Project Runway: Season 6, Episode 1

Designers? Introduce yourselves. Hi. I’m Ra’Mon and I went to med school and majored in Neurosurgery, so the first person who makes the “fashion ain’t brain surgery joke?” dies. Thankew. I’m Logan, and I’m from Seattle. I’m able to rebuild engines and I’m a strong pattern maker and the prettiest one in the room, boy or girl. I’m Jonny, and I have the requisite ugly tats. I’ve tried out before and I finally figured out why I didn’t get on Season 3 or 4. I was a CRYSTAL METH ADDICT! I figured out I’d have to quit that shit if I wanted to be a

fashion designer.

Girl designers, you got anything to beat that? Gordana is from some former Soviet Satellite or another and may have been part of the women’s wrestling team, judging by those shoulders. Malvin has bad hair, and enough androgyny to be included in the women’s group, although s/he’s bunking with the boys. Carol Hannah says she does wood nymphs go to cocktail party dresses and she used to sell for Gordana. Qristyl says her work is plus sexy, not plus sized. Sherin means sweet in Farsi.

Nicolas says that his friends call him the Feather Prince, and not because of his blondish Daniel Franco hair, but because he designs with chiffon, feathers, unicorn farts and fairy dust. Mitchell makes no impression whatsoever. Epperson has a set of magnificent dreads, and children as old as his fellow contestants. Christopher is self-taught and from Minnesota. Ari Fish makes transformative clothing. Which is not to say her works transform the viewer or wearer, but that you can wear it to dinner, and then take it off and use it as a tent in the park where you sleep because you are homeless. Althea is another blonde, Irina isn’t and Louise is channeling Louise Brooks to the best of her ability.

Champagne on the Roof

Althea lets us know that she did her time in the Alexander McQueen/Vivienne Westwood slave galleys. Christopher says that he always told himself that someday he’s be amazing, and that today is that day.

Tim hauls the kids off to the Disney Theater to see the red carpet where the Daytime Emmys will happen. This is to get them to think about red carpets and red carpet looks, and how many red carpets there are, with how many different audiences, but in the shallow gene pool that is Hollywood, any red carpet appearance can make or break a designer. Off they go to their new work room at the Fashion Institute of Design and Marketing, where they have 30 minutes to sketch, and 30 minutes and $200 to spend at Mood (LA). They’ll get till midnight and all the next day to create the look. The winner gets immunity. All good so far.

Christopher sketches anime style. That’s uh, interesting. Ari doesn’t sketch at all, she does a headstand against the wall. That’s uh, guaranteed to get you air time. When she stands up, she says that she will make a “bulbous tessellation” that catches the light. Is it just me, or does the word “bulbous” not sound like a good idea?

At Mood, Qristyl buys a pair of scissors and cuts her own fabric because time is of the essence and Mood only has one cutter. Wait, are they at the Jo-Ann’s down the street? Sherin is going to make something totally rare and totally new: Old Hollywood Glamor. Ra’mon is crying in the confessional and I don’t know why. Over in the work room, Jonny drapes, then changes, then drapes, then changes his design several times. Then he decides he’s overwhelmed and goes off to take a nap or something. The something is have a crying breakdown. He didn’t know it would be like this. Tim comes in and lets him cry and then gives him a little pep talk. You can do it. Hugs. Jonny goes back to the workroom and says he’s done bein’ the fool. That remains to be seen.

Work Day

Malvin is doing something with – burlap? Ari says she creates her own texture, she doesn’t buy it. Jonny says that he’s feeling better now, thank you. Christopher reveals that he’s another self-taught designer, and that he has no idea what smocking is or a godet. Tim comes around and says that whatever Christopher is making it looks funky and young and punk and if it’s styled wrong on the runway, it’ll look like a cruise line cocktail waitress.

Ari is making a hooded geodesic dress. Tim says it might look like a hooded diaper. Ari says it won’t.  Mitchell is creating a very heavy Victorian feel with tons of hand smocking out of an ombre sheer. Qristyl is piling color on ruffles on bustles on other colors. She asks Tim if it’s too dramatic. The length of the pause before he formulates a response is, that’s for sure. Qristyl understands that if Tim doesn’t answer fast, then the answer is not good news.

The models have been randomly preselected for the designers, who have been working off the models’ spec sheet. The real models come in for their fittings. Ruh-roh. Mitchell’s girl has lied, lied, lied and she is about six inches bigger than her card says. He has to start all over, and child, he does not have any fabric left except some sheer, nude-color lining materials. He is fucked in the ear with no oil, and that is a fact. We get a brief glimpse of something voluminous and burgundy on a back table. It is Epperson’s gown.

Runway Morning

Ari thought she’d have to fight for her point of view. It turns out nobody cares enough about it to challenge her. She is wearing a loud print…well that doesn’t do it justice… a cacophonous print that is a hoodie and a onsie combined. The length appears to be variable, as we see it now ending at her knees, and later, bunched up into diapers. It is beyond gawdawful.

Mitchell is still bitching about his model lying about her size. The accessory wall is from Macy’s. Meh. Still, better than Blow Fly and the smug, naked skank. Ari does her model’s hair and it is as awful as you would anticipate. Mitchell sews something onto his model. You can see through it, but she is technically covered from ankle to nape. It’s an x-rated burqa.

Judging

Our first runway, and our first guest judge is Lindsey Lohan, who comes up to Heidi’s Teutonic armpit and who is introduced as being a designer in her own right. She is wearing leggings. One suspects they are from her designer line of leggings. I can’t believe I just had to type those words together like they made sense. Designer. Leggings.

Althea leads off with Old Hollywood Glamor. Gordana sends out something bright aqua with an interesting bodice of folds, like origami. Malvin’s burlap is meh. Mitchell’s dress is there. The only thing he could salvage from his original was the high, tight, smocked neck. Louise Brooks has done something in two-tone, but it’s grey and greyer and the contrast isn’t very strong.

Christopher’s little dress has soft beige ruffles below, and a bodice and asymmetrical overskirt of bunched black/gun metal grey. He has accessorized it perfectly and it looks nothing like a cocktail waitress. Ra’Mon. Shiren has done something short and sweet with a sort of bustle. It is black. Epperson sends out a beautiful gown in burgundy with a metric ton of volume and maybe an organza shawl or portrait color. It waltzes by fast. Irina has made an ivory dress with a lace bodice and plunging back. It is effortless and Old Hollywood Glamor. Ari’s geodesic hoodie is shown with hot pants. The less said, the better.

Jonny has done something with a red false front/sack dress shape and a plunging back and black beading and I don’t know what all. Carol Hannah’s dress is bronzy-ochre and has heavy quilted boning to shape the bodice. Qristyl’s dress still looks like a multi colored ruffle threw up on a purple dress. Logan has done something stark, clean, with sharp lines and it needs pressing. It may or may not be evocative of Old Hollywood Glamor. Nick.

Epperson, Shirin, Irina, Logan, Qristyl, Ra’Mon, Mitchell and Christopher have the highest and lowest scores. They stay on the runway. The judges start with Qristyl. Which red carpet? The Emmys. Who would wear it? Miley Cyrus or YOU!, Lilo. (In yer fuckin’ dreams, thinks Lilo). The seams are pulling and the back, which is the focal point (believe it or not with the ruffle that ate Kansas City cascading down the front) isn’t going to be seen. Lindsey says that.

I have to digress here. I wasn’t expecting much from Miss Lohan. I loved her as a child, and have followed her tabloid travails and wish so much better for her. But her own fashion sense and the whole leggings thing led me to believe that she wouldn’t have much to offer as a guest judge. I admit this: I was wrong. She was concise and coherent and while maybe not blindingly insightful, pretty much spot on with her assessment of the clothes. Oh, Linds, go to FIT and quit acting. Get a life and a real job and leave this one behind you.

Christopher says that his dress is for the VMA red carpet and it is both hard and soft. While he didn’t love the color, Michael Kors did love the cute/edgy combination. NinaGarcia calls it dark romantic.

Ra’Mon’s is a safe Oscar dress. Lindsey likes the back. Ari is asked which red carpet she designed for and she says, and I quote:”The 2080 VMAs and then later that night, she’ll go pick up her Nobel Peace Prize.” Michael Kors calls it a disco soccer ball. Lindsey says (see? listen to this) “You can like it all you want, but someone else has to love it more and want to wear it.” True that.

Jonny says he’s designed a dress for a 20-something starlet obsessed with the 1920s. Uh-huh. Kors says if it was black and lacking all the whicketywhack that it would be an interesting silhouette. NinaGarcia calls it seductive, wonderful and easy. I say it looks like you could smuggle a miniature pony in there, but then, I’m not a guest judge.

Mitchell has made a Grammy dress. Kors says that he likes where he was trying to go, but let’s be real. It is completely sheer and completely unwearable, except by the fireplace with a snifter of brandy.

Lilo says that Ra’Mon’s dress was the closest to an actual red carpet design. But safe. Jonny’s dress had a cool shape. Heidi says that she’d wear Christopher’s design. She calls it elegant, sharp and with a bit. Qristyl has her taste level questioned. Ari… Is she serious or not? Is she hosing us with that shit, says Michael Kors, or are we just not smart enough to get it. Heidi says it’s like talking to someone from another world, and Lilo snickers into her hand. Mitchell screwed up by believing his model’s card. So.

Jonny did a good job and gets to stay. Christopher wins the challenge and immunity. Ra’Mon is in. Qristyl is in. Ari, we didn’t know what was going on and we don’t think you did, either. It’s one thing to aim outside the box, and another to miss completely.

Mitchell, you should know all models lie. There are no excuses. Your dress was unwearable, but at least you aren’t insane like Ari over there, so you can stay.

And we are done with episode one. Whew.

PR All Stars

We open on the same old same old: Jeffrey, the Pin-Headed Shmoo, who allows as how even though he won his season of Project Runway, he’s only remembered as being the guy who made someone’s mother cry. Awww, Jeffy, that’s not true. We all remember you as an insufferable asshole with some ugly ass neck tats, and an enabling mother and girlfriend (who is the mother of your son, and whom you dumped as soon as humanly possible after winning.) He shows us his new girlfriend (skanky Patti Smith wannabe) and his new band and his same old ugly neck tats.

Daniel V comes next and says he was the first runner up. He also says that when he got to the room and saw Jeffrey, the Pin-Headed Shmoo standing there he had mixed emotions, because he liked him…as a designer.

Korto! shows off her line of very cool purses and talks about her jewelry line. (Miz Shoes is wearing one of Korto’s necklaces to show support, and her own exquisite taste level.)

Uli reminds us that she was the quiet one who used loud prints. She’s still in Miami, doing small boutiques and private commissions. Chris March finished fourth in his season. He’s still doing costume design. He did Beyonce’s tour costumes, got to cast her body and also did some work for Prince.

Mychael Knight is looking urbane and good in the P Diddy mold. Jeffrey, the Pin-Headed Shmoo says that when he saw Mychael’s collection he didn’t think it was worthy of being in the finals. Thank you. We’ll file that with all your other profundities, asshat.

Sweet Pea tells us that she’s the nice girl who makes pretty dresses. And then

Santino blows in and tells the know universe that he was the Break Out star of Season Two, that he lost but you wouldn’t know it from his current fame, fortune and world tours. Not a day goes by that people don’t stop him on the street to laud his genius (or spit in his face, thinks Miz Shoes). He sums himself up thusly: “Project Runway didn’t make me, I made Project Runway.” Then he orders Mychael to go make him a drink.

And we’re off to the roof for champers with Heidi and Tim. Heidi is enormously pregnant during the filming of this, so she’s drinking apple juice or something, and makes a point of telling the viewers that. Daniel V is sweet and cozies up to Korto to ooh and ahh over her jewelry. Jeffrey, the Pin-Headed Shmoo claims that he was everyone’s friend until he won, and then nobody would talk to him. I think your timeline might be a little flawed there, sport. Everyone hated you from day one. And then you won and dumped your long-suffering girlfriend. Asshat.

The All Star Challenge is to create a mini collection of three looks in a week. The designers need to show who they are today, how they’ve grown since their season. Winner takes all: the prize is the same as the regular show $100,000.

Day Two

We open on Satanino sleeping in his stank clothes. Chris is in his bathrobe, as ever. Sweet. I love Chris.

Next, they are off to their new workspace, at Cult Studio. Uli wants to live there. The accessory wall is no longer sponsored by Blow Fly and the naked bitch; we have come up in the world to a HALSTON accessory wall.

Of the three looks, one must be for the red carpet. They have a $1,200 budget. Chris is sleeping (and snoring) sitting at his drafting table. Uli asks if anyone else is making all dresses. Off to Mood, where they will have 45 minutes to grab fabric and cut. Jeffrey, the Pin-Headed Shmoo and Satanino try to bolt off early. Tim calls them back. Uli is grabbing up solids. Tim is perplexed and chagrined.

With five minutes left, Pea and Uli have a mix up at the cutting table. They’ve picked up the same colors and leathers. They each see the other as their biggest threat, because their aesthetics are so similar. I guess. What ever.

In the work room, we are “treated” to a five-minute montage of Santino’s greatest hits. He mocks/mimics Tim Gunn. He is loud and rude to all the other designers. He’s insulting and insufferable, and full of himself for no reason. Korto! says that he’s just a fool. She can’t call him childish, because her child is better behaved. Snort. Daniel blandly points out that Santino can be distracting. Santino confessionalizes that he is faster, smarter, bigger and funnier than anyone else in the room. We are subjected to more Tim Gunn impressions and abusing the other designers. OK. Are his fifteen minutes up yet?

No, they are not. Santino is designing leggings in stretch latex? silvery something. Daniel V calls it and Santino vulgar, and there is no arguing that point. Daniel V says that the biggest competition in the room comes from Uli, Jeffrey, the Pin-Headed Shmoo and Korto! Santino says that Pea’s work looks like a home-ec project.

Tim Gunn comes in to remind the group to make a red carpet dress, then hauls them out to the break room to watch some TV. It’s Nicole Kidman! She’s going to wear the red carpet dress to a premier of her new movie “Nine”. Well, that’s a prize worth fighting for. Bitch is an excellent clothes hanger, and I say that with all sincerity and respect. Daniel V and Chris are both flabbergasted.

Tim does his walkabout and starts with Uli, who is doing something with a beige fabric and complicated construction. Tim is disappointed that it’s beige. Korto! is doing something fall/outerwear. Tim doesn’t say it’s good, which to Korto! means she has to work harder. Santino has a rat’s nest of fabric on the table. Santino proclaims that his taste level is the highest in the room. If by that he means that he’s higher on drugs or self-satisfaction and delusional egotism, then yes, he has a point. Sweet Pea is working on a gown of pastel lime green and pale blue and it looks a little matronly and home-sewn to Tim. To us in the Casita des Zapatos, it looks a little like Kate Greenaway. Tim tells her to lose the bottom ruffle.

Next we see Chris, working with grey oversize plaid. He’s doing something with an enormous portrait collar/capelet. He calls Mr. Gunn “Timmy”. Daniel V doesn’t do “gowns” and he’s got something going on with white side panels. Tim is “surprised”. Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo is doing something with a lizard-like sequin or mylar. Mychael cannot explain his color story to Tim because it was random and he just grabbed anything. I’m thinking that pressure is not Mychael’s friend. Tim is not pleased and tells Mychael to “make it work”, but you can tell that Tim’s heart isn’t in it.

Model Casting

Chris falls asleep at the casting table. Do we think he has narcolepsy? Just like the fabric and leather, Pea and Uli fight over the models.

Santino breaks the serger (needed for sewing knits). Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo offers to lend Santino a pair of tweezers to pull out the broken needle, and Santino replies with his usual level of class and taste by asking if Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo uses the tweezers for his dick.

Now I would have paid good money to see these two assholes face off in a cage death match, or, more likely, a good bitch-slap fight, but Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo is a coward and a bully, so he takes the passive-aggressive way out, and just shuts up. He later reveals to have not only a pair of tweezers, but several packages of needles for the serger tucked away in his supply box. Santino wastes the entire night because he broke the serger and insulted his only means of fixing it. Not quite the drama we’d hoped for, but satisfying none-the-less.

Next Morning

The models come for their fittings, except for Uli’s who just doesn’t show. She’s left to fit her dress on herself and Chris says she should just model her own work because she’s pretty enough to do so. Pea’s models are late, too. Uli’s back up models are not showing up either. Uli is screwed. Then Tim comes in and tells everyone that they are going to go to the Meatpacking District (which is Very Hot now) and have a magnificent dinner at STK. The designers don’t want to go. They want to stay and work. They all bitch and complain. Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo says that when he wins again, he can have as many fancy dinners in the Meatpacking District with Nicole Kidman as he likes.

They have dinner, alone in the restaurant. Tim comes in and tells them that there are two more surprises: the first is that they get an extra day to work because the other surprise is that they have to make a fourth look: one comprised of materials found right here, right now in the restaurant. You have five minutes to destroy the room. GO! There is ripping, and wrecking, and glass breaking and chandeliers coming down and leatherette being ripped off. It is a horror show. At least 25% of the new look must come from these materials, and the look must work with the other three already in their collections.

One Day to the Show

Daniel V and Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo are talking about Chris. It seems like he goes to sleep and wakes up with his designs all figured out. (They are jealous, even if they aren’t admitting it.) Santino is working with his stretch sequin crap and Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo keeps calling it stripper wear. That’s the best you got? Puh-leeze, girl.

Hair and make up consult. Tim comes around to look at their 4th looks and sees that half the designers aren’t even started. He reminds them that there is 100 large on the line. Uli admits she’s a little bit screwed. Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo assures Tim that he knows in his head what will eventually come together. Sweet Pea has fun materials and they go with her other looks. Korto! is doing something with steel wool pads on the shoulders. Could be cool. Could be a freak show. Daniel V is working with some foam insulation tubes. Tim tells him to carry on. Mychael is making a cute mini dress. Or so he says. Tim tells the designers that they are in the Project Runway Olympics and he has complete trust in them, and they have until midnight and then another two hours in the morning.

Korto! is now doing something with black on black. She’s got these lava beads that she pulled out of a vase at the restaurant, and she’s laying down a bed of glue and applying the beads. The other designers are all giving her the stink eye. Santino has pieces all over every work area and none of the other designers can figure out what he’s doing. Pea points out that he only has one look finished.

Back in the Atlas, Uli asks the other women who they think will win, and of course they each think that they will. Uli says that she’s visualizing herself walking into the bank with the Big Check. In the boys’ room Daniel V is saying that he’s just nervous and can’t even remember what he has left to do. He is humble and gracious. The #3 Surrogate Daughter and I agree that he’s just gotten better looking in the last few years, and that he, unlike say, Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo and/or Santino is a Real. Class. Act.

Morning of the Show

Mychael is numb. Daniel is exhausted. Pea only has to steam one dress. Chris is taking a nap. Tim comes in, looks, shrugs. With an hour for hair and make up, Daniel is in a state of shock and can’t believe how much detail work he has left to do. Korto! looks for scraps of black leather. Chris wanders in. Korto! wants to win so bad she can taste it. Mychael just wants it over with and to find out if he’s in or out. Daniel says that although he’s trying to keep his game face on, he’s sweating like a pig. Santino is gloating that he’s got five minutes left and it’s all falling into place.

RUNWAY!

Diane Von Furstenburg is the guest judge. Michael Kors is not orange. Oh my god, how I have missed NinaGarcia. And we’re off and running

Santino has silver leggings and a sequined top. Something silver. The restaurant dress is white curtains made into an oversized anorak with black sequin leggings. The top is actually nice. A liquid silver evening dress. Glamorous and boring.

Mychael: a blue dress, a white dress with bits of plastic and lemon yellow green bits (restaurant dress) on a model who can’t walk. Blue and lime green separates. A magenta evening dress with a lime green belt and cut outs at the arm syce.

Uli: a short peach dress with flowers and ruffles, a sculpted peach and greige dress, a satin halter top and pencil skirt. The restaurant piece is a coat? made with an open weave fabric and maybe some fringes woven through it? It’s interesting and textured.

Korto! a magenta sleeveless short dress with pockets, slim trousers with a halter top with beading and interest at the plunging neck line. The restaurant dress is AMAZING!! Black placemats have been sculpted into a fitted bodice, the skirt is layers and levels and there are these beaded areas that are patterns. It has movement and interest and works with her mini-collection flawlessly. The final dress is an oversize print, full skirt, pleated bodice. Also has pockets.

Chris puts out a collection. A real collection of sportswear that looks like it just stepped out of Bryant Park. Oversized jacket/cowl/hood thingy in that black and grey plaid over bright orange leggings. Another hood/legging shape. The restaurant challenge dress is a bodice of black placemats that looks like an oversize bow on a swing skirt made of silver crocodile leatherette. It moves. The evening dress is an over the top couture piece with sticky outy parts, and swoops of fabric and just drop dead.

Daniel V’s collection is sporty. He leads with a sort of bicycle racer top in cobalt and white over a black leather mini bubble skirt. Or it might be mini bloomers. His restaurant dress has those black tubes running vertically along the midriff, looking like a suicide bomber. The next look is in my notes thusly: FAIL. And then there is his red carpet dress. It is the textured black shiny stuff, and white stretchy insets on the sides under the arms, and they’ve gone from straight to swoopy and details with hobnail studs along the seam line. It’s hot, but it’s not red carpet.

Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo leads off with a vulva-length lizard sequined mini skin-tight tunic, follows with something that has an asymmetrical hem cut up to the cooch, an awful magenta and black fringed something and a jumpsuit that is equally bad.

Pea’s first look is a pretty little dress in butter soft pale shimmery green leather. Next is a diaphanous negligee with fleurchons at the hem and shoulder, the restaurant challenge and her evening gown. Yep. Kate Greenaway come to life. Sweet, but ho-hum.

As we break for the last commercials, we think it will probably be Korto! for which we are chuffed. Could go to Chris. Maybe Uli.

The designers come back. The judges speak: Mychael, you know how to dress women. DVF likes everything but the one-sleeved t-shirt. Uli surprised them with no printed and a more constructed style. Too bad, because the judges think that she lost herself. They WANTED the prints. Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo’s work was messy and not the Jeffrey they remembered. Maybe they had head injuries, because he was exactly the talentless asshat the viewers remembered. (Laura was right: he couldn’t sew.) Santino’s evening gown is dismissed as looking like the model was searching for a disco swimming pool (Michael Kors, we’ve missed you.) DVF thinks that maybe it was a leetle vulgar.

