licious is straight, or that he wants to borrow her clothes because they wear the same size? Fortunately, this idle chatter is cut short as they arrive at their destination in the meat packing district. They enter a show room. It has pretty colors. It has a stairway made of glass that goes on forever. And descending the staircase is their legendary fashion figure: Diane Von Furstenberg. And descending. And descending. This gives the designers plenty of time to get all worked up, and Kenley lets loose with the tears. Jerell declares it a dream come true.

The challenge? To design a look for her fall collection, which is based on the Marlene Dietrich classic film “A Foreign Affair.” DVF gives them a 45 word plot synopsis, and half of those words are locations. Berlin. Shanghai. Paris. New York. Fabulous. Glamour. Where’s Daniel2.0, now? The designers will be allowed to ransack her workroom and use the actual fabrics she’s using in the fall line. The winner will get their garment manufactured and sold exclusively to American Express card holders, due to their sponsorship of the show, and DVF’s contract with Amex. This gets me a touch excited, because, hey! I have an American Express card. Here’s hoping that DVF makes clothes in sizes larger than Princess Puffysleeves does for Bluefly.

The designers have 15 minutes to grab all the fabric they can from the workroom. Jerell recognizes that this isn’t cheap crap and says that he is in heaven. Kenley cries. Stella can’t reach the bolts of black cloth that she wants and asks Tim to get it down for her. He tells her to figure it out, get someone else to do her heavy lifting, or find other fabric. Terri has glommed onto some black mohair from which she intends to make a jacket, some silk with an ugly, fireworks print and then interviews that she’s got the goods to make a pair of (and I quote, really. RJ went back and forth with the TIVO for at least three minutes to be sure) “sickening” pants.

At Parson’s, the designers have about 10 hours to review the look book from DVF’s fall line, design and construct. Leanne is relieved to have immunity in such a hard challenge, but she’s gunning to win again, any way. Straight Joe is doing layers and anticipates making 2 or 3 pieces. Jerell is doing a jacket, top, skirt, gloves and a hat. Kenley is crying. But she’s also going to do just one piece: a flawless, perfect dress that is the embodiment of 1930s Shanghai. She says.

Suede, who learned everything he ever knew about pre-war Berlin from repeated viewings of Cabaret, is going to do a masculine/feminine mash up with a camouflage-like print dress and a herringbone tweed vest. He interviews in THE THIRD PERSON (A-Fuckin-Gain) that “Suede is just focused on what Suede is here to do…hoping DVF adores it” and makes a widdle heart out of his fingers. There is sudden mass retching as MJ, RJ, The Number Three Surrogate Daughter and I all try not to lose the cosmos MJ has made.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious is working with black and has a pile of neon colored fabric at the ready. He interviews that he is a risk-taker, and he’s going to go out on a limb, and not just make another pair of pants like someone he could name. And he rolls his googly eyes. Speaking of the devil, Terri has made some high-waisted pants out of a tweedy, mens-wear fabric.

Stella, Leanne and Terri take a break to have a snack. Leanne asks Stella what she is going to make, and Stella gets very tight-lipped. She doesn’t want to reveal too much to the competition. Stella interviews that she isn’t telling anyone anything because she doesn’t trust Terri. Terri is badgering Korto about what she’s planning and Korto throws down that she’s making a vest. You wanna make a vest, Terri? Go ahead and we’ll take ‘em down the catwalk and see what happens. I’m thinking that nobody likes Terri.

Jerell is working with a dark blue fabric. Korto is saying that she wants to just blow DVF away. Stella, it turns out, is making a vest, a pair of pants and a cape. How this is different from everything else she’s done is yet to be seen. Straight Joe is working magic with a dusty rose fabric. He’s made a backless, wrapped blouse with a high, Asian-influenced collar and black frogs down the front. RJ and I love it.