Santino, Uli, Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo and Mychael are out. Santino, speaking of himself in the third person, assures us that “Santino Rice is always in”. Miz Shoes would amend that to “Santino Rice is always insufferable.”

This leaves Pea, Korto!, Chris and Daniel V on the runway. The judges start with Chris, and he gets all weepy. You like me! You really like me! Michael Kors lauds Chris’ work as being pure American sportswear. The collection showed a real thread. The restaurant piece fit into the line seamlessly. The red carpet look was a bit tooo dramatic, maybe, says NinaGarcia. DVF calls his work elegant, dramatic, consistent and the best of American Sportswear.

Daniel V showed clarity and confidence. Michael Kors says that he got a clear idea of the woman Daniel was designing for. Korto! gets heaps of deserved praise for her restaurant dress and her use of color and print. Kors loves her asymmetry in her work and that she designs dresses that look good on real women, and that women would want to wear. The two women on the couch in Miz Shoes living room concur.

DVF loves the sweetness of Pea’s line, her only negative is that it looks a little home made. Heidi says she wouldn’t wear it, but that there would be customers for that combination of hard and soft.

Heidi says that Chris surprised everyone: there were no drag queens or carnival floats. NinaGarcia agrees that his work was sophisticated and not overdone. Michael Kors was blown away by the restaurant dress.

Daniel’s first look is criticized because the model wasn’t wearing a bra and she was all floppy. His restaurant dress was said by Mr. Kors to show a “modernist sense of humor” and that the mini-dress was a modern way to look at evening wear. DVF says that “one dress is all it takes to make you famous” and she would know. coughwrapdresscough. The judges think that he grew the most.

Korto!’s work is more polished than what she showed in her season. Heidi calls it wearable. Crafted well, cut well and not mundane. DVF says that the restaurant dress blew everyone away, and that Korto! designs around the real woman’s body.

Sweet Pea has a message, a story to tell that is romantic and sweet. The judges allow as how there is a customer for that look. Michael says that she’s a biker chick who does girly and romantic. (And the problem with that, buddy?)

So. Here it is. Chris: we saw a real evolution and strong point of view. Thanks. You’re out. Pea, your story is clear, romantic, charming and feminine. See ya. Pea says that having DVF love her collection was high accolades.

Daniel, something has changed in you: you have new confidence. Your collection left us wanting more. Korto! we see great talent in you. How far you have come: everything you make is something a woman would want to wear. So of course, you are out, and Daniel is the winner.

Korto rolls her eyes and says, Number Two again. Daniel delivers some gracious speech or another, which, frankly, nobody in Miz Shoes living room hears, because all of us, the RLA included, are jumping up and down and shrieking “KORTO WUZ ROBBED!!!”

And that’s OK, because it means that for the present, I can still afford her work, and she’ll still answer my e-mails. But she was robbed. Sweetiedarling, in the fans’ eyes, you’ll always be the number one PR All Star. Not as good as the big check, I know., but that and $150 bucks to buy another necklace is all I got.

Open on the girls, because there are no boys. Korto is sad for Jerell, but oh, well, at least she’s showing and that’s what matters the most to her. We quickly flit to the Blowfly work room. Tim’s proud of everyone. They have to edit their collections down to only 10 looks. But not now. Now we’re going to cast models.

A rapid recap of model casting: Korto needs big hair. Leanne is particularly fond of some random little girl who looks like an alien. Kenley is advising Leanne as to who she should cast. Leanne wants Kenley to mind her own beeswax.

Back to the Blowfly room for Tim’s walkabout and the editing of the collections. He begins with our Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong, and asks again about the ropes. Kenley isn’t using a quarter-inch cord, people, she’s using an inch thick black hawser. Every where. Wrapped around necks, binding on necklines, accents between materials. It is pretty horsey. Kenley tells Tim that she’s going to put Topogigio in the feather wedding dress as her final look. Tim reminds her that the judges already saw it. She replies that they saw it and LOVED it. Tim asks if that’s really what she got from their critiques, and she lunges for his throat. “Yah, what? You think that they called me a knock-off? They’ve done that ,like, four times and it’s in-SULT-ing. I’m sick of it.” Then she interviews that it’s just too damn bad that that know-nothing Tim Gunn didn’t like her ropes, because she does and she’s keeping them and that’s that. Period. As Tim walks away from her, the façade falls for the briefest of moments and we see him arch an eyebrow and roll his eyes. It’s reality show gold. No, it’s reality show platinum.

Korto tells Tim that because Heidi said she wouldn’t be caught dead in either the wedding dress or the bridesmaid’s dress, she’s going to toss both of them and make two new dresses in the next two days.

Leanne still has work.

Collier Strong and the hair/make up consultations. Korto wants nature. Kenley wants a cherry red lip and her models to look like porcelain dolls. Leanne wants clean and modern.

Model fitting. Kenley disses Leanne’s color sense. Yeah, I know. Leanne disses Kenley’s hand-painted fabric, and calls it Holly Hobby and like someone’s kid painted it. It’s amateurish. Leanne has a point.

One day to show and the models get their test hair and make up. Kenley talks trash about Korto. Tuh-Tuh-Tuh-Tia comes in for her fitting with her pocket puppy and the little thing takes a poop right near Leanne’s work station. Tia cleans it up while still wearing her gown. Leanne has a nervous breakdown, and nothing happens to the dress. Kenley gets ugly about the little tiny dog and demands that it not go near her or her work. Honey, doggies have a sense about people. I don’t think it would willingly go within thirty feet of you.

Day of Show (finally)

We see the tents at dawn. Kenley takes a stroll down the runway and cries about how proud her parents are going to be and how her tugboat driving daddy will think this whole thing is “rad as hell”. Hmmph. Kenely is then seen being rude to her staff of assistants. Imagine that. Kenley then trumpets on about how beautiful her work is, and how amazing her models are and how she is fer sure gonna win.

And we’re off. Heidi comes out to announce the fabulous guest judge, and it’s J.Lo… who has called in sick (or indifferent) at the last minute, so the guest judge will be…Tim Gunn. We get another moment of reality show gold as the cameras cut to backstage where Kenley has a moment of realization that she’s spent the past twelve weeks being an utterly disrespectful twat, and that maybe she should have had a better attitude. Brilliant.

Kenley’s show is first, and she is using some weird industrial drone for music that makes it impossible for her models to walk with any rhythm or beat. The ropes are horsey and the colors clash. Also, although I haven’t seen anyone else say this, that first look with the too-short in front, oddly long in back skirt with the tent-striped underside reminds me of Jeffrey-the-Pinheaded-Shmoo’s work. Most of her work is not to my taste, but I do love the pale shirt-waist dress with the mandarin collar, full skirt and single line of badly painted flowers. We see Kenley’s family and it appears that she has a twin sister and her mother looks like Amy Sedaris when she’s in her Candy From Strangers make up. Woof.

Korto comes out, cries a little and asks “Don’t I look hott?” And she does. Her show is beautifully styled, with the models wearing fake Japanese-inspired buns and holding little fans. The colors are vivid, and the integration of her large-scale beadwork into the dresses is innovative and exciting. Bianca (the stank ho from some season or another of ANTM) is looking fine and works the hell out of the microscopic green dress she’s presenting. Dani (Winner of some season or another of ANTM) is looking even better and is wearing an amazing evening dress, whose strap is the beadwork.

Leanne’s collection is last, and it is the most cohesive of them all. She is working with a tight palate of colors: ivory, tea, aqua. The line is a complete collection of separates that don’t necessarily look like separates, but she has skirts, shorts, pants, tops, evening wear and cocktail dresses. Her inspiration (waves) is obvious as the flaps and noodles move on the runway. It really is amazing work. The wedding dress is maybe the most beautiful thing to come out of PR since Laura’s grey evening gown with the chartreuse beading. She has chosen a watery-sounding techno for her music.

After the Show

We see Fern Malis complimenting Kenley. Oh, NOES! Korto is voted fan favorite and gets the big check. Oh, GOOD.

At Parsons the judges fill a little airtime with empty chatter about this being the year of the women and how every one of them had their own point of view and blahblahblah.

Michael Kors tells Kenley that he liked her collection. He calls it charming, not a word usually associated with Kenley. Tim says that her workmanship was good. NinaGarcia says that the flowered dress looks like Balenciaga. Kenley says that she heard that a lot today, but that she wouldn’t know because she NEVER looks at anyone elses work.

Korto is complimented for letting her heritage show without resorting to clichés. NinaGarcia says that she made it look effortless and cohesive. They rave about the long green gown. Tim tells her that her short (and one of her last minute additions) taupe dress looked “sublime” on the runway.

Leanne’s workmanship earns a “divine” from Michael. NinaGarcia raves over the fact that Leanne put everything into the show: shorts, gowns, etc. Then we get the criticism of the look. Michael says that he’s afraid that she’s going to be known as Petals Marshall (great porn name,BTW). NinaGarcia frets over what a show of 40 pieces would look like.

The designers each say why they should win. The only notable reason is that Leanne’s collection was at least 50% sustainable (green) fabrics. We get one more round of judges chatter: Tim says that Kenley needs to take a fashion history class. Korto makes complicated look deceptively easy. Is Leanne a one-note designer? Korto understands women of all sizes and shapes and can dress/design for them all. The fan poll comes in for Leanne for the win, a landslide at 50%.

Heidi announces that they have decided. Kenley, you have a great future, but not here. You’re out. Kenley leaves with a display of the same class she showed throughout: It’s bullshit. I should have won. I’m not a copycat, I’m a true artist.

Leanne wins, and Korto cries. Chin up, Korto. You won fan favorite, and you have probably already gotten at least half a dozen offers from high-end designers.

And another season comes to an end. Will there be another? Will it be on Bravo? Stay tuned.

Previously on Project Runway, Kenley was a stank bitch, Korto fell apart and Jerell won the evening gown portion of the competition, but was still eligible for elimination, proving that anybody can get screwed over by ratings at any time.

Heidi comes to the runway in something sheer and poofy and possibly by Christian Siriano. The four designers will have to go home and make a collection of 10 looks. They will have two months and eight thousand dollars. And since they all sucked in the last challenge, one of those ten designs must be a wedding dress. That dress should sum up their collection, and will be the deciding challenge when they return to New York. One final cut will be made and only three designers will compete at Fashion Week.

And they’re off. Jerell sits in the lobby as Stankenley pulls her suitcase past and refuses to say good-bye to him. She delivers a final interview where she says that the other designers hate her and the feeling is mutual and they all sabotaged her and blahblahpoorpoorpitifulme. The other girls reach the lobby, there is much hugging and loving, and they are sent away to make the magic happen.

Tim’s On the Road, Again

First stop, Little Rock, Arkansas, where he meets up with Korto in her super-cool studio in the woods. She says that she’s inspired by the snakes and the trees and the beautiful shades of green around the studio. She’s also inspired by her native culture. She is accessorizing with her own beadwork (which is very nice).

She shows Tim a lime green snakeskin dress that is extremely form fitting and which has a vulva-shaped inset in beige in the girly-bits area, and the whole thing is so overtly sexual that Tim gets a little unsettled. Of course, Korto doesn’t see it. Her wedding dress is not looking like a wedding dress, and Tim thinks there’s a lot of work left to do.

Korto takes Tim to her home to meet her family, and there is a review of her emigree background. She says that the experience taught her that just because you fall, you don’t have to stay on the ground. She and her drumming partner perform a drumming session for Tim. There are nice looking cocktails on the table.

Next stop: Portland, Oregon and Leanne

Leanne welcomes Tim to her home and introduces him to her sort of nerdy boy friend. Then she tells him that when she got back to Portland, she went to the waterfront and sketched and sketched. Her inspiration for her collection is wave patterns and how she interpreted the movement. Her color palette is tight and limited, but in a very ethereal range. Tim is concerned that the white is too white and suggests that Leanne tea-dye some of it.

Her wedding dress is stiffer and less flowing than the rest of the collection. Tim reminds Leanne that the wedding dress is the make or break piece. Then Leanne takes Tim for a ride through the woods on a tandem bike. Tim is still in his suit. It’s sort of, uh, awkward. But sweet. Leanne tells her back story: baby ballerina, started making her own costumes, wanted to be a designer since she was twelve. Sweet.

Los Angeles, Here Tim Comes

Jerell has grown a goatee. He’s hotter than ever. He takes Tim to his studio where we see piles and piles of fabrics, each one more glittery or ugly than the last. Jerell is into mixing textures and unexpected colors. Or, Jerell is color blind. I think we should look into that possibility. His wedding dress is beige and grey and rouched and tulle poufs and beaded bodices and everything else he could throw at it. Tim thinks that Jerell needs to edit himself. He’s also unhappy with how asymmetrical the wedding gown is. Tim cautions that the collection needs to be believable, and not look costume-y.

Then it’s off to meet the family. Pretty people (especially the love interest. Damn.) Jerell’s mom says that she always knew Jerell was going to do something in the creative field. Jerell says that when he was four, he took a tube sock and cut it up to be a dress with a train. I’m not sure if it was for him or a doll. Very sketchy. Jerell’s daddy was a truck driver who was never home because he was working to lift his family out of the neighborhood they lived in (Rodney King riots were literally next door). Jerell cries.

Back in NY

Kenley is working from her studio apartment in Brooklyn. She has a sofa that’s either from Urban Outfitters or Anthropologie. I recognize the black and white print, at any rate. The editors attempt a redemption arc by letting her say that she really values everything Tim has to say, even if her snotty attitude and eye-rolling and “what does Tim know”-ing makes it seem that she doesn’t. She tells us that her grandmother was a calendar girl, and shows us a photo that is clearly the inspiration of everything Kenley has ever made. She cries and picks her nose.

Tim comes in and gushes all over the wedding dress, which is, as much as I hate to say it, totally amazing. There is a feather bodice and peplum that explodes into a huge tulle skirt. She’s got some green thing on a mannequin, and has accessorized with black rope wound several times around the mannequin’s neck. This squicks Tim right out, and he asks Kenley about the noose thing and if she had given any thought to the fact that it might look like someone was hanging themselves. No, she hadn’t and of course it doesn’t look like that. Her daddy was a tug boat captain and she grew up playing with rope. She has no friends or family to introduce to Tim. (Figures)

And We’re Back

Korto arrives at the Atlas first, and is nervous about seeing Stankley again. She doesn’t want to have to room with her. Fortunately, Leanne is the next to arrive, and she and Korto stake a claim on one suite, together. Jerell shows up next (without the hot goatee) and the girls apologize for making him room with Kenley. He asks them to check on him once in a while to make sure she hasn’t killed him in his sleep.

Kenley finally shows up and as she’s dragging her suitcase past the others, throws back over her shoulder, “Yeah, sorry if I was a bitch or whatever.” It’s as heartfelt as it’s gonna get, people. The sponsors arrive with champagne and nibbly bits and so, to bed.

In the BlowFly Workroom

The designers unpack and check out each other’s work. Tim comes in to give them a final pep talk and ruin their lives with one more, final, last challenge. Let’s make a bridesmaid’s dress to go with your wedding gown. One day to have a nervous breakdown, and $150 to spend at Mood. Let’s roll. Leanne knows exactly what she wants to do and the colors and fabrics she wants to use. No drama to see here, let’s move on.

Back in the workroom, Kenley is digging at and picking a fight with Korto, who just ignores her. Jerell is miserable and says that all bridesmaids gowns are butt ugly. Korto says that hers weren’t.

Tim comes in for the walkabout and starts with Kenley, who is doing a dark blue bubble skirt and a darker blue boat neck top, with the same cut away armholes she used on her Solo in the Spotlight lizard dress. I find the skirt way too short.

Jerell has mangled some slate blue crispy organza into a column dress with a sash decorated with a stem of silk orchids. It is bunchy and wrinkly. He tells Tim that he’s going to use what looks like ivory acrylic bulky-weight knitting yarn to attach the silk flowers to the dress. Tim is very properly horrified at this suggestion and tells Jerell not to fight with Mother Nature. Or NinaGarcia, says Jerell. Or NinaGarcia, agrees Tim. I love Jerell, but he has thrown this challenge in the toilet with that bridesmaids monstrosity.

Tim discovers that Leanne has taken his advice regarding her wedding dress and completely remade it. Now it looks like an origami meringue, and I say that in the most respectful and quite frankly, awestruck way possible. Her bridesmaid’s dress is the perfect compliment, and Tim tells her to bring thought to the length of it.

Korto has pretty much given up, too and her bridesmaid’s dress looks a lot like the wedding dress. Too much so, says Tim. And then, our man Tim Gunn starts to cry. He loves them all, and he wants them all to do well. Tim’s never cried on the designers before. What’s all this then?

Runway Day

Jerell dresses funny. That’s all I’m saying. The designers all look like five miles of bad road. The models are coming in for hair and make up. Kenley complains to the camera that when she looked around the workroom, she saw that both Korto and Leanne copied her paper. Those big cheaters made short bridesmaids dresses, too. Just like her. They knocked off her design. Remember that. There is crying from Korto. There is Heidi in another sheer blouse that looks like a Christian Siriano.

And there is the show. Jerell’s models come out, and the girl in the bridesmaid’s dress is wearing the rest of the potted orchid on her head. Oh, Jerell. The colors are gorgeous, but the whole thing looks like he dug it out of the bottom of the dirty laundry hamper.

Kenley’s wedding dress is still amazing and gorgeous. I still don’t think the two pieces work together and the bubble skirt is still about 6 inches too short.

Korto’s dresses don’t look like a wedding party. Leanne’s wedding dress is stunning. And it has pockets. I love it, but what do the judges have to say? And there is no guest judge, just Heidi, NinaGarcia and Michael Kors.

They love Leanne’s dress, too. NinaGarcia calls it “chic, modern and dreamy.” MK loves it and Heidi declares it “Fan-TASST-ik”. Jerell’s dress, though, not so much. Michael loves the wedding dress from the empire down, but the rest he finds garish. Jerell says that he finds it regal. See, this is why drag queen is a bad phrase for designers. Not all queens are regal, sweetiedarling. And the flower pot on the head is certain death to Jerell’s dreams. NinaGarcia thinks the colors look dingy and dirty.

And now, Kenley. Well, they love her wedding dress, and Michael says it’s fabulous but it’s also Alexander McQueen. Kenley denies it and reminds everyone that she doesn’t look at other collections. You be the judge.

And then, in the biggest fix since I don’t know: the 2000 election in Florida, Heidi and Michael just gush all over the fucking wedding party, heaping undeserved love all over the knocked-off wedding dress and the too-short bubble skirt. It’s disgusting. It’s crazy good says Heidi, and Kenley is obnoxious in victory, squealing an over-the-top “RILLLLLY????” and dabbing onion juice at her eyes so she can cry without the snot running down her nose.

Korto’s two pieces get a series of disdainful sniffs, snipes and an “I wouldn’t wear that on a bet” from Heidi, and then we are on to the judging.

Leanne’s dress is both architectural and romantic. Kenley’s rip-off of AMQ is a great show finale dress. Korto’s doesn’t look like a wedding and Jerell went hog wild, threw too much of everything into both pieces and lost his last semblance of taste. Despite the audience voting overwhelmingly to toss Kenley off the stage for good, and not let her show her sour puss at fashion week, the final three are Leanne, Kenley and Korto.

Jerell is not down though, as he tells us in his exit interview that he sees himself at 80 getting a call from the Metropolitan asking to do a retrospective of his life’s work. And with that, we are done. Until next week, when we finally learn who wins. And if it isn’t Leanne, then I’m done with this show, too.

We open in the Atlas, where Korto is brushing her teeth in the kitchenette sink. Ewww. Not nice. And I love Korto, but still. In the kitchen sink? Leanne offers an interview wherein she says that Kenley should have been gone a long time ago, for her stank attitude, disrespectful demeanor and all around general rudeness to the world. And because she can’t design, either.

Kenley, however, interviews that Leanne is a bitch who threw her under a bus in the last challenge by not working/selling her garment on the runway and making Kenley look like a fool. The Number Three Surrogate Daughter and I agree that Kenley can do that just fine without any help from anyone. Kenley uses the word sabotage, even. Sabotage, from the French sabot, for the wooden shoes the mill workers threw in the machinery during the Industrial Revolution, to break the mechanical looms and retain their jobs. This ends today’s language lesson.

Jerell is sitting on the floor in what used to be the boys’ dorm, alone except for his Tim Gunn bobble head doll, and the two apples he’s named Joe and Suede. He holds the Suede apple and talks in the third person: “Suede wants you to do well today, Jerell.” As he leaves, he reminds the fruit not to rot on the counter while he’s gone. Oh, Jerell.

At Parson’s there is another model swap non-event, as Korto keeps Katarina and Seveera is sent away in her slip. Tim is waiting for the remaining designers in the lobby, as there is yet another (or last) field trip. This one finds the designers in the New York Botanical Garden, where they meet Collier Strong, lead makeup artist for Loreal Paris. He tells them that the textures and colors of nature are the inspiration for some line of cosmetics or another, and that their final challenge will be to design an evening gown inspired by nature. Specifically, the nature in the New York Botanical Garden. They get a digital camera, and an hour.

Jerell wanders around and finds a bed of purple and fuchsia roses. He’s happy. Leanne wanders around surrounded by bees. She’s not happy, but she takes lovely photos of out of focus lavender flowers. They aren’t Lavender flowers, they are merely the color lavender. Korto finds a spot that has flowers that reminds her of her mother’s garden in Africa. The flowers are spiky and range in color from cadmium orange to lemon yellow, all on the same spike. She says that she’s going to win this challenge for her momma. Kenley declares that this is her challenge because she is all about color (and ugly floral prints). She crows and caws her usual line of drivel about being the best.

Back at Parsons, the designers have 30 minutes to pick their inspirational photo. They will have 2 days to sew, and a budget of $250 to spend at Mood. Korto is using her Flamenco flower, and Jerell his roses. Kenley alone has chosen something that is not a flower. She’s focused on a purple coleus, and has a photo of a cluster of leaves. At Mood, she bolts off looking for tulle (of course) and then finds what she says is the “perfect” fabric to represent her leaves: a fuchsia fake lizard skin. It is a literal depiction of the texture in the coleus.

Korto is sweating because she has no background in evening wear. Well, she never made men’s pants before she won with her punk look for Suede, so take heart, Korto. Leanne is sketching a tiered effect using a softer, more draped version of her flaps and noodles. Kenley panics when she realizes that she left her bag of tulle at Mood. Tulle. Who the fuck uses tulle except wedding dress makers and ballet costumers? Kenley. Kenley uses it like bad cooks use salt: everywhere and in everything.

As it happens, both Korto and Jerell have tulle that neither of them is going to use. But, you know? Karma is a bitch, just like Kenley, and neither Korto nor Jerell have any intention of letting Kenley get her hands on a square inch of it. Jerell amuses himself by leaving his piles of tulle on clear display on his work table.

DAY TWO

Jerell comes into the girls’ dorm to say hi and ask Korto to give him a smokey eye. In the workroom, Kenley asks Jerell if his tulle is for sale, and he grins and says nopey. Tim discovers Kenley’s shortage, and tells her that she can hot foot it back to Mood on her own time to get her tulle, if she needs it. But for now, it’s models and fittings. We see Leanne and her soft periwinkle blue fabric. Kenley is using her faux snakeskin to make a basic tube dress.

Collier comes in and discusses the models’ makeup designs. Kenley wants a dark, dramatic eye. Jerell gets to use lime green on the eye, and purple on the lips. Korto is going gold and glowy, and Leanne delicate and flower-like. Sweet. Jerell and Korto are nose to nose and toes to toes, giggling and sharing a moment. Kenley is sitting by herself. She interviews that she’s alone. The other designers are bonding, and she’s all by herself. It’s been like this her whole life. She doesn’t know why.

Hey, Kenley? The reason it’s been like this your whole life is because you are the nastiest, meanest, rudest little snot-nosed bitch to ever grace reality teevee. Really. You make Puck look like a saint.

Kenley goes on to say that her daddy was a tug boat captain, and she spent her childhood out at sea. Raised by sea wolves? Anyway, she says, she can’t help it. “I am who I am.” You know? Sometimes, it’s just too easy. My notes say: “Insert Popeye joke here.” I’m guessing that Swee’ Pea turned out to be the bastard child of Olive Oyl and Bluto, and now she’s here on Project Runway.

Tim comes in for his walkabout, and begins with Korto. Talk to me about the lace. It’s all sleek and 2008 in the front and Catherine the Great in the back. Resolve the lace, Korto.

Kenley announces that she loves her dress. Tim is so over Kenley. He says that the bottom looks like fish scales. Kenley is delighted to hear that. Tim reminds her that this was a botanical challenge and not an oceanic. Kenley hears “blah, blah, blah, Kenley, blah, blah, blah” and is thrilled that Tim has praised her work so highly.

Jerell’s dress has the potential to knock everyone’s socks off. But it needs refining and work. Of Leanne’s dress, Tim says, and I quote: “Blerg.” He calls it Hello, Dolly. As he leaves, he tells the remaining four that he’s immensely proud of them and to work, work, work. Instead, they all cry, cry, cry. The pressure has finally gotten to them all. Leanne’s crying over how much work she has left to do. She’s wanted to show at Fashion Week since she was 12.

DAY OF SHOW

We see Jerell ironing his clothes, and dress in a towel. Now he’s crying. Korto is praying and crying. The only one not crying is Kenley, and that’s because she’s too busy saying that she hates everyone else and their work sucks, too. In short, her opinion is that she doesn’t like anything Korto does. Jerell throws a bunch of glamorous shit together and it looks like crafts projects and Leanne does pleated details. Hofuckinghum, seen it all before.

Whereas, nobody’s done retro WWII dresses, ever.

Leanne is still sniveling that this isn’t going to be her best work. Korto is stressing. And with that, we hit the runway. Tonight’s guest judge is Georgina Chapman, founder and designer for Marchesa.

Korto’s dress is, well, uh, boring, actually. Leanne’s lavender is interesting and asymmetrical, but the dark blue fishtail in the back looks like an afterthought. Jerell’s dress is draped and fitted in the front (albeit frighteningly low across the bust) and has a sac back. There are layers of color in the front. Kenley has stuck a little black patent leather belt around the waist of her dress. It is a simple, skin-tight tube with cut-away armholes. At the bottom are layers of flaps with satin edging. It looks a lot like my Barbie doll’s Solo in the Spotlight dress.

Beginning with Leanne, the judges are impressed with her work. The bodice is great, says Chapman. NinaGarcia says that it’s feminine and soft. Michael Kors is distracted by the dark blue bustle (See?) and Heidi says that the dress is pretty.

Korto’s flamenco flower dress is dismissed as “pageant” by Michael and Heidi. NinaGarcia thinks that it’s overworked, and not sophisticated. Korto tried too hard to impress the judges, and lost her taste.

Jerell’s dress makes Heidi want to jump up on the runway and hike the girl’s bodice up about 4 inches. NinaGarcia finds it “messy but youthful”. Chapman asks what Jerell would have done with extra time to make the workmanship better.

And then there’s Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong. Georgina says that it isn’t organic. NinaGarcia says that it looks like a reptile (and as Kenley interrupts to say thanks for the compliment, you get me, you really get me) NinaGarcia continues her sentence with “and not in a good way. It is not young or hip or cool at all.” Michael Kors tells Kenley that it’s clichéd and she tells him it isn’t. Heidi remarks that the dress isn’t very elegant, and Kenley snarls that “I wasn’t GOING for elegant, HEIDI.” It is truly an amazing performance. The amount of self-satisfaction combined with complete and utter incapacity for criticism and knowing one’s place is stunning.

So. Heidi asks the final question of each designer: Why you, and who else do you think should show at Bryant Park? Jerell is up first, and cries and cries and gets all twitterpated, and finally arrives at the answer that he should be joined by Korto and Leanne because the retro thing that Kenley does is old. Kenley interrupts him to bitch at him and Jerell stops crying long enough to tell her to stuff a sock in it and she’ll get her own turn to speak. Yeah for Jerell.

Leanne promises not to be boring and wants to see Jerell and Korto with her, because they are at the same level of talent, unlike Kenley who only has the same old same old. Korto wants to show because she’s the oldest of the designers and she wants to prove that it’s never too late to achieve a dream and she wants to show a little of her cultural heritage. And yeah, Leanne and Jerell are really sweet human beings with really fine designs and should be the other designers in the tent.

Needless to say, none of this sits well with our little nest of vipers, and Kenley shits on Korto the most, saying that her work is boring and although she would personally, rather not see any of the others at Bryant Park, if forced to choose, she’d grudgingly accept Leanne and Jerell.

The judges agree that this was not the best show of the year. NinaGarcia makes a face that matches the “blerg” Tim uttered in the workroom. Georgina Chapman says that she would like to see more of Leanne’s work, and that she finds Jerell’s work intriguing. There are concerns about his finishing techniques, but his point of view is young and exciting.

Korto’s final dress was too pageanty and clichéd, but her workmanship is impeccable. Her color sense is also applauded. Kenley? Not so much. Chapman says that she saw nothing of Kenley’s promise or the style that the other judges swore she had. And then Miss Kors delivers. Forget what her clothes look like, he says. She’s rude. Can you imagine her if a buyer said he didn’t like a sleeve? What would she do? Take a knife out and kill him?

With that we cut to the last freaking Bluefly commercial of the show and I truly, deeply hope that smug bitch gets some clothes before next season.

Heidi tells the designers that this was the closest runway they’ve judged in 5 seasons. Only three will compete at Fashion Week. Leanne and Jerell had the highest scores, and Jerell squeaks by with the win. All four designers must go home and create a collection, and all four are still in the running. The final three will be determined when they come back to New York for Fashion Week. This means that Jerell can still be eliminated.

Backstage, Tim calls for a group hug. Kenley interviews that it’s annoying that the other designers hate her, but it just makes her want to beat them into the dirt. This attitude may be why they (and we) hate you so, Kenley. You are a rude, insensitive, self-absorbed skank bitch. And your designs suck, too.

One last preview shows Jerell, Korto and Leanne sitting together in the hotel as they return for Fashion Week. Kenley is heard in voice over saying that it isn’t worth even talking to the others, because she’s never going to see any of them ever again.

You know? Probably not so. For sure you’ll be trotted out together for reunion shows, and guest appearances. And if, as you all so deeply desire, you make it in the fashion world, it’s a pretty small circle. Most likely scenario is that you will see them and they will cut you cold. Like the flounder you are.

Next week? It’s Erev Yom Kippur, you idiots! I’m going to have to go to RJ’s as soon as services let out, because she’s the one with TIVO.

Previously on Project Runway: Kenley laughed at Straight Joe on the runway, and was six kinds of skank beyotch.

Open on the green Atlas, where Korto and Leanne reveal that they weren’t surprised to see Straight Joe auffed. Suede interviews that Suede needs to step up his game because he’s been in the bottom three times already. Is that all? And with that we are whisked away to Parsons where we have another model selection. At this point there are eight models and five designers, so there’s a large culling of the herd to be done. Jerell stays with Nicole. Kenley steals Joe’s old model Topogigio. Leanne loves her model, but thinks that Suede’s girl is better, so steals his TuhTuhTuhTia. Suede is Very Unhappy. Suede then takes Sephora, and Korta opts for Katarina. This leaves Paulina, Germaine and Karoline out. Karoline is pissed that Leanne turfed her after so many good weeks together, and she leaves the stage looking angry and teary. Hey, lighten up, it’s only fashion.

The challenge this week is to dress each other. The magic button bag works overtime as it reveals that Suede will be designing for Jerell, Kenley will design for Leanne, Korto will dress Suede, Jerell will dress Kenley and Leanne will clothe Korto. The added twist is that each designer is randomly assigned a musical genre and the clothes designed for them should reflect that genre. Got it? The next pairing from the button bag is designer to musical genre and Kenley will be pop music (she hates pop, because she thinks it’s cheesy). Fair enough, and if anyone but Kenley said that, I’d agree. But the Andrews sisters were the pop stars of their day, honey, and I’m willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that they are in deep rotation on your i-pod. If you have an i-pod, and not a portable turntable that only plays 78s. Suede is a punk rocker, yawn. Korto gets saddled with being country music. Leanne is deemed hip-hop, and Jerell gets rock and roll. Jerell thinks that Suede should be able to handle that.

The gang of five gets an hour to consult with each other, $150 to spend at Mood and until midnight to sew. Leanne tells Kenley that she wants to be gangsta. Kenley tells Leanne no. Kenley is going to make a pair of high-waisted jeans, because that’s what hip-hop is to Kenley, and if we know one thing about Kenley by now, it is that she is a stone bitch who will do what ever the hell she wants and is delusional about how right she is about everything. Jerell tells Suede that he wants a high collar and a cape. Neither Suede nor the audience can tell if Jerell is just putting Suede on. I can sort of see Jerell in an Elvis jumpsuit, though. It could be fun. Jerell is loving the idea of Kenley as a pop tart, and takes great delight in telling her that he’s going to turn her into Kenley Spears. Korto and Leanne are working on Korto’s look when Kenley comes over and tries to eat up more of Leanne’s time by having her try on some shoes. Korto tells Kenley that this is her thirty minutes and to back the fuck off. Kenley insists and whines, but knows that Korto could snap her in half and finally backs off.

At Mood, Jerell is still cracking up over what he plans for Kenley: “stretchy, netty and shiny.” Kenley herself has found some more ugly floral prints and argues with Tim about whether or not it’s hip-hop. Tim (and everyone who’s watching) thinks that it is not. Kenley of course, knows that it is. “It looks like grafitti.” Or not.

Back in the Parson’s workroom, Korto tries on a pair of hot cowboy boots and suddenly becomes Shania Jenks at the CMAs. This sets off a round of “what’s my musical name” and Jerell says that Leanne is L’il J Blige. It was a lot funnier when he said it. Korto and Jerell do a little bonding over the fact that Kenley has got absolutely no clue about what hip-hop is. Jerell says that there is nothing hip-hop in Kenley’s bag of 1950s dresses. That’s pretty funny when he says that, too.

Jerell is fawning over the two mannequins with his winning designs and asks Korto to give it up for him a little. She puts him back in his place, promptly. Undaunted, Jerell says that he wants to win three in a row, and he’s hoping that his fishnet minidress with rhinestone cuffs will do it. Kenley says that getting sexed up by Jerell is scary. Honey, you have no idea. Suede shocks us all by saying that the blue mohawk is just for show. Actually Suede is a trained classical cellist. My mind explodes a little. Suede is making stretchy jeans with a super-long leg that will scrunch up at the ankles. Did I already say yawn? Where’s the cape and the Superfly collar? Meanwhile, Jerell is still laughing at Kenley and her aversion to his sexy little pop star dress. She did NOT want to try it on, or come out from behind the dressing screen.

With four hours to go, Tim comes in for the walk-about. He starts with Jerell. He loves it. It’s a beautiful silhouette, but Tim isn’t sure about the cobalt blue fake fur that Jerell intends to make into a mini vest. Of Leanne’s C&W, he says that it might be too subtle, and tells her to watch the proportions. Leanne takes his advice, and turns a purple trapeze blouse into a sleeveless classic cowboy shirt. Korto’s punk look for Suede is deemed to stereotypical. Tim tells Korto to push it more. He tells Suede the same thing: rock and roll should be over the top, and he needs to ramp up the visuals. I love the fabric that Suede chose for the shirt. It is very much Jerell, a sort of muted purple and brown tie-dyed charmeuse. Kenley sneers at Tim that her designs of a micro leather jacket and high-waisted jeans are totally hip-hop, and that when he thinks oversized, he’s thinking 80s hip-hop. She omits making a big “L” sign on her forehead, but the tone implies it. Tim tells her to remove the sarcasm, and that although she might think he’s being “snarky” (Yes, our Miss Gunn used the word snarky), he is merely attempting to give her advice and direction, which she would do well to take (if she weren’t an insufferable know-it-all bitch). OK, he didn’t say the last part out loud. But I heard it clear as a bell, especially when Kenley interviews that (and I quote) “What does Tim know about hip-hop, anyway?”

With one hour left to sew, Leanne tries on her hip-hop jeans. They are awful. The crotch does not, by any stretch of anyone’s imagination, fit. Kenley says that she’s thinking Alicia Keys. Even your reviewer here, the impossibly white Miz Shoes is aware that Miss Keys is not hip-hop. She is R&B, and Soul, and hot beyond all sensibility, but she is not hip-hop. Korto and Jerell try to tell Kenley that Alicia Keys is R&B, and she tells them that they are wrong. I bet she wouldn’t have told Terri she was wrong if Terri tried to tell her who was or was not hip-hop.

Korto is frantically bleaching Suede’s jeans. Seude’s getting nervous. Jerell admits that he did think about sabotaging Suede… it IS a competition, y’all. Kenley makes her weekly prognostication: “I’m confident. I LOVE my outfit. It’s the bestest. I’m going to win! I’m not changing anything ever, ever, ever for Tim “what-the-hell-can-he-tell-me” Gunn!” Speaking of which, her jeans still fit Leanne like crap. Jerell and Korto are watching as Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong digs her own grave, styling Leanne with ever more inappropriate items. This is hip-hop, right? she asks. Oh, yeah, say Korto and Jerell, and roll their eyes. It’s the finest moment yet, this season.

Suede isn’t happy with his neon extensions. Kenley looks, in her own words, like Brittney Spears-The Good Years. She does, actually.  It’s sort of scary, in fact, how much she does resemble our favorite train wreck. Once more, Kenley announces that she totally nailed the hip-hop look for Leanne and she is going to win. Or, maybe not, because it turns out that no less a hip-hop royalty than LL Cool J is the guest judge tonight. This, the RLA and the Number Three Surrogate Daughter agree, is going to be good.

Korto comes out and is country. Kenley Spears is flawless as a pop star. Leanne comes out and is embarrassed to be there. Kenley voices over that she’s furious with Leanne, because Leanne is NOT SELLING IT. (Because it sucks, sweetheart.) Suede works the runway. Who knew? He’s throwing devil horns and sticking out his tongue, and slouching all over. The distressed jeans fit beautifully, even though Suede does not have a model’s willowiness. Jerell, who does, gives us the most lack-luster walk of the evening. Jerell used to be a model, remember? Well his catwalk is a textbook example of how not to do it. But the outfit Suede made for him fits like a glove. Is this Jerell’s sabotage, after all?

Korto explains her look: punk, metallic denim that she bleached. LL says that this is right on the money. NinaGarcia says that Suede looks like Marilyn Manson, and that the pants fit well. Korto can tailor, that is a certainty.

Suede designed a rock and roll look for Jerell. Jerell says that his idea of rock and roll is Aerosmith. While the judges love the vest, they agree that subtle doesn’t work for the stage. LL says that you want to keep the audience interested and surprised throughout the entire show. And I agree, but idiot little rocker girl that I am, I thought that the best shows were the ones where it was the music, not the costumes that did that. Take for example, Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band (Bruce turned 59 earlier this week. Happy birthday, Bruce). The Boss and the entire band dress in black. Oh, maybe Little Steven will have on a dark purple paisley gypsy shirt, but by and large, the guys (and Patti and Suze) wear black. Black jeans, black shirts, black vests. They are almost invisible on the stage, and what hits you is the power and the glory of their music. Even that fop Tom Petty wears a pair of jeans under that plum velvet blazer. Rock and roll is about the music, LL. Unless, you know, you suck and only have theatrics to prop up the show, like KISS. But I digress. Heidi makes the astute assessment that Jerell looks like Jerell, and not a rock star. True dat. But everything fits.

Jerell has made a pop tart out of Kenley. Kenley is clearly uncomfortable in her little fishnet mini with the built-in rhinestone bra. But she looks totally pop. Sexy, not vulgar, exposed but not naked. Michael Kors loves it. And everybody sees that Kenley looks just like Brittney Spears. There is something so delicious about this. Almost as delicious as what comes next: Kenley defends her hip-hop look. I made a classy, expensive hip-hop outfit she announces. After a moment of stunned silence, Heidi says “Those are the worst pants I have ever seen.” Someone utters the dreaded “mom jeans”. Kenley looks to LL for expiation, and pleads, this is hip-hop, isn’t it? And LL Cool J says, flatly: NO. Sweet.

Leanne has gone for a vintage Dolly Parton with a modern sensibility. Or something like that. NinaGarcia says that the country look needed more glamor. Michael thinks that it looks like Korto is going out for a plate of ribs. ? Heidi says that the skirt fits like a glove, and LL leers appreciatively at the junk in Korto’s trunk.

The judges have their final confab and agree that Jerell nailed the pop look, as did Korto and the punk. It felt authentic, according to LL. Kenley’s outfit looked like a bad mall purchase, and Suede’s rock and roll was a grocery store run. Leanne made something good, but too quiet. So. Does Jerell go for three? Nope. Korto finally gets a win (although I think she should have won for any of a number of other challenges, and not this one). Jerell has his third win stolen, but gets a pat on the head for doing well. Leanne is safe. Kenley and Suede are the bottom two. Kenley is told that she had no glamor, no bravado and missed hip-hop completely. Delusional bitch. Suede played it safe, and that is the one thing that rock and roll is not. Suede is out. Suede delivers his final monologue in the third person, and finger guns it that “Madonna, I’m ready to dress you up in Suede.” With that groaner, we cut to previews where we see Kenley sneer at Heidi. I’m thinking that isn’t going to go over well at all.

We open on the Atlas, where the usual suspects are doing the usual things. Suede is being an ass and interviewing in the third person that Suede will be clawing and scratching all the way to Bryant Park. As the boys head out, we see the final goodbye from Oompa-Loompa-Licious “I will miss youlicious” and I realize that against all odds, I will, in fact, miss the little orange troll. He was, in the final analysis, sort of sweet, if not deluded about fashion.

Speaking of delusional, Kenley is tossing her fascinator and declaiming to the cameras that she has NO IDEA how she ended up in the bottom two last week, because she was the only one who EVEN CAME CLOSE to being avant garde and she is the shit and everyone else is the pits. Flounces all the way to the Parson’s runway where we meet up with Heidi and the next challenge.

Heidi has special ladies for the designers to meet. Out come a bunch of middle-aged and none too stylish women. The designers begin to choke and freeze. HA-HA! sez Heidi, gotcha AGAIN!!! These are not the women you’ll be designing for, these are their mothers. You will be designing interview/work clothes for their daughters, each of whom has just graduated from college and is about to go out into the work place for the very first time. This is a Trésemme make-over challenge, and their hair will be done for them, too.

The magic button bag comes out and the designers and daughters are paired up at random. There is a $100 budget, a half hour to meet with the clients (both mother and daughter are the client) and two days to sew.

Kenley is delighted to discover that her girl (Anna) has just gotten a job as an accessories buyer, she delights in vintage clothing, and has no discernable taste: she’s JUST LIKE KENLEY!! Which means that Kenley is going to make another of her 1940’s frocks. In a ghastly floral pattern. Quel surprise, non?

Korto has confidence that she can relate to her model, because she (Korto) is a “hip mom”. Her girl is Megan, and she works in a bio-lab. She likes green. Jerell finds out that Caitlin is a designer, and is tall and thin and prefers to dress androgynously, just like him! It’s another match made in heaven. Leanne’s Holly is off to be an elementary school teacher, and she needs to look older than her charges. Her mother is a tough, critical bird and tells both Leanne and Holly that Holly wants a dress.

Avital is a photographer, and she wants Suede to make her something she can wear to work and then out to play: pants. Suede says that pants are not Suede’s thing. Avital does want something a little femme. Our last girl is Laura, and she’s working with Straight Joe. She doesn’t have a job, yet. She wants something that will suit the office, but still be sexy. She’s one of those.

Korto tells us that she’s going to pick up some “leatha” at Mood, and that now that Stella is gone, she, Korto, is the queen of leather. Suede tells us that Suede wants to find a Pucci-esque print, but in purple. Then Suede tells us that Suede DID find purple pucci print. Oh My God!!! Suede needs to find a new schtick before MizShoes finds out where Suede lives, is all Miz Shoes is saying.