Leanne is showing a cropped, oversize trench coat over a long evening gown. Her drawing shows a jacket that is so cropped, it looks like a trench bolero. I’m concerned. More disturbing is Leanne’s spy playing that involves skulking around corners and well, more skulking. Suede says that Suede would love to be a spy, but that the blue hair might be a give away. Terri talks trash about Kenley’s little dress. Kenley is still crying.

Finally. Three hours to go, and in comes Tim for a walkabout. He starts with Suede, who is still delusional about what camouflage looks like. Tim has concerns, Suede has crossed fingers (literally) that Suede is going to Bryant Park.

Leanne’s dress is sublime, he says, but edit the jacket: it looks sloppy. It is nothing like the cropped little drawing. Straight Joe’s Shanghai Lil ensemble is found to be ambitious. Tim is concerned about the amount of work left to do in the time remaining. Korto’s using a black and white print and a lemon yellow for accent. There’s a peek of the yellow along the armholes, and she’s piling it on as an underskirt to her evening gown. Tim first thinks the yellow looks like bra straps, then comes around to Korto’s point of view.

Stella explains, nasally, that she’s doing a pant/vest/cape. Maybe a small shirt? She’s wearing the Stupid Twee Hat of Doom. Don’t these people watch the show? The Stupid Twee Hat is right up there with Not Listening to Tim Gunn in the “guaranteed-to-get-you-thrown-off” category. Nevertheless, twee hat firmly perched askew on her black number one hair, Stella dismisses Tim’s advice that the judges found her work to be less than cohesive last week with this amazing exchange:

“They were clueless. That stylist with the oversized muumuu dress and waistband didn’t know any better.”

“Sorry, Rachel Zoe, we mean that in the nicest way poss..”

“No. I don’t. I meant it.”

“TIME!”

Kenley shows Tim her simple, beautiful silhouette with tears in her eyes. Tim warns her that that very simplicity could go either way for her. Kenley interviews (weeping the entire time) that this is Just. So. Big. She’s never designed for anything more high end than K-Mart or Wal-Mart. It is at this point that I realize that Kenley and Stella have the same, grating nasal voice. Not that K-Mart has anything to do with nasal.

Stella grates on about her perfect vest, which we on the couch can clearly see is not perfect, having fit issues and style issues and technique issues that are apparent to us, even in the soft glow of cosmos. She says that she isn’t going to listen to anyone about this. Knock, knock. Who’s there. Foreshadowing. Foreshadowing who? Foreshadowing that this is Stella’s last day at the rodeo.

We have made it to the morning of the runway show, and are rewarded with a shot of Jerell in his boxer/briefs, and just as quickly punished by a shot of Stella in her skin-tight leathers. In a small mercy, she is not wearing those damned Dr. Suess striped leggings. Hair and make up. Bluefly accessories.

Tim tells the designers to knock those pumps right off of Diane Von Furstenberg’s fabulous legs. Did she pay him to say that, do you think? We all notice that Kenley (who is still teary-eyed) is wearing pretty much the same dress as her model, but with large, fuchsia feathered epaulets. There is debate as we try to figure out if those are the fascinators she is so fond of wearing, or actual sleeve things. We finally agree that we don’t much care, and release the TIVO from its pause. This allows us time to watch the designers panic, diss each other and sew right until Tim shoves them out the door.

The guest judges tonight are Diane Von Furstenberg and Fern Mallis.

Joe’s design comes first, and from the couch, we’re loving the hooded shawl and wrap top. Leanne’s evening gown is perfect 1930s glamour, complete with a ruffle down the back seam. The micro-grey flannel trench coat is a little iffy. Terri sends out a furry trench coat thing, with the usual blah blouse and tight pants. Snore. Jerell’s concoction includes one of those Nehru hats he’s always wearing and a bunch of layers of stuff with a skirt that’s a little too short. Korto’s dress and jacket have lovely proportions and the color just pops against the black and white print.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious has made knickers. Or golf pants. Or something. It’s awful and we quickly move on to Suede’s fur-lined vest and faux-camo evening dress. Stella’s cape is sort of nice, in a British bobby sort of way. The vest and pants don’t fit, though. Last out is Kenley’s simple little dress.

Terri, Jerell and Oompa-Loompa-Licious are sent away as safe.

Korto’s look is free. DVF loves the yellow, and the Shanghai influence in the kimon-style wrap.

A close look at Straight Joe’s design reveals a lot of flaws in the workmanship. A lot. Michael says that the whole thing would land a woman in the “What was she thinking?” column in the fashion pages.

Kenley’s dress was colorful and chic. She stops crying long enough to say “I nailed it, didn’t I?” And the answer is no. Heidi says it’s pretty, but had nothing to do with DVF’s look book. Kenley says that’s because it was missing, and she filled in the blank. Diane very dryly thanks Kenley for her astute assessment of what her line needed. Kenley doesn’t recognize sarcasm when it’s wedged that far up her ass by DVF’s fine pumps. Michael allows as how it was beautifully made, and Fern Mallis likes it.

Stella is taken to task by Kors on the fit of every piece. She doesn’t care. Fern gets in a lick with “Stella wasn’t stellar.”

Leanne wows everyone. DVF loves the ruffles. Fern says that the whole look is a whole lot of good design. Suede, on the other hand, is loathed by everyone. The herringbone and print is derided. The skirt is torn to shreds. Michael throws the “Did she get dressed in the dark?” dish on Suede. Suede sort of whimpers that he didn’t think it was that bad. Suede is wrong.

The final results are: Korto is in. Poor Korto, always a bridesmaid, never a bride. I’m thinking she’ll be in Bryant Park, though. Leanne wins her second challenge, and does so going in with immunity. Way to go, little one. Suede is allowed to stay. That leaves Straight Joe and Stella standing in the spot lights. Straight Joe’s look was confused and the back a disaster. There was too much going on. Stella’s work was three pieces of ill-made crap. The entire look was bad, and she is told to leave. As she bends down to kiss Heidi’s cheek, Stella says that her ego was too big for this competition anyway and she never should have been there.

She goes into the back with the other designers and basically tells them all that she’s thrilled to be leaving and that the judges can all go suck eggs. Tim is only too happy to tell her to pack her bags, and she is more than delighted to oblige. And that, my dear readers, is that. Except for the final, nasal “fuck you if you don’t like my stuff, I’m a rock star” that Stella delivers. I rather think that if Jeffery-the-Pinheaded-Shmoo had been kicked off, this would have been the exit interview he gave. The two of them should get together.

Next week? Terri loses her mind.

I am transfixed by the Stepford Veep and her unwed, pregnant teenage daughter. It’s a train wreck that I can’t stop myself from watching, and of course, commenting on. Cynically commenting upon. And for all the people telling us that the pregnant daughter is a non-issue, to me, it is very much an issue, and only because she represents the failure of one of Palin’s firmest beliefs: that sex education should be abstinence education and no other method or mention of birth control should be addressed. That’s the sex ed Bristol had, and in the words of the LOL cat: Irony? She haz it.

So now, despite historic interviews and position papers and every other damned thing, we, the voting public are asked to accept that there was choice and free will involved in both Sarah and Bristol’s decisions to keep their babies: Sarah’s late-life Down Syndrome Trig, and the TBD spawn of the underage and unwed teen. The lack of logic in the arguments presented would give my old logic professor (Howard Pospesel) apoplectic convulsions.

A. I do not believe in choice (regarding abortion), to the point where, if my under-age daughter were raped, I would demand she carry the child full term.

B. My child is pregnant.

C. She had a choice, and made the decision to keep her baby and marry the father.

If I remember Dr. Pospesel’s class correctly, this is a fallacious argument, because point A states that there IS no choice. Therefore, point C can only be to carry the child. Unless they are saying that the choice portion was the intent to wed.