We find out that Straight Joe’s first job was as a stock boy at Gucci, and that’s where he got bitten by the fashion bug. And then we have a commercial for Top Design, where former Project Runway contestants are involved in some form or another. I had the sound off, so I don’t know what way. Look! There’s Andre. And Sweet Pea, awww. And there is Jeffrey-the-Pinheaded-Shmoo, and even though I never thought it would, in a million years be possible, he is more heinous than ever. He’s wearing a mod haircut (and by mod, I mean fucking 1960’s Carnaby Street shaggy do) and has grown a porn ‘stache that looks like he stole it from Frank Zappa’s dead body. It is a particularly creepy sort of Fu Manchu. I am prevented from stabbing myself with my knitting needles by the quick reflexes of the Number 3 Surrogate Daughter. Pass the eye bleach then, child.

Back at Parson’s, Jerell is excited by the challenge and the girl he’s working with. Jerell’s first job was as a fry boy at Mickey D’s. He got lots of free food, and bad skin from working the fryer. I’m growing quite fond of Jerell. Suede is making a jacket first, because Suede does not want to make pants.

The clients come in for a look-see and Suede’s girl and her momma think that Suede’s work isn’t edgy enough. Straight Joe’s girl hates on the men’s wear pinstripes he bought. But it all fairness, it would look flawless on Tim Gunn. Kenley is so busy telling her client how fabulous her work is, and how utterly charming the raggy old fabric is, that we can’t tell how her client feels. But Kenley is happy, so all is right in Kenley’s world.

Jerell endears himself to me a little more by interviewing that Kenley can make a hell of a 1950’s dress, but that her talent starts and stops right there.

Leanne’s mother daughter pair aren’t happy with Leanne’s work. They are quite vocal and clear about that. Like, start over again, kind of clear. Suede is making a dress, not pants, and he is just going to sell it to his client, because Suede doesn’t do pants. (Doesn’t or can’t?)

Kenley then starts trashing Straight Joe’s suit, to his face. Jerell piles on a little, when Joe says that the girl can accent with pocket squares. Who the hell has pocket squares (other than Tim Gunn?). Kenley gives Joe a little rag of her floral and she and Jerell just fall over from the hilarity.

Day Two

The girls come in without their Mommies, and things go better for the designers. Korto’s jacket, which is a sort of hempy/burlapy fabric, is tailored to within an inch of it’s life and it works over a green floral that has overtones of a Diane von Furstenburg wrap. Holly (without her mother badgering on about it) loves Leanne’s dress. Avital loves that ugly purple disco frock that Suede has made. It has braided straps across an open, asymmetrical back, and it’s snug.

Miz Shoes used to work in a commercial photography studio, did you know that? Yes. And I worked as the photographer’s assistant on shoots. Hauling equipment cases, tri-pods, light stands, reflectors, film bags, and camera bags. Let me just tell you right now, the only thing you wear as a commercial shooter is jeans. Or overalls. Or leggings and a giant shirt. You do not wear a fucking dress. There is no way you can scramble over the equipment, haul, tote, tug, carry, crouch and crawl in a fucking dress. Unless, to speak ill of the dead, you are Linda McCartney (nee Eastman) and you are shooting Warren Beatty while wearing a mini-skirt and you have chosen to go commando that day. Or so the old rock and roll rumor goes. Avital is no Linda Eastman, either.

Gather round! says Tim, and the designers all groan. It seems that they think that it is never a good thing when Tim asks them to gather round. But in this instance, it is merely Jeannie Syphu, the lead stylist for Tresemme, who is going to work with the girls on the hair portion of the make-overs. And guess what? The winning look will get a photo spread in Elle magazine. Whoo-hoo!!!

Now it’s time for Tim to do his walk around. Suede’s jacket is whackadoodle, to use Suede’s own word. The sleeves are not the same length, and the pockets aren’t even. And it’s fugly all the way around, but Tim doesn’t really go there.

Tim thinks that Straight Joe has made something for a lawyer, not a designer, but Joe says eh, a job interview’s a job interview, and doesn’t listen to Tim. There is a sudden out break of eye-rolling and sighing in the Casita des Zappatos.

Tim has nothing to say to Jerell except that the look is stunning and to be careful with the excess fullness in the jacket. Then he moves on to Kenley. He picks his words carefully with her, and tells her that it’s a cute enough dress (even though we’ve seen it before) but that maybe the tulle that is sticking out of the bottom about 5 inches deep all around could be NOT sticking out?

Kenley flounces into a confessional where in she says that Tim Gunn does NOT understand her design aesthetic. She is not gonna listen to that. She has never and will never change one damned thing for Tim Gunn. Hummph.

Straight Joe has daughters, you know, and he is on Project Runway to show them that you can live your dreams, blahblahblah. He also has an insight into the mother/daughter dynamic: it’s the 8th wonder of the world, he says. You will never, ever, ever get them to agree on anything. (Not true. Mummy had exquisite taste, and always bought me things that were divinely flattering and taught me how to dress myself to accentuate the positive. She was a fine clothes horse and the daughter of another, my Grandpa the tailor.)

Back in the dorms, Suede is waxing rhapsodic about his boogie nights dress to the other boys, and Kenley is holding court on the girls’ side with her wisdom and opinions about Suede: he’s a poseur. He has no talent. He has no right to be there. Suede’s particular problem, she feels, is his inability to bend his design sense to meet the challenges. “He can’t change.” A-hem. Miss Pot? I’d like to introduce you to Mr. Kettle. I think you’ll find you have a lot in common.

Runway Day

Joe’s girl likes the suit once she puts it on. So does Joe. That makes two and that may be the total number of votes for the pin-stripes. The fit is not flattering, to say the least. Kenley has given on of her fascinators to her client. Loud retching from the vicinity of the Casita des Zappata’s couch.

Jerell is wearing a huge acorn cap on his head. Or a bunch of dead leaves. Or a portrait hat made of velvet petals. I’m not sure. He says that Suede’s dress looks like 1992, and “that is going to work against you, my man.” I can’t stop staring at the thing on Jerell’s head.

Pop quiz: who said this: “I’m confident and I’m not impressed with anyone else’s work. I’m going to be in the top three for sure.” If you guessed Kenley, you probably find her as obnoxious as I do. On the runway, Heidi looks ravishing in a dark green Rami-of-the-Heavenly-Arms short, tight but not shiny dress. Our guest judge tonight is Cynthia Rowley. She’s wearing a necklace of leather oak leaves. She and Jerell must shop at the same forrest.

Straight Joe’s suit comes first, and again, the fit is awful. Leanne has made a cute little jacket to go over a darling little dress with a flippy skirt. Jerell’s high-waisted skirt and over-sized cardigan are amazing. Tilda Swinton would kill for this. Korto’s jacket is a masterpiece, and works nicely with the green print dress. Suede’s 1980’s disco dress and sloppy jacket, meh. Kenley’s poofy-skirted, tight bodiced same old same old is belted a wide pink belt that looks like the girl’s skin. Kenley says that it’s perfect.

Heidi calls up Kenley for the first review, and just laughs and laughs that Kenley has gotten herself a little “mini-me to dress.” I’m thinking that Heidi likes Kenley about as much as I do. NinaGarcia rather unenthusiastically agrees that in this instance, it is a cute look. Michael Kors says that it’s a case of the right dress and the right styling for the job of an accessories buyer.

Straight Joe’s interview suit does not go over as well. Cynthia asks why a suit? Miss Kors says that it looks like a 60-year old’s idea of what a girl should wear to an interview and Kenley loudly guffaws at Joe’s discomfort. Charming gal. The suit is just too clichéd, the judges all agree. They also agree that Korto’s work is solid and stylish and perfect for a 21-year old. Cynthia Rowley loves the jacket (as well she should) and NinaGarcia points out how well made it is.

Leanne isn’t getting the love from the judges, at all. They demand that the jacket come off, and then the dress is approved. They hate the jacket and call the look matronly. But Jerell’s androgynous separates are back in the love column. Cynthia finds the whole look perfect for the girl’s body type. There is much, much love.

And then there is Suede’s photographer. Michael Kors just about topples out of his director’s chair when he hears that she’s a shooter. Cynthia says if you want something that goes day to night in that profession, you need to go home and change your clothes. Woof. NinaGarcia just says that the awful jacket is the merest tip of the iceberg of the problems inherent in Suede’s work.

Jerell, Kenley (dammit) and Korto are the top three, Joe, Leanne and Suede are in the bottom. The judges allow that Kenley’s design worked even though it was looking backward, stylistically, but for who and what she was designing for, it was deemed appropriate. Korto’s work is (as always) perfectly tailored and expensive looking. Jerell’s is the perfect expression of sophistication for a 22-year old girl.

Over in failure-land, Suede’s look was from another decade. Leanne’s dress was frumpy, and Joe’s was out of a time-capsule from the day of “Working Girl.”

Korto is robbed of yet another win, and sent backstage with a “you did well, and you’re in”. Kenley is in and completely pissed that she didn’t win, and sweet Jerell and his acorn cap are the winners. Jerell is over the moon, and says that it’s doubly sweet because it’s two in a row. Leanne is in because she’s good. That leaves Straight Joe and Suede in the spot lights. Joe took a beautiful girl and aged her 25 years. Suede made something impractical, overworked and dated. Joe goes home to his wife and daughters, proving once more that fashion is no place for a straight guy. Suede gets to stick around and annoy us for another week.

Next week we hear Kenley say “What does Tim Gunn know?” Here’s hoping that’s the last thing she says before she leaves.

Morning in the Gotham, and Terri is singing “Ding-Dong, the Witch is Dead” and making sure that we all know that she means StellaBarbarella. Have we remarked on the vast expanses of class that Terri shows from week to week? No? That would be because she doesn’t. Kenley is happy and chirping about how fly she is and how she knows that she is going to go all the way to Bryant Park with her fabulosity.

Leanne still keeps her model and the hapless Kendall goes home. There are “special guests” this week, and they turn out to be the previously eliminated designers. Not to worry, Heidi assures those who have not yet been eliminated, they are only here to work with you, not to replace any of you. That’s a relief. This is the Avant Garde challenge. The current and former contestants will be paired and must choose one of their astrological signs as the inspiration for their design. There is a large budget ($250) and a long work period (2 days). The designers are lined up in astrological order and their partners chosen by Tim from the button bag. Here are the teams, their signs and the one they choose to work from:

Korto/Aquarius & Kelly/Cancer (Aquarius)

Kenley/Aquarius & Wesley/Scorpio (Aquarius)

Straight Joe/Aries & Daniel2.0/Sagittarius (Aires)

Leanne/Libra & Emily/Scorpio (Scorpio)

Oompa-Loompa-Licious/Libra & Stella/Scorpio (Libra)

Terri/Sagittarius & Keith/Leo (Leo)

Jerrel/Sagittarius & Jennifer/Taurus (Sagittarius)

Suede/Sagittarius & Jerry/Libra (Libra)

Now, remember how well Terri and Keith worked together the first time? Yeah. That was a Martin & Lewis relationship compared to now. They loathe each other heartily, and Terri has her full bitch on. Keith still isn’t over being auffed and he’s a little fragile. Raw meat to Terri, and she sinks her teeth into it. Tim hands out dossiers about the signs and their attributes and gives the groups half an hour to sketch.

At Mood, Kenley is ordering Wesley around, and he’s meekly obeying her every whim. Terri bitches about Keith and tries to order him around, and then ignores everything he has to say. No, let me rephrase that, she abuses his every idea and comment and THEN ignores his input. When he asks what he can do she tells him to count the pins that fall on the floor.

Daniel2.0 (remember him? He had exquisite taste and high ideals of glamour?) and Joe have done an amazing sketch. I may look into that at auction. It is drop. fucking. dead. gorgeous. Too bad Daniel2.0 didn’t bring that in the earlier part of the game, because it is clearly his drawing and it is clearly FIERCE.

Jerry (remember Jerry and his clothes to commit serial murders in?) is going on about how he’s won major awards for his avant garde work, so if his partner will listen to him, they’ll win. Uh-huh.

Leanne is tired of Kenley’s overconfidence and obnoxious attitude, and she’s sharing that feeling with Emily. Kenley is like, two feet away and can hear everything, and shares with her partner, Wesley, that the other two are being high-school bitches and she won’t let them sit at her table in the lunch room, anyway, so there. Flounce.

Tim comes to do his little look-see and starts with Oompa-Loompa-Licious and Stella. They are going to play with scale. Get it? Libra, the scales? Scale? Weight and balance? Get it? Tim tells them to be sure that there is cohesion in their parts and Oompa-Loompa-Licious just says holla atcha boy and Tim doesn’t even acknowledge it, but just walks away. Is Timmy over Oompa-Loompa-Licious?

Jerell has used a really odd, geometric fabric for the skirt of his gown. It looks stiff and almost menswear. Tim is flummoxed by the fabric choice and tells Jerell that he is so far out on the precipice that he is either going to crash badly or win. “I’m perplexed.” he finishes, and leaves.

Leanne is using her noodles/flaps again, but this time in the service of creating a sort of exo-skeletal shape for her Scorpio dress. Interesting.

Kenley has chosen her usual appalling and unattractive florals, a purple plaid and tulle. Tim tells her that there is a fine line between avant garde and costume and she blows up at him. “Costume?” she shrills, “What costume? What show would this be in?” (Miz Shoes thinks that a sad sort of Cirque du Soleil clown might wear it, what with the grossly oversized purple plaid leg-o-mutton sleeves and the pouffe skirt and the bad color combinations) Tim says that it looks like Glinda, the good witch of the North, and Kenley just snorts that Glinda would never look so “fabulous”.  Tim just looses his patience at that point and says “Fine. Don’t listen to me, then.” And if ever more ominous words were spoken, I do not know. GAH!!!! Always listen to Tim Gunn, designers.

Terri and Keith are silent. Tim reminds Terri that Keith has great ideas and that she should listen to him. Keith rolls his eyes and Terri looks at Tim. Oh. Oh, sighs Tim. Riiiiight.

In other news, the clothes need to premier at a cocktail party at the Museum of Science & Planetarium at 8 pm, cutting the work time by 4 hours. Also? No more immunity. And? Two designers are getting auffed tonight. Terri responds to this by telling Keith to leave her alone to work. He says that she’s an angry and bitter person and that he isn’t designing costumes for The Lion King (which is a pretty accurate description of both Terri and her dress). Kenley, continues to trash everyone else’s work. Korto is pinning her dress onto the model to make it to the party.

We break for commercial and look, Chemistry.com has gay match-making. Good for them. At the Planetarium, the judges for the evening are previous Project Runway designers who still live in New York or its environs. I recognize Daniel V., Jay Carroll, Christian Puffysleeves & Kara Janx. Oh, I’ve missed Daniel V. True to form, Terri is complaining about other designers picking the winners. She is standing with Keith, and totally ignoring him as they talk to Christian. Christian hates her Lion King collar (HAH!).

Kenley takes offense at Heidi questioning her design and the placement of the bust line on her monstrosity. Kenley basically rips Heidi a new one. It’s pretty, uh, ballsy? Insane? Suicidal? Gutsy? Heidi doesn’t care, and takes on the matter of Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ onesie with attached wads of fabric. She tells him that the color of the unitard looks like Granny Panties. She has a point.

Daniel V is awed by Jerell’s work. He counts 6 trims and 7 different fabrics, and is completely in love with the look. There are peacock feathers, and bronze and I can’t tell what all.

It’s the morning of the show, and Terri is cutting off the collar per Christian’s critique. Keith makes one more half-hearted attempt to help, and goes off to take a nap, since Terri wants him around like a case of head lice. Kenley is re-doing the bodice on her dress to satisfy Heidi, not because it was wrong. Suede is back to the third person, full time, and interviews that “Suede is rilly, rilly sad that 2 people are going home.”

Straight Joe has been on the show long enough that he lets out his inner bitch to say that Kenley’s piece is so Mickey Mouse (or Minnie) that she needs to be in the bottom two. Tim has to find Keith, sleeping in the breakroom, in order to get him out to the runway for the show. And what the HELL is Jerell wearing today? Girl, get a grip on yourself.

The judges tonight will not be selecting the winner, that was done by the former contestants last night. What they will be doing are choosing the two designers to go home, and providing color. The guest tonight is Francisco Costa, lead designer for Calvin Klein.

Korto, Jerell, Leanne and Straight Joe are the top designers and are sent off stage while the bottom four are savaged by the judges.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious is first, and has to defend his Libra/weight and scale design. It is called haphazard by Nina. Michael Kors is not having any of it, saying that it isn’t forward, it isn’t pretty and it looks like the model is pooping fabric. I’m all for odd beauty, he says, but this isn’t beauty, it’s only odd.

Michael is impressed with the pairing of two fire signs: Terri & Keith. This should have been brilliant, but the personality clash has caused this to look like “Voodoo princess in hell.” All taste, says Miss Kors, has flown out the window. The word we are looking for to describe the expression on Keith’s face (and the evil in his heart) is scheudenfraude.

But wait, there’s more. Kenley’s aquarian design is attacked by NinaGarcia as having absolutely nothing to do with the zodiac. Oh, yes, it does, she says. NinaGarcia shrugs, eloquently. And then we get to Suede, still working that third person like she is the Queen of All England. “Suede and Jerry chose Libra. Suede didn’t want to go too crazy, so Suede pulled back.” Michael says it looks like department store, off-the-rack.

And then the designers are sent away for the real cutting to begin. Michael says that Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ piece is just unbearable to look at… a joke. Ooooh, says Heidi, that’s bad (waits a beat) but true. Michael makes no pretense about his feelings about Kenley. He hates her. He mocks her “I don’t look at other designers” remark. Well, honey, you should, he says. As for Terri? NinaGarcia hated it. It looked cheap. (Always the death knell for NinaGarcia) And Terri didn’t take any responsibility for her work, trying to blame Keith for walking away (count the pins that fall on the floor??). But Michael brings the full bore of The Duchess to bear on poor little Suede. It seems that this is the first time that Miss Kors has heard Suede use the third person. In addition to his work being boring and tacky, MK says that Suede is not ready for the third person. Not at all. Miss Kors thinks that there was way too much ego on display from a bunch of rank amateurs tonight and she is having none of it.

Jerell is named the winner, and poor Straight Joe is robbed!!! Kenley gets to stay, but only because they couldn’t send three designers home tonight. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is sent back to Portland to find his tan, Suede is allowed to stay so that Michael can sharpen her claws on him next week, and Terri is given the boot for being a bitch and a talentless hack. See? Justice in the world.

Next week? Michael Kors gags.

It is morning, and we see the designers in their un-natural habitat. Stella is attempting to make coffee. It seems that she has never done this before and is using a giant pot-stirring wooden spoon to measure out the grounds. She refers to it as a tablespoon. I fear for her. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is sticking his little arm in a tiny patch of watery sunlight and attempting to photosynthesize. I fear for him, as well. Suede is complaining that Keith’s auffing has forced him, Suede, into the remaining suite with the rest of the boys and he’s not happy about it. I suspect that they are not happy, either.

At Parson’s, we are forced to endure another week of the winning designer not changing models. There are air-kisses, there are good byes. There is Tim Gunn, coming around the scrim, to tell the designers about their next challenge. They will be designing for a fashion legend. To find out who that is, they must follow him on yet another field trip.

As they walk, they speculate as to who this legend might be. An older celebrity? Oompa-Loompa-Licious hopes that it will be Mary-Kay Olsen, because he lurves her and wants to marry her. Oh, good lord. Does that mean Oompa-Loompa-Licious is straight, or that he wants to borrow her clothes because they wear the same size? Fortunately, this idle chatter is cut short as they arrive at their destination in the meat packing district. They enter a show room. It has pretty colors. It has a stairway made of glass that goes on forever. And descending the staircase is their legendary fashion figure: Diane Von Furstenberg. And descending. And descending. This gives the designers plenty of time to get all worked up, and Kenley lets loose with the tears. Jerell declares it a dream come true.

The challenge? To design a look for her fall collection, which is based on the Marlene Dietrich classic film “A Foreign Affair.” DVF gives them a 45 word plot synopsis, and half of those words are locations. Berlin. Shanghai. Paris. New York. Fabulous. Glamour. Where’s Daniel2.0, now? The designers will be allowed to ransack her workroom and use the actual fabrics she’s using in the fall line. The winner will get their garment manufactured and sold exclusively to American Express card holders, due to their sponsorship of the show, and DVF’s contract with Amex. This gets me a touch excited, because, hey! I have an American Express card. Here’s hoping that DVF makes clothes in sizes larger than Princess Puffysleeves does for Bluefly.

The designers have 15 minutes to grab all the fabric they can from the workroom. Jerell recognizes that this isn’t cheap crap and says that he is in heaven. Kenley cries. Stella can’t reach the bolts of black cloth that she wants and asks Tim to get it down for her. He tells her to figure it out, get someone else to do her heavy lifting, or find other fabric. Terri has glommed onto some black mohair from which she intends to make a jacket, some silk with an ugly, fireworks print and then interviews that she’s got the goods to make a pair of (and I quote, really. RJ went back and forth with the TIVO for at least three minutes to be sure) “sickening” pants.

At Parson’s, the designers have about 10 hours to review the look book from DVF’s fall line, design and construct. Leanne is relieved to have immunity in such a hard challenge, but she’s gunning to win again, any way. Straight Joe is doing layers and anticipates making 2 or 3 pieces. Jerell is doing a jacket, top, skirt, gloves and a hat. Kenley is crying. But she’s also going to do just one piece: a flawless, perfect dress that is the embodiment of 1930s Shanghai. She says.

Suede, who learned everything he ever knew about pre-war Berlin from repeated viewings of Cabaret, is going to do a masculine/feminine mash up with a camouflage-like print dress and a herringbone tweed vest. He interviews in THE THIRD PERSON (A-Fuckin-Gain) that “Suede is just focused on what Suede is here to do…hoping DVF adores it” and makes a widdle heart out of his fingers. There is sudden mass retching as MJ, RJ, The Number Three Surrogate Daughter and I all try not to lose the cosmos MJ has made.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious is working with black and has a pile of neon colored fabric at the ready. He interviews that he is a risk-taker, and he’s going to go out on a limb, and not just make another pair of pants like someone he could name. And he rolls his googly eyes. Speaking of the devil, Terri has made some high-waisted pants out of a tweedy, mens-wear fabric.