And just for good measure, the age of consent in Alaska is 16, which means that there is no cause to charge the baby daddy (who is over 18) with statutory rape.

But let’s just throw a few more links on the bonfire, shall we?

Book Banning? She’s all for it.

The oil boondoggle that’s lining Alaska’s pockets.

Maverick or Neophyte?

Privacy, Pregnancy and the Double Standard

The baby daddy.

RJ is particularly on point today, too.

And no evil, bitchy, inappropriate mud-slinging would be complete without the Rude Pundit’s take on the whole mess.

Sarah Fucking Palin?

That’s all you got? Are you kidding me? A creationist fundie with a suspect fifth child? Who defers to her husband, the oil-man?

Do you really think women are so stupid as to confuse this prom queen with Hillary Clinton? How utterly demeaning and dismissive to women is it to think that we’d not notice the basic differences between this twit and Hil? Thinks birth control is the same thing as abortion? Thinks that drilling in the Arctic Wilderness is a cure for oil dependency? Thinks unlimited and unending war in Iraq is a good thing? Thinks that being a hunter is the same thing as being an environmentalist? Thinks that

intelligent design should be taught in school?

Yeah, dead ringer for our Hillary, there. What? Do the Republicans honestly think that women will be eager to vote for anything with ovaries and a vagina? Like that’s the be-all and end-all of our concerns?

And good luck with the links. This woman’s web trail is getting scrubbed on a minute-by-minute basis.

ETA: More on Palin’s judgement/circumstances of her last child’s birth.

Well, fresh off the drag show, what could the Powers That Be at Project Runway give us that could be any better or even as good? We’ll find out soon enough. Open on a yellow/green Manhattan newsstand, with a shot of Elle Magazine. One of the Olsen trolls is on the cover. Yawn.

Kenley interviews that Daniel2.0 was her bestest friend among the designers and she’s sorry that he’s gone. Keith interviews that he doesn’t know how to behave being in the bottom two. (Miz Shoes says that Keith could have ended that sentence five words earlier.) Keith wants to change the way the world dresses. Keith has delusions.

We quickly get to model selection and Straight Joe wants to keep peace in the model world, so he keeps Carpacio/Topogigio. Jermaine and Elana go home. Heidi tells the designers that they will find their next challenge on the roof of 142 W. 31st Street. The designers sit there and wait for more information. What they get is a Teutonic MACH SCHNELL!!!

As they walk, the designers speculate. What crazy superstar will they be designing for? What crazy rooftop style? says Oompa-Loompa-Licious. (Hint to RJ, you don’t have to type his name every time, just do a copy and paste. That’s what I do.) Korto thinks that maybe they are going to Mariah’s penthouse. On West 31st? What crack are you smokin’, woman? The building turns out to be a parking garage, and this leads the designers to think that they are going to a party. I know that’s what I think every time I walk into a parking garage. I think PAR-TAY!!!! Or not. I’m just sayin’. The big-ass industrial elevator scares them all. What a fucking bunch of panty waists this group is. God. You know who wouldn’t have been scared by an elevator? My dearest, darling friend Paulie of the House of Gallofornia, that’s who. And no, I’m not letting it go.

Up on the roof is a line of Saturn hybrids, Tim Gunn and Chris Webb, who is introduced as the lead color designer for Saturn. They plug the Vue and tell us that 85% of the materials used in manufacturing the vehicle are recyclable, and since the designers all sucked using unconventional materials from Gristede’s in the first challenge, they are getting a do-over this week, using the raw materials from Saturn. They have 4 minutes and a push cart to do their best to strip the materials they can use from the cars. And as interesting as it would have been to give them crowbars and torches, all they have to do is open the cars and piles of raw material falls out. They scramble, except for Stella, who monotones nasally that it is embarrassing to rush around, and she isn’t moving. She is also less than inspired by ALL THE FUCKING PILES OF LEATHER. God. The woman is just never satisfied. All she wants to work in is leather, so when she gets it, she complains.