Stella, Leanne and Terri take a break to have a snack. Leanne asks Stella what she is going to make, and Stella gets very tight-lipped. She doesn’t want to reveal too much to the competition. Stella interviews that she isn’t telling anyone anything because she doesn’t trust Terri. Terri is badgering Korto about what she’s planning and Korto throws down that she’s making a vest. You wanna make a vest, Terri? Go ahead and we’ll take ‘em down the catwalk and see what happens. I’m thinking that nobody likes Terri.

Jerell is working with a dark blue fabric. Korto is saying that she wants to just blow DVF away. Stella, it turns out, is making a vest, a pair of pants and a cape. How this is different from everything else she’s done is yet to be seen. Straight Joe is working magic with a dusty rose fabric. He’s made a backless, wrapped blouse with a high, Asian-influenced collar and black frogs down the front. RJ and I love it.

Leanne is showing a cropped, oversize trench coat over a long evening gown. Her drawing shows a jacket that is so cropped, it looks like a trench bolero. I’m concerned. More disturbing is Leanne’s spy playing that involves skulking around corners and well, more skulking. Suede says that Suede would love to be a spy, but that the blue hair might be a give away. Terri talks trash about Kenley’s little dress. Kenley is still crying.

Finally. Three hours to go, and in comes Tim for a walkabout. He starts with Suede, who is still delusional about what camouflage looks like. Tim has concerns, Suede has crossed fingers (literally) that Suede is going to Bryant Park.

Leanne’s dress is sublime, he says, but edit the jacket: it looks sloppy. It is nothing like the cropped little drawing. Straight Joe’s Shanghai Lil ensemble is found to be ambitious. Tim is concerned about the amount of work left to do in the time remaining. Korto’s using a black and white print and a lemon yellow for accent. There’s a peek of the yellow along the armholes, and she’s piling it on as an underskirt to her evening gown. Tim first thinks the yellow looks like bra straps, then comes around to Korto’s point of view.

Stella explains, nasally, that she’s doing a pant/vest/cape. Maybe a small shirt? She’s wearing the Stupid Twee Hat of Doom. Don’t these people watch the show? The Stupid Twee Hat is right up there with Not Listening to Tim Gunn in the “guaranteed-to-get-you-thrown-off” category. Nevertheless, twee hat firmly perched askew on her black number one hair, Stella dismisses Tim’s advice that the judges found her work to be less than cohesive last week with this amazing exchange:

“They were clueless. That stylist with the oversized muumuu dress and waistband didn’t know any better.”

“Sorry, Rachel Zoe, we mean that in the nicest way poss..”

“No. I don’t. I meant it.”

“TIME!”

Kenley shows Tim her simple, beautiful silhouette with tears in her eyes. Tim warns her that that very simplicity could go either way for her. Kenley interviews (weeping the entire time) that this is Just. So. Big. She’s never designed for anything more high end than K-Mart or Wal-Mart. It is at this point that I realize that Kenley and Stella have the same, grating nasal voice. Not that K-Mart has anything to do with nasal.

Stella grates on about her perfect vest, which we on the couch can clearly see is not perfect, having fit issues and style issues and technique issues that are apparent to us, even in the soft glow of cosmos. She says that she isn’t going to listen to anyone about this. Knock, knock. Who’s there. Foreshadowing. Foreshadowing who? Foreshadowing that this is Stella’s last day at the rodeo.

We have made it to the morning of the runway show, and are rewarded with a shot of Jerell in his boxer/briefs, and just as quickly punished by a shot of Stella in her skin-tight leathers. In a small mercy, she is not wearing those damned Dr. Suess striped leggings. Hair and make up. Bluefly accessories.

Tim tells the designers to knock those pumps right off of Diane Von Furstenberg’s fabulous legs. Did she pay him to say that, do you think? We all notice that Kenley (who is still teary-eyed) is wearing pretty much the same dress as her model, but with large, fuchsia feathered epaulets. There is debate as we try to figure out if those are the fascinators she is so fond of wearing, or actual sleeve things. We finally agree that we don’t much care, and release the TIVO from its pause. This allows us time to watch the designers panic, diss each other and sew right until Tim shoves them out the door.

The guest judges tonight are Diane Von Furstenberg and Fern Mallis.

Joe’s design comes first, and from the couch, we’re loving the hooded shawl and wrap top. Leanne’s evening gown is perfect 1930s glamour, complete with a ruffle down the back seam. The micro-grey flannel trench coat is a little iffy. Terri sends out a furry trench coat thing, with the usual blah blouse and tight pants. Snore. Jerell’s concoction includes one of those Nehru hats he’s always wearing and a bunch of layers of stuff with a skirt that’s a little too short. Korto’s dress and jacket have lovely proportions and the color just pops against the black and white print.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious has made knickers. Or golf pants. Or something. It’s awful and we quickly move on to Suede’s fur-lined vest and faux-camo evening dress. Stella’s cape is sort of nice, in a British bobby sort of way. The vest and pants don’t fit, though. Last out is Kenley’s simple little dress.

Terri, Jerell and Oompa-Loompa-Licious are sent away as safe.

Korto’s look is free. DVF loves the yellow, and the Shanghai influence in the kimon-style wrap.

A close look at Straight Joe’s design reveals a lot of flaws in the workmanship. A lot. Michael says that the whole thing would land a woman in the “What was she thinking?” column in the fashion pages.

Kenley’s dress was colorful and chic. She stops crying long enough to say “I nailed it, didn’t I?” And the answer is no. Heidi says it’s pretty, but had nothing to do with DVF’s look book. Kenley says that’s because it was missing, and she filled in the blank. Diane very dryly thanks Kenley for her astute assessment of what her line needed. Kenley doesn’t recognize sarcasm when it’s wedged that far up her ass by DVF’s fine pumps. Michael allows as how it was beautifully made, and Fern Mallis likes it.

Stella is taken to task by Kors on the fit of every piece. She doesn’t care. Fern gets in a lick with “Stella wasn’t stellar.”

Leanne wows everyone. DVF loves the ruffles. Fern says that the whole look is a whole lot of good design. Suede, on the other hand, is loathed by everyone. The herringbone and print is derided. The skirt is torn to shreds. Michael throws the “Did she get dressed in the dark?” dish on Suede. Suede sort of whimpers that he didn’t think it was that bad. Suede is wrong.

The final results are: Korto is in. Poor Korto, always a bridesmaid, never a bride. I’m thinking she’ll be in Bryant Park, though. Leanne wins her second challenge, and does so going in with immunity. Way to go, little one. Suede is allowed to stay. That leaves Straight Joe and Stella standing in the spot lights. Straight Joe’s look was confused and the back a disaster. There was too much going on. Stella’s work was three pieces of ill-made crap. The entire look was bad, and she is told to leave. As she bends down to kiss Heidi’s cheek, Stella says that her ego was too big for this competition anyway and she never should have been there.

She goes into the back with the other designers and basically tells them all that she’s thrilled to be leaving and that the judges can all go suck eggs. Tim is only too happy to tell her to pack her bags, and she is more than delighted to oblige. And that, my dear readers, is that. Except for the final, nasal “fuck you if you don’t like my stuff, I’m a rock star” that Stella delivers. I rather think that if Jeffery-the-Pinheaded-Shmoo had been kicked off, this would have been the exit interview he gave. The two of them should get together.

Next week? Terri loses her mind.

Well, fresh off the drag show, what could the Powers That Be at Project Runway give us that could be any better or even as good? We’ll find out soon enough. Open on a yellow/green Manhattan newsstand, with a shot of Elle Magazine. One of the Olsen trolls is on the cover. Yawn.

Kenley interviews that Daniel2.0 was her bestest friend among the designers and she’s sorry that he’s gone. Keith interviews that he doesn’t know how to behave being in the bottom two. (Miz Shoes says that Keith could have ended that sentence five words earlier.) Keith wants to change the way the world dresses. Keith has delusions.

We quickly get to model selection and Straight Joe wants to keep peace in the model world, so he keeps Carpacio/Topogigio. Jermaine and Elana go home. Heidi tells the designers that they will find their next challenge on the roof of 142 W. 31st Street. The designers sit there and wait for more information. What they get is a Teutonic MACH SCHNELL!!!

As they walk, the designers speculate. What crazy superstar will they be designing for? What crazy rooftop style? says Oompa-Loompa-Licious. (Hint to RJ, you don’t have to type his name every time, just do a copy and paste. That’s what I do.) Korto thinks that maybe they are going to Mariah’s penthouse. On West 31st? What crack are you smokin’, woman? The building turns out to be a parking garage, and this leads the designers to think that they are going to a party. I know that’s what I think every time I walk into a parking garage. I think PAR-TAY!!!! Or not. I’m just sayin’. The big-ass industrial elevator scares them all. What a fucking bunch of panty waists this group is. God. You know who wouldn’t have been scared by an elevator? My dearest, darling friend Paulie of the House of Gallofornia, that’s who. And no, I’m not letting it go.

Up on the roof is a line of Saturn hybrids, Tim Gunn and Chris Webb, who is introduced as the lead color designer for Saturn. They plug the Vue and tell us that 85% of the materials used in manufacturing the vehicle are recyclable, and since the designers all sucked using unconventional materials from Gristede’s in the first challenge, they are getting a do-over this week, using the raw materials from Saturn. They have 4 minutes and a push cart to do their best to strip the materials they can use from the cars. And as interesting as it would have been to give them crowbars and torches, all they have to do is open the cars and piles of raw material falls out. They scramble, except for Stella, who monotones nasally that it is embarrassing to rush around, and she isn’t moving. She is also less than inspired by ALL THE FUCKING PILES OF LEATHER. God. The woman is just never satisfied. All she wants to work in is leather, so when she gets it, she complains.

Terri is having a panic attack, and Kenley is bitching that these are things you make cars from, not clothes. No, I don’t know what her point was. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is snatching up seat belts. Straight Joe reminds us that he is from the Motor City and that he is straight, and that he has immunity and therefore, he is loving this challenge.

Jerell has taken a pile of dashboard decals, the cutouts that detail the intrument panels. Baroo? Suede uses the “word” whackadoodle, but does not refer to himself in the third person. It’s still not helping with his curb appeal, if you know what I mean. Leanne admits that she is clueless.

Back at Parsons, Tim tells the designers that they have till midnight and the winner will get immunity. Tim reminds them that the key to winning this challenge will be innovation. He exhorts them to have fun. Korto is clueless. Straight Joe is still into it, and has a carburetor. That’s … interesting. Keith continues to bitch and moan about how the judges have no appreciation of his fabulous designs and that he’s getting tired of sending out this magnificent work only to have the judges ignore him. Keith considers himself to be a pretty special snowflake, doesn’t he?

Suede goes back to referring to himself in the third person AND uses “whackadoodle” AGAIN. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Suede. Stella pouts and decides that using leather would be too predictable for her, so rather than do something fabulous and amazing and true to her vision and skill set, she decides to make something “pretty”. Judging by how she dresses herself and how she works her hair and makeup, I’m guessing that Stella and I would have very different definitions of pretty. We’ll see. Suede talks about some more dead relatives. Getting as old as the use of whackadoodle, there, sport.

Keith has stopped whining long enough to design a pencil skirt, although I would debate whether design is the right word when speaking of a straight skirt. I mean, it’s a straight skirt. And tight. That’s sort of the definition of a pencil skirt. There is nothing to design. Cut a pattern for, drape, maybe. Design? Not so much.

Korto is weaving the seatbelts into a heavy fabric, and she is going for an everyday coat. Kenley is sneering at the other designers who are using seatbelts. She claims that she is being innovative because she’s using a magic marker to draw a zebra pattern on the air-filters that she’s using to make a peplum. Didn’t Kelli do that with bleach and coffee stains on the vacuum cleaner bags in the first challenge? Oh. Sorry. Persistence of memory is a bitch. Sort of like Kenley.

The industrial sewing machines in the Parson’s workroom are having a hard time on the truly industrial materials, and tension is going off, threads and needles are breaking. Oompa-Loompa-Licious decides to sew by hand. He’s making a princess line dress out of the seatbelts. It actually looks like a dress. And it actually looks sort of nice. Huh? Does Oompa-Loompa-Licious actually have some design chops?

Jerell says that the other designers are having problems, but he’s just whistlin’ Dixie. I’ll let RJ speak to that issue.

Stella has ripped open a headrest cover and is calling it a helmet. She says she’s going to use it on her model for the runway. She says it looks like Planet of the Apes. She sticks it on Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ head, and he does a pretty good Darth Vader “LUKE, I’m your father.” Despite myself, I find him cute and funny at that moment. The Number Three Surrogate Daughter and the RLA both rush to slap me back to consciousness.

Tim comes in with the models for fitting, and tells Kenley that her model, Shannone, had to drop out, and that she’s being replaced by Germaine. Kenley pitches a fit, and whines at a level that would do Keith proud. Kenley claims that Shannone bailed on her and Jerell (it’s off camera, but I think it was Jerell) says that Shannone probably got a real job that paid real money, and that it is hard to be a model in New York. Kenley sympathizes with that and says she was sorry for being such a self-involved bitch. Actually, she doesn’t. She says that this is all about her and she has a right to be pissed if she wants to be.

Tim does his turn around the workroom. Oompa-Loompa-Licious says “Hi, Timlicious” and Tim looks like he has a toothache. He is as surprised at what Oompa-Loompa-Licious is working on as we are. Jerell has taken the car seat leather, but turned it inside out so that he’s working with the rough, suede side. He’s using the decals and lining them with black leather. It’s sharp.

Korto has made a swing coat. Tim tells her not to loose the 60’s mod sophistication. Leanne’s is well-executed and has a very daring silhouette. She has taken bits of either seat belt, or fabric seat cover, made tiny swatches and frayed the edges to create an eyelash fringe. It’s pretty amazing (ahem, KEITH). Speaking of whom, Tim visits him next and is bored senseless by Keith’s whining and blahblahblah, clean look. Tim escapes the workroom with a final word of advice: “Don’t lose your trajectory.”

Terri interviews that Korto’s sleeves are awful and that Korto’s work is awful and that it looks like some horror movie or another and cracks herself up to the point that she’s rolling around on the ground. Jerell says that “Terri’s got two faces and four patterns. Don’t trust the bitch.” Well said, Jerell. And, sting. In the sewing room, Keith is being a pissy little bitch to all and sundry, enough so that the other designers opine about his ability to handle stress. And it’s night. Cut to the Atlas/Gotham, where ever the hell they live these days.

Stella is talking to her boyfriend Ratbones. Rat. Bones. Yeah, I know. I can’t. I’m just gonna let that one lie where Jesus flung it.

Morning of the show, and Korto says that if she’s called in the bottom three, then it is on. She is not going without a fight. But with whom would she fight? Would she pull off Terri’s rat weave? Would she kick Heidi in the knee? Slap the orange right off of Michael Kors? Have a throw down with NinaGarcia? This could be fun, except that I like Korto and don’t want her gone, just yet.

Tim comes to the work room and tells the designers to work like there’s no tomorrow, because you know, for one of you there won’t be. Nice. I think that Tim’s over this group, too. Keith’s got some major fitting issues with his model and tells her not to sit down. Then she heads off to hair and make up. And comes back with ten minutes to show time. She has, in fact, had to sit for the stylists, and Keith just unravels. I ask her to do one simple thing, he shrieks, and she can’t even do that. Well, you know, if you are 6 feet tall, it is a little difficult for someone to do your hair if you are standing up. Think about it, do-rag boy. Stella is back in her Dr. Suess on bad acid leggings. Please make them go away. 

The Bravo poll is who would you rather hop in the back seat with: Oompa-Loompa-Licious or Kenley or all of the designers. The consensus in the Casita de Zapattos is that there should be a none of the above, or death option. The smug, naked bitch is still naked and advertising BlueFly. Come on, buy something already, skank.

On the runway, Heidi is wearing a short, shiny and tight little dress by Rami of the Heavenly Arms. We have two guest judges today. Sitting in for NinaGarcia is my old favorite Laura Bennett, who is still fabulous, and who was robbed. That grey and chartreuse gown still needs to be hanging in my closet. Our other guest judge is Hollywood stylist to the stars Rachel Zoe, the woman who single-handedly made most startlets orange and carry a handbag larger than Tom Cruise.

Jerell’s look starts the show, and the hair and makeup folks have taken his futuristic look and run with it. She looks amazing, and the cutouts and decals and suede have combined into a nice little dress, very modern and wearable.

Keith’s halter top and pencil skirt don’t even deserve this many pixels. Terri has made…wait for it…. tight pants! (that would be pattern number 1, eh, Jerell). Kenley’s design is a black leather halter top with an air filter peplum over a pencil skirt. Leanne has made a bubble skirt? A skirt with hip bustles? A very daring and exaggerated shape, and a tight bustiere with that seatbelt fringe along the sweetheart neckline. HOTT!

Suede has made a bustiere from the floor mats, and a short, silver fringed skirt from the sun shields. It actually looks like something Keith would have made, if Keith could make an actual fringe as opposed to swatches. Korto’s coat looks amazing. I don’t know how much steam she used to make it flexible, but it looks like a million dollars walking down the catwalk. Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ dress fits like crap, which is unfortunate, because for the first time in this competition I can actually see what he was attempting. He’s shattered a rear-view mirror to make spangles, which he’s applied to the neckline. The princess seaming could have been attractive and stylish, but it doesn’t fit the model, and as she moves, the gaps and fitting issues move with her, now gaping in the arm pit, now bunching at the breast. Straight Joe has produced a sort of motocross dress and done some color blocking. He’s the only one to have found red leather, and he’s used the part that says “VUE” as a sort of breastplate. It’s a very clean, very automotive look, and I can absolutely see this at an auto show, on the salesgirls as they stand on a revolving platform pitching the new model year offerings. I was right. Stella and I do not have the same idea as to what constitutes pretty. She’s made a mummy wrap/pencil skirt and topped it with one of her usual racer-back leather vests. Ho-fucking-hum.

Terri, Suede, Straight Joe and Kenley leave the runway, safe for another week. Oompa-Loompa-Licious, Jerell, Keith, Korto and Leanne wait for the axe to fall on one of their dreams.

Jerell’s futuristic look with the resin molding is hailed by Rachel Zoe for his tailoring, and his styling is loved by Michael. Heidi thinks it’s wearable.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious is called out for his fit by Laura (who would know about fit and evening gowns). Michale hates the carwash hem, and Rachel says the whole thing is the wrong length.

Korto is lucky that Rachel, Laura and Heidi don’t rush the stage and engage in a little hair-pulling over who gets to take the coat home. They all want it. Even Michael says that it has great, restrained drama. And it does. And not to be a nay-sayer here, but it also has the same damn, oversized silhouette that she always shows. Which is nice the first four or five times you see it, but is starting to get stale.

Leanne has the judges in fits over her innovative and risky look. Words like “chic” “interesting” “FAB-ulous” “well-crafted” and “beautiful” are tossed at her like confetti. Remember Thing 2 or Thing 1 who used to say that she was all Holly Golightly meets Salvador Dali? and who was as boring as dry dust? Yeah. Bitch. THIS is what goes with that description, not the crap you were putting out.

And then there’s

Keith. He starts by saying that he didn’t want it to look like car parts. Rachel notices that there is a big hole in the back of the skirt. Was it intentional or bad sewing? Laura says that there doesn’t seem to be a concept anywhere. Keith says “You should have seen my other designs.” Laura gapes, smiles politely, if somewhat frozenly, and says “Excuse me?” Keith takes the opportunity to rage against the machine. He’s been sending amazing work down the runway, and nobody has appreciated it. His model sat down. Michael Kors is a mean old meany. “There’s criticism and then there’s insult,” Keith grouses, “and last week I was told my dress looked like a chicken.” Michael tells him to put on his big-boy panties and sack up, ho.

The poll results are back and a full 37% of voters want to hop in the back seat with all of the designers. Presumably because they can stuff them into the trunk if they fold down the seat? The judges deliberate and Heidi, Rachel and Laura do a quick rock, paper, scissors to determine who gets Korto’s trench coat. Then the producers tell them that it’s the property of the show and to get on with the voting, already.

Jerell is in. Korto is in. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is in. Leanne is the winner. Pretty good for the drab little girl who said she was clueless as she looked at her materials. This leaves Stella and Keith in the bottom two. Stella’s look was boring, too simple and disconnected. Keith had a chance to be innovative, but he was boring. And he blamed the model and the judges for his failure. And he was a pissy little bitch. Keith is sent back to Salt Lake City. Keith cries like a baby and says that his biggest disappointment (other than going back to SLC) is that he’s being sent home for something that wasn’t even his vision. Really? Did SATAN put it in your head? Did SATAN make you sew that crap? No? Then I guess it was yours. Own it, you big baby. And p.s., loose the bandana head bands. Really. You’ll thank me one day.

Next week, legendary designer Diane Von Furstenberg, the woman who invented the wrap dress, comes to torture the designers. It could be fun. Or it could be as exciting as a freaking wrap dress.

Open on the boy’s room, where a yellow stickie note reads “too much drama” (and not enough talent, snarks Miz Shoes). A quick cut to the women’s dorm reveals that Korto is kind of peeved that Kelli went home and that (in her opinion) that talentless hack Daniel2.0 is still around. Joe does a quick interview in which he dismissed Keith’s design aesthetic as “swatches”. The claws are out tonight, and we haven’t even gotten to the first commercial.

On the Parson’s runway, Heidi hold the velvet button bag. The back-lit silhouette is immense, with a set of Texas longhorns coming out of the cone-shaped head. Suede sums it up with a succinct “What the FUCK?” All is revealed as a great cackling laugh precedes the person of Chris March, dressed in full Brunhilde drag. He’s wearing disco balls for boobs, and a helmet with the above mentioned horns. He’s as fabulous as ever, and he and Heidi attempt to hug, but are foiled by the disco tits.

Quick shot of Terri proclaiming that this is the challenge she’s been waiting for, as she loves herself some drag queens. Korto, on the other hand, is overwhelmed by the visual stimuli of same. And, yes, that is the challenge this week: to design a stage costume for a drag queen. Oh, but not just any old random, off-the-street drag queens, but the Queens of the NYC drag scene: Farrah Moans, Miss Understood, Sweetie, Luisa Verde, Hedda Lettuce, Sharon Needles, Le May, Annida Greenkard, Sherry Vine, Acid Betty and Varla Jean Merman.