Terri is having a panic attack, and Kenley is bitching that these are things you make cars from, not clothes. No, I don’t know what her point was. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is snatching up seat belts. Straight Joe reminds us that he is from the Motor City and that he is straight, and that he has immunity and therefore, he is loving this challenge.

Jerell has taken a pile of dashboard decals, the cutouts that detail the intrument panels. Baroo? Suede uses the “word” whackadoodle, but does not refer to himself in the third person. It’s still not helping with his curb appeal, if you know what I mean. Leanne admits that she is clueless.

Back at Parsons, Tim tells the designers that they have till midnight and the winner will get immunity. Tim reminds them that the key to winning this challenge will be innovation. He exhorts them to have fun. Korto is clueless. Straight Joe is still into it, and has a carburetor. That’s … interesting. Keith continues to bitch and moan about how the judges have no appreciation of his fabulous designs and that he’s getting tired of sending out this magnificent work only to have the judges ignore him. Keith considers himself to be a pretty special snowflake, doesn’t he?

Suede goes back to referring to himself in the third person AND uses “whackadoodle” AGAIN. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Suede. Stella pouts and decides that using leather would be too predictable for her, so rather than do something fabulous and amazing and true to her vision and skill set, she decides to make something “pretty”. Judging by how she dresses herself and how she works her hair and makeup, I’m guessing that Stella and I would have very different definitions of pretty. We’ll see. Suede talks about some more dead relatives. Getting as old as the use of whackadoodle, there, sport.

Keith has stopped whining long enough to design a pencil skirt, although I would debate whether design is the right word when speaking of a straight skirt. I mean, it’s a straight skirt. And tight. That’s sort of the definition of a pencil skirt. There is nothing to design. Cut a pattern for, drape, maybe. Design? Not so much.

Korto is weaving the seatbelts into a heavy fabric, and she is going for an everyday coat. Kenley is sneering at the other designers who are using seatbelts. She claims that she is being innovative because she’s using a magic marker to draw a zebra pattern on the air-filters that she’s using to make a peplum. Didn’t Kelli do that with bleach and coffee stains on the vacuum cleaner bags in the first challenge? Oh. Sorry. Persistence of memory is a bitch. Sort of like Kenley.

The industrial sewing machines in the Parson’s workroom are having a hard time on the truly industrial materials, and tension is going off, threads and needles are breaking. Oompa-Loompa-Licious decides to sew by hand. He’s making a princess line dress out of the seatbelts. It actually looks like a dress. And it actually looks sort of nice. Huh? Does Oompa-Loompa-Licious actually have some design chops?

Jerell says that the other designers are having problems, but he’s just whistlin’ Dixie. I’ll let RJ speak to that issue.

Stella has ripped open a headrest cover and is calling it a helmet. She says she’s going to use it on her model for the runway. She says it looks like Planet of the Apes. She sticks it on Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ head, and he does a pretty good Darth Vader “LUKE, I’m your father.” Despite myself, I find him cute and funny at that moment. The Number Three Surrogate Daughter and the RLA both rush to slap me back to consciousness.

Tim comes in with the models for fitting, and tells Kenley that her model, Shannone, had to drop out, and that she’s being replaced by Germaine. Kenley pitches a fit, and whines at a level that would do Keith proud. Kenley claims that Shannone bailed on her and Jerell (it’s off camera, but I think it was Jerell) says that Shannone probably got a real job that paid real money, and that it is hard to be a model in New York. Kenley sympathizes with that and says she was sorry for being such a self-involved bitch. Actually, she doesn’t. She says that this is all about her and she has a right to be pissed if she wants to be.

Tim does his turn around the workroom. Oompa-Loompa-Licious says “Hi, Timlicious” and Tim looks like he has a toothache. He is as surprised at what Oompa-Loompa-Licious is working on as we are. Jerell has taken the car seat leather, but turned it inside out so that he’s working with the rough, suede side. He’s using the decals and lining them with black leather. It’s sharp.

Korto has made a swing coat. Tim tells her not to loose the 60’s mod sophistication. Leanne’s is well-executed and has a very daring silhouette. She has taken bits of either seat belt, or fabric seat cover, made tiny swatches and frayed the edges to create an eyelash fringe. It’s pretty amazing (ahem, KEITH). Speaking of whom, Tim visits him next and is bored senseless by Keith’s whining and blahblahblah, clean look. Tim escapes the workroom with a final word of advice: “Don’t lose your trajectory.”

Terri interviews that Korto’s sleeves are awful and that Korto’s work is awful and that it looks like some horror movie or another and cracks herself up to the point that she’s rolling around on the ground. Jerell says that “Terri’s got two faces and four patterns. Don’t trust the bitch.” Well said, Jerell. And, sting. In the sewing room, Keith is being a pissy little bitch to all and sundry, enough so that the other designers opine about his ability to handle stress. And it’s night. Cut to the Atlas/Gotham, where ever the hell they live these days.

Stella is talking to her boyfriend Ratbones. Rat. Bones. Yeah, I know. I can’t. I’m just gonna let that one lie where Jesus flung it.

Morning of the show, and Korto says that if she’s called in the bottom three, then it is on. She is not going without a fight. But with whom would she fight? Would she pull off Terri’s rat weave? Would she kick Heidi in the knee? Slap the orange right off of Michael Kors? Have a throw down with NinaGarcia? This could be fun, except that I like Korto and don’t want her gone, just yet.

Tim comes to the work room and tells the designers to work like there’s no tomorrow, because you know, for one of you there won’t be. Nice. I think that Tim’s over this group, too. Keith’s got some major fitting issues with his model and tells her not to sit down. Then she heads off to hair and make up. And comes back with ten minutes to show time. She has, in fact, had to sit for the stylists, and Keith just unravels. I ask her to do one simple thing, he shrieks, and she can’t even do that. Well, you know, if you are 6 feet tall, it is a little difficult for someone to do your hair if you are standing up. Think about it, do-rag boy. Stella is back in her Dr. Suess on bad acid leggings. Please make them go away. 

The Bravo poll is who would you rather hop in the back seat with: Oompa-Loompa-Licious or Kenley or all of the designers. The consensus in the Casita de Zapattos is that there should be a none of the above, or death option. The smug, naked bitch is still naked and advertising BlueFly. Come on, buy something already, skank.

On the runway, Heidi is wearing a short, shiny and tight little dress by Rami of the Heavenly Arms. We have two guest judges today. Sitting in for NinaGarcia is my old favorite Laura Bennett, who is still fabulous, and who was robbed. That grey and chartreuse gown still needs to be hanging in my closet. Our other guest judge is Hollywood stylist to the stars Rachel Zoe, the woman who single-handedly made most startlets orange and carry a handbag larger than Tom Cruise.

Jerell’s look starts the show, and the hair and makeup folks have taken his futuristic look and run with it. She looks amazing, and the cutouts and decals and suede have combined into a nice little dress, very modern and wearable.

Keith’s halter top and pencil skirt don’t even deserve this many pixels. Terri has made…wait for it…. tight pants! (that would be pattern number 1, eh, Jerell). Kenley’s design is a black leather halter top with an air filter peplum over a pencil skirt. Leanne has made a bubble skirt? A skirt with hip bustles? A very daring and exaggerated shape, and a tight bustiere with that seatbelt fringe along the sweetheart neckline. HOTT!