As the winner of the previous challenge, Keith gets to choose first, and he goes with Sherry Vine, who describes herself as NY’s Hollywood Starlet. In quick procession the designers choose their muses: Daniel2.0/Annida Greenkard, because she’s dressed in a flamenco dress; Oompa-Loompa-Licious opts for Miss Understood, who is dressed in neon colors and besides, really, it’s just pretty obvious isn’t it?; Jerell/LeMay (because she isn’t into costume); Straight Joe/Varla Jean Merman who describes her style as classic Ann Margaret drunk on glamour; Korto/Sweetie, because she likes sugar; Suede says that Suede has a head of ocean, and therefore needs Hedda Lettuce; Leanne steals Stella’s most likely choice, Sharon Needles; Kenley scoops up Farrah Moans; Terri goes for the seven-foot tall Acid Betty and Stella is left with Luisa Verde.

Chris and Heidi leave the stage arm in arm, engaged in some painful banter about going out for German food, which Heidi suggests would be beer and pretzels. Tim reminds the designers that designing for a drag queen means theatrical and over the top. No color too gaudy, no amount of sequins too many, no way to be too costumey. Do they listen? Not so much. They will get a budget of $200 and two days to work. All of the finished items will be auctioned off to Broadway Cares-Equity Fights AIDS. The designers and drag queens get half an hour to brainstorm their creations, incorporating the DQ’s personas and the designers’ styles. Then it’s off to Mood, where we see feathers and sequins and sparkly stuff. Straight Joe admits that this is way out of his league, but he’ll just imagine himself designing Halloween costumes for his daughters. Lord, I hope he doesn’t send those little girls out looking like drag queens. They’re just little girls, for heaven’s sake.

Daniel2.0 claims that he’s going to make a Glamazon Flamenco Dancer/Couture ensemble. I hear the first tolling of the iron death bell. Stella drones nasally about Luisa wants to be a lady, but she, Stella, prefers slick. Kenley is delighted with Farrah Moan, and is planning an Old Hollywood va-va-voom. Tim comes in to remind the designers that they really need to showboat this challenge, because, you know, hello? DRAG QUEENS?! And the winner gets immunity, which leads to Keith pissing and moaning about how he won the last challenge and is very not happy that he didn’t win immunity. Is it just me, or is Keith turning into a whiney little bitch who thinks he’s Miss Thing and All That and totally entitled?

Joe’s DQ has left behind her bra and boobs and there is much hilarity as everyone plays with them and they discuss the challenge of turning a large male mannequin into an even larger female dress form. Korto complains about how this challenge is out of her comfort zone. Honey? We don’t care. That’s sort of the whole point of this whole damn show, isn’t it? Terri describes her 80s look of leggings and a kimono for Acid Betty. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is wandering around with pink stuff tied over his head like a neon scarecrow (maybe he’s hoping the color will run and replenish his tan) and licious this and licious that-ing about every one and every thing. We are treated to a montage of all the other designers being sick and tired of Oompa-Loompa-Licious and his liciousness. Stella calls him cute, but all he knows is Licious, what ever that is. Leanne says that if she has to hear it one more time, she’ll barf, or maybe that would be barf-licious. Good one, Leanne.

And we’re at Day Two. Jerell says that walking into the work room, there is no doubt that they are designing for drag queens. (It’s a hot tranny mess up in there.)There are sequins and feathers and glitter all over. Suede tells us that he had a vision of his dead grandfather, looking over his design and telling him, “Suede, you need some seeds.” From this epiphany comes little lettuce heads, which he sews up the sides of the lime green opera-length gloves. Keith is doing something with fringes. Keith’s definition of fringes is very broad, encompassing any old shred or swatch of fabric he sticks down on a garment. He called last week’s skirt fringed, and it was scales/petals of chiffon. What ever. The other designers are as over his “fringes” and “swatches” as they are of Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ little verbal tic.

The queens come in for fittings and adjustments. They are not in drag, and none of the designers recognize these drab men as their fabulous muses. Only Hedda Lettuce keeps the persona going when out of costume. She’s fierce. Korto has made sort of a jester collar in flame colors and a huge strap-on (OH, get your minds out of the gutter, people) overskirt for Sweetie. Sweetie loves it, but I think it looks a bit like a sequined tomato on steroids. I do love the collar, though. Speaking of collars, Jerell is having issues with LeMay, who isn’t too keen on the deeply ruffled portrait collar he’s constructed. Straight Joe and Varla Jean look at the hot pink, sequined jump suit, and Varla says that it’s a little too Elvis. Maybe, she says, as she smoothes down her collar, we could make it a little more sailory? And the Miss Ann-Margret does the Love Boat look is born.

Hedda Lettuce is raggin’ on Suede, who is wearing an unfortunate pirate striped do-rag. She’s feeling a leetle Godzilla-ish she says, as she pulls on the lettuce covered gloves. And then she asks if Suede made gloves instead of sleeves cause he’s a lazy sack of shit. Suede is not happy with this line of questioning, and rightly flounces off in a huff.

With a mere six hours to go, Tim bring in Chris March to review and critique the designer’s work. Korto explains that her concept was “a woman in heat” and it certainly is. Oompa-Loompa-Licious has made something neon (again) with big, but not big enough, cone-shaped shoulder pads? wings? appendages? on the back that trail streamers. Tim tells him that it looks like a Pterodactyl from a gay Jurassic Park, and Oompa-Loompa-Licious gets all twitterpated and squeals that Tim has given him the greatest compliment, ever. Uh, no. No, he hasn’t you little orange troll, and even though you scored points with me last week, you have already lost them and dug further into my pit of contempt with your shenanigans this week.

Straight Joe has totally understood Varla’s persona and Chris and Tim are charmed. Suede tells them about how Hedda was such a bitch to him, and they tell Suede not to let her get away with that behavior. Tell her to wear it and work it, baby. And PS? That outfit is way cool, and she’d better work it for you. Keith’s pile of grey, white and black shreds is awful, and there isn’t a lot Tim or Chris can say. Daniel2.0 has made a pretty prom dress which has nothing to do with drag. Tim tells him to step up the drag and drama, and Daniel2.0 ignores him. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, Daniel2.0, it is tolling for thee. Oompa-Loompa-Licious, in an astonishing flash of insight, interviews that Daniel2.0 has made an evening gown, and a plain one at that, and not a drag queen’s costume. Jerell says something random about having to sell his dress like vacuums door to door.

The girls come in for the show, and hair and make up, which they don’t really need. Keith and Stella argue about the fringes and whether or not they need to be trimmed. Suede takes Hedda out to the tool shed and explains how he’s not happy with Hedda’s diva act, and how she needs to work this on the runway. Hedda, who is flawless, apologizes and all is sunshine and bunnies on team Suede Lettuce. Stella’s model says that she looks like Liz outa rehab, but I think she’s leaning a little toward Liza, myself. Also outa rehab. Stella, with an amazing lack of irony, claims that “these broads (referring to the drag queens) aren’t classy.” As we head into commercials, the quiz of the day is “who would you rather see in drag, Tim or Michael Kors?” The unanimous answer at Casa des Zapatos is Michael, although we suspect that he may not be a stranger to it.

Finally, we get to the runway. Heidi is in something short, shiny and tight. The guest judge is RuPaul, who is looking rode hard and put up wet. I have a dislike for RuPaul that goes back to her being vulgar and mean to Uncle Milty at the end of Berle’s life, and also to her being a bitch one year at White Party, so just maybe RuPaul isn’t aging as badly as I think. Or she is. On with the show.

Kenley’s dress is a silver, sequined column with an enormous portrait collar of black and white ostrich feathers. I think I’ve seen Carol Channing in this, wearing it with no irony whatsoever. Meh.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ model’s wings are drooping sadly. Oompa-Loompa-Licious says he doesn’t want the judges to think it was poorly made. It was. Varla Jean comes out in her hot pink pantsuit and works the runway and her outfit to within an inch of both their lives. She’s magnificent. Stella sends out another leatherette and plaid Vivienne Westwood homage. Ho-fucking-hum.

Hedda Lettuce does herself and Suede proud in her little green dress with the overjacket and gloves. She gives it her all, and everyone is happy. Daniel2.0’s Anneda Greenkard does her best, but it’s all hair and nothing else. Boring, boring, boring. And we never want to bore NinaGarcia. Terri’s Kabuki Samurai is AMAZING! The hair and make-up are perfect, the kimono and thigh-high boots with a red patent leather corselette/obi are fierce. The look is frightening and fabulous. The boots have been modified so that they are not identical. Acid Betty works it.

Jerell’s dress is weak, and Stella Needles isn’t feeling it. Sweetie, however, is feeling it, and she works that spangled tomato to death. She pulls off the overskirt and flashes her gams. Keith’s limp pile of “fringe” looks (HE says) like Tina Turner. Defensively, he adds, “Yeah, I used fringe again. So what? It’s totally different.” The last look is Leanne’s Jetsons-inspired mini. It’s all full of spiky folds and angles. It’s pretty damn cool.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious, Kenley, Suede, Stella and Leanne are sent away, safe for another week. Korto, Terri, Daniel2.0, Straight Joe, Keith and Jerell are the best and the worst, and stick around on the runway, waiting for the final tolling of the bell.

Terri’s design is loved to death by all. It’s Gene Simmons/Dianna Ross. Michael Kors says that he needs the boots. Told you he was a big old tranny. RuPaul loves the look.

Keith claims that his look is Sex Kitten. Heidi says it’s messy and Keith replies that rock and roll is messy. RuPaul asks “And did the dingos eat your baby? because you are all full of excuses.” Michael says that it doesn’t look like rock and roll, it looks like a “sad, molting gray chicken.” Michael Kors is brilliant. I want to go hang out and drink with him. And are the designers getting mouthier with the judges, or is it just editing? I remember rumors of Santino making NinaGarcia cry.

Jerell gets no love from the judges, either. RuPaul says that the proportions are wrong, and MK says that it looks a little bit Thoroughly Modern Millie Under The Sea, with a side of my auntie would have worn that to a bar mitzvah. Surrogate Daughter Number 3 suggests that MK is getting more Jewish every week. Korto, however, is lauded for her work with Sweetie. RuPaul loves the flattering shape. MK says that it gives Sweetie a Heidi Klum body, and he hears Victoria’s Secret calling. Sweetie squeezes the girls and sighs, oh, if ONLY they made a 44D.

Daniel2.0 is asked by NinaGarcia why, for the love of G-d did you NOT use sequins? And Daniel2.0 says that doing so would have made him vomit. I think that’s the final tolling of the bell, there, sport. The judges all howl that his work was too normal. They say “normal” like it’s a bad thing, which, when designing duds for drag queens, it totally is.

The judges deliberate, and it isn’t interesting enough to repeat. The results of the poll say that 54% of the respondents would rather see Tim Gunn in drag. The Surrogate Daughter and I agree that he could probably rock a drag Mary Poppins. Or the banker’s secretary from the Beverly Hillbillies.

Terri is in (and none to happy with coming in second). Damn, that’s a puss face. Straight Joe wins!!! As well he should. Varla sold that outfit and it fit her like a glove. She tee-hees, and oh, yous the judges and flutters her false eyelashes. Straight Joe gets immunity for next week. He goes to the back and sits next to Terri, who glares daggers at him, and you know that she just wants to cut a bitch. Korto and Jerell are in. Daniel2.0 and Keith are on the bottom. Daniel2.0 is taken to task for not listening, and not delivering anything but excuses. Keith is told his work is random, unpolished and getting old. Keith is left in to bore Nina another week, and Daniel2.0 and his impeccable taste get to pack up their pins and needles and go home. Good-bye, Danny boy. You were never as interesting as Daniel Franco, anyway.

Next week, the designers work with auto parts or something and Laura Bennett is our guest judge. Whee!

A caveat, if you will. Unlike the TWP folk, I don’t have TIVO. I recap more or less on the fly, taking notes as I watch the show live. I am surrounded, usually, by the RLA, my three attention-demanding pets and an assortment of Surrogate Daughters and their friends. There is usually alcohol involved, and food. Sometimes I don’t get things right, I only get my impressions. Deal with it, and if you feel the need to correct me in the comments, go right ahead. So, without further ado:

Korto opens the show reliving the glorious moment when she won immunity for this challenge. Daniel2.0 follows by reliving the not so glorious moment when he found himself in the bottom two, again. He vows that, as God is his witness, he’ll never go hungry again. Or end up in the bottom two. Way to curse yourself, dude. Don’t any of you people on reality shows actually watch reality shows? It’s called HUBRIS, and it goeth before a fall. Or an auffing. I’m just saying.

Model selection whizzes by as Korto foolishly keeps her model, and doesn’t steal Shannone. The week’s challenge will be to design an outfit for a glamorous, chic, high-powered professional woman. Stella assumes that would be Sharon Osborne. Sigh. But no, it is Brooke Shields, and they won’t be designing for her so much as for the character she plays on some Sex and the City knock-off that she’s in, Lipstick Jungle. Brooke is described as a fashion icon, author, model and actress. To me, though, she’ll always be the one who fought Tom Cruise over meds for post-partum depression… and won. To Suede, she is still the face/body of Calvin Klein jeans, and he loves her for that. I love the fact that Suede seems to have dropped the use of the third person. Brooke’s character is described as a Studio Executive, married to a musician and living a Bohemian lifestyle. Puh-leeze. Can you throw one more dramedy archetype in there? The ensemble should work as a day-into-night, office to cocktails look.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious says that he has friends who are exactly that, and he is “stoked” to be doing this challenge. Oompa-Loompa-Licious says that he has this one in the bag. (See HUBRIS, above) The designers are given half an hour to sketch, after which they will present their designs to Brooke. She will choose six team leaders, and they will pair up with the remaining designers to create the looks.

Jerell says that he really needs to listen to the challenge this week. And the sky is blue, and lemons are tart, and grass is green. Keith says some bullshit about a convertible sleeve. Kelli wants to design with an animal print because the show is Lipstick JUNGLE. Get it? Jungle? Animal prints? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ms. Obivous. Daniel2.0 is shown sketching and he can really draw. Not only is the design nice, but it actually looks like Brooke. Kiss of death, there, dude.

They present to Brooke in sequence: Suede is told to modernize his look. Kenley is selling a boat neck, and Brooke seems to like it. Terri is showing (another) pantsuit and Brooke loves the pants. Oompa-Loompa-Licious has a Bermuda short ensemble which is questionable, sort of like Oompa-Loompa-Licious. Daniel presents something and Keith presents something, and my notes say that Brooke likes the combination of textures in Daniel2.0’s work, but she may really have said that about Keith. Stella, in another quantum leap away from her usual crap, offers up a leather “cor-SET” (yes, she put the accent on the second syllable). Straight Joe goes by so fast that I can’t take a note. Korto has a palette of orange and lime green and Brooke says that’s perfect. Leanne offers up something that is comfy, yet impeccable? And Jerell shows khaki.

Before Brooke announces her team leaders, but not before they’ve seen sketches, she tells the designers that the winning look will be worn by her on the show next season. Since this is such a huge prize, there will be no immunity.

Terri, who refuses to play to her urban, inner-city stereotype, says “Oh, GURL, you don’t know what you just did.”

Keith is called first, and he gloats about it in an interview. I was FIRSTEST!!!! Then Korto, chosen for the ethnicity angle she spoke to Brooke about and which we didn’t see. Jerell, whose look was young and leggy, and Brooke’s got gams. Kelli is picked, but told to watch the use of the jungle print, that it shouldn’t be too obvious. Terri’s pants are perfect, and she was the only designer to feature pants. The last team leader is…. Oompa-Loompa-Licious. I know. We all groaned. Brooke says that she took a chance with Oompa-Loompa-Licious, and that she wants to see if he can be different without being too shockingly different. (She didn’t notice that he’s an orange little troll?)

To chose their partners, the six team leaders’ names are drawn at random from the velvet button bag. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is drawn first and takes for his partner Leanne. Keith takes Kenley, whom he says is too bossy and opinionated, but that if he can get her to shut up, she can sew. Terri picks Suede. Korto takes Straight Joe and Kelli, with some sadness, opts for Daniel2.0. She says that she loves Stella, but that Stella just couldn’t make what she, Kelli, is going for. Which leaves Stella to team up with Jerell. Jerell shows the most class of any of the designers this season when he says that he wanted Stella anyway, because he wants to use leather and he needs her skill set.

There’s a midnight deadline and a budget of $150 per team. Off to Mood, where Keith and Kenley are getting into it immediately over fabric choices. Kenley has glommed on to some nasty little floral print, and won’t let go. Tim comes over to see what the fuss is, and tells them to keep looking.

Daniel2.0 and Kelli are not happy with each other’s choices, either. Kelli is looking at turquoise/jade green with black lace over it and it looks like ass. When Daniel2.0 tries to tell her that, she shuts him up and he goes back to looking like a sad little puppy.

In the workroom, Jerell and Stella agree that they can both knock out a skirt in no time, and Jerell leaves that to Stella. Kenley is whining about Keith’s design and that she doesn’t like it. Kelli is unhappy with Daniel2.0’s sewing skills and is riding him like a wild stallion.

Suede and Terri are also having issues. Apparently Suede measures everything first and Terri just cuts. Suede has draped the top and there doesn’t seem to be enough fabric to make the skirt. Suede is not happy with Terri’s management skills. Terri is not happy with Suede. Terri says, and I quote “I don’t know what he’s packin’ there, ball or a va-jayjay, but he’s gotta man up.”  Well, alrighty, then. Way to play against type, GURL.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious claims that he’s crazy because both his parents were crazy, then they got divorced and married another set of crazy people. Crazy is in the blood. There’s therapy for that, Oomps.

Keith tells Kenley to redo something. Jerell is confident and Stella is hammering away at some chartreuse leatha. Tim arrives to give the designers a happy surprise: extra time to fit the models. Is this because we’ve seen that there are fitting issues ever frelling week this season, or just to be nice? Daniel2.0 and Kelli are still having problems and issues with D2.0’s sewing skills. The skirt he’s made is described as being half ruched, half not, the skirt itself is crooked and the zipper isn’t set right. It’s awful. Kelli is demanding that Daniel do it over. Daniel interviews passive-aggressively that yeah, the skirt is awful, but it’s also Kelli’s design and he doesn’t much care that it sucks. I feel you, Dannytwopointoh.

Terri and Suede are nose to nose, too. Terri keeps saying that the shirt Suede made is “all jacked up; that everything Suede touches is NOT gold.” Terri is ready to throw Suede under the bus, and the sooner the better. I am a little shocked to say that my sympathies are lying with Suede on this. Tim comes into this drama to check on the designers, and heads over to Oompa-Loompa-Liciousville, where the khaki Bermuda shorts are taking shape. He tells Oompa-Loompa-Licious that this is not going to work for evening, and it might even be a little too casual for business day. Oompa-Loompa-Licious tries to get Tim to say “holla atcha boy”, but Tim merely grimaces stiffly in a death-like rictus of a smile, and beats it out of the area.

Jerell and Stella have truly collaborated and the colors and shapes are terrific. The chartreuse waist cincher is paired with a not-too-obvious leopard print flowy skirt and a sort of forgettable top. To Kelli and Daniel2.0, Tim says that he’s dubious about the look. Well, the look is dubious, so that’s an appropriate response. As he comes to Suede and Terri (still looking daggers at each other) Tim asks why they are concerned with their piece. Terri asks for a reality check about the top that she thinks is so jacked. Tim loves it, so stick a sock in it, Terri. Keith and Kenley are showing a really nice skirt/blouse thing, so Tim rubs Kenley’s nose in her choice of that tacky fabric that she insisted they buy. She has to admit that she was wrong. It’s sweet. For us, the audience and Keith, but not so much for Kenley.

Korto and Joe have an orange dupioni silk tunic on their mannequin. It’s very over sized (kind of like everything else Korto does). Tim isn’t happy and Straight Joe agrees that it looks like a giant sweet potato. This sends Korto over the edge, and she and Straight Joe have to have a time out in the lounge to discuss why he didn’t tell her it sucked before Tim got there. She says that she wouldn’t let him walk into a bus, and that he should have defended his point of view.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious rubs his little orange hands together in glee and chortles over how awesome it’s going to be when he sees his look on the Lipstick Jungle… I’m going to win, my precious, he says.

Kelli and Daniel2.0 make a new skirt and the girls all get together and have a good laugh over the fact that they think that Daniel2.0 wouldn’t know high-end glamour if it sat on his lap and called him daddy. Then Jerell trashes Terri while wearing a stupid, twee and obnoxiously bright green (and too small, sitting on the side of his head) hat. Tim comes in and tells the designers to “appropriately” borrow from the BlueFly accessory rack. Hmmm, do you think somebody noticed how badly the designers are styling the models this year? They are styling themselves badly, too. Oompa-Loompa-Licious appears to be wearing a micro-vest. Leanne has on a huge, folded, pleated, asymmetrical collar that is attached to another mini-bolero thing. Jerell is wearing a white dress over his pants. Stella has on the jacket that matches her Dr. Suess on bad acid stripey leggings, but thankfully not the leggings. All in all, this is a motley crew.

On the runway, the models are not faring a whole lot better. Korto’s tunic has been belted and looks smart. Then the model takes off the tunic and there is a flesh-colored, strapless column dress with a wonky cut out in the back. It doesn’t fit. Anywhere. Kelli and Daniel2.0s ensemble is cut too short on the bustierre thing, so that there is belly showing between the top and the top of the plain skirt. It’s just awful on so many levels, especially the tacky leopard print with the tiny bra-cups of teal. Ick.

Jerell and Stella’s outfit is amazing. The skirt flows, the proportions are great, and the colors and patterns all work. They have put a zebra skin belt over the chartreuse waist-cincher, and it needs to come live in my closet. I know. I can’t believe it, either. Terri and Suede’s model looks like a giant inverted triangle. She’s wearing skin-tight pants, and a flow-y top with a super-wide, ruffled boat neck, and falls to a belted waist. It is reminiscent of the thing she did that won, except it doesn’t fit as well. Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ has made very low rise Bermudas, paired with a jersey top with some strappiness going on at the shoulder/neck/sleeve and a teal Forever 21 cotton top over it.

The teams of Jerell/Stella, Kelli/Daniel2.0, Keith/Kenley and Oompa-Loompa-Licious/Leanne are asked to stay, as they represent the best and the worst. The other designers (who?) are sent away, safe. For now. Brooke tells Jerell that his combination of textures and patterns is perfect. Michel Kors agrees that the silhouette is flirty, sexy and NOT cheap. Heidi loves it. I love it. The Surrogate daughters love it. The RLA loves it. Safe to say that it won’t win.

Brooke is horrified by Kelli’s design. “The shape is the truly unfortunate part,” she says. “It’s cheaper than I thought it would look.” And MK delivers a “slutty, slutty, slutty.” Heidi asks Kelli who should be auffed, should her team lose. Daniel.20, says Kelli without skipping a beat. Daniel2.0 is miffed, and says that he has impeccable, high-end taste, thankyouverymuch, and Kenley about pisses herself laughing out loud at him. What’s so funny,? asks Daniel2.0 with wounded dignity.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious is told that it was a leap of faith to make him the team leader, but that she, Brooke, liked how inspired he was, and how willing to take a chance. But this look is not appropriate for her character. Leanne is asked how she could have let Oompa-Loompa-Licious go so far wrong. Heidi says that the model looks like a woman who got dressed in the dark with no mirror. Schnort. And then, a miracle happens. Heidi asks the who should go question to Blayne, and he says that as a matter of integrity, he should, because he was the team leader. Well played, Oompa-Loompa-Licious.

The judges deliberate a little more, and agree that Jerell and Stella’s work was impeccable (the word of the night) and that they did a terrific job working together. Keith and Kenley made something inspired and sophisticated and completely appropriate for the show and the character. On the other hand, Daniel2.0 and Kelli did what Kelli liked. NinaGarcia is doubtful about either of them having taste. She points out that Daniel has yet to display the wonderful taste he keeps talking about. Of Oompa-Loompa-Licious, the consensus is that he’s a bratty little snot who didn’t listen, and that Leanne has lost her confidence. (And her mind, if you look at that neck warmer.)

Brooke announces Keith/Kenley the winners. Stella and Jerell come in second. Leanne and Daniel2.0 are safe. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is given a stern talking to and left in, and Kelli is sent home, but not before she delivers a sort of snotty exit interview.

Next week is the return of Chris March and the challenge to end all challenges: Dress a Drag Queen. Need I mention that my darling, dearest Paulie of the House of Gallofornia would win that with one hand tied behind his back and the other eating pie? I didn’t think so.

Morning has broken, and the girls are waking. Keith is showing off his tats and hard body. Kenley is interviewing that winning and having her point of view understood by people who are important in the fashion world feels good. Good lord, but this group is insipid. Putting the exclamation point on that is a brief shot of the boys’ blackboard where Oompa-loompa-licious has changed the name of his imaginary team to Sex-licious.

We trot off to Parsons for model selection and Kenley is smart enough to keep her model, Shannone, who is, hands down, the best thing on the show this season, model or designer. Heidi is wearing a wonderful, sheer grey blouse with a cascade of ruffles down the center front. I wonder if it’s one of Christian’s pieces.

The designers are sent away quickly, for yet another field trip with Tim. Joe (who is straight and has 2 daughters, remember) is whining about not knowing their destination. Tim is querying Oompa-loompa-licious about the tanning habit. Oompa-loompa-licious says that where other (more normal) people go to the gym every other day, he goes to the tanning salon. Tim points out that this is a huge time commitment. Oompa-looompa-licious is completely blasé about the whole thing, and whines a little about missing his tanning booth.

DESTINATION MOON

Or, to be more accurate, the Armory Track and Field Center, decorated with Project Runway and 2008 Olympics banners. Suede (who thankfully, does not refer to himself in the third person a single time this week, but who, unfortunately reveals other, equally annoying verbal tics) says “Oh. My. God. It’s GI-NORMOUS!!!” (pronounced with a jay and a hard i, like giant)

The designers enter the cavernous space and see a lonely speed skater whipping around the roller derby track on blade skates. He pulls up in front of them and reveals himself to be Apolo Ohno, gold medalist in the ’04 Olympics and winner of Dancing With The Stars. Apolo is as big a reality tee-vee star as he is an Olympian, and I long for the days when athletes were “just” athletes. He’s a wee little fellow, and cute as a bug’s ear. Terri interviews that the boy is HOTT and that “he sold it.” To which I can only add, no shit and duh. Apolo Ohno will also be their guest judge.

The challenge this week is create a look (women’s wear only) for the opening ceremonies where the teams walk onto the field, representing their countries. It is always a fashion show, and one of the more colorful and entertaining parts of the meet. Tim reminds the designers that their design should represent America, and that in real life, it’s a big deal. This year Ralph Lauren has designed the Americans ensembles, and in the past names like Giorgio Armani have designed for their home countries.

Daniel2.0 reveals that he has never watched the opening ceremonies of any Olympics. Oh, great.  The budget this week is $150, and they have until midnight. There is an Olypmics museum at the Armory (who knew) and the designers get to wander around for an hour or two, all by themselves, to find inspiration from the past.

In interviews, Oompa-loompa-licious says that this is “HUMUNGOUS!!!  (which should not be confused with another word for Blayne: homunculus. Joe, who is straight and has two daughters, cackles madly that this is his challenge to win or lose, as he always watches the Olympics and he’s a sportswear designer and he’s straight.

As they go through the museum, and while shopping at Mood, the designers reveal their plans. Terri is going to create something that is classic Americana sportswear (What ever that is. I have visions of square dance costumes and bad stage productions of Paint Your Wagon. I think she meant American sportswear.)

Pop quiz: who says that they will be making some thing that is “bold, fur, progressive, leatha, aerodynamic and like modern gladiators”? Yeah. Right. Stellicous.

Jerell is going back to the 1940s and 50s for suits and blazers. Daniel whines that he’s totally into glamour and that this challenge has nothing to do with him. Is it just me or is there a lot, and I mean a metric shit ton lot more whining this year than in past seasons?

Korto is going to use leather and linen. Kenley has a cobalt blue over-sized plaid. Stellicious has glommed onto some black stretch satin, which she is going to trim with red, white and blue. There is drama as Keith steals Terri’s op-art red and white chiffon. (Where the HELL is my chiffon?) Terri, who will never play to stereotype, delivers a “Oh, no, you DI’N’T!” with a tear in her eye and a straight face. Leanne or Jennifer says that Stellicious’ work looks like a “goth night club”. Stellicious is all “There’s a lot of bikers who watch the Olympics.” Which may very well be, but they are neither the sponsors of same nor are they competing in any sport. Unless boob-flashing, drinking and beating someone with bike chains become Olympic sports.

Tim makes the rounds, gives the designers until midnight to complete their looks, and adds that the winner gets immunity in the next challenge. He does not say “Make it work” but instead tells them to pull the stops out and work hard.

PUMPING IRON(ing boards)

Leanne or Jennifer says that she was a cheerleader because she was a gymnast. Joe (who is straight and has two small daughters who play softball) played football in Junior High, but then everybody else grew and so he never made it to varsity. He took up sewing instead. And yes, he’s straight. Really. Daniel2.0 is going to make a cocktail dress, because drinking (see above about the bikers) should be an Olympic sport. I concur, and there’s a sport where age would have an advantage. I could try out.

Oompa-loompa-licious makes some feeble joke about being an Olympic tanner and that the medals only go to bronze. Ha. Ha. Ha. He’s killing me here. Terri’s making a jacket, pants, bustier and a shirt or a dickie or something. Jennifer is making a little skirt and a short swing jacket with a Peter Pan collar. Stellicious gets teased about her choice of color: “Stella, are you using black because we’re in a depression?” (That, on the other hand, is funny.) No, she says, in her nasal deadpan, because it’s tuff. Keith says he’s doing something playful with fleece and silk. Sounds vaguely dirty to me.

Joe, the straight dude, spends a long time bitching about Daniel2.0 and Kenley having a good time and working together. In fact, this leads to a lot of the designers whining about Kenley’s laugh and the fact that she and Daniel2.0 are getting along. They think that these two are having altogether too much of a good time and that they have no consideration for the miserable demeanors of those around them.

Korto talks about coming to America as a refugee and how America is, to her, a land of hopes and dreams and second chances. She always watches the Olympics and she is using white because she says those teams dressed in white always pop during the opening ceremonies. There’s an awful lot of back story, and I have a moment of fear that we will be going the female circumcision route again. Thankfully, this is not so.

As we head to commercials there is another Bravo poll which ridicules Oompa-loompa-licious and Stellicious. Back in the workroom, with three hours left till midnight, Tim comes in to review. First is Joe, who is working in red, white and blue. He’s making a skort, and he’s created a red and blue zipper by taking a zipper of each color apart, then recombining them. Tim is very impressed by this little detail and says it shows some wit.

IT WAS 20 YEARS AGO

Oompa-loompa-licious is making something. He says he wants to be literal, but clearly has no idea of what literal means, because when Tim doesn’t understand and asks Oompa-loompa-licious to explain his meaning, he says it means athletic. Tim says that rather than athletic, Oompa-loompa-licious’ garment looks a little Sergeant Pepper. Cue the crickets. Oompa-loompa-licious has no idea what Tim is referring to. Tim tells him. Oompa-loompa-licious points to something and says it’s a 1930’s cardigan and Tim says no it isn’t and walks off, but not before Oompa-loompa-licious gets him to say “holla atcha boy” one more time. The surrogate daughters grab the knitting needles out of my hands before I can stab myself with them.

Daniel2.0 is concerned that his cocktail dress is looking a little Superman-ish, and Tim assures him for Olympic athletes, this is a perfectly acceptable reference. Tim is concerned, however, that Daniel2.0 is starting to over-think himself and beginning to unravel…sort of like he does every challenge. Oh, Daniel2.0, eat a cookie. Relax.

Jerell is working with a menswear suiting fabric and is using it to construct a skirt with horizontal stripes. Tim, ever so delicately, points out that they are designing for women athletes, who are muscle-y, and might not want to wear horizontal stripes. Tim thinks the whole look is veering dangerously into Lucy Ricardo-land. As he comes up to Jennifer, Tim says that her work is looking a little matronly, again. There’s a full, pleated skirt in gold and white stripes. Kenley is talking Daniel2.0 out of making a matching bolero.

We cut to the sewing room, where we see Daniel2.0 working away on a machine, surrounded by about a dozen other machines, which are not in use. Joe, who is straight and used to play football, immediately starts in on Daniel2.0 for being on HIS machine. HIS machine is HIS machine because he’s been using that particular machine for a couple of days, and furthermore, had threaded it with white thread before wandering out of the workroom to do something else. Joe, who is straight, is escalating this argument into WAHmbulance territory. Suede does not refer to himself in the third person, but does interview that fighting over machines is “whackadoodle”. MizShoes gets misty-eyed, reminiscing over the good old days when Suede referred to himself in the third person and refrained from using words like gi-normous and whackadoodle. And then, with absolutely no self-awareness whatsoever, Joe (who is straight) interviews that the reason there is SO. MUCH. DRAMA is because there are “too many queens around.”

RUN, RUN, RUN (A)WAY

It is morning in the boys’ room and Jerell is moisturizing his thighs.

It’s runway day and the tension is high in the work room. Kenley and Daniel2.0 are using the same blue fabric, but for some reason, Kenley thinks that Daniel2.0’s is going to look purple on the runway and hers won’t.  Straight Joe has gotten over his little snit enough to say that he’s going to win, because the judges are going to be looking for red, white and blue and he has a background in sportswear. That made no sense, did it?

Also making no sense is Oompa-loompa-licious, who says that Jerell’s picture hat, pencil skirt and secretary blouse look like the fashions on the Titanic. In fact, they look like Dior’s New Look, only tacky and ill-made. Oompa-loompa-licious absolutely no sense of history, fashion or otherwise. Korto says that the room looks like the past, but she looks to the future.

On the runway, Heidi is wearing something, short, shiny and tight and looking fierce. So much for NinaGarcia’s cautionary statement about that combination. We meet the judges.

Korto’s look is a nice vest with some color detail like epaulets on the shoulders and a high-waisted, very well-fitted pant with super-wide legs.

Suede’s got a micro roller skating skirt (in satin)with a racer-back top. Kelli has done something that looks like the 50s (again). Blue pencil skirt with white detailing, secretary/rockabilly blouse with a big, floppy bow.

Joe has made a nice little skort with USA actually appliquéd down the side. The two-tone zippers are a very nice detail. The consensus in the living room is that this works perfectly for the challenge.

Leanne has made some kind of shapeless white top with a huge, fluffy peplum and an ascot-looking red/white/blue collar and shorts. Daniel2.0’s cocktail dress has the buttons from Mickey Mouse’s shorts down the front and looks like a 1960s stewardess uniform. Coffee, tea, or a 100 meter dash?

Jerell has made something truly ugly and truly awful with an absolutely abominable polka-dot hat and has stuck freaking Capri-length leggings under the skirt, just to add a little sartorial insult to sartorial injury.

Stellicious’ black stretch satin looks an awful lot like the crap she made last week: there is a vest, this one belly-revealing, and with semi-cap sleeves, and skin-tight Capri-length pants/leggings with an exposed zipper accenting the crotch. She’s accessorized with an ugly pair of bronze booties from the BlueFly wall. For a hard-core rocker, this look evokes nothing more than the “bad girl” costume Olivia Newton-John wears at the end of Grease.

Keith has made a micro-bubble skirt in a navy/white plaid, and paired it with a white, hip-length sleeveless blouse that has a huge, popped color. This is accessorized with a pair of long scarves: one navy, one red.

Terri’s red, white and blue bustier barely fits, but that problem is concealed by the cascading ruffles of her ascot/dickie/scarf made of the contested chiffon (which appeared nowhere in Keith’s outfit). The white pants are fitted, and have color detailing in the outside seam. The cropped blazer is really cute. Again, the living room is happy with this look.

Jennifer’s Peter Pan-collared navy swing jacket sits over a full, pleated gold and white skirt. It is very, very preppy and very, very cute. It is had nothing at all to do with sports, unless one intends to wear it to a polo match, or to dine on strawberries and cream on the grass at Wimbledon.

Oompa-loompa-licious has cranked out yet another one-sleeved, asymmetrical snooze fest. The pants are skin-tight, the top looks like a Flashdance remake. Kenley has used her immunity in this challenge to make a high-waisted, skin-tight skirt out of her large-scale plaid, which she has sewn on the bias. There is a high-collared white top with a large collar. As the model turns around, I see that the plaid doesn’t match, or even come within a shot-put throw of matching on the center seam.

WE WHO ARE ABOUT TO DIE

Heidi calls out Suede, Kelli, Stellicious, Leanne, Keith, Blayne and Kenley. These are the designers who are safe. The surrogate daughters and I exchange incredulous looks. We want what the judges are smoking, because we can’t believe that the designers who are left represent the best and worst. But the judges say they do, so what do we know?

Terri’s work is praised by Apolo who says that the colors pop and the look is American. Michael Kors says that it’s very Lauren Hutton, 1970s. NinaGarcia says that a team dressed in that outfit would be sharply dressed, indeed.

Jennifer claims that her look was inspired by a track suit from the 20s, but Heidi says that it is neither American nor Olympian. It is not strong, nor does it exude confidence. Furthermore, it is completely missing any athletic component. Well. That’s harsh. Accurate, but harsh.

Straight Joe, on the other hand, is praised for the zipper and the little athletic details. Apolo says that the look is very body-conscious and appropriate for athletes. Straight Joe glows with pride.

Daniel2.0 says that his look is modern. Apolo says that may be, but it is not athletic, at all. NinaGarcia says that there is nothing about the look that says USA and questions the color of the fabric, which looks purple on the runway. MK delivers the best line of the night when he says that the color is the least of the dress’ problems. Where is she from? He asks, putting his note card in front of first one eye and then the other, the Republic of Cocktail Land?

NinaGarcia loves Korto’s use of the super light weight leather and linen. It is, she declares: chic. Heidi loves it, too. Apolo says that it’s unique, comfortable and very modern, very ought eight.

Jerell is wearing something ridiculous: there’s a Nehru hat with stuff on it, and combat boots with his pants legs tucked in and lots of wicketywack on him, which perfectly (?) complements the over-the-top silliness of his outfit. He claims it is unique. MK almost chokes and says something like, yuh, but not in a good way. Apolo points out that it would be more at home on a movie set than in a track and field arena. NinaGarcia calls it Mary Had a Little Lamb. MK gets the last word, and that word is meshuggana.

As the judges tally up the scores, Terri gets all of Michael Kors’ love for sportswear separates. Joe, they say, made it look easy. They all love his athletic aesthetic. There is not so much love for Jennifer. Kors’ says her look represents a prim, romantic athlete who is bashful about her body, or, in other words, Jennifer can’t get past her own issues. About Daniel, they say that if your sport is drinking, the dress was perfect. Schnort. Does this mean I get a dress?

The gold goes to Korto! Huh? What happened to all the Terri and Straight Joe love?

They get the silver and bronze. Jerell is in. Why? The bottom two designers are Daniel, who missed the concept completely and is told that his sad little purple cocktail dress was “slutty, slutty, slutty” (what about the belly-baring stretch satin from Stellicious? That wasn’t slutty enough for you?) and Jennifer, who is stuck in the past as a designer, when the whole point of this show is the future. Needless to say, Jennifer goes home. And as she leaves, she reminds us once again that she was a surrealist. Jen? Honey? Go back to art school, and figure out what Surreal means, because it isn’t a Peter Pan collar. Unless you’ve painted one onto a giraffe… in a bathtub… and called it Pan-Nationalism.

Till next week, let’s keep the scissors sharp.

Open on boy’s dorm, morning. Daniel2.0 is sorry that Wesley’s gone, because they had a certain simpatico. Yeah, and now they’re an item IRL. In the girls’ rooms, Stella is sleeping in. Terrie’s trying to wake her up by shaking her ass in Stella’s face. I’m not too sure how that’s going to help. I mean, I’d be deeper under the covers if anybody was going ass to face on me in the dark hours of the morning.

But soon enough we are with Heidi and the velvet button bag, standing on the runway, waiting for model selection. In a moment of monumental underwhelmingness, Suede stays with TuhtuhtuhTia. Suede loves Tia. Suede loves Suede, more, though. And Suede is insisting on the third person. Heidi says that the designers (and why, this season, do I feel like that should be in quotes?) have worked hard, and as a reward, Tim will be taking them out for a night on the town. Jerell is skeptical.  Stella drones nasally that “Tim ain’t takin’ us to his house,” but hopes that there might be a club in her future. I’m hoping there’s a club in her future, too, but mine is a club made of wood and applied to her head. Or Suede’s head. Or Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ head. Yeah, I know that Asshat won my little poll, but this is my blog, and RJ has already started using Oompa-Loompa-Licious on hers, and damn it, that was MY joke. Where was I? Ah, a club to the head. And in comes Tim and there goes Oompa-Loompa-Licious, calling him Tim-Licious, and where is that club again? GAH!!!

It’s raining in New York, and Tim distributes slickers and Wellies. This concerns the “designers” who think that this is looking less and less like a decent meal and a night at the Roxbury. This group is like rockit scientists, really. The penny drops for all when they arrive at an open-roofed double-decker tour bus, and are informed that this week’s challenge will be to design a “night out on the town” garment inspired by New York City at night. There will be four stops on the tour, and at each stop, a group of designers will disembark and search for inspiration.

The first stop is Columbus Circle, and Suede, Daniel2.0, Leanne (Thing1) and Jennifer (Thing2) get off. But not like Vincent. Vincent’s looking pretty good around now, isn’t he, you Vincent haters? They take pictures of fire hydrants, planters and the steel grids around the trees, water in the gutter and litter.

The second stop is Times Square, and out jumps the jolly group comprised of Keith, Oompa-Loompa-Licious, Kenley (Thing 3) and Stella. Too bad Times Square has gotten Disney-fied, because the old Times Square of hookers, junkies, sex shows and squalor would have been like old home week for Stella. But now it’s all shiny and clean and there’s like, a Toys R Us right in the middle of what used to be a porno playground. Have I ever told the story of my first job out of college? I was doing layouts for a porno tabloid that aspired to someday be able to compete with “Screw.” Yeah. Good times. Oompa-Loompa-Licious looks for a tanning salon, and then the gang starts shooting pictures of garbage in the gutter, neon and more gutters.

Stop number three, as we head downtown, is the New York Public Library and Needle Park. I think that’s been cleaned up, too. Joe (remember Joe? He’s the straight guy with daughters?), Korto and Kelli belly up to the Grand Central Oyster Bar and ignore Patience and Fortitude (the lions in front of the NYC Library, doh). Your reviewer needs both to continue.

Finally, the bus drops the remaining crew in Washington Square Park, down in the Village, not three blocks from where Miz Shoes spent a couple of years after college. Emily (Thing4), Terrie and Jerell get busy shooting pictures of graffiti, garbage in the streets, and traffic lights.

Back up at Columbus Circle, we see that Stella can’t figure out how to use her digital camera. Here’s a clue, sweetheart: the button on the upper right hand side, on the top of the little box (point the circular piece of glass away from you) is the shutter. Just like it is on every fucking camera since George Fucking Eastman built the first Brownie. Idiot. Needless to say, Stella whines and complains throughout the night.

The Next Morning…

We meet in the workroom, where Tim says it’s time for the designers’ first trip to Mood. First, they have half an hour to edit their photos, and choose their inspirational image. Then, they will have $100 to spend at Mood. Lastly, they will have 13 hours to make the garment, and the winner will get immunity.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious is going for neon colors. Who would have guessed. Keith has chosen a tattered, trodden, sodden magazine cover for his inspiration. At Mood, Stella begins whining that nobody is helping her. She howls

at the room that there is nobody waiting on her. Let me just say that my darling, dear Paulie of the House of Gallofornia would not only be able to find materials in Mood or any other fabric shop. He also knows how to use a digital camera. I know, I know, let it go, already.

Emily (Thing4) is looking for chiffons to add movement, like the blurry lights in her picture. Jennifer is working from photos of world clocks and is pulling midnight blue and white charmeuse. Terrie says that she’s found all the colors she needs on a single bolt. She’s working from graffiti. Because she’s all urban, hip-hop and shit. Of course. Because she’s not working any stereotypes.