Suede has made a bustiere from the floor mats, and a short, silver fringed skirt from the sun shields. It actually looks like something Keith would have made, if Keith could make an actual fringe as opposed to swatches. Korto’s coat looks amazing. I don’t know how much steam she used to make it flexible, but it looks like a million dollars walking down the catwalk. Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ dress fits like crap, which is unfortunate, because for the first time in this competition I can actually see what he was attempting. He’s shattered a rear-view mirror to make spangles, which he’s applied to the neckline. The princess seaming could have been attractive and stylish, but it doesn’t fit the model, and as she moves, the gaps and fitting issues move with her, now gaping in the arm pit, now bunching at the breast. Straight Joe has produced a sort of motocross dress and done some color blocking. He’s the only one to have found red leather, and he’s used the part that says “VUE” as a sort of breastplate. It’s a very clean, very automotive look, and I can absolutely see this at an auto show, on the salesgirls as they stand on a revolving platform pitching the new model year offerings. I was right. Stella and I do not have the same idea as to what constitutes pretty. She’s made a mummy wrap/pencil skirt and topped it with one of her usual racer-back leather vests. Ho-fucking-hum.

Terri, Suede, Straight Joe and Kenley leave the runway, safe for another week. Oompa-Loompa-Licious, Jerell, Keith, Korto and Leanne wait for the axe to fall on one of their dreams.

Jerell’s futuristic look with the resin molding is hailed by Rachel Zoe for his tailoring, and his styling is loved by Michael. Heidi thinks it’s wearable.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious is called out for his fit by Laura (who would know about fit and evening gowns). Michale hates the carwash hem, and Rachel says the whole thing is the wrong length.

Korto is lucky that Rachel, Laura and Heidi don’t rush the stage and engage in a little hair-pulling over who gets to take the coat home. They all want it. Even Michael says that it has great, restrained drama. And it does. And not to be a nay-sayer here, but it also has the same damn, oversized silhouette that she always shows. Which is nice the first four or five times you see it, but is starting to get stale.

Leanne has the judges in fits over her innovative and risky look. Words like “chic” “interesting” “FAB-ulous” “well-crafted” and “beautiful” are tossed at her like confetti. Remember Thing 2 or Thing 1 who used to say that she was all Holly Golightly meets Salvador Dali? and who was as boring as dry dust? Yeah. Bitch. THIS is what goes with that description, not the crap you were putting out.

And then there’s

Keith. He starts by saying that he didn’t want it to look like car parts. Rachel notices that there is a big hole in the back of the skirt. Was it intentional or bad sewing? Laura says that there doesn’t seem to be a concept anywhere. Keith says “You should have seen my other designs.” Laura gapes, smiles politely, if somewhat frozenly, and says “Excuse me?” Keith takes the opportunity to rage against the machine. He’s been sending amazing work down the runway, and nobody has appreciated it. His model sat down. Michael Kors is a mean old meany. “There’s criticism and then there’s insult,” Keith grouses, “and last week I was told my dress looked like a chicken.” Michael tells him to put on his big-boy panties and sack up, ho.

The poll results are back and a full 37% of voters want to hop in the back seat with all of the designers. Presumably because they can stuff them into the trunk if they fold down the seat? The judges deliberate and Heidi, Rachel and Laura do a quick rock, paper, scissors to determine who gets Korto’s trench coat. Then the producers tell them that it’s the property of the show and to get on with the voting, already.

Jerell is in. Korto is in. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is in. Leanne is the winner. Pretty good for the drab little girl who said she was clueless as she looked at her materials. This leaves Stella and Keith in the bottom two. Stella’s look was boring, too simple and disconnected. Keith had a chance to be innovative, but he was boring. And he blamed the model and the judges for his failure. And he was a pissy little bitch. Keith is sent back to Salt Lake City. Keith cries like a baby and says that his biggest disappointment (other than going back to SLC) is that he’s being sent home for something that wasn’t even his vision. Really? Did SATAN put it in your head? Did SATAN make you sew that crap? No? Then I guess it was yours. Own it, you big baby. And p.s., loose the bandana head bands. Really. You’ll thank me one day.

Next week, legendary designer Diane Von Furstenberg, the woman who invented the wrap dress, comes to torture the designers. It could be fun. Or it could be as exciting as a freaking wrap dress.