Back at the Parson’s workroom, Suede interviews that Suede is here to rock it. Suede accents that with finger guns. Alas, they are neither pointed at his own head, nor loaded. Kenley (Thing3) is going to do something retro and 40s and pin-up. I know, who would expect that look from a Betty Page clone, huh? Joe looks over, sniffs dismissively and says it looks too 40s for his taste.

Leanne (Thing1) has chosen to focus on a metal grate in a planter. It’s (she claims) both organic and architectural. I’d like to see her definitions, please. In yet another shocking development, she is going to execute this look with more of her signature, overlapping semi-circular flaps. She needs a catchy name. Something like, say, fleurchons?

One of the Things looks up from her sewing to find Oompa-Loompa-Licious staring at her with googly Muppet eyes. They are his, not ping-pong balls with dots, but one could be forgiven for making that mistake. ThingWhatever sort of freaks out, and Oompa-Loompa-Licious intones that he’s “gonna eat you!” Oompa-Loompa-Licious is the hardest working fame whore in reality TV today, hands down.

Over at Keith’s workstation, we see him making Post-It notes out of print fabric, and he’s applying them to a basic sheath, while he talks about his background as an abstract artist. Terrie is blahblahblahing about her graffiti. Thing4 (Emily) is talking about ruffles and layers. Stella has chosen, out of however many photos she was able to take, the blinder on one of the horses that draws carriages. Because, as Stella herself explains, it’s LEATHER. She is wearing a stupid, twee (and of course, leather) hat. We see her hammering grommets, while the other designers complain of the noise and she tells them to fuck themselves.

In The Midnight Hour

Daniel2.0 thinks that Thing2’s clock inspiration looks matronly. Thing2, may I remind you, is the one who keeps saying that she’s Holly Golightly meets Salvador Dali. Did she sleep through art history classes? Because I’m beginning to think that she has mistaken Salvador Dali for Thomas Kinkaid.

Tim is in the house, making the rounds. He asks Keith if the Post-It note dress will have a shape. Or, even, get fitted. He tells Thing3 that her dress looks a little costume-y. A little? Honeychild, that thing would be at home on a Cirque Du Soleil clown. Terri, not playing to stereotypes at all, blahblahblahs about street culture, and her urban aesthetic. She’s making a dress with no back to go over a pair of black slacks. It looks like a dress from the front, but from the back, it’s Oh My God. Tim asks if that would be a good OMG or a bad OMG. 

Tim makes it over to Thing4’s station and tells her that it’s just a dress with a big corsage. Take it further, he says. The judges will be disappointed with this. Thing4 proves that she’s never seen a single episode of this show by interviewing that she has her own sense of style and design, and that Tim means well, but should just shut it and let her do her own thing.

There is a moment, as Tim’s about to leave, where Oompa-Loompa-Licious and Terrie conspire to teach Tim how to say “Holla atcha boy” without sounding like a white guy. It is not pretty. It does not work. It is the designers being way too familiar with Gunn, the Great and Powerful.

And with that fetid footage, we cut to the morning of the show. Stella has dolled herself up in those Dr. Seuss on bad acid striped leggings. Pretty. At the Parsons’ workroom, nobody is even close to finished. As the models arrive for hair and makeup, Keith learns that his model had to drop out, and so he gets the girl who just got cut, Alyssa. Keith is not happy.

Thing2 realizes that her seams are shitty. There are 10 minutes to go, designers are gluing, stapling, and sewing their girls into the clothes as Tim moans that nobody is even listening to him, and that IT. IS. TIME. TO. GO!! NOW!!!! Daniel2.0 is searching for his scissors and that naked bitch is still at the airport in the damn BlueFly ad. Check for your scissors in her heart, I may have left them there, Dan2.0

Back on the runway, we are introduced to our guest judge for the New York at Night challenge. It is Sandra Bernhard. Girlfriend was never pretty, in any sense of the word, but age is not being kind to her. Remember Hatchetface? Yeah. That’s Sandra today. Even though it’s completely counter-intuitive to think this, she actually seems to have a fair handle on fashion and style. Go figure.

Keith sends out his patchwork Post-It dress. It has texture and movement, he says. Oompa-Loompa-Licious sends out something black with swaths of neon colors. It looks like everything else he’s done, more or less. Joe’s dress is minimal and well constructed, and holds true to his picture of an Art Deco light fixture. Thing4’s dress is a tiny, tight sheath (in black) with a semi-diagonal waterfall of lots of ruffles. In colors. Like the blurry neon lights in her photo. Thing1 has a steel grey version of her concentric flaps. Thing2’s dress looks to me like it came off the Titanic. It is a maternity-dress-like silhouette that evokes the fashions of the 1910s.

Jerell has made a moss-green flamenco dress with a train. Kelli’s dress is actually pretty amazing. There is lace? or some open-weave material. It’s chunky, and there’s some metallic fabric around the waist. Kelli has accessorized with gladiator sandals that actually are appropriate in context and cute. Daniel2.0 has made a drapey, one shouldered disco dress out of bronze metallic fabric. It’s a snooze. Thing3 (Kenley) has made a dress out of my Great Aunt Sophie from Boca’s couch circa Miami Vice. It’s an aqua and black and purple large-scale floral print. It has leg-o-mutton sleeves and a tight little mock turtle neck, and a short, tight skirt. Except for the enormous pouf of tulle in layers of raspberry, pink and purple that escapes from an equally enormous slit on the left hip. It looks like a giant tulle cyst.

Suede has made a boring, metallic, sleeveless shirtdress with overtones of a trench coat. Stella has finally made the one ensemble she’s been trying to make since she got here: a skin tight, sleeveless vest in silver leather with a pair of skin tight, low-riding leather pants. The pants are overly long and open and the ankle with snaps or grommets or something, and close with a lace instead of a zipper. Korto has slept through this exercise and made a racer-backed black jumpsuit. Terrie has a chiffon dress with no back (at all) it’s like this monstrosity, only busier:

You’ll Find Out When You’re On the Top You’re On the Bottom

Keith, Kenley (Thing3), Emily (Thing4), Terrie, Jennifer (Thing2) and Leanne (Thing1) are the tops and bottoms. Probably more literally than we care to consider. And then, the judges judged, and I think that they were all doing crack. Or thorazine. Because:

Kenley (Thing3) shows a photo of a blue and orange tile wall that was the inspiration for her aqua/magenta/black dress. Sandra says that the pouf would be great if she had a goiter or a growth that needed hiding. Michael Kors points out that the whole look is very “Joan Collins 1980s power bitch” but a young woman who’d never seen it before might love it. NinaGarcia claims that it’s very LaCroix, darling, and that it is adorable.

The RLA and the surrogate daughters and I all look at each other and ask: What the fuck are they seeing that we aren’t? That shit is hideous!

Keith is taken to school by MK, who sniffs that his little Post-It note dress looks like nothing more than “toilet paper caught in a windstorm.” NinaGarcia says that it is sloppy and unpolished.

Terrie’s backless chiffon is pronounced “fierce, sexy and in control. If you met that girl on a dark alley, she could cut a bitch” by Miss Bernhard. Who would know, if you get my drift. Heidi thinks it’s cool and MK declares that this is a girl you’d want to know.

Emily (Thing4) has taken a time-exposure of lights. It’s all blurry and jaggedy, sort of like the ruffles on her dress. Sandra says that if it were flatter, say, fabric inserts or appliqué, that it might have works. NinaGarcia just says it’s a Carmen Miranda moment. And MK gets in the last lethal word: “This explosion of ruffle is not placed fabulously.”

Leanne (Thing1) and her planter grate are lauded as “cool” by Sandra, while Michael is in love with it being separates. Heidi says that it looks like it came out of a store today and that she’d wear it in the proverbial New York minute.

The word for Jennifer (Thing2)’s navy blue sack is Matronly. NinaGarcia says that it’s OK, but boring.

Finally, we get to the judges’ confabulation. Terrie wins love from everyone. Kenley is praised for the energy she brought to her creation. There were lots of elements and they all worked (for whom, I wonder, idly. It still looks like Miami Vice-era sofa cushions from a Boca townhouse.) Michael is thrilled with how quickly Thing 1 learned to edit herself. Michael doesn’t mention that it’s the same damn trick pony. NinaGarcia says about Thing2 (Jennifer) I have nothing to say. Michael, Heidi and Sandra all giggle and say that’s the most damning thing NinaGarcia could say. Keith’s dress is once more declared to be toilet paper by Michael and nobody disagrees.

The poll that Bravo put up (Should Holla Atcha Boy be Tim’s new catch phrase?) shows that more viewers of this show have brains than we’d been led to believe, as a full 87% shriek NO, it should not.

Terrie is in. What the fuck? All those positive vibrations, and all she gets is “IN”? Kenley wins with the cystic purple pouf and Great Aunt Sophie’s sofa cushions. I want what the judges were drinking. And does this mean that I have to remember Kenley as different from Thing 1 and Thing 2? Kenley is thrilled and says that she’s never won anything major in her life. I turn to the Surrogate Daughters and say, “well, she surely didn’t win anything major when she got that voice.”  Leanne (Thing1) is in, and Keith is in.

Thing2 and Thing4 are left standing side by side on the runway, their sad little creations by their sides. Jennifer (Thing2) is totally called out for claiming her “Holly Golightly meets Salvadore Dali” sensibility, but showing matronly and boring. Emily (Thing2) was told she had no design voice, and her ruffle was distracting and a cliché. So, who stays and who’s auf? WRONG!

I told you I wanted what the judges were drinking. Despite universal loathing for her work, despite the fact that NinaGarcia didn’t even want to think about it enough to talk about it, Jennifer (Thing2) is left in the game for another week, and Emily goes home. In a beaded headband that has a faint whiff of circa 1970s Cher, what with it looking like Native American beadwork in black, red and white and all.

And with that, another week of Project Runway comes to an end. I may begin a drinking game next week; one which involves a shot of tequila every time that dreadful, little orange troll utters the sylables “licious.” Let’s pray I don’t die of alcohol poisoning.

We open with Suede, opining about the parting of Jerry: “Any decision that isn’t Suede going home is the right decision.” Or not, if Suede doesn’t start using the first person singular in the next hour.

Stella, over in the girl’s suite, monotones about some wheat grass shake that one of the triplets is making up for her: “I’m not a cow (that’s what SHE says).  I don’t like grass.” And Miz Shoes cocks one eyebrow, and thinks, hmmmm, what? Is crystal meth more her cocktail of choice?

IN THE MOOD

Or, conversely, back to Parsons’ runway for model selection. It goes by very fast, and since there are still more designers than Miz Shoes has attention span, some names may be omitted for

lack of concentration. Miz Shoes also has no doubt that many of these names are incorrect or merely misspelled or misheard. Miz Shoes does not know how long she can keep writing about herself in the third person without having to slap herself. About now, she thinks.

Kelli keeps Germaine; Joe takes Carpacio; Blayne & Erlina; Emily/Leslie; Keith/Runa; Jennifer/Alex; Wes?; Suede/Tia; Jerell (who is bemoaning the loss of his original model) opts for Nicole; Kenley/Shannon; ?/Kendall; ?/Katarina; Terri/Xavier; DanielV2.0/Bulimia and finally Leanne picks Karalyn.

The challenge for the week is to create a cocktail dress for their model, who is also the client.  The theme is young, glamorous woman. The first twist is that the designers will be working with green, environmentally sound textiles.

Once in the workroom, Tim drops this little bomb: The models will go to Mood and shop for their own materials.  Quiz: who had this to say about that:

“Oh, great. Someone who doesn’t know anything about fabric will be buying fabric for me.” Was it Jerell? Was it Stella? Was it Suede? Really, because I wrote that in my notes, but not who said it. I suspect Stella, because I can hear her whiny monotone saying that. Or Jerell, because he’s got the catty bitch role nailed this season. The models get $75 and the designers get ten hours. The models roll out of the workroom with one of the girl clones yelling “Don’t forget closures! Zippers! Buttons!” at their retreating backs.

Keith’s model, Roona, immediately grabs peacock tail feathers, and then tries to find fabric to match. This does not bode well. Jerell interviews that he’s expecting remnants and tatters. He should.

BACK IN THE SADDLE

Or, alternately, back in the Parsons’ workroom, where the models come back and dump their fibery treasures on the cutting tables, and prove that models have no clue about fashion, or at least how much fabric goes into a dress. Not a one of them has purchased enough yardage to cover their size zero asses, as we will shortly see. Not to foreshadow, or anything. Also, they travel in flocks, and bought in flocks, so there are several designers working with the same hideous brown satins and ivory hemp/silk combos.

Kenley is handed jersey, which she thinks is so not cocktail dress. Keith has those peacock feathers, and some champagne and peach fabric. Wesley gets the brown satin and something he calls a disgusting green that doesn’t go with it. I would call it more an un-lovely, washed out pistachio than disgusting green. But that’s just me.  Suede’s model brings the silk/hemp and some scarlet jersey. Suede says that Suede listened to what his model wanted. Suede says that Suede loves bias strips. Miz Shoes says, Oh, rilly? Then would Suede please come to Miz Shoes studio and make bias binding for all of her quilts, because Miz Shoes hates the bias strip.

Kendall is earthy and organic and wants something beachy and flowy, and has brought sea-colored jersey to her designer. Unfortunately, her designer is Stella. Stella is so not about the beach (unless there happens to be an epidemic of used hypodermics washing up on said beach). Stella admits that free is not her “design aesthetic” and that she is urban and bondage and tight. In what seems to be a theme for Stella, she pronounces that having to work outside her comfort zone is confusing to her. This is not what she does. She does leather. And for the record, my dear, dear darling Paulie of the House of Gallofornia does leather, too. And he doesn’t look like a rode hard hag and he would never, ever whine about having to work outside his comfort zone. I know, let it go.

Emily is happy with the green aspect of the challenge and interviews that the amount of chemicals and such that the textile industry dumps into the environment is, and I quote, “gnarly.” Thank you for expressing yourself so eloquently, Thing 1. Korto is yapping about being African, and her model being Latina and therefore the two of them have curves and she is all about the curves, and she is going to make a dress that shows off the curves.

And then we get to that tanorexic little troll, Blayne.  Blayne says that his pet name for Heidi is (and I may have to heave before I finish this sentence) Darth Licious. Because she’s all dark on the one side and light on the other or some such horse shit.  We need to talk. I loathe that little troll. I loathe the stupid knit hat with flair. I loathe the over-tanning. I hate the ‘holla’ crap. But mostly, and particularly, I hate the Licous. So, what shall we name Blayne?

Over in the other corner, Suede is talking about himself in the third person and getting on all the other designers’ nerves. Thing2 (Leanne) speaks for us all when she interviews that Suede needs to stop talking about himself in the third person. But then she totally blows her credibility out of the water by taking a perfectly acceptable, if not actually nice, dress and adding random, appliquéd shapes to it. Her basis is the same monkey-shit brown as Wesley. Korto is working herself into a tizzy by thinking that Wesley and she are making the same dress. Tim comes over to throw a little cold water on her. He looks at her dress, and makes a comment about the darts. Korto tells him that the darts are going to remain on the outside of the dress. This sets Tim back on the heels of his Florsheim wingtips. Hmmmmm. This all has to be perfection or you’ll be dealing with a hot mess, he says, and yes, that is an absolute direct quote. Oh, Timmy. You loved Christian, too. I bet Tim has the same Hot Mess, Tranny, Fierce t-shirt I do. Wesley is doing structured satin.

Tim arrives at Thing2’s work station and politely mentions that she has a whole lot of stuff going on, and that she needs to edit. Tone it down. Resolve it.  Oh, Pee Ess, the winner of today’s challenge will not be getting immunity. Rather, they will be having their dress manufactured and produced (and presumably sold) by Bluefly. Speaking of whom, get a new freakin’ ad. If I have to see that smug bitch walk naked through the airport one more time, I’m going to be tempted to stab her in the heart with those spiked heels. The other announcement has to do with the challenge judge: one young Hollywood starlet. OK. That narrows things down.

COMMERCIAL INTERLUDE

Wherein Bravo posts the following poll:

Which is crazier:

1. Blayne’s tanorexia

2. Stella’s leather fetish

3. Suede’s use of the third person

I don’t think anyone will argue with the premise that if your owners/handlers are pointing out your crazy foibles, that you are not in the running for the win.

THIS IS THE END

Back in the workroom, Daniel 2.0 is just hoping to get his garment finished. Where have we seen that before? But does he do the Daniel shuffle?

Kendall and Stella are having a fitting. Kendall is thrilled with the skin-tight, champagne colored, asymmetric, one-armed, laced-up-the-side sheath that Stella has made for her. She doesn’t mind in the least that Stella paid absolutely no attention to her desires, or even her fabric choices, because she says it looks better than what she had in mind. Playing to the stereotype of a dumb clothes hanger, are we, Kendall? Stella and Blayne get into a pissing/dissing match, then make up when Blayne tells Stella that he “loves [her] leatherface.” Nobody in the room seems to notice that he’s just called her a psychotic chainsaw-wielding murderer who makes sausages out of the dead.

Daniel 2.0 is still sewing. Wesley’s dress doesn’t fit. Jerell looks over and says that Team Ugly Brown Fabric seems a leetle panicked. Suede says that Suede will be rockin’ the show. His dress looks a little bit like bondage gear, what with all the strips and the red jersey showing through.

Out on the runway, we are introduced to our young starlet: Natalie Portman, who has started her own line of vegan shoes. So who better to judge the green challenge? Nobody. And we’re off.

Keith sends out a scalloped lamp shade in ivory something. Terri’s dress is simple, navy blue and has some interest at the neck. It is stylish and wearable. Wesely’s dress prompted the following note: “Ooof. Wrinkly.” and that wasn’t the worst of it. Jerell’s dress is blue, hemmed in peacock feathers and with side panels of something darker blue and sparkly. Wasn’t that the crap that Runa bought for Keith? My brain hurts. Whatever, it’s as ugly as homemade sin. Jennifer sends out something cute and floaty and grey and orange with color blocks and straps that look like the whole thing is sort of a jumper. I love it and would wear it. That’s the kiss of death. Daniel 2.0 sends out a totally boring baby doll with a lot of fabric in the back that makes it look sort of trapeze-y, sort of train-y and sort of not so hot.

Joe is another designer saddled with that ugly brown satin, and he has made an ugly brown slip dress with a stupid rhinestone-rimmed circular cut-out just between and below the boobs. Suede’s bandages have a tulle miniskirt. Kenley (Thing3) sends out something with an enormous, face-eating neck ruffle that looks like the dress that Thing1 (Emily) sent out last week, except without the color or dingleberries. Kelli’s dress is skin-tight and has a color-block bodice and a fauxlero with a ruffle.

Thing2 (Leanne) has produced a hot mess, just as Tim predicted. It’s way too short, it has pockets on the bottom hem, flounces and shapes and attached pieces and it’s wrinkly. Satin is the devil for wrinkles, ask the Fug Girls.  Stella’s dress is well made and skin tight and as much as I want to, I can’t hate it. I don’t love it, but it doesn’t suck, unlike, say, The Little Tan Troll’s asymmetric slop of a hot pink dress with a neck/sleeve combination that looks like someone tried to rip the dress off the model and only partially succeeded. Emily (Thing1) also has a baby doll dress, one which barely covers the model’s tootie. But that isn’t her fault, since it was the model who bought an insufficiency of fabric. There is some braiding. Is it Terri from last week, Rami of the Heavenly Arms from last season, or Santino from Season 2? Don’t know. Don’t care. Don’t love it, even if it were longer.

Korto’s dress of mustard colored something or another is immaculately constructed, and badly designed. But it fits like nothing else on that runway. Except, maybe, and it pains me to say this, Stella’s one armed banshee.

YOU SAY GOODBYE

Keith, Terri, Jerell, Jennifer, Daniel 2.0, Joe, Kelli, The Little Tan Troll and Thing 1 (Emily) are all safe and sent off the runway.

Kenley: NinaGarcia says that it is adult glamour. The black detail at the waist is declared chic. The judges declare that she’s the only one who handled this fabric correctly.

Wesley: He claims not to have had enough fabric. Heidi claims it is overworked. Michael Kors advises that satin, to look good, must look as though no human hands have touched it and Wesley’s dress looks like 20 sets of human hands have had their way with it. Also? Crazy short. It is at this point that NinaGarcia reveals the Universal Truth: “Shiny, tight and short is the quickest way to look cheap.” Word.

Stella: Michael likes the lacing and the fact that Stella’s personality comes through. Miz Shoes thinks that Michael hasn’t seen the footage of Stella’s personality enough to make that judgement. Queen Amidala says that she’s not fond of the asymmetry, but that the dress is nicely done. During the judges’ confab, MK says that Stella can make the Bicker Chick Chic.

Korto: The bottom is off balance and the flanges look like ass wings. MK says that even curvy girls don’t want fins on their asses. He would know. But, he says, that the inside-out darts were genius. Well, he liked them.

Suede: Natalie loves the dress and says she’d wear it. Heidi says that if she were 10 years younger, she’d wear it too. Miz Shoes has no clue in this world what it is about the dress that makes Heidi think she needs to be younger to wear it, since in this past year Heidi has worn a dress that showed her ass-crack, many dresses that are much shorter, and many dresses that were cut much lower. I think it may be the tulle skirt, which Queen Amidala says does NOT look like Ballerina Barbie, although it could have.

But look at this close-up, which I stole from the Project Rungay boys:

You call that well made? Uneven, lumpy, and messy. The bias strips are all pulling. That neckline is a disaster. I can’t believe that the judges didn’t jump all over this shit. But they didn’t. No, they rewarded it with the win. Because Suede can rock it. He is as gracious a winner as the Pencil-Necked-Shmoo ever was, and crows: Yeah, Suede fuckin’ won. Whoo-fuckin’ Hoo, says Miz Shoes, who can’t wait to see how that gets interpreted by the BlueFly group.

Leanne: Her model kills her by saying that it isn’t what she had in mind. Michael says that it’s five, five, five dresses in one, and that none of them were very good. Editing is a skill, and one she needs.

In the end, Leanne (Thing 3) is allowed to stay and try to learn editing, and Wesley is sent home for making something unflattering and a lousy fit. And for wearing red suede scuffs with a cut-off three-piece suit. Please, girl. You were cute, but nobody is that cute